A Letter to My Wife....Sex IS Important.

[RecordProducer]

If a man can't get it up then a woman can certainly put some lube on and spread her legs, although it's not really what sex is about. But I would rather fake orgasms than say "no" to my husband for a long time, unless... if I don't love him.

 

(Watch out for the bricks that will be thrown at me for writing this! )

[SmoochieFace]

"If you no longer want sex and I have a "desire," then I may have to look elsewhere even if it is cheating."

 

JamesMD, you said this, not me. Where else are you going to look?? Barring divorce, your options are hookers, F buddies or an affair. None of which involve emotions or 'connections' that you SAY are so important, and which you say is missing in you marriage due to a lack of sex. So why are you going to cheat then??

 

JamesMD, I was actually sticking up for your wife.

 

It not my intent to be mean...just looking for consistency.

 

This is a valid point. Look real hard, ditch the *having to be nice* crap, and see the hypocrisy that is so blaringly obvious...

 

"If you no longer want sex and I have a "desire," then I may have to look elsewhere even if it is cheating."

 

So this really isn't about feeling any kind of emotional *bond* or *connection* with anyone - it is simply the desire to *get off*.

[SmoochieFace]

I mean, they get prostate cancer and s*** if they DON'T.

 

...

 

So you are telling us that a lack of sex (aka *draining the prostate*) leads to prostate cancer? From where did you hear that one, may I ask?

[michelangelo]

this link between prostate cancer and frequency of ejaculations has been known for awhile.

 

http://www.newscientist.com/article.ns?id=dn4861

[blind_otter]

...

 

So you are telling us that a lack of sex (aka *draining the prostate*) leads to prostate cancer? From where did you hear that one, may I ask?

 

I thought everyone knew about this. See the post above. There was a big huge prostate deal in the '90s, as I recall. Prostate fever.

[whichwayisup]

this link between prostate cancer and frequency of ejaculations has been known for awhile.

 

http://www.newscientist.com/article.ns?id=dn4861

 

So, if that is true, lol, why hasn't any POPES, past and present gotten prostate cancer??

[hotgurl]

So, if that is true, lol, why hasn't any POPES, past and present gotten prostate cancer??

 

for the obvious reason... I heard aids was a huge problem in the vatican a while back.

[blind_otter]

So, if that is true, lol, why hasn't any POPES, past and present gotten prostate cancer??

 

And the thread de-rail begins! I'm not touching that one. I was raised Catholic, and I totally know the answer to your confusion but I refuse to answer on teh grounds that it may incriminate the pope.

[michelangelo]

Do you think they'd let us know?

[TeaCooler]

Bu-u-u-unk. I've never known a man to put that much effort into something he didn't care about. If he jsut wants p*ssy he can have an affair, it would be easier for f***'s sake. But he wants to do it with his wife, big effing deal.

 

It's perfectly fine for a woman to be frigid, apparently. but if a man's is frigid, heaven's forfend, he's f***ed up in the head.

 

I mean honestly. 6 WEEKS without sex from your spouse?

 

WTF.

 

 

i didn't hint at any of the other things you said or how i felt about those issues.

 

i just said what i agreed with this in this one instance.

[whichwayisup]

Great point Michelangelo!

 

I'm sorry James for stealing your thread and going off topic.

[blind_otter]

i didn't hint at any of the other things you said or how i felt about those issues.

 

i just said what i agreed with this in this one instance.

 

I was reponding to both your agreement and the message you were agreeing to. I'm confused by your response above and don't understand the syntax of the first sentence.

[TeaCooler]

I was reponding to both your agreement and the message you were agreeing to. I'm confused by your response above and don't understand the syntax of the first sentence.

 

i'm not sure how else to say it...but i can see where the whole thing is hard to follow. i feel like i'm in a time warp; my mind is all over the freaking place.

 

nice signature, anyway.

[Angel]

Your letter was articulate and well thought out. Before I reply, let me ask you a few questions. How many children do you have and how old are they? Does your wife work outside the home?

 

If your wife works outside the home------and has a few young children, she is TIRED! Many men want the woman to cook, clean, work outside the home, and be a temptress-------well that doesn't work. Many men want more than they can afford. You want a temptress, hire a full time live-in housekeeper/cook and you might get a woman that is more available for fun. Raising children and working is SOOOOOOOOOO hard. That is why women gain weight---they have no time for themselves, then they feel awful and look terrible as well.

