Author JamesM Posted March 18, 2006 Author Share Posted March 18, 2006 Thanks for the suggestion. even though I am going to make some seemingly criticisms, I am thinking of this. In the past my wife and I both belonged to the gym. After we had children she stopped then a few years later I stopped due to schedule conflicts. We have a treadmill and a set of weights in the house. She actually has been the one who has been trying to use the treadmill more lately. However, this is something I should start doing. Me cook healthy meals? I couldn't help but laugh. I can make a few meals, but they consist of mac and cheese, eggs, pizza, and anything already pre-prepared. So, no, this part isn't me...and yes, it would be a huge life change. What I did get from here is that we had a good time back when we both exercised. It motivated both of us. I think this is what I need to do again. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 Here's another idea, and if it doesn't work, atleast it will be FUN and a learning thing... Depending where you live, there are classes for couples and singles, gay, lesbian, straight, etc., where you can take a two hour course on how to give oral sex. You learn new things, and it's just a fun thing to do! That MAY be something to think about...Atleast you two will be laughing abit in class! (Oh, just FYI, noone is naked and performing on eachother, lol, they supply dildo's and stuff to practice on!) Another thing to do together is Yoga. It's relaxing, peaceful and gets your body into shape, tones it up. You can buy a 20 minute tape for beginners. (Then after doing yoga, - give her a senual and relaxing massage, lick her body, use oils and make her feel wonderful. That's a good starting place...If you know what I mean. It opens the door for further intimacy and fooling around...) Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 ...I think for me (and maybe most men), sex IS the way that I know that my wife loves me. Since I have such a "need," then I assume she does, too. If I am not happy without sex, then she isn't. And since she isn't, then she may look elsewhere. I am beginning to believe that this isn't true for her, but I also know that without it, she doesn't feel as close to me. Those statements seem to be at odds with one another, and yet weirdly enough....they are not. It's true that there are times in a woman's life when her libido is low...that she can be quite happy without sex. And equally true that she misses having a "need" for it in her life, and she feels inadaquate as a partner to her husband. She looks around at other women who are bragging about their sex-lives, and feels envy. Yet, when she resolves to do better and 'get in the game', she ends up feeling molested by the sexual act rather than loved, because try as she might....her libido has failed her. It just ends up gross and weird....as if your GYN suddenly started taking liberties. For a man...you could liken that to having a sexual experience without ever getting an erection. I think you've got this whole thing pretty well figured out, JamesM. All that's left to do now is to keep working it out through communication. There will be times when you're frustrated. You'll be tempted to react emotionally. Those might be the times when you step back and take a more scientific approach. It's sooooo much easier to work through this problem when you're not personalizing it. Link to post Share on other sites
Bob Dole Posted March 23, 2006 Share Posted March 23, 2006 Wow, James. I actually found your letter deeply moving ... and with the exception of one empty-headed waste of bandwidth, most of the commentators on this thread have been pretty remarkable. And man ... do I ever feel your pain. I've been there. And I'm there again. The same situation effectively ended my first marriage. My wife turned into a roommate, and I made some very poor choices as a result. The marriage might have ended anyway ... but boy, I wish I wouldn't have turned elsewhere to get those "needs" met. Almost a decade later and I'm still dealing with the consequences, at least in how I think of myself. But I'm almost back to the same place in my current relationship. With my ex, it was never particularly sexual. But this time around .... I'm just baffled, because in the early months and years our relationship was truly passionate. Exhausting. Now? I could count the number of times we've had sex this year on one hand. With a couple fingers left over. Like I said ... I know where you're coming from. If you come up with a magical solution, let me know. A couple thoughts on your letter: First, I'd echo what others have said - no need to mention "going elsewhere." I'd suggest making the letter more about your feelings and emotions, rather than about what SHE isn't giving you. Know what I mean? Second, on that note -- I might try to just about eliminate the word "you" from the letter. A lot of what you wrote is "you" did this or don't do that. If I were you, I'd consider changing that to "I feel" and "this hurts me" ... that sort of thing. Yeah, I know it's kinda corny and mushy. But I know with my lady, the minute the word "you" comes outta my dumb mouth ... I'm usually headed for trouble. But my third and biggest thought - and I think it answers some of your critics here - is that you might actually want to delete the word "sex" altogether. Yeah, I know. Sounds crazy, right? But hear me out. And rather than talk about YOU, I'll talk about me. I sounded just like your letter and I still do about this sexless relationship. But the reality - for me - is that its not really about SEX at all. It's about passion. Excitement. That little thrill. More than anything else, for me, it's about feeling wanted. The truth is, if I had