addictive behaviour

[inertia_creeps]

I stumbled across this site by accident, but i am glad i found it - for selfish reasons really, its good to know that there are other people out there who have the same issues i have, though once i have gotten all this off my chest i would like to hlp others who are in the same boat.

 

Where do i start? Since i was 21 (im now 27) i have been in and out of counselling for various reasons - primarily drinking. In my early twenties i was completely out of control, drinking 4-5 times a week, blacking out, sleeping around and also taking drugs. That being mainly cocaine - the 2 come hand in hand i find. I am one of those people that can completely change when i have had a drink, sometimes im happy and a laugh, other times on a complete mission to self destruct - a few times i have very nearly succeeded. I decided to go into counselling the first time after i did something terrible when i was drunk - it was a real wake up call. During those sessions, although i found it helpful, i look back now and realise i was probably just running rings aound the poor woman in order to make myself feel better and get back out there and get on it again - and thats what happened.

 

The professionals tell me that my behaviour was most likely down to the fact that my father was a drunk and used to hurt my mother, he left when we were very young, but i had a few run ins with him later on in life. They also think it had something to do with the following... and this is strange because i dont really know where to start. When i was 8/9 years old, a friends older sister (14) used to make me do things with her that 8 year olds are not really supposed to do.

 

I wish i was as forgiving for myself, as the counsellors were for me, because im still not sure i buy all that 'your dad wasnt there' and 'you were interfered with' theory (and i dont mean to take anything away from anyone else by saying this) - to me its just so embarrassing and sounded such a cliche that i just thought i was going mental instead.

To this day im not sure if my happenings aged 8 were abuse, Rape, molestation or what it was exactly - sometimes my memory is like a cruel joke - i think i know what happened fully, then it just disappears from my grasp, leaving me confused. I had such a low opinion of myself that im sad to say a few times i even thought i made it up. Guess i have to get used to the fact that for now, my mind has those memories permanently blocked out, maybe one day i will revisit them and put them to bed for good.

 

 

 

Its too long a story to get into on here, purely because there were so many mistakes and silly things i did when i ws drinking so heavily. Drugs and sleeping about were the most stupid things. In the end it all got too much and i decided to put myself into counselling again. I had been getting serious panic attacks that were scaring me, i thought i was losing the plot. This time the counsellor i had saw through my BS and really helped me work through my problems. Not only was she a therapist, she was also a doctor and logically worked through and explained all the things i was experiencing which re-assured me alot.

I had sessions for about 9 months and learned alot about myself in that time - i had also met a girl i really, really liked, and now live with her and her little girl. I wanted to do right by her an clean up my act and get myself straight, and of course for myself too.

One of the things i learned is that i have a seriously addictive personality. This means that i cant really have just one drink - i have to drink until i cant have anymore - the same goes for coke, friends of mine can have a few pinches and space them through the night, me i have to have a ton of it and get completely out of control. There is nothing wrong if you have an addictive personality and its no harmful - for example, i got into fish and reptiles, and have since gone off read several books and researched the topics until i can research no more and know everything about them and keeping them! On the dark side, drinking, drugs and porn also fall into the same cart and i end up hating myself after one of my binges.

Since i met my partner things have massively improved. I only drink once a week now at most, lately however, i have been getting back into old habits and getting out of it again... its not a massive problem - i guess that i am worried it will be if i dont get a grip. This is the thing with counselling - when you are in the s*** - a good counsellor really knows how to get you straight, what i didnt prepare for were the times when the party is over - those weekends where your not drinking, using drugs, they for me are the hardest sometimes - which is why i suspect i have started / fallen back into bad habits.

When i was at my worst i was a complete nervous wreck, and convinced i had caught HIV (i have had a test and it was negative).

 

I will of course reveal more about myself and my situation as i come to post here more often, i just wanted to drop in, add my post.

 

My apologies for such a broken, jumpy post, but i was eager to get alot of it down, reading back on it it sounds kind of crazy.

 

I hope you ll dont mind if i stay a while - id like to.

[blind_otter]

Please do.

 

I feel ya, I'm a recovering addict. The thing I don't get is, knowing that you have this issue, why you even touch alcohol at all? I had to stop completely, I can't even be around it. I know the consequences and I will not allow myself that weakness again.

[inertia_creeps]

I agree.... it is sad. In 2004 i went for 7 months without touching a drop and although it was a quiet time, i lost weight, was sharper when i was playing football (soccer to you guys) and felt healthier.

 

In London where i live, there is a huge problem with the drink and drug culture. everyone i know is doing one or the other - though i doubt anyone seriously thinks its a problem.

 

The trouble is, that im battling addiction on several fronts, its not just booze, drugs, its general addictive behaviour - eating is another good one..

 

I just feel so feeble and embarrassed by all this!

[blind_otter]

I live in FL, land of cocaine. It's so cheap here it's ridiculous. My dealer actually let me give him whatever cash I had on hand, even if I only had like $5.

 

Are there any programs like AA in the UK?

 

Also -- I basically stopped hanging out with anyone who drinks or does drugs, and those friends I do keep know how serious my problem is, and they don't drink around me.

 

You really have to re-structure your whole lifestyle, not just stop using.

[inertia_creeps]

i really agree with you there... i think its realy hard because there is literally so much of it everywhere, a few close friends deal it. I feel like ai made this really concerted effort to change my life, got 70% of the way there, then just stopped.