 

If your wife is a full time homemaker --- that is also very difficult. I hate to say this, but sometimes it is a matter of money. Women with money can look better (go to the gym, hair/nails/etc. etc).

 

I don't want to sound like a b..... but really, young families with lots of kids and not nearly enough money will have tired parents/moms that gain weight. Women that gain weight don't feel sexy (they can see the tv ads that men gawk at).

 

Just one possibility. Hope this is helpful.

[Mz. Pixie]

I so agree with this. If I wanted a roomate or friend I would have one but a marriage/relationship includes sex. and sexual intamacy. one in 6 weeks that's crap.

 

I never could understand why women withhold sex from thier partners and act like it's dirty or the guy is a perv for wanting it. And then act surprised when the guy leaves or has an affair.

 

I totally agree. To me, it's just something that you do- even if sometimes you don't want to. I'm sorry but unless you have a medical condition that prevents you from having sex or being able to please your partner even orally then you don't have an excuse.

 

Women need to also muster a little enthusiasm for sex when they have it as well. No man wants to be with someone who just lays there all the time.

 

Sure she's tired- but he's obviously helping her out around the house. Every once in a while though she could push past being tired to please her husband.

[SoleMate]

Sorry I missed the active phase of this thread.

 

To JamesM: I thought the letter was beautiful and sincere. It just needs a few tweaks and touches. All accusations need to go, and I think you would be much better off talking about YOUR feelings... which you actually have done a great job on. You know your wife, we don't...but I don't see much there that is going to trigger destructive reactions. It's quite constructive and positive.

 

Please read The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis. Also His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. I think you'll find that both authors understand exactly what you're going through and feeling right now, AND they have concrete suggestions that can help both of you move to a happier place in your marriage. Good luck, please be aware that I am truly sympathetic.

[RecordProducer]

I was raised Catholic, and I totally know the answer to your confusion but I refuse to answer on teh grounds that it may incriminate the pope.

Okay, so the last pope died from prostate cancer!

 

I heard aids was a huge problem in the vatican a while back.

Oh, but that's because they were helping poor children and accidently got in contact with the infected blood of the kids who - turns out later had AIDS - and the blood was on the children's toys.

 

(Please note that I made this up and any resemblance to the reality is coincidental)

[uncool]

James, you and I both have the same exact problem with the same type of wife. We both love them more than they love us. It sucks. I faced the same thing. I wrote a very abrubt letter like yours then sat on it a few days till I cooled down... then revised it to be nicer, more respectful but still got the point across.(or so I thought) Wife read the letter, invited me back to bed. She gave me some "I'm sorry" sex a few nights later. That was 2 weeks ago, no intimacy since. Tonight she teased me by putting the kids to bed early and having a candle light dinner with just me and her... then we hop in the sack and notice she didn't take her bra off and tied another double knot in her bath robe. So what I do now is move on to the next step (marriage counciling) since she didn't take the letter seriously. So my point is; what if she reads your letter and just thinks you're sulking and pouting again. She may be waiting for you to get over it. Are you really gonna pull the plug like you threaten? Can you really just file for divorce or go commit adultery to the wives we love just to prove a point? There has to be more steps and bigger warning shots fired first. Maybe some women can help us men identify something that might get their attention. How about moving out? My wife didn't take the letter seriously yet. Maybe yours will.

[JamesM]

Truthfully, I cannot at this point feel comfortable giving her the letter. In my case, I know my wife knows my feelings. I also know that our problems stem from: fibromyalgia or thyroid related illness, overtiredness, or simply libido shutdown due to some meds.

 

I am trying to disocver if one of the above is the problem first. I am currently reading a GOOD book which you may find very useful called "The Sex Starved Marriage" by Michele Weiner Davis. I recommend this to you.

 

As you found out, this letter may serve no better purpose than venting off steam. She knows how I feel, but I think her inner feelings are that I do not understand how she feels. In her mind all I want is sex.

 

I feel for you. As the saying goes, we did not marry to become celibate.

[Angel]

"fibromyalgia or thyroid related illness, overtiredness, or simply libido shutdown due to some meds"

 

duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[Ladyjane14]

.....we did not marry to become celibate.

 

That's true enough. But you have to remember that your wife didn't marry you to MAKE you celibate either. If you're going to be successful in repairing your relationship, it's important that you have faith in the idea that your wife's low libido is NOT a choice. This is unlikely to be intentional behavior, done for the sake of making YOU unhappy.

