A Letter to My Wife....Sex IS Important.

[JamesM]

Dearest Wife..

 

This is a letter about sex that I can never seem to say to you. Whenever I bring up the subject of sex, then it is about me wanting sex. "Sadly" enough, yes, this is part of it, but believe it or not, it is also about connecting with you. It is during times of intimacy that I feel that I am the most special person in the world to you. It is more than just fulfillment of pleasure. No, it is that moment when two people who have committed themselves to each other have the opportunity to show each other how important the other is. This is done by sharing the most valuable of resources each has….their body. This is the giving of the inner self and emotions. It is an expression of love and commitment when done with the one who means the most to you. I cannot say it any plainer than that.

 

But you have no interest in sex anymore. You tell me that you do not need it, so then why can it be important to you if you don’t need it? And if you don’t need it, then it really is about me wanting it. I wish I could answer that satisfactorily, and then I think I could change you. You say that it isn't necessary for a good marriage. I ask if you would be offended if I sought sex elsewhere. Your response: "If you cheat on me, then you will never have sex with me again." I am beginning to wonder whether I have reached that point. If you no longer want sex and I have a "desire," then I may have to look elsewhere even if it is cheating. Truly this is not something I want to do. On the other hand, I did not get married to become celibate.

 

You were once different. For years we shared many moments of sex and intimacy. At one point, you told me that “we should do this more often because I feel closer to you when we do it.” What has changed? Now you longer need to feel close to me? I cry inside when I say those words. I cannot tell you how often I look at you and yearn for a few more moments of touching you, feeling you respond, and moving with excitement. Nothing is more special than those moments. It is those moments that I know that you love me. It is those moments that I realize that I "am the Man."

 

You have many reasons why you have no interest. But what it comes down to is that you do not want to share yourself with me. You wonder why I do not want to spend more time with you, listening to you tell me of your day. It is not that I don’t enjoy it, because I do. When I listen, I look at you and admire your beauty. I see your eyes twinkle, then spark with anger, or show compassion. I long to reach over and hug you when you are sad and kiss the tears away, but I don’t. For I know, you will think that I am thinking of one thing. I want our conversations together to bring out the passion in you. I want you to feel that connection of love. I want you to spontaneously jump in my lap and kiss me. But I know that when you do, it will end there, because when we finally are alone, there will be a multitude of reasons why you no longer have interest. You are tired, you need your own time, you have too much work, you just did too much work, your muscles or head ache, it is that “time of the month,” or you simply aren’t in the mood. This wanting on my part makes me feel selfish and uncaring.

 

Yet you will tell me, “it is not you, it is me.” How can I believe this? What can I do differently? You say that you do too much work, and I need to help. Maybe if I helped more, you would have more energy. Yet you ignore the many things I do such as laundry, dishes, parenting, etc. “Those are what you should be doing. You should be doing laundry, dishes, vacuuming, etc.” Then when I do these extra things, you thank me and say you appreciate them. When I reach as if for sex, you act like this is abnormal. “What, you think I should pay you like that?” No, I don’t, but you said that this would make you more relaxed and “in the mood.” Now you act like I am treating you like a hooker. How can I think it is not me that you no longer desire? If I don't help, sex is withheld. When I do help, it is not supposed to be expected as a reward. So, if it is not me and it is you, then what can I do?

 

You say there are no other men. But the way you say it so emphatically also makes me wonder. You used to be more loving to me. You used to hug me more. You used to have that look in your eyes. Now you don’t. And I wonder. When would you have time for another man? I do not know, but yet maybe someone has your attention and passion. I look at myself and see many flaws. I am older, balding, fatter, and more. I am not as confident as I would like to be. I am not as strong as I used to be. I am not as powerful as other men. I am not as rich as other men. Has someone else captured your heart?

 

You say it is because you do not like your body. Yet you do not attempt to change it. I have never said I had a problem with the few pounds you have put on. To me your body contains your spirit and personality. I love this persona with all of my heart. No one else can come close to giving me the feelings that you do. Yes, there are beautiful women. Yes, some of them even show interest in me. No, they cannot compare to you. For you only can make me feel the way that I do. And you are the one that I want to make feel incredibly special to me. Your body will always be beautiful to me. A few extra pounds do not an ugly woman make.

