The temptation to break No Contact.

[pistol]

I posted a question here about three weeks ago and I got some really great advice back, it was with regards to my ex-girlfriend, we had been out of contact for about two months after trying to be friends, I thought I was never going to hear from her again, and to be honest I was slowly getting use to that fact, then low and behold I heard from her again. Only now I only seem to be more confused, I was really hoping that someone or someone's might be kind enough to give me some independent advice as I feel thats really what I need, I only hope I explain this right.

 

To give an explanation. My ex-girlfriend and I are 23 and 25 respectively, we had been dating for three and a half years, in which we had been travelling together for a year, we have been through many emotional rollercoasters together, some good some bad. My ex, as some might remember from my last thread has what you might call baggage, she suffers from manic depression, bulimia and anorexia. which has plagued her for almost half of her life. When we broke up it wasn't because either of us cheated or anything like that, it had just gotten bad.

 

I felt I had never really gotten closure from the relationship and I always found that really hard to bear. Well a day before my birthday, she started texting me all of a sudden, wishing me a happy birthday and telling me how lost she has been without me, and that she doesn't know who she is without me, and that she loves me. After a long think, and probably weakness I texted back. We talked and eventually met a few times, I kept it very cool and uncomplicated I waited for her to initialize things and tried to show her that I had changed and was getting on with my life, we went for drink, cinema, drives and it was amazing. Although it kind of felt like we were glossing over things and weren't talking about the nitty gritty and I really felt myself going backwards again from within, the way she ended it last time really hurt, and I really wanted to avoid going through that pain again. I decided I would rather take pain now than much furher down the line.

 

So I sat her down and asked her what she meant by those messages, she said that she really missed me and wanted to hear from me, I asked her does she want friendship or more. Her response was that she is so messed up at the moment that she needs to sort herself out first, try and make herself happy again before she can even think about going into a relationship with anyone, she just couldn't handle a relationship in her current state of mind, which i do kind of agree with. I had to be honest with her and tell her that I don't think at the moment I could just be her friend without having motives towards a relationship, I was scared that I wouldn't be any good as a friend to her, and that it would lead to me being all messed up in the head again. Which I was. We cried, hugged, and told each other how much we loved one another, and that was it I walked away.

 

Next day, I couldn't go to work everytime I spoke to someone I just burst into tears, I text her and told her how I was feeling and she said she was exactly the same, and that she loved me so much and was so confused, before going to bed I received this message from her

 

" i HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND. IT'S SO HARD. I BLAME MYSELF FOR ALOT THAT WENT WRONG IN OUR RELATIONSHIP. THE WAY I AM. I WANT DESPERATELY TO SORT MYSELF OUT. SO I'M NOT LIKE THAT ANYMORE. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, IT HURTS! I NEED TIME - EVERYTHING IS STILL SO SAW AND PAINFUL. WHATS MEANT TO BE WILL BE. BECAUSE I CAN'T IMAGINE EVER WANTING TO BE WITH ANYONE ELSE. X X"

 

I chose not to reply to this text message, going by people's advice, its has now been five weeks and I haven't contacted her in anyway. Like wise I haven't heard from her, and I think it unlikely that I would do considering it was me that requested NC. Although I find her text message very confusing!!

 

I still really miss her, more so in the last week, and am tempted to break NC and try to get into contact, I'm just trying to work it out in my own mind, am I just getting into contact because I'm feeling abit lonely. I still would like to get back together should this stop me from trying to get back in contact, until I no longer feel like this. From people's past experiences could I just be re-opening old wounds? Should I try to be strong and be her friend?

 

It's mother's day in a couple of weeks, she has a small girl from a past relationship, I was thinking about sending a card, nothing mushy, very simple, is this a bad idea.

 

So confused... Please help and advise.

[footinthemouth]

My ex wife was going through bulimia when I first started seeing her. We went to some therapy,but I don't know how well that went because after a while I would just stop asking her about it, so that she wouldn't get upset. It's a hard issue to deal with, not only the problem but everything else associated with it, body image, going out to eat, wondering what she might be doing in the bathroom for so long. Guess I just kind of brushed it under the carpet.

 

It sounds like you're still pretty hooked up on her still. I think that the NC is going to do you good, but you need to focus on yourself to heal and feel better. You both seem to know what you feel is the right thing to do, and the friendship thing isn't going so well. There are still the feelings of getting back together that is clouding your judgement. Hell I think those things too, but I know that I need to be apart from her so that I can heal myself.

 

You will know when the time is right if you can be friends with her or not. Right now it's hard since your break up is fairly new. Too many emotions that are not under control, that causes you to do irrational thinking. You're still pretty young, so there's plenty of time for both of you to change and possibly come back together later. Don't go crazy hoping for it, but keep the door open if you can.

[Apathetic]

The temptation is horrible!!..Im going through the NC situation also..havent called my EX in about 3 days,havent IMed him or let him see me online.The last day we spoke was Sunday morning & the next day or should I say morning,he sent me a text at 4 AM saying 'I see you dont know how to keep in touch" Then he sent me another text later the same day asking "where the hell have you been" And another one asking the same question about 7 hours later...

 

I have to be honest & say that I am happy to see him wondering where I am & what im doing etc..But unfortunatly I am going to break NC today & call him b/c I cant go without talking to him for long & I am dying to see him..Ughh I hate my moments of weakness! But yes the temptation is hard to get over & unfortunatly it seems I am giving in.

[pistol]

Hey thankyou for your great advice, I know exactly what you mean Foot in Mouth, bulimia is a horrible for her to habve to deal with, and horrible to witness if you love the person. We had exactly the same issues, she's 5ft 5 and at one point weighed six and a half stone. We could never go out for a meal or if we did she would eat and eat and then be bent over in pain, we would need to make a quick exit so she could be sick, and take lots of laxatives. The evening would be ruinined. I also tried every approach to help her but in the end brushed it under he carpet so that she would not get mad when I brought it up.

 

But thats the hardest thing she had all these problems, and a child. But I loved her so much, and sometimes I have a real go at myself for not being strong enough now to break no contact and be her friend, I just don't know if I can do it, without getting messed up all over again myself, she says she couldn't imagine wanting to be with anyone else but there just words, I don't know how I could handle her being with someone else.

 

I've got deep respect for those people that can be best friends after a break up, I deeply hope we can be friends, but I don't know if I'm ready , but then if I leave it to late it may never happen. Confused.

 

All I can say Apathetic is that the first few days are a nightmare you go to sleep eventually whilst thinking about them, and then you wake up ridiculously early after dreaming about them, also I couldn't eat. All I can say is that that does go away.