my choice between a hundred orgasms a week and ONE truly passionate kiss from my lady .... even one glance in my direction that showed a little desire and passion, the way she used to look at me .... I'd pick that kiss and that glance in a heartbeat. I swear that's why my marriage ended. I think a kiss a week would have saved it. But by the end, I didn't feel wanted. I didn't feel like a man. And for us men, that is something like death. And something so many women just don't seem to understand. Is it possible you feel the same? Is it really about "sex" for you? Is it just an ejaculation? Or is it that passion? That your wife doesn't let you know she still wants and desires you as a man? Jesus, I sound like Dr. Phil. I swear I'm straight. Really. Anyway, if I'm close here and you are like me ..... that its not about "getting laid" as a couple of idiots above put it ... maybe the word "sex" doesn't belong? Maybe change it to passion? Or desire? Maybe I'm way off base. But somebody else suggested that if all you wanted was to get laid - there are definitely other ways to about it. It sounds like you are like I was - and am. That you just want to be wanted. It is such a shame women don't get this. Are you listening ladies? Your husband doesn't need you naked and hanging from the chandelier. He just needs to see a spark of passion in your eyes, now and then. Us men just kind of like to feel like men, now and then. Conquering heroes and all that. One good kiss a week would have done it for me. Of course, a long slow screw isn't exactly a bad thing either. Best of luck to you, brother. It ain't easy, I know. By the way, I'm approaching the whole thing with a new strategy this time around. I don't mention sex at all. I'm starting slowly and patiently. Spending time with her, lots of backrubs, lots of walks in the park. I have a theory - and my theory is that chasing passion in a relationship is like chasing the wind. I suspect - I hope - that if I let it go for now, concentrate on the non-sexual parts of the relationship ..... that the passion will return all on its own, sooner or later. I really think that in most cases, chasing the sex is the best way to keep pushing it away. Or maybe I'll just become a monk Link to post Share on other sites
MusicWoman Posted March 23, 2006 Share Posted March 23, 2006 great post bob Link to post Share on other sites
ministrychick77 Posted March 27, 2006 Share Posted March 27, 2006 honestly, that was beautiful! me and my hubby are going through almost the same thing right now. he's on meds which have killed his libido, while mine is going through the roof. i'm constantly playing with myself, and when i do it when he's around, he gets this disgusted look and stops paying attention to me. my libido has always been quite high. his was decent until our wedding day. since then, we're lucky if we have sex once every 3-8 weeks. it hurts me really bad that we can't have sex. it's to the point where we've tried and i'll start crying just because i miss him. i couldn't masturbate for the longest time without crying because i missed him. i can only suggest talking with her about it and telling her what you really feel. then it's up to her to see what she'll do... Link to post Share on other sites
Author JamesM Posted March 27, 2006 Author Share Posted March 27, 2006 Ministrychick, I think it would be good for you to start a thread with your story. This is not a putdown, but from what I see in your two posts, you have a story to tell that others here may give good advice. Your first post mentions that your husband is bisexual. This one says after marriage, he quit liking sex. There is something there. And your name...ministrychick has a meaning. I for one am eager to read your thread. As for my story, I am becoming convinced that many of her troubles are related to thyroid. Sounds simple? Do a google on fibro and thyroid and childhood trauma. There is a connection. Hypothyroidism will kill the libido, as will all of the other "diseases" she has. This is the angle I am now looking at. Anyone that has info that may help, or has gone thru this ....please, please, I am listening. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 27, 2006 Share Posted March 27, 2006 I used to have a lot of physical ailments that I believe are related to my PTSD - I had this mysterious digestive disease for 3 years and lived off liquid nutrition because my stomach muscles just stopped working. It happened mainly when I was sort of stuffing my problems -- they came out in my body instead. Started actually workign through my issues, the physical ailments are much less overwhelming. IMO, it's your body telling you there's something seriously wrong that you are ignoring or overlooking or sticking your head in the sand about. Link to post Share on other sites
alturrnababe Posted April 9, 2006 Share Posted April 9, 2006 I thought your letter was eloquently and nicely written.How awful to have to live in that kind of emotional turmoil every day...i truly wish you the best! Link to post Share on other sites
Author JamesM Posted April 10, 2006 Author Share Posted April 10, 2006 Well, let me give an update. Part of my research led me to the fact that my wife's hypothyroidism may play a bigger part in her loss of libido than I thought. A poster here and on another Board drew that to my attention. As a result, my wife is on a different med which has eliminated almost all of her symptoms that were attributed to fibromyalgia and depression. The results have been great. We had one lovemaking "session" whihc was the best in at least three to four years. She enjoyed it more than she thought. I am skeptical that this is the only problem we have, but so far it is true. She is more loving, patient and cheerful. She say that I would be too if the pain was gone. One day last week was painful, but otherwise, we have had over a week of excellent days. I am hoping that it continues. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 10, 2006 Share Posted April 10, 2006 That's a good start. Keep the faith going. Though, you've suffered SO much pain I hope you're able to work through this. And she too, probably is aware of what she has done so I suggest some marriage counselling. Learn how to be together again. To love eachother, talk together and really listen. Link to post Share on other sites