 

My dearest wife, what else can I say? You are the love of my life. How can I make you realize that sex is an expression of our love for each other and is very important for our marriage?

 

With My Deepest Love and Concern,

Your Husband

[whichwayisup]

Ouch, you're not my husband, but reading that - I can tell you - will hurt your wife. Hopefully she will respond to it in a rational way and not freakout.

 

(Just a fast question - Are you giving her this exact letter, or is it a first draft? OR have you given it to her already?)

 

If my husband ever wrote me a letter like that, I would do everything necessary to find out why I couldn't connect to him on an intimate level. I would get help and do marriage counselling to help fix and make the marriage better. Learn how to listen, not just talk. To really communicate.

 

I think some counselling has to happen. She seems to have gotten quite comfortable with how things are, maybe let herself go abit - BUT, that has nothing to do with you or her love for you. Trust me, the love is still there, it's more than likely buried and will take some work for her to bring it out again. Her walls are up for some reason. She's shutdown on an emotional level, which ofcourse has stopped her from wanting sex. She does love you, and I think giving her your letter, letting her read it (Sit beside her and hold her hand) and showing love, not any anger at all or frustration, will make her feel less threatened. She may react to it, or get upset, or feel attacked. What you have to do, is speak from your heart, like you did in the letter, and reaffirm your love for her...Be emotional and don't be afraid to let the emotions OUT. She WILL see that as a good thing.(I hope!)

 

I don't think saying you 'might' cheat is a good thing. I'd actually take that part out ...

[flavius]

Could I ask each man out there whose wife has died to them sexually to write a letter to your wife like James M's?

 

I also want to get a hundred stories of couples who overcame this conundrum.

 

I want to compile them into a book. "The Un-Problem, and How You Can Dis-un-solve-ify It"

 

Half the profits go to LoveShack dot Org

[Ladyjane14]

I agree with WWIU. If you haven't given her the letter yet, edit out the "cheating" parts.

They're a bit inflammatory and I don't think you want your overall tone to be arguementative.

 

In fact, seeing Flavius posting on your thread reminds me of one of my all-time favorite posts:

Look at it this way. No matter who you are with there is always someone else out there better: prettier, sexier, smarter, richer, etc. And if you spend your whole life looking for a better deal, you'll find one. Problem is, you've spent your life, not invested it.

 

I fell in love with my wife because she was cute and nice and crazy about me. She sill is all those things 20 years later, but now there's something more, and it's something I cannot find anywhere else: it's because it's HER. We have a life shared together, and that is absolutely irreplaceable. The life I gave her is part of her, and the life she gave me is part of me. Without her, I'm just not myself.

 

I think it's important that you find a way to let your wife know that the sexual aspect of the relationship is important to you because it's your way of expressing your love for HER. It's your way of feeling her love for you. She needs to know that she is unique. She's the ONLY person that you want to share this part of your life with.

 

Your letter ought to be a love letter, not a declaration of war. Heck, it might come to that someday....but maybe not today, right?

If your tone is adversarial, you can expect opposition. But if your tone is that of a man in love, sharing his feelings.... Well, that's got a better chance of eliciting empathy. She needs to 'walk a mile in your shoes'.

 

I would take out all the parts that point the finger at her (what she does or doesn't do), and leave in all the parts that have to do with describing how you FEEL. Give her your emotions. Lable your feelings in terms she can identify with. She'll listen better if she's hearing about YOU, rather than about her.

 

Read Flavius' old thread here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49416/ There's lots of good input on that one. But what I like the most is the fact that he's fairly undaunted by the 'rejection' that frustrates so many men. He doesn't personalize it, and seems overall to be enjoying his relationship despite the deficits.

 

I left this booklist on another thread, and maybe you'll find some handy information that way too.

.....present your evidence to your wife as 'a lawyer going to trial'. Be prepared. Do your homework. There are ALOT of good books out there, as well as internet resources. The Five Love Languages by Chapman, His Needs / Her Needs by Harley, The Sex-Starved Marriage by Wiener-Davis, MarriageBuilders.com are just a few resources.

