Phone snooping

[fedup82]

I need some advice or help about how to stop looking in my bf phone. I've found things in the past, and recently, that have made me upset and we've had issues regarding the things I've found that he never told me about such as text messages between him and his guy friend about getting a girls number, even though he claims it was a joke between them about it, and then just text messages with a girl he's friends with from work that he happened to go on a few dates with prior to me and failed to mention he was still hanging out with her while with me. He's stopped doing that part. She has given him things that say "I love you" on it though. But he claims that's a joke too. So my problem is everything I see that offends me is supposedly only a joke and I should just get over it! He says he'd never cheat on me and I'm the one he wants to be with. He loves me, not her. She's just a good friend and their relationship is important to him to keep although she is moving away to be with her boyfriend in a week, but not more important than us. I guess what I'm asking is for some guidance on how to get those negative thoughts out of my head that he is going to do something to me or betray me. How do I know he's not telling her he loves her too or he misses her? He says he doesn't, so I guess I've got to believe him. But how do I avoid wanting to look in his phone or snoop his room to see if I can find something to pin on him? I mean...deep down I think he wouldn't do such things to me. He may eventually if I keep this up though. I know this has to do with me and my insecurities. But how do I get over that? I never did this with my other boyfriends. Only him. When we were together before and now this time, trying again after about 2 years. Why do I only do this with him? It seems because I found such things before, although they shouldn't be a big deal, I worry and think there will be more in there or something else will come out. I know I want to be with him. I want to trust him. I should be able to. it's just me. But how am I suppose to feel when i see he was trying to get his friend at work to get this other girls number? He says its a joke but then why when his friend asked if we broke up, he said "no, what are you talking about? I'm a guy." If he was joking, why did his friend take him seriously? I don't understand. Stuff like that makes me want to look. He says he never really did want her number and still doesn't. It just doesn't make sense to me. We've talked it over and over and over. I'm going to let it go, but there always seems to be something that comes up...mostly because I snoop in his phone. That's wrong to do, but at the same time, if I never saw all these things that I've seen, I'd be the ignorant gf. What if he really wanted her number? I'm sure I'd eventually find that out too(random phone calls he doesn't want to answer...stuff like that). So this issue is obviously about me. If he's going to cheat, he will and then maybe I'll notice something isn't right. Right? I mean he's lied or hid things from me before...he says because he didn't think they were a big deal and didn't want to cause a fight. But I'm the sort of person who would rather hear about it from him first instead of finding out later that he lied.

[Sassy]

No guy should be getting anything from another girl when he is dating someone else. He is being disrespectful to you and joke or not . I wouldn't find it funny at all. How would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot. I don't buy what he is saying something is going on with that. I would snoop if i was suspecting anything with my s/o . Better to know than not know.

[catgirl1927]

If you don't have trust, you really don't have a relationship. If he's doing things that make you suspicious, better to end the relationship than to snoop around. You know in your gut if something is really going on or not. If you really believe that he is cheating, then end it. Otherwise, trust him.

 

I have the same problem you have. I am CONSTANTLY worried that my BF is messing around with someone else. But finally I got to the point where I asked myself, Do you really think that something is going on? and the answer was, No, I'm just really insecure and scared of getting hurt. It's SO HARD to do.

[tikigods]

I have often thought that if you have already started to snoop then you already know in your gut that something isn't right. The girl thing is rather strange, and I would wonder about that.

 

But

 

Trust is the most important part of a relationshiup, if you don't have that, then you don't have anything worth hanging onto, I would suggest dumping this guy, I mean it doesn't sound like he even addresses your concerns besides lauhging it off

[fedup82]

He never got the number from him. once his friend got it, there was a text in there from my bf saying "it's all yours" or something like that. I guess the only part that bothered me about the whole thing was him saying it was okay cause he was a guy. I told him though...well maybe I should start doing these things..."girl things" and see how he likes it. If he can do these things, why can't I? If it bothers him, then he needs to realize why it would bother me. He didn't say anything though. I'm going to trust him, it's just hard for myself with my insecurities not to just let it go and realize he may be telling the truth. that he is just joking around and he would never cheat on me. Yes, he hid from me about his girl friend from work because he says he didn't want me to think it was more than what it was. That's probably the truth...I just want to see otherwise. and that text about the girls number wasnt meant for me to see. well..duh! you're never meant to see those things that they're doing that's dishonest. geez!!! thought that was funny. I guess I'll just have to keep my eyes and ears open and if anything looks suspicious then maybe look into it, otherwise I need to just go for the ride and enjoy our relationship because we haven't been doing that much lately.

[MadDog]

it's just hard for myself with my insecurities not to just let it go and realize he may be telling the truth. that he is just joking around and he would never cheat on me. Yes, he hid from me about his girl friend from work because he says he didn't want me to think it was more than what it was. That's probably the truth...I just want to see otherwise.

 

See how your whole attitude is? By default your boyfriend is probably lying and there's a chance he "may be telling the truth" (but he's still most likely lying.) You also acknowledge that the facts back up what he's saying but you "want to see otherwise." Well if you're always assuming he's lying to you and even when it's obvious he's not you want to think that he's lying and cheating on you, you'll begin to see all sorts of things that aren't really there.