juneberry Posted April 10, 2006 Share Posted April 10, 2006 James- I could have wrote that letter filled with the same angst, the same longing,many many tears and the same frustration- except I'm a woman, and the thought of never having a mans arms around me is daunting.We have tried-at least I have- many things,but I cannot change the situation other than leave, but being in my middle years with children and grandchildren, that would not be an easy task.I have learned to put my feelings in another place and rarely take them out,because that would just cause a flood of emotion that would be too overwhelming.It's just safer to leave them where they are.So James my friend, my heart goes out to you, just know that you are not alone.... Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 Really glad to hear that things worked out for you both JamesM. Granted your wife is much older and set in her life than I was when I found T3, but I know after the initial euphoria of my life all of a sudden being wonderful wore off I had a lot of resentment and anger to deal with. I was thrilled that my life was turning around but resentful at the fact that I could have had a normal childhood and a normal life if the doctors had listened to me and one of them gave me that little pill. I've since come to terms with it but it took a while. I don't know if she's going to go through the same thing or not but there are a lot of emotions to go through when you've been living in chronic pain and you find the cure. Both positive and negative emotions. I really hope you and your wife are able to turn things around and I'm really glad that you found the answer for both her sake and yours. You're a great husband for trying to help her instead of walking away. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
1Gravity Posted April 19, 2006 Share Posted April 19, 2006 First, thanks for sharing this post. I'm a Dr. Laura Fan and have been married for 17 years. Most recently we have gone 14 months without sex. MC for us pointed out how our sex was totally one sided. she had no desire and therefore rarely actively participated. She claims she is normal and won't do anything differently. I'm done fighting it. We agreed to stay married for the sake of the kids nearly a year ago. For her, it's a pretty winning situation. She doesn't have to work, volunteers when she feels like it and spends money with abondon. We both claim to be Christians but frankly, it would be hard to determine our faith by looking at our marriage. Love, honor and obey were in use when we got married. Thanks again for the post, 1Gravity Link to post Share on other sites
mazhai23 Posted April 19, 2006 Share Posted April 19, 2006 as a girl...this letter seems like the most touching thing anyone would invest into writing to their wife. Link to post Share on other sites
juneberry Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 you have and will go through many stages of emotion. And while your dying inside its amazing how oblivious your partner can be. We are taught to talk about it discuss it, but what's the point if no one is listening. (But You sound like me about six months or a year ago) The last thing you want is to do is to shut down, but sometimes its the only protection you have. But I will say this, once you get to shutting down, that is where the danger lies, you have seperated emotionaly and you become terribly vulnerable..... juneberry Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 Yet, when she resolves to do better and 'get in the game', she ends up feeling molested by the sexual act rather than loved, because try as she might....her libido has failed her. It just ends up gross and weird....as if your GYN suddenly started taking liberties. For a man...you could liken that to having a sexual experience without ever getting an erection. That was really well explained LJ. I can related to that very clearly at times when my libido has been low. Link to post Share on other sites
juneberry Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 in seeing littlekittys response, I realize there are always two sides to a story! and it must be awful being on the other side of the coin. Unfortunatly I can't feel the pain only, try to understand. But it is really so much more than the sex. And I find there is anger just beneath the surface. Even seemingly innocent things sparks intense anger at times, so on top of everything else i'm trying to control that as well.. Juneberry.. Link to post Share on other sites