[Pink_Tulip]

I had the exact same feelings as the other women... It is a bit accusatory. And while I understand you are totally justified in feeling that way, making your wife feel defensive will solve absolutely nothing. In fact, it could make things worse.

 

Read what Ladyjane wrote again. And I want to add, take out as many sentances that start with YOU as possible and replace them with *I*. Your objective should be to make her empathetic with your needs and feelings, not put her on the defensive so all she reads is an attack, you know? Cuz once a woman feels backed into a corner, nothing productive happens, lol.

[JamesM]

Thanks for the input thus far. No, I have not given this letter to my wife. And no, I don't think the cheating part would be good to include. Part of this letter is me venting here on a safe place. I doubt that my wife will ever read this. Believe it or not, I have told her much of this in a gentler way.

 

My purpose for posting this is to give a man's perspective regarding sex and its importance.

 

Thanks for Flavius' posts. They are well stated. And like him, I dwell most of the time on all of the great things I have. However, I cannot continue on with the status quo. Nor do I feel that I can leave because I have committed to life. But what I can do is attempt to fix the things that are broken.

 

The books listed are worth reading. I will look into reading them.

 

I think more of these "letters" will help others here to undertsand their relationship. I also think that it is good that things get posted because I was brought here through Google. Any posted help may save someone else's relationship.

[Pink_Tulip]

I think you should give it to her, myself. With some of the corrections, lol.

 

Have you been following this thread? If not, give it a read. Maybe you can get something out of it to help before things get worse.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t83965/

[JamesM]

Yes, I have been following that thread. I think Cranston is expressing much of my frustration. I have been attentive to the thoughts being posted.

 

Will I give this to my wife? I don't think so yet. She recognizes the problem, and I have expressed much of my feelings to her. I am afraid that too many statements would be detrimental to progress. Without stating what, I see hope...still.

[whichwayisup]

I think writing letters to vent is a good thing. It helps you cope and realize certain things along the way, gain some insight and thoughts from us to help you as well.

 

I hope she is willing to sit and talk to you, have a heart to heart just so you both can understand eachother abit more.

 

Baby steps...

[flavius]

Do go back and read that old thread, Male Sex Drive and Female Ambivalence James M. It was a real jewel, especially an inspiring story from LadyJane.

[itmustbeme]

My purpose for posting this is to give a man's perspective regarding sex and its importance.

 

James - That is a very well written letter. You stated perfectly what most men think and how important sex is within a marriage to a man.

 

Make sure you never give this letter to your wife unless you want war. I gave my wife a letter that was very tame and it set her off. And the feedback from the women on here is right on from a female point of view.

 

The problem is she probably thinks you are the only one with the problem. You see they will say that sex is not important but would never allow you to cheat. I mean if it is not important why not just let you go and have fun. That was a joke, you know as I do you want her and nobody else.

 

Also women have a habit of not knowing why they feel the way they do. My wife is like that and if you go to Cranston's thread read what "Walk" wrote about her marriage and how it ended. In most cases a man needs to either accept things or move on. I have not seen a lot of success in these type of situations.

 

Women and men experience love differently. For men the physical part is very important to them. A lot of women hate this about men and start resenting them. There was not a problem that my wife could not come to me about and I would change whatever she wanted because I wanted her to be happy. But it seems for her to be happy I need to not want sex and keep pulling in the bucks.

 

I would suggest you get her to go to a MC. I am sure with you the rejections is what kills you. Good Luck.

[littlekitty]

Apart from a couple of lines which could inflame the situation, I actually thought James' letter was beautiful and moving.

 

Clearly he loves his wife, and want to feel connected to her again.

[Ladyjane14]

Apart from a couple of lines which could inflame the situation, I actually thought James' letter was beautiful and moving.

 

Clearly he loves his wife, and want to feel connected to her again.

 

I agree. It just needs a little tweak here and there, and then it's good to go. Talking is hands-down better than not talking. The only really BAD PLAN would be to keep bottling up your emotions.