 

The only thing I can suggest for your issue is to see a counselor. I think the chances of someone that insecure becoming secure with themselves and not suspicious of their boyfriend 24/7 is pretty small. In fact I wonder if it ever happens?

 

MD

[Computer]

Hi fedup,

 

To be honest, you really SHOULD be concerned; especially when you have that feeling people get in their gut that something isn't right. That feeling is REALLY strange and probably only comes in you when something you really don't notice vividly about someone occurs. I'd like to think of it as a GUIDE to something. Now I'm not saying something HAS happened because being insecure is enough to diffuse just about anything! But it IS enough for you to wonder about him. I mean, how many guys waste time on a phone playing "fake-girl-number" games, and the such? Alright, maybe I didn't make sense with that one question, so I'll reverse it. Could you see yourself on the phone doing the same thing?

 

When you don't see something clearly in a relationship, try imagining yourself taking a similar approach as your mate did. Some things instantly become clear when using this approach. I'd really hate for you to just settle on an issue such as this one. You could end up falling even harder for him, only to THEN find out the truth - and that when you finally get the opportunity to experience TRUE PAIN!!!

 

______________

"Never give up and don't let it wear out your love."

Backstreet Boys - Weird World

[MadDog]

Hi fedup,

 

To be honest, you really SHOULD be concerned; especially when you have that feeling people get in their gut that something isn't right. That feeling is REALLY strange and probably only comes in you when something you really don't notice vividly about someone occurs.

 

You never heard of paranoia? People who are willing to go through their boyfriend or girlfriend's cell phones are probably prone to being paranoid.

 

MD

[Computer]

You never heard of paranoia? People who are willing to go through their boyfriend or girlfriend's cell phones are probably prone to being paranoid.

 

MD

Yes I have, but personally I think the term "insecure" BETTER explains her. Now I'm not saying it isn't possible that she IS paranoid because it is. And if you ask me, "both" terms seem to coincide as far as her situation is concerned.

 

Fedup, because you've checked his phone and developed concern, it wont be so easy to just let things go to rest. You only developed further curiosity the more you checked on him. The best thing to do is get this all figured out - nothing more than this. If it turns out to be nothing, then "yes" it is the latter posibility. But as far as any relationship is concerned, I feel that we all have right to be concerned; especially if you've been lied to over and over again. The posibilities just become endless over time. I remember getting to the point with my ex where she would say she's going to the mall and I'd be like "yeah right."

 

But either way you look at it, it would be wise to get to the bottom of this ASAP and decide what you want to do with him, and what you want. If he's not honest with you, then by all means opt out.

 

______________

"Never give up and don't let it wear out your love."

Backstreet Boys - Weird World

[fedup82]

Yes...it is a concern because it was about getting another girls number, but the fact of the matter is. he's a guy joking around with a friend through work about something I was never meant to see mainly because I would blow it out of proportion and think there was more to it than what it really is. Yes...it may be disrespectful to me since I ended up seeing it, but it wasn't meant for me. No one would ever find that to be funny if their significant other was joking about that. He also claims he never got the number and his friend hasn't tried to actually give it to him and says if he tried, he wouldn't accept anyways. I have to believe him instead of nit picking at it, causing him to get irritated and then making him feel restricted in the relationship and I don't want that. It seems I'm always trying to find something to accuse him of and it needs to stop. For "computer". I can't say just because you have a gut feeling something isn't right does not mean something isn't right. That feeling has been wrong several times before for me. It's just me being insecure and scared and wanting to have reason for those feelings and I obviously haven't found anything yet. In the end, he can have friends that are girls(previous postings). He had good reason to avoid telling me about her because frankly, it's true. i probably would have thought it was more than what it is. like I ended up doing anyways. And guys are guys. Same as girls are girls. He never got the number. He was just playing around. However, if wierd phone calls start happening, then I'd be concerned, but my bf spends all of his weekends with me, he's busy with work, school, and rugby, and he really does treat me good. I know he loves me and wants to work this out. I do too. I just need to find a way to get over these issues for me. it won't happen over night, but I believe eventually, after a while, he won't have that fear of a fight starting if he tells me something so minor, where he's afraid I'll over react. And eventually I'll start listening to that voice I hear deep down telling me nothing is going on. if it'll happen, it will. Just focus on what you have now and not worrying about what could happen. A friend once told me something that I really need to follow; Just because you're afraid of something happening and you ask that person if that'll happen, even if they tell you no, doesn't mean it won't happen when it happens. Cause you never know what's going to happen. Does that make sense? If something happens, deal with it when it does. Don't sit around waiting for it.

[fedup82]

Also, if they were really serious about getting the number for my bf, his friend would of sent it to him via text right away when he said he got it from her. That'd be stupid for him to want the number outside of the text messages in case of me seeing it, yet not deleting those messages that I saw anyways. ya know? Why didn't he delete it all in case of me seeing it if he really wanted it?

