To CATGURLS, MS. PIXIE, BECOMING, and MICHAELANGELO!!

[ConfusedGal]

All of you who have given me advice and read my thread on my mom's psychotic episode friday... Hubby's work has told him he can take some time and just start later on regarding the promotion in the other state if he is still interested... The one we turned down cause we decided to stay. OK you read about Mom's psychotic episode on Friday. Again, the chance. STAY or GET OUT? Do you think hubby and I can succeed in placating or ignoring or should we GET OUT if we have the option again regardless of my job consequences??

[Kenyth]

I know you didn't ask me specifically, but I remember your post. The bad thing here is that, IMHO, this is a decision you and your husband will have to make together. None of us here are qualified to make that kind of life altering decision for you, nor should we be. You are presented with two choices, each has it's pro's and con's, neither is ideal. You and your husband are the two most qualified people on the earth right now to make the decision of what's best for you. I sympathize with you on how difficult these kinds of decisions are. I've had a few hard choices myself. Just rest assured that you are both successful, capable people who will make it in life whichever path you choose. Choosing one or the other will not mean impending doom for you. Good luck and god bless.

[catgirl1927]

Girl, I think you should go. I really, really do. I know how important family is, and you want to do the right thing and not "abandon" anyone, but I think she is too controlling and will never let you be happy.

 

PS. This is my first thread with my name in the title. I'm kinda jazzed about it.

[ConfusedGal]

Catgirl, have you had any experience like this?

[catgirl1927]

Catgirl, have you had any experience like this?

 

I haven't spoken to my mother in 15 years. She used to call me at college, keep me on the phone til she made me cry and then hang up. Two years later she talked my father into pulling me out of college so I could babysit my brother and sister, drive them to school and clean the house and cook and everything. Basically, she wanted a full time live-in housekeeper. Not to mention that the first time she called me a slut I was seven years old, and my father was horribly physically abusive. I left and am stronger and much better off now.

[ConfusedGal]

Its funny how the issue of moving/not moving keeps coming up. I just need to think of how I can make my HUSBAND happy. He is the most wonderful man in the world to tolerate me and tolerate all of these issues, and still give me options. I broke down last night. I was SO strong on Friday when this episode happened. And Sat and Sunday...I was trying to be strong and say, its ok. She is crazy. We need to deal with her like she is crazy. And then yesterday, I broke down... And just cried and cried and cried...Cried that I couldnt accept that she was nuts and accept that we could NEVER have a normal relationship...Accept that I would have to fake it with her. Called her yesterday to wish her for an Indian festival and she sounded all miserable and Dad was like "Your mom is the greatest in the world!! She is just SOOO wonderful!" like he is programmed to do... The whole thing made me break down emotionally. In turn, my husband broke down...which is VERY rare. He said, "You always think about YOU! Do you know how your crying all the time about this stuff affects ME?? Have you ever thought of that??" and I felt awful... No, I did not think of him... I did...but I have developed the inability to function as a good wife cause of this crap weighing down on me... So the question is, can I collect myself and get therapy and learn how to deal, or should I take the plunge and go, even if it means risking my career. Decisions like this should not even exist! I tell you. Its been a horrible few weeks for me and my husband...

[catgirl1927]

It sounds like both of you are miserable because of her. I still say go, save yourselves and your marriage. You are both lucky to be with someone who loves you so much, go start your own lives. Your career will be fine, it will all work out.

[michelangelo]

In that the solution, the best solution is one you arrive at with your husband that takes in consideration both your happiness, your ability to deal with a mentally ill mother, and yor own mental health.

 

All that being said, think moving can be the way to go. Much easier to control your answering machine moments than in person interactions.

 

If your mom is literally having psychotic episodes, then she needs psychiatric intervention.

 

If you are so agitated about this that you are on edge, please get some help for yourself too. The services of a professional mental health provider such as a psychiatrist or a psychologist will do you far more good than any of us can do.

[ConfusedGal]

I spoke on the phone with a therapist today...The therapist didnt have an appointment until next Tuesday so I at least got a chance to talk to her on the phone. She told me my mom sounds like she has PTSD from the fact that she was physically abused by my Dad in the past and thus has serious abandonment issues. She spoke with me very quickly and told me, yeah arguing with your mother does NO good...It will only increase her feeling of abandonment... You literally need to treat her like a mentally ill child. You need to keep empathizing with her and just be like "I know everything is hard for you." And the therapist said, well, it will be very difficult road for you, but thats what you need to do... Anyways, that was my brief conversation with the therapist. I am seeing her in person next week... Meanwhile, I need to figure out the other stuff with my husband...

[Mz. Pixie]

If I went I would make sure to let her know I wouldn't be hooked up to the phone with her 24/7. The only way it's going to do you any good to move is to get away from the drama, that will mean not talking to her by phone all the time.

[blind_otter]

I know my name isn't in the thread title, but I have some experience dealing with a mother with a mental illness. My mom is bipolar (personally I think she has PTSD, too) -- she's a lot better now that she finally takes medication, but I literally had to go into a power struggle and lock horns with her before she broke down. We didn't speak for a year when I was in college. She said I was dead to her. When I was growing up she was physically abusive and would rage, then fall into depressions where she wouldn't speak, eat, move or talk....just lay in bed staring at the TV flickering, not even changing the channel.