 

You have control over how much resentment that you're willing to accept. You don't accumulate resentment when you're addressing the issues, because you're no longer helplessly caught up in a situation that you have no influence over. You are no longer passive. You're proactive in your life.

[blind_otter]

I didn't find the letter offensive at all. I totally agree with him.

 

I cheated, and have been cheated on. I don't know if this changes my perspective or what. Also, I guess I've had a lot of therapy. Usually, when a partner reaches out and communicates something to you, they don't intend to attack or hurt you (unless it's in the heat of an argument) and to react defensively to what is a cry for help is even more damaging, I think.

 

But a lot of people do that anyways.

[portableversion]

men will say anything JUST to get laid!

 

so you tell wifey you'll get it from 'somewhere' else. Where is that exactly? A f*** buddy, a hooker, an affair? In other words, from someone with whom you have no 'connection' or no 'feelings'.

 

But what, you just told wifey that sex is the ONLY way you can feel connected to her?? So why are you so eager to do it with someone who have NO connection with whatsoever??

 

This isn't about 'connection' or 'emotions' or any of that tripe. You just want your pecker polished, and will say ANYTHING to acheive that end.

 

I call your BS.

[portableversion]

it's also worth noting that JamesMD wife works 3rd shift as a nurse, had 3 kids to deal with, and is on laundry list of meds.

 

His wife in essence, is very mentally unbalanced.

 

And the only thing he can WHINE about is not getting laid.

[blind_otter]

 

wheeeeeeee!

[Walk]

I'm going to say some things below that are an interpretation of how a woman may possibly read your words. I know you don't intend for them to read this way, you are simply stating you have a desire and need that you want met. And you are trying hard to get her to see that it's important to the both of you. So please don't take this as a personal attack on you. Read it first with an open mind, as much as possible.

 

you do not want to share yourself with me. You wonder why I do not want to spend more time with you, listening to you tell me of your day...........When I listen, I look at you and admire your beauty. .... For I know, you will think that I am thinking of one thing. I want our conversations together to bring out the passion in you..... I want you to spontaneously jump in my lap and kiss me. But I know that when you do, it will end there, because when we finally are alone, there will be a multitude of reasons why you no longer have interest. .........This wanting on my part makes me feel selfish and uncaring.

 

When I read through it, this is what I read (above). If she won't put out, why should you spend time with her? And you admire her beauty, but you say nothing about her other then how she looks. Not that you admire her, respect, nothing. How she looks. You've made it about her body, not who she is as an individual.

 

You listen to her hoping she'll "jump in your lap". Then accuse her of misunderstanding your intentions. That you don't only want sex. Yet you said that's why you listen. With the hope that she'll initiate sex, and then you place the blame on her for not wanting it.

 

You say that you do too much work, and I need to help.......Yet you ignore the many things I do such as laundry, dishes, parenting, etc. “Those are what you should be doing. ......... Then when I do these extra things, you thank me and say you appreciate them. When I reach as if for sex, you act like this is abnormal. “What, you think I should pay you like that?” No, I don’t, but you said that this would make you more relaxed and “in the mood.” Now you act like I am treating you like a hooker. How can I think it is not me that you no longer desire? If I don't help, sex is withheld. When I do help, it is not supposed to be expected as a reward. So, if it is not me and it is you, then what can I do?

 

Again... you did the housework, or parenting and then say that the reason you did so was so that she would have sex for you. (this is how it reads, not neccessary how you intended). You said you do these extra things to put her "in the mood". Those were your words. Women don't get rewarded for doing house work most times, so why would you assume you would be. Not to often does a man goes out buy his wife a huge diamond for doing the dishes. Yet you expect a reward for doing your share of housework, and then you say you don't, and imply that she's screwy in the head for thinking you only did it to have sex.

 

I know you don't aren't intending for your letter to read this way. But if I had gotten a letter like that from my exH, I would've blown a nut.

 

I think what you're attempting to say is that sex shows you that she loves you. It is how you feel connected and close. (you did say this in your letter.) But I think it would be helpful to explain to her that to you it effects your self-esteem, and your confidence as a man. Sex is also necessary for a man to release tension, because most men are not as adapt at dealing with emotions as women are. It becomes necessary for them in order re-create the bond with their partner. It increases their self-esteem and confidence, and helps to allow them to reach a place where they are free to express emotions and feelings without the straightjacket of the male ego involved.

