A Letter to My Wife....Sex IS Important.

[JamesM]

Honeybunch, I do have a single brother....is he like me? I think so.

 

Interestingly enough...many may not believe it...our lack of sex came down to one thing: undertreated hypothyroidism. This caused her to have a very low libido, depression, aching joints and muscles, and general fatigue. And yes, I take the credit for finding a solution. My extreme frustration with our lack of sex caused me to google low libido and forum. This is how I ended up here and at other Boards. One Board plus this one mentioned using a different med for her thyroid. I mentioned it to her, she brought it to her doctor, he gave it to her, and we are happy again. No kidding. We had sex three times from January 1 thru April 3. Since then, we have had it four times. The best part is that it is mutually enjoyable. She WANTS it...she has Os. It is no longer about me wanting sex. It is about us making love. She has a libido. Yes, Virginia, there really is a magic pill for sex.

 

I posted a thread called "Our Intimacy is back!" I have been scared that it won't last, but it has. Our marriage has improved tremendously. Sex is no longer an issue. The elephant has left the building. It is amazing how much strain this has taken off our marriage.

 

SO, Presario, no, I could not accept the situation as it was. Back in December when I joined, I decided that I could stay status quo, fix the problem (to the best of my ability), or leave. Status quo made me angry, frustrated, and depressed. Leaving was not an option unless I felt that I had exhausted all options of fixing the problem. This left me with fixing the problem. I knew that if I couldn't, I would be very vulnerable to an affair. This scared me....I have children who look to me as an example and for stability.

 

Curmudgeon, you are right. If I needed to write, there was a communication problem. But it was true, we could no longer talk about our lack of sex. She knew it was a problem, but she didn't know how to address it. She wanted to ignore it. Hindsight is 20-20, but she had so many internal and physical problems plus no libido....sex was not even considered important. Yet she knew that deep down, it WAS important. As you will see when you read my other post, I did say pretty much what was in my letter to her right after she started the med. This may have helped our situation. And yes, I mentioned that cheating was on my mind.

 

In conclusion...do NOT give up. do not assume that it is obviously a certain thing causing your problen. If I related all of the things my wife said about me and me wanting sex...this would include that she had no feelings for me, she never wanted sex, I was selfish, she thought of her past when we did it, etc., it may seem obvious as to what the reason behind our lack of sex. And it would have been easy for me to give an ultimatum which would have yielded no results. Then I would have left a marriage that could have been fixed. Someday I would have looked at a healthier wife (maybe) and wondered what if?

 

What I wanted was my sex life back, what I got was my wife back. (She got her health...most of it...back.). It is a miracle to both of us.

[Ladyjane14]

In conclusion...do NOT give up. do not assume that it is obviously a certain thing causing your problen. If I related all of the things my wife said about me and me wanting sex...this would include that she had no feelings for me, she never wanted sex, I was selfish, she thought of her past when we did it, etc., it may seem obvious as to what the reason behind our lack of sex. And it would have been easy for me to give an ultimatum which would have yielded no results. Then I would have left a marriage that could have been fixed. Someday I would have looked at a healthier wife (maybe) and wondered what if?

 

Great job, JamesM. It's just wild how you both bought in to the same "assumptions" initially. But when you got busy sorting the chaff from the wheat....it turned out to be something entirely different.

 

What a great example in what can be accomplished by an open mind and a willingness to explore all the possibilites.

 

Stay on it though, and don't allow complacency to settle in. Getting the physiological issues taken care of will take you a looooonng way, but there's daily maintenance to be done for EVERY married relationship.

[kitten chick]

I felt really overwhelmed (in a good way) when I read this follow up post. You should take credit for it, you've gone above and beyond and I hope she thanks you every day for what you've done for her.

[Presario]

JamesM, great news! Congratulations.

[2sunny]

I am so happy for you and your wife.

 

I have a feeling tho - that even now that you have solved the issue that brought you here to LS that you are inclined to stick around just for the fun of it.....