 

When I wouldn't give in and speak to her or beg for her forgiveness, I guess she decided to get help. To this day, though, her warped thought patterns and the f***ed up relationship dynamic in my family is frustrating. I distanced myself from it, emotionally, and physically. I live in the same town, but I rarely see her.

 

Just the other day (there's a thread in the family section) I had lunch with her. She said she wrote me out of the will, and I was calm as could be. I choose not to respond when she acts out and tries to get a rise out of me. This infuriates her, but I WILL NOT pander to her, or allow her to hurt me any more. It's my boundary, I enforce it.

 

I think it's a mistake to baby her or pander to her. Yes, she is mentally ill -- but you should not sacrifice your own mental health and wellbeing just to cater to her illness. That's the thing about mental illness -- you can be too understanding, especially with this type of relationship dynamic, and end up sacrificing yourself.

 

Lindya recommended to me that I read up about Object Relations Theory, which has been quite interesting. I have a psych degree, so the terminology isn't confusing to me, but the theory discusses the mother-child relationship as the primary relationship from which the child learns how to relate to themselves, and to others.

 

With mentally unstable mothers, they often try to elicit certain behaviors (especially care-taking behaviors) from their children, seeking inappropriate emotional fulfillment from their children (who are as yet undeveloped, and unable to understand exactly what the mother wants)....very often the mother will supress or subsume the normal developmental process in order to keep the child at an emotionally infantile level, to create this sick feedback loop of dependency between the two.

 

It's a sick process. It will drain you. You have to separate yourself from this feedback loop. It doesn't mean you love her less, just that you need to establish better boundaries with her. Or you will end up broken down from all this stress.

[ConfusedGal]

Thanks. I have finally calmed down and am thinking sensibly right now. I do think we made the right decision to stay for now...Reason, if I didnt have a job, I would be stuck here for an indefinite period of time alone, which my husband was half way across the country. I couldnt just leave my job cause we need the money. So basically I would be stuck here alone both looking for a job AND dealing with mom...Now that I think about it, I couldnt do that alone... I need him now more than ever....

 

SO this is the plan. I have a firm out there that is interested in me. They will be conducting a second interview with me via video conference. This way, if I get the offer and its a GOOD one comparable to what I have, my husband can ask his company if the position there is still open for him. If it is, GREAT. All objectives met. We go but we go TOGETHER and with no detriments to our careers and our financial base. If we dont go, well, we dont and it was not meant to be... So I do think this may work! Lets see..Either way, at least we are together to support each other...

 

SPeaking with the therapist yesterday just confirmed what I thought. She told me "Just treat her like a kid. This doesnt mean going over when she tells you to come over...It means you saying, I know I havent come over. I know thats hard for you. I am sorry, but life has been too busy..." Basically empathizing with her but still doing what I want...Dont know how well it will work, but we at least want to try. I dont want to make SUCH rash decisions in our lives, that my husband and I regret it later... So must proceed slowly and sensibly in all respects...I am thinking a bit straight right now...All of my crying calmed me down ultimately...

[whats wrong with me]

Ahh, now I know why I can relate to all you guys so well, OUR MOTHERS ARE NUTS!!

[ConfusedGal]

Lol, yours too??

[whats wrong with me]

I wonder how many of us are gonna be crazy ? I go to the shrink every so often to make sure I'm not!!!

[ConfusedGal]

I cant believe its been a week since her "episode". I am trying to forget about it. To some extent its working... Yeah, amazing how much of a good or negative effect our moms can have on us...

[whats wrong with me]

hey confused gal...I moved 800 miles away from my mom, changed my phone num. and she still found me! I can relate!!! I hope you dont go crazy!!!

[ConfusedGal]

So I guess moving didnt help you much...

[whats wrong with me]

no, and I didn't tell her I was moving I just picked up and left....my mother got wind of where I moved to (through a family member) and sent the police to my house

[ConfusedGal]

What happened with your mom? WHats your story?

[whats wrong with me]

my mom has papers.

 

None of us realized she was crazy until my parents got a divorce. Now looking back I realize that she was always "off" I just didn't realize it cause I figured everybodys mom was like that.

 

She lost it. when I was 14 on friday night she would let me have a party ( with beer) on Saturday night I was grounded cause I didn't mow the lawn. When I was 16 she started hearing voices. She called the police on me constantly ...for god knows what, I think she slept with a couple of my boyfriends.

 

She's medicated now. but she still is nuts. A few years ago when I left my H , they became best friends (that helped me alot...geez he knew exactly where to find me!). I haven't spoke with her for over 2 years...but thats only because I'm a hermit and nobody (family or frields) knows where I am.

 

I dont know if she is the reason I'm how I am.... but I've researched her "sickness" and it is hereditary. I'm sure her being a nut didn't help me any . How about yours?

[ConfusedGal]

For those who have been following my story, wanna hear the worst part? After us turning down the offer (my husband's offer) cause of my job situation, I suddenly got a call from a huge Minneapolis law firm that wants to interview me.. But he has turned down the job there, so now its too late!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH! BAD TIMING BAD TIMING BAD TIMING!

[Mz. Pixie]

Oh gosh, I'm sorry

[ConfusedGal]

Yup. Bad timing. :-( Life sux. There are like 2 big law firms in Minneapolis (where I would be moving) and the rest are small and medium, which would pay a LOT less than what I am making now. What are the odds that one of the 2 big ones would call me? Argh