 

I finally understood when my bf tied it to self-esteem, confidence, and release from tension. The surrounding elements behind "why" it is a need. Not just that it is needed. Because to me that made no sense. Who ever died from not having sex? Otherwise the Pope would be dead.

 

Again, I'm not trying to attack you with what I said. I'm trying to point out areas where you're words give a different message then you are probably attempting to convey. And this may be why you are deadlocked on this issue. I think it would help you to dig deeper into why it is so important for you to have sex, give words to the reasons and meanings of it to you. Sex is important to you because.... List everything you can think of. Clarify your thoughts on this. You almost did in part of your letter... about love and closeness. But with the conflicting messages in the other part, it ended up feeling shallow to me. As if you were just saying the words because you felt they'd get you somewhere. If you can leave out the references to how she's failing you, and stay away from any reference of sex being "owed" you, then she may begin to understand it's not that you view her as a hole. Your message should be more along the lines that you see her as a strong capable woman, who is the only one who can make you feel like a real man. Just as you should be doing your utmost to make her feel like she is an exciting, incredible woman. (NOT just sexually, all aspects)

 

My last suggestion... place the initiation on her shoulders. May or may not work, but it relieves you of feeling rejected for a while, and also puts the power back into her hands. Because right now she probably feels like she's defending herself against your sexual advances. Communicate all this with her. That you realize she feels like you're only after her for sex, and you don't want that. So you would feel more comfortable if she would be the one to initiate. Explain that you need her help in this, that its very important to you or you wouldn't be asking. Like I said, may/may not work. Just a suggestion.

[Walk]

it's also worth noting that JamesMD wife works 3rd shift as a nurse, had 3 kids to deal with, and is on laundry list of meds.

 

His wife in essence, is very mentally unbalanced.

 

And the only thing he can WHINE about is not getting laid.

How well do you know this couple? As friends? Or an acquaintance?

[JamesM]

You may call me a whiner, you may call me a jerk, but do not start with my wife. I can guarantee 100% you would NOT consider my wife mentally unstable. Guaranteed. And that is if you lived with her like I do.

 

Yes, she still works 3rd shift, but much less than before. ABout half of what she did. Yes, we have 4 children, but three are in school. I parent as much if not more than her. I am there every night to put them to bed. I am there every evening but one each week from 4:30 til bedtime. So far, the reduction of job duties and my help has not made a difference.

 

She has reduced her meds with the help of her doctor. She now takes one pain med and a thyroid med. She so far has been off antidepressants, but her doc recommends a psychiatrist to help her regulate those meds if necessary.

She is still my best friend and companion. We enjoy talks every day at lunch and most suppers. I help considerably with all housework.

 

She herself has said many times that I am not the problem. She used to have a good libido even though she was on alot of pain meds and other meds. This is something that has occurred past three or so years. It is not just her not wanting to make the time for sex. She actually has no desire. Do I still think it is my fault? Yes, somehow. I have purchased a number of books with that in mind and am reading them looking for solutions. My concern is that she doesn't see the urgency of what we are missing.

 

Why am I "whining?" Because I feel that this is a problem that has a solution. Unfortunately, I cannot solve it by myself. She must solve it by herself. Her doc (also mine) thinks the psychiatrist may be able to help regulate her meds to bring her back to her old self...if this is the cause

 

Should I just accept status quo? For many months, I thought so, but when she said to me this past summer that she no longer wanted or needed sex, then I thought differently. You see, her feeling in that conversation was that if she didn't need it, then I shouldn't want it. And many older people never have sex anymore and do just fine....why can't we? And then it became me with my selfish desires just "wanting to be laid." And no, I don't just say things to get laid. I compliment my wife as much as I can, but I never lie. To me she is incredibly beautiful. Yet other times she does look like she rolled out of bed.