blueroses Posted April 22, 2006 Share Posted April 22, 2006 I hope you give the letter to your wife with roses mabey leave it on the bed befor you go to work or in her car,it would be a good idea to leave out the cheating part i agree with the other people,Mabey leave that part out but add instead , i want to share all of my love for you by making love with you and no one else ,you are more special and sexy and beautiful to me than the first day we met.I think the letter was honest,open,straight forword,No need to make it mushy or not what it is a beautiful letter,i think the conversation has been broughten up befor and wasting more time and then bringing it up again may make her feel your hounding her about it,while its fresh in her mind id give it to her then drop it for about 2 months and give her space to think freeley about it with out pressure ,She may start being interested or come to talk to you about it.my story is the same almost but my husband never initiates sex i miss it alot he says he never thinks of it with me or anyone else and befor me he was the same way with others just not interested very much,a few years ago he was diagnosed with being a diabetic ,The meds hes on does lower his drive but in still left sexless unless i ask then it isnt very enjoyable because i feel like im begging or unnatual,I wonder if thats why i think about sex almost 24/7,any way sorry this reply is so long,I hope it all goes well for you. Link to post Share on other sites
juneberry Posted April 22, 2006 Share Posted April 22, 2006 I told my husband after one excuse to many that I would never look to him again, and moved into my own room. Sad that it came to this but my heart can only take so much. Its not a matter of is he loves me I know he does. But to be honest I do look at other men, even dream about men, whether I would do anything about it I couldn't say, but sometimes those lines of communition have been cot off so you are going it alone.. Juneberry..... Link to post Share on other sites
honeybunch2k5 Posted April 22, 2006 Share Posted April 22, 2006 I don't think it will make her less interested, it will just put more pressure on her. I believe you mentioned that she in uncomfortable with her weight. Boy, that'll do it for sure. Just that alone will quell any interest because she is so preoccupied with what you're thinking about her body that nothing will arouse her. Help her lose weight without putting pressure on her for sex. Set up a routine (for both of you) in the home that will help her lose the weight without saying it; say it is for you if you have to. Make life changes----YOU cook healthy meals for you two---show her how to lift weights, walk, simple workout. Make THAT the priority. Promote a healthy lifestyle for you two. 20 pounds off the middle will create fire down below. The workouts will give her mental energy. Concentrate on helping her emotional well being. (Do other things to relieve your needs for the time-being, barring infidelity of any sort.) Exercise supposedly helps one's sex drive. It's doing me wonders for me. Exercise is supposed to enhance confidence in one's body. Have you ever told her that you like her soft, feminine body? Does your wife think sex is nasty? And I do think the meds are hurting her libido. I can see some people thought you're only after sex, but I think sex is your way of doing something spectacular for your wife. Or at least that's what John Gray says:lmao: . You're letter really touched me, and I think going without sex in a marriage for weeks at a time is crazy. I wish a guy would write something like that for me. Btw, would you happen to have a brother? Link to post Share on other sites
frischi Posted April 23, 2006 Share Posted April 23, 2006 I admire most of the women who posted in this. They seem to understand the problem and have had great advise. But for those who refuse to accept that fact that so many women use sex as tool and even as a weapon your the reason for infidelity. Men need sex and that is a fact of life and has been for thousands of years. For you to think you will change it or for you to make yourself feel good by bashing a man for wanting it is off the wall and just simply cruel and mean. Sex is a large part of a union between two people. Right after you get married you go on a honeymoon. We all know what you do there and most honeymoons are focused on the sex. There were so many times that I did not want to have sex and my wife became extremely suspicious. There was no need to be, but thats how she felt. She, like most women, believe that men need it and want it all day and all night and that when it is pesented to them that they have to take it. Not here. Men want it, yes, but believe it or not, we don't want it all the time and some of us even like to just cuddle and snuggle in bed together. And I am one who also likes to lay down together after making love and talk and hold each other. Sex and making love. These are two different creatures. Sex is what you get when you want it fast and simple or with someone else. I have sex with my wife and we enjoy the "sex". But we enjoy the love making even more. And that si what i believe James M is talking about. He wants to make love to his wife, not have sex. Link to post Share on other sites
juneberry Posted April 23, 2006 Share Posted April 23, 2006 I have never thought of men as the bad guy's, infact I would like nothing better if My hubby wanted to be the bad guy..!!! I for one really appreciate men and there sexuality and I know I am not alone. For all you men out there who are feeling unappeciated, this is one women who would give her right arm for a little interest from my partner! (oh and I wouldn't even care about the roses) lol.... Juneberry Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted April 23, 2006 Share Posted April 23, 2006 I haven't read the other 90+ responses so I may be all wet or saying something that's already been said. In my view, if you have to write your wife a letter, there's a real communication problem with your marriage that may transcend any other issues. Can't the two of you just talk? Link to post Share on other sites
Presario Posted April 24, 2006 Share Posted April 24, 2006 JamesM, you seem to be doing a good job, but have you thought about accepting the situation as it is now? Link to post Share on other sites
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