 

Most men can accept the idea that a woman craves an emotional connection in order to be sexual, and that a man craves the sexual connection in order to be emotionally validated. But....you can't truly conceive the REALITY of it. You can't FEEL it. Because you're not a woman. She can't feel your feelings either....she's not a man.

 

Women aren't marinating in testosterone all day.

Until you are lacking from that particular chemical stimulus, you'll never know how important it is to engage a woman's mind and her emotions. Just as we women can only guess at what it might feel like to be 'under the influence' of all that consistant chemical bombardment....you can only guess at what it might feel like to lack it.

 

You know, I saw this documentary program about a man who was undergoing a gender reassignment. When he started the hormone therapy, he expressed complete amazement at the difference in his drive. I can't remember verbatim how he described it....but the gist was that he could no longer hear the constant low buzzing of his libido trying to engage him in sexual behavior. Having become accustomed to the 'white noise' of his drive, he didn't notice how demanding it was until it became silent.

 

I can see why the temptation to personalize your wife's behavior as rejection is so strong. It's not rocket science to understand that you can't marry a man, expect fidelity from him....and then deny him sexual gratification within the marriage. It's got to be extremely frustrating to not be able to get your message across in terms that elicit real and lasting change. You probably feel 'ripped off' as if there were some kind of 'bait and switch' at work. But there isn't. There's no intent.

 

It all comes down to communication. The ONLY way your spouse can experience what it is to be YOU is if you can paint the picture in words she can understand.

 

It's true that sometimes, we will run into a situation in which there will NEVER be any understanding. Unfortunately, some folks are inflexible. They can't 'walk a mile'.

 

But there's a commonality to this particular problem. The unequal libido issue is almost a cliche, it's just that common. And if it were truly insurmountable.....we'd likely see divorce rates approaching 100%, or Marriage itself extinct. What that tells me is that the problem is temporary in nature....that is, as long as it's properly addressed.

 

"Never ascribe to malice that which is adaquately explained by incompetance". -Napoleon Bonaparte

 

Maybe we shouldn't ascribe to malice that which can be explained by ignorance either?

 

Just because your wife says she understands....doesn't mean she really does. She can't FEEL what you feel.

[Angel]

My gosh, your words were EXACTLY what I was trying to say with "duhhh". Are you a writer? The "marinating" in testosterone is exactly the issue juxtaposing his wife's lack of interest.

 

I hope James really listens and reacts to your words. I truly feel for him because no one marries to become celibate. She is just as unhappy with her lack of interest.

[JamesM]

LadyJane, I cannot thank you enough for your thoughts. I have been readin them on the different "low sex" threads, and I find them very helpful. You have been able to describe objectively my thoughts and her thoughts.

 

I am reading "The Sex Starved Marriage" and am amazed at how well it describes my feelings but also my wife's. I am hoping for a "miracle" when reading it.

 

One comment...I think for me (and maybe most men), sex IS the way that I know that my wife loves me. Since I have such a "need," then I assume she does, too. If I am not happy without sex, then she isn't. And since she isn't, then she may look elsewhere. I am beginning to believe that this isn't true for her, but I also know that without it, she doesn't feel as close to me.

 

I have no negative comments regarding your posts. If you run across any other books, comments, or information that you think are helpful, feel free to post it or PM me.

[JamesM]

She is just as unhappy with her lack of interest.

 

Angel, I know this to be true, She has said to me that "You do not realize how heavy this weighs upon my heart." Yes, those exact words. I gues this doesn't change anything, but it may actually make it worse, too. If she feels guilty, depressed, etc. because she has no interest, I doubt that this will magically translate into interest. Probably it wil make her less interested because she may force herself to be interested. Right or wrong?

[Angel]

I don't think it will make her less interested, it will just put more pressure on her.

 

I believe you mentioned that she in uncomfortable with her weight. Boy, that'll do it for sure. Just that alone will quell any interest because she is so preoccupied with what you're thinking about her body that nothing will arouse her.

 

Help her lose weight without putting pressure on her for sex. Set up a routine (for both of you) in the home that will help her lose the weight without saying it; say it is for you if you have to. Make life changes----YOU cook healthy meals for you two---show her how to lift weights, walk, simple workout. Make THAT the priority. Promote a healthy lifestyle for you two. 20 pounds off the middle will create fire down below. The workouts will give her mental energy. Concentrate on helping her emotional well being. (Do other things to relieve your needs for the time-being, barring infidelity of any sort.)