 

Thanks for responding to me, i appreciate it.

[blind_otter]

no problem, i know exactly how you feel. i only quit drinking/drugging around new years.

 

I really had to cut everyone off. I just stopped taking calls. I'm thinking about changing my number. Close friends or not, you can't be around them or even talk to them unless they, too are sober. At least right now.

 

I think you stopped because it's hard to go all the way and really do what you need to do.

[inertia_creeps]

Again - you are probably right.... not just that, but there is so much fear - fear of dealing with your real self, fear of being boring....

 

Then you get the questions all the time, why arent you doing this, why are you not doing that?

 

Its very, very hard to be open with a bunch of friends like mine - whatever you say, whetever your issue is, it could be screwed up into a tiny little ball and bunced about for everyone to freely discuss or laugh at. It sounds true - but its happened to me before..

[lilah]

 

One of the things i learned is that i have a seriously addictive personality. This means that i cant really have just one drink - i have to drink until i cant have anymore .......

 

Since i met my partner things have massively improved. I only drink once a week now at most

 

You have just admitted that you can't have just one, you can't stop. Then you go on to say that you are still drinking once a week now. Don't you see that you are contradicting your own advice? You cannot control alcohol or drugs, they control you. If you think you can stop at just one you are fooling yourself. There is a saying about 'the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step'. Every time you have that first drink, you are taking the first step. Stick with the counceling or get a better councelor if your current one isn't working for you, change who you hang out with, stop using, find a support group like A.A. that will help keep you on course. It's tough to stop using, it takes a conscious decision on your part and it's not enough just to want it, you have to take the steps necessary to succeed at sobriety. No one can make that choice for you and you cannot do it for anyone except yourself.

[inertia_creeps]

absolutely agree with you - however - so much easier to give advice sometimes than to take it on board.

[blind_otter]

absolutely agree with you - however - so much easier to give advice sometimes than to take it on board.

 

There's an element of masochism here, you know. You know what you need to do yet you seem to not want to do it?

Then you get the questions all the time, why arent you doing this, why are you not doing that?

 

Its very, very hard to be open with a bunch of friends like mine - whatever you say, whetever your issue is, it could be screwed up into a tiny little ball and bunced about for everyone to freely discuss or laugh at. It sounds true - but its happened to me before..

 

What I've learned, in the last 4 months, is that if they are not supportive of your journey towards sobriety, they are not your friends. Period. End of story. It's hard to admit that you let alcohol and drugs control your life to the point that it selected what people you kept around, but it happens.

 

Easier said than done is an excuse only if you are making the steps to do what needs to be done. Tiny fractional progress is better than treading water.

[Art_Critic]

You have to give it up for good and for all..

 

You have to remember that you have a disease that tells you that it is okay to drink/drug and continue the behavior.

 

It is a system of denial.

 

Once you realize that then you can take the first step and Admit to Yourself that you are powerless over Alcohol and Drugs.

[Ladywithafan]

I live in FL, land of cocaine. It's so cheap here it's ridiculous. My dealer actually let me give him whatever cash I had on hand, even if I only had like $5.

 

Are there any programs like AA in the UK?

 

Also -- I basically stopped hanging out with anyone who drinks or does drugs, and those friends I do keep know how serious my problem is, and they don't drink around me.

 

You really have to re-structure your whole lifestyle, not just stop using.

 

 

...You can not buy weed from the dealers if they know you do powder or crack....and they will front you until your bill is horrendous....

 

 

My boyfriend has agreed to see an addictions specialist due to his inability to stop smoking crack....After I was divorced, in 2005, we met, and probably went through a good $300K of crack....I found through narcotics anonymous, First Step...that I was not an addict to the drug, but to my boyfriend. He, on the other hand seems to be the "addicted personality" type. He "loves" to get high...I could take it or leave it...if it's there maybe I'd smoke it, maybe not...I'd rather shop....and it is so hard for a person who's experimented with a number of substances, just to see what it was about, paired up with a person who just goes until the money's gone or the body crashes...usually about 3 days (on the body)...

[Ladywithafan]

...You can not buy weed from the dealers if they know you do powder or crack....and they will front you until your bill is horrendous....

 

 

My boyfriend has agreed to see an addictions specialist due to his inability to stop smoking crack....After I was divorced, in 2005, we met, and probably went through a good $300K of crack....I found through narcotics anonymous, First Step...that I was not an addict to the drug, but to my boyfriend. He, on the other hand seems to be the "addicted personality" type. He "loves" to get high...I could take it or leave it...if it's there maybe I'd smoke it, maybe not...I'd rather shop....and it is so hard for a person who's experimented with a number of substances, just to see what it was about, paired up with a person who just goes until the money's gone or the body crashes...usually about 3 days (on the body)...

 

 

I was divorced in 2000....and smoked lovely as they say...until everything went down hill according to the crack timeline...

[blind_otter]

...You can not buy weed from the dealers if they know you do powder or crack....and they will front you until your bill is horrendous....

 

 

I won't argue with you, but this was never the case for me. I kept my dealers all separate and never took fronts, even if they were offered. I had to beg my father for money to pay off guys one time, when I was 20, because they were threatening to break my fingers. After that, I never took fronts again. I always found a way to have my cash on hand, so I was every dealer's favorite customer.