[Guest]

Hi fedup,

 

 

When you don't see something clearly in a relationship, try imagining yourself taking a similar approach as your mate did. Some things instantly become clear when using this approach. I'd really hate for you to just settle on an issue such as this one. You could end up falling even harder for him, only to THEN find out the truth - and that when you finally get the opportunity to experience TRUE PAIN!!!

 

______________

please please please listen to this advice!! i cant stress that enough! in my situation by bf cheated on me and i stayed with him because i wanted to give him a second chance. so MANY months go by and i get this gut feeling something was going on again, so i looked at his text messeges . he a different girl were textin but it was nasty things and when i confronted him he said he and the girl were just jokin. this girl knows about me too but these days that doesnt even seem to matter. the girl sleeps around alot and her and my bf have been friends so when he told me they were jokin, me being stupid believed him because he was tellin me "why would i mess with her when i know how she is , we are just friends, she knows we are together,i love you baby and blah blah blah." i told him to stop textin her becuase it was disrespectful. he said he was sorry and said he would stop and that he understood how i felt. but she was stilll textin him so the same thing went on. i mean the texts in his phone.... i knew they were not jokin but i wanted to believe him. i should have broke up with him the first time.......... now im in love with this guy and i dont want to let him go.. and now i am pregnant for him. NOW IM STUCK!! if u have a gut feeling something isnt right, then most likely something isnt right! let him go before you fall any harder and end up in my situation!!

[fedup82]

First of all, I've known my bf for almost five years. I already love him more than anything. We are now back together. Second of all, he was joking around with his guy friend. He never got the number, I'm not going to pester him about something he says he didn't do and I have no proof. From all the times I've snooped in his phone these past 4 months, I've never seen anything suspicious with text messages between him and any girls. There's his one friend who is moving away and has a bf, but the most I've seen said between them is him telling her he missed her and hoped to see you soon too, but that was before he and I got together officially. I'm not going to end something over a stupid moment he had with a guy. That'd be stupid of me. That makes me look too uptight. I should only be concerned if he was in contact with this girl and if that'd be the case, I'd know he lied and then I'd have reason to end it, but I don't now.

[Guest]

First of all, I've known my bf for almost five years. I already love him more than anything. We are now back together. Second of all, he was joking around with his guy friend. He never got the number, I'm not going to pester him about something he says he didn't do and I have no proof. From all the times I've snooped in his phone these past 4 months, I've never seen anything suspicious with text messages between him and any girls. There's his one friend who is moving away and has a bf, but the most I've seen said between them is him telling her he missed her and hoped to see you soon too, but that was before he and I got together officially. I'm not going to end something over a stupid moment he had with a guy. That'd be stupid of me. That makes me look too uptight. I should only be concerned if he was in contact with this girl and if that'd be the case, I'd know he lied and then I'd have reason to end it, but I don't now.

__________________________________________________________

well didnt mean to upset you but apparently if you were on lhere you wanted advice and it seemed you thought maybe he was lyin or you were a little insecure or you would not have posted a thread in this category. you said the girl said she loved him and all that and u also said he didnt tell you that him and the girl were hangin together.he told u that she was movin away and not to be rude but guys will say anything to cover their butts. ive known my bf for 4 and a half years. i was just givin you a heads up on a different situation and bringing the point up that if you were suspecting something then go with your gut instinct. it seems you may be offended by what i posted earlier which kinda also shows insecurity.as far as the phone number with the guy thing, i wasnt event talkin about that in the comment i wrote earlier, i was talkin bout the girl. seemed you were worried bout that so i gave you insight, there was no reason to get upset at me.

[ehead]

@OP

Wise girl. Don't ever listen to the overly drammatic advice that is sometimes thrown out there by people on relationship forums.

Relationships take some work, and nobody (and certainly no relationship) is perfect.

You probably just suffer from a bit of insecurity. A lot of us do.

Trust is not an absolute 100 percent thing.

You should work on it some. Start by talking to your bf about it.

Everyone has doubts and fears from time to time.

[Chump64]

I'm confused. First you are posting about his suspicious behavior and are looking for advice, and then you are defending his behavior when others offer you advice.

 

If you have doubts, check on him for a set period. Give it a month, or six months, or whatever. Then if you find nothing suspicious, let it go.

 

Any time someone is suspicious, it's worth following your gut. I don't buy the line about "let him go -- you are already in trouble if you don't trust him." You need to KNOW you can trust him. You need to KNOW that he is not screwing you over. Don't assume trust in anyone. There's no harm in checking things out. The last thing you want to do is marry this guy and then find out he has been lying to you for yeras.

 

But like I said, set a reasonable amount of time to snoop, and then let it go -- assuming you don't find anything. Do something simple. Put a cheap voice recorder in his car to catch cell phone conversations. CHeck out his cell phone bills. Go thru his stuff. Yeah, it's crappy, but if it will set your mind at ease, then it's worth it. It may also give you a good lesson about your own insecurities, and you can take that as a pathway to sel improvement. OR, you may find out he's a schmuck and you can quit wasting your time. I wish I'd done it sooner.

 

Good luck.