[JamesM]

Thanks for the compliments. From the bottom of my heart, I truly do appreciate them. I am still overwhelmed myself, kittenchick, that things have changed. Tonight when I was working in the backyard, I was thinking that I hope this doesn't end. And kittenchick, thanks to you as well...you know your post contributed greatly to "my success."

 

I am not sure I take credit so much as "coincidence" or fate or God's Providence brought me to the Board at this particular time. Someone on this Board posted the thyroid med and directed me to another Board which "handed" me my solution. This Board started it all.

 

2sunny....you are so correct...LS is addicting! If I can in any way give back to the people who so unselfishly gave me advice which solved my problem, I feel deeply honored. This is the best way I know of to express my gratitude.

 

LJ, I truly hope and pray I do not become complacent. I hope I always marvel at the beauty my wife has become....I hope I never forget the woman she was while "ill." Interestingly, now I take her complaints and concerns more seriously. I do not attribute them to her aches, pains, or depression.

[JamesM]

And as of today, July 14, things have not changed. Our life is still as good as in April. The meds truly have changed my wife. We have had sex about once a week. When things have not been as good, I now know that it is a relationship problem.

 

I am happy to say that life still is going well...just an update.

[Guest juneberry]

James I wonder what has happened to you since your first letter. Has anything changed? Has she seen the letter?

 

There are no easy answers, only questions in a situation like this. I am on the other side as its my husband who has no interest. And going to a counselor can only help if she is willing to explore this.

 

Problem is when the ones who feel left behind, shut down, its leaves a huge gap and god only knows who or what will fill it...

 

juneberry

[lnacpacfa]

I read your letter and read the responses, but I do not know how much good it will do. It may be a sign of the times or an epidemic, but it seems as though there is a vast majority of married women who think that having sex with their husbands is no longer necessary. Thus the high level of divorce and the amount of cheating spouses. I personally am in a relationship where my wife does not believe in having sex (I also think it is a function of ending the procreation phase).

 

At first it would be weeks; then weeks stretched into months and now we are going on our fourth year without having a sexual relationship. In the meantime, we have stayed together for the children and to present the "married couple" picture. I constantly fell into the belief that if I did one more thing, she would change, but to no avail. If I did more household chores (cleaning and cooking), then it was providing more money, then it was being more attentive. I can tell you, it doesn't work. It is as the old saying goes "you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink". If a spouse does not want to have sex, you cannot make them do it.

 

A simple word of advice to women who do love their husbands; it is easy to keep us happy and attentive, it you are keeping us physically happy. That is not saying to prostitize yourself, just know that the physical part is important to a complete marriage.

 

I have communicated my unhappiness to my wife, but, like many women today, she puts this problem at the bottom of the priority list and we go our merry way. In the near future she will be experiencing the "he suddenly left me" syndrome. I am not cheating on her, and I do not plan on cheating on her, but I know that out there, somewhere, there is someone who is willing to have a complete relationship. If not, I am more than willing to be alone, because I already am.

[JamesM]

As I reported, her change in thyroid meds brought her libido back. She now enjoys sex.

 

Did she ever see this letter? No, but I told her pretty much everything in it in person...including going elsewhere about the time of the med change. She definitely has done a 180 degree turn.

 

Counseling was and is not necessary. Our relationship is like the good old days but better.

 

What was amazing to me is how that sex brought our relationship back.. not just for me but both of us.

[RyanRay]

James - I do have to say that if I were to have written a similar letter, I probably would have included much of the same feelings you have written about. I'm in a very similar situation, although there don't appear to be as many concrete reasons for the lack of sex (work, fatigue, etc.) It seems to be a VERY common, yet VERY complex problem and I have yet to figure out the answers myself. I wish it was as easy as saying "let's just go see a MC." A lot of woman out there (and men for that matter) don't view this as a solution to a problem, and this could ultimately make things worse in the short term.

 

James, I've read a lot of the negative responses you've received to your post, and the best thing to do here is don't give them a second thought and know that you're definitely not alone in your situation.

 

RR