 

If I wanted to just get laid, I am honest enough to say that I would have acted upon this along time ago. Since she said she didn't want it, then the logical solution would be to satisy myself without bothering her or letting her know. I am not interested in a hooker or f-buddy. First, it would be very sad for me to be with someone else knowing that deep inside I really wanted the person that mattered the most. Second, I am not interested in contracting some disease and bringing it home. Knowing Murphy's law (or whomever it would be), the time I get a disease is the time her libido wakes up. It would not be fair to her to put her at risk for STDs. Also, I made a commitment to her and my then future children. Besides her, there are four children waiting in the sidelines for what her and my decisions will be. These will determine their future. They are more important to me than getting laid.

 

My last thought to someone who dares rudely criticize my wife is...when you have walked in her shoes, then you may make comments about her. She has been through more than most people should be asked to endure. My threads never have said that I considered her mentally unstable. Is she perfect? No. Have I considered leaving her? No, not since we have children.

 

And concerning myself. Am I a whiner? Some may say so. You may have your opinion. But I know from reading this Board and others, I have and will endure much more with regards to the lack of sex than many have. (Many have divorced or considered divorce because they couldn't have sex every day or week). And I will do so, because I do have the best looking woman and greatest friend I think I could ask for. All I "want" is that we have the close intimate relationship that we once had.

[blind_otter]

What I don't get is why so many women point the finger at the BF/H when they don't want sex and he does and accuse the man of only wanting sex.

 

If the woman wants sex and the BF/H is unreceptive, it's a big self-esteem thing, he's cheating on you, he's addicted to porn, he's masturbating and cheating you out of sex.

 

I wonder why sexual relationships become a power struggle for many women, a weapon, something to withhold as a punishment or give as a reward.

[reddog63]

men will say anything JUST to get laid!

 

so you tell wifey you'll get it from 'somewhere' else. Where is that exactly? A f*** buddy, a hooker, an affair? In other words, from someone with whom you have no 'connection' or no 'feelings'.

 

But what, you just told wifey that sex is the ONLY way you can feel connected to her?? So why are you so eager to do it with someone who have NO connection with whatsoever??

 

This isn't about 'connection' or 'emotions' or any of that tripe. You just want your pecker polished, and will say ANYTHING to acheive that end.

 

I call your BS.

 

 

This is about the most offensive post I have seen since I have been on LS. Here is a man at his witts end. He still loves his wife and is missing a very important aspect of married life. He has tried to discuss this to no avail with his wife. I thought it was well written for the most part.

 

And what you posted??? This is why relationships go down the drain. Have you read any books on how men see sex in a relationship?? The poor guy wants to feel connected to his wife. Sex is a very important way men make that connection. What happened to you that you are so jaded?

 

I will not argue that it could use some refinement, although I really did not have any problem with it. I think every man can identify with it. But from many of the responses, the MAN is suppose to walk on egg shells in communicating. F that.......Lets all be grownups.........NO MAN should be expected to live in a sexless marriage.

 

The only solution IMHO.........you discuss the problem........decide if she is serious at fixing or it will be the same old same old..........based on that, leave marriage.

[hotgurl]

jamesm,

 

I don't think your whinning and I thought your letter was beautiful. You need you wife in all ways and that is not wrong.

 

and you know older people do have sex.

 

It could be the meds because if she has no libdo at all it can have more to do with that than you.

 

Antidepressant are notorious for thier affect on the sex drive also you mentioned a thyroid problem. How are her hormone levels I know they are closely tied with the tyroid if her testorone is low that could be it.

 

Also on another note dealing with a long term illness is exhausting it may just be taking it's toll. I think conseling for her and marriage conseling for the both of you would be a good idea.

 

She needs to realized what damage this is doing to your relationship and that is is not normal or healthy.

[Walk]

JamesM,

 

I wasn't trying to insult you in my post... I just hoped that maybe if I pointed out how someone else might take your words, then you could find a new way to approach it. I thought if the way you were approaching wasn't working, then if you saw how it could be taken wrong then you could possibly avoid those wordings.

 

I'm truly sorry if it was offensive to you. I was trying to help, and I guess it back fired.

[whichwayisup]

I think he was reacting portableversion's unproductive post reply.