Questions on separation

[Guest]

First let me apologize for the long first post!

My husband and I will be married 25 years this year. He is an alocholic. Not a fall down drunk, but an alcoholic that would take money out of my purse, take checks and not tell me until I found out weeks later and still deny it, sneak drinking and "hide" his beer cans, deny it until once again I found them. He has made numerous "promises" over the past several years, that he would stop drinking, and actually told me he did....I believed him reluctantly, UNTIL I went to his job and found him standing there holding a beer can! He started AA., but after about two weeks told him I needed us to separate to see what we each wanted/needed. He apparently thought this was a temporary thing, I "needed space"....It's been a month now. He calls telling me he loves me and misses me and that he's going to AA religiously. He also "popped in" the other day at the house! I am struggling with things as I guess I love him, But don't feel I am in love with him any more. I feel as if my feelings have "numbed", I feel NOTHING! I have been "getting on with my life, reading, going to counseling, alanon..etc...He feels people are "putting things in my head". And actually Resents my newfound independence. I seriously do NOT trust him at all, and do NOT know if I could ever forgive him for all the hurt he's put me through over the years. And I have told him this.

My questions :

1. When you separate, is it a good idea to talk on the phone or is it best to "keep away from each other as you work on your feelings"?

2. What is a general time frame people stay separated? I get the impression "I'm taking too long"

3. Has any one else experience what I am as far as an alocholic spouse who goes to AA and thinks everything with "majically" be fine?

4. Has any one experience the "Numbness" I'm feeling right now as far as my feelings?

I am so confused and would so desparately appreciate ANY help/guidance, and I thank all who respond in advance!

[suegail]

I would think the 'numb' emotional response you describe is just because you finally do see him in a truer light - I'm sure you were hanging on to his promises for many years, and you finally see that he is incapable of being honest with you...and it's probably not that he doesn't want to do better than he is, but alcoholics will lie or do what they have to in order to get that next drink. It's a terrible problem and they often just ruin relationship after relationship and burn bridges because they just are on a downward spin.

 

It's not that I think you shouldn't talk to him, but I would always let him know in no uncertain terms that he has a long way to go in order to prove to you he can ever stay sober, and that you will not accept him on any other terms. I wouldn't listen to promises which mean nothing in the long run, but you know, it wouldn't be a bad idea to attend open AA meetings with him, and in fact if you expect that in the future, there may be a future for you two, I would say it would be a very good thing to do. I know about this because I used to attend open AA meetings with a family member who is now a recovering alcoholic many years running. It can happen but they have to get into the program and get a sponsor and have these resources and tools so that they know where to turn when they want to drink.

 

As to your question of the amount of time of separation...I will say again, he needs to be in recovery, not falling off the wagon every month or so...however long that takes before you can actually see that he's more stable than he is now - and with the history you've described it doesnt' sound to me as if he's even nearing that point - he's telling you what you want to hear...that's just not good enough, I would say.

[dgiirl]

1. When you separate, is it a good idea to talk on the phone or is it best to "keep away from each other as you work on your feelings"?

 

I dont think there's a right or wrong on this and each case is different and thus brings a different outcome. If you dont want a divorce, well, then you're going to need to talk things out with him. Separation can give you guys enough space to reflect on your own feelings, unfortunately, it causes a lot of distance between the couple that reconcilation is very difficult (not impossible). What is it that you want?

 

2. What is a general time frame people stay separated? I get the impression "I'm taking too long"

 

What ever you feel comfortable with. There is no time frame. But the longer you guys are separated, the more resentment is built, the more distance is created, the harder the reconcilation. But if you need space, AND you are really using that space to reflect on the marriage and not going out and seeing other guys, then your husband should give you all the time in the world. But if you are just using this time to see if the grass is greener on the other side, then leave altogether. Dont use your husband.

 

4. Has any one experience the "Numbness" I'm feeling right now as far as my feelings?

I am so confused and would so desparately appreciate ANY help/guidance, and I thank all who respond in advance!

 

Are you going to counselling? I think it can help you a lot.

[Guest]

I would think the 'numb' emotional response you describe is just because you finally do see him in a truer light - I'm sure you were hanging on to his promises for many years, and you finally see that he is incapable of being honest with you...and it's probably not that he doesn't want to do better than he is, but alcoholics will lie or do what they have to in order to get that next drink. It's a terrible problem and they often just ruin relationship after relationship and burn bridges because they just are on a downward spin.

 

It's not that I think you shouldn't talk to him, but I would always let him know in no uncertain terms that he has a long way to go in order to prove to you he can ever stay sober, and that you will not accept him on any other terms. I wouldn't listen to promises which mean nothing in the long run, but you know, it wouldn't be a bad idea to attend open AA meetings with him, and in fact if you expect that in the future, there may be a future for you two, I would say it would be a very good thing to do. I know about this because I used to attend open AA meetings with a family member who is now a recovering alcoholic many years running. It can happen but they have to get into the program and get a sponsor and have these resources and tools so that they know where to turn when they want to drink.

 

As to your question of the amount of time of separation...I will say again, he needs to be in recovery, not falling off the wagon every month or so...however long that takes before you can actually see that he's more stable than he is now - and with the history you've described it doesnt' sound to me as if he's even nearing that point - he's telling you what you want to hear...that's just not good enough, I would say.

 

I don't think my Husband "gets" that we are separated and what it means!....I am staying at the house with our two teenagers, and he's at his mothers house. But he calls telling me he misses me and wants to come home(it's been a month). I keep telling him I need time to figure things out. Then, besides taking the kids every other weekend to his mother's with him, he also comes over one day during the week after he gets off work as I'm working in the evening. The original plan was on that evening he would pick up the kids and take them out for fast food and bring them home. However, the past two weeks, he has come to the house and COOKED dinner at the house! Even though I have told him we had the agreement when he left that he would not come to the house when I wasn't home! Am I wrong to think he shouldn't come to the house? The reason I initially said it was because when he was here, I had money, and checks missing. Told him if he wasn't here and things went missing I couldn't blame it on him! But now, I just feel like it's an invasion of my privacy. He has talked to me about books I've been reading......(which were on my bedroom dresser). Feel like he may go through things, or worse refuse to go home and I'll come home from work one night and He'll be here! I guess I don't have anything to stand on here as we're not "legally" separated, as that is NOT in our state, but it was an agreement before he left. And then this past weekend, one day he left me flowers and a note when he picked up the kids, and then when he brought them back he left a gift. I know he's trying to make a nice gesture, but I don't need his gifts right now. I need time to figure things out. And actually the gifts make things worse for me! Any advice?