Being accused of cheating!

[BeingAccused]

I am 18 and my husband is 31. We got married when I was 17 and he was 29, i was 3 months pregnant. My husband was with his ex for ten years and she was cheating on him almost 5 of those years. Now, he is always accusing me of cheating. The moment he comes home from work he checks the caller ID on the phone. If there is a number he doesnt regognize he calls it to make sure its not some guy I have been talking to. He even set up recorders in the house, and of course the only thing on there was a screaming baby. But he still accuses me of it.

 

I have never and never will cheat on him. He has even accused me of sleeping with my sister and her boyfriend! It makes me feel so disgusting that he would think that. I have a three month old and another on the way. i have no family, no job and no money. I love him, when he isnt being like that, but he seems like now that is all he does. I think he is doing drugs again also. I know his ex hurt him and I know he has a hard time trusting anyone, but it hurts me and i dont know what to do. It gets to the point where he will call me an idiot, because he knows the guy I am sleeping with. Which is a lie, cause I dont even talk to any guys, for the reason of him accusing. I am so confused. I know he is a good guy, he just wont let me in. We have tried counseling, but that hasnt helped. Anyone with advice, please help me! Please! I am so lost!

[JamesM]

First, you say you have tried counseling...try again.

 

However, you are young as compared to him. I do not know what led you together, or the details of his divorce except that he says she was cheating on him. This will of course make him mistrustful. He may question why an 18 yr old would be with a 31 yr old. I see you were pregnant when married...I am assuming he is the father. Did/do your parents approve?

 

I am afraid that a different counselor may be in order. Others here may have some experiences that can help you.

[carmaenforcer]

Yeah, I think I can help even though I am the guy in the relationship.

My Wife is 21 and I am 36, very similar to the age gap in your relationship. I don't do drugs anymore, but I did at one time and know how this might affect an otherwise rational person. I was cheated on before as well and a person that does not want to be hurt again may try to overly control their environment with the thought that if they can control things then maybe things that they don't want to happen, wont. But the truth is that anything can happen anytime no matter how hard you try to control it.

 

First off, don't listen to people that will try to be negative towards your relationship. Those that don't understand sometimes have strong opinions based on their own convictions, fears and hang ups.

 

I might seem bias about the older man being with a younger woman so I won't talk about that too much unless someone wants to.

I do have experience with the insecurities that come from being lied to and cheated on though.

 

My Wife cheated on me with her ex-boy friend when we were first dating.

Years before that, I don't know if I was actually cheated on, but my ex-Wife started being shady after she got a new job at a trucking distribution firm where she worked around a lot of guys. What I mean by she was being shady is that she started having to work later and later and soon after wanted a divorce. Later I find out that she got together with a guy that worked in the same office with her. She later told me that she didn't want to marry this guy but she felt like she owed it to him because he had been there for her when we were having problems. This told me that she had been talking with this guy while we were still together, possibly getting together with him after work hours to "talk", explaining the late nights.

 

Anyway, due to what I had gone through in my past I was and still am to a certain extent, very cautious and suspicious about things that remind me of stuff that hurt me in the past.

My Wife has been great since her indiscretion, but I still found myself examining every little thing that went on for signs of shadiness. She also, like my ex-Wife, got a job at a place where she worked with a bunch of guys. When the day came that she had to stay a little later than her normal schedule, I freaked out inside. I thought, "Oh no, here we go again". She doesn't know about my past experience with my ex-Wife and her working with a bunch of guys and the staying late at "work" but she was considerate and made things easier for my none the less. We car pool together and so when she has to stay late I usually find out when I go to pick her up. Well, knowing that I am insecure about her working environment, she started inviting me in to the office to hang with her for the extra 1/2 hour to hour that she had to stay over. Just the fact that she offered was enough to show me that she had nothing to hide and since I do want to be able to trust her I simply thanked her but offered to just wait for her in the car or go run some errands until she gets off.

 

You seem to be like my Wife in that you are understanding and patient and just want to do what ever to make your man comfortable in the relationship. That's a great thing, but know that he does have to work on the trust thing as well, or else he will forever have that fear of the unknown and never be truly happy. The sad part of this is that he will never listen to you because in his mind you might just be telling him what he needs to hear to hide your lies. He has to want to trust you and know that he will never be truly happy until he can acknowledge that he has a good woman and nothing to worry about.

 

I don't know you or your Husband but be careful that he is not trying to keep you pregnant to keep you honest. That's a common action for an insecure man. I am all about happiness, so if you want a large family and it's something that works for you, hey by all means, keep poppin them out. But both of you should know that he has to address his issue as soon as possible for the health of your relationship. The drug use needs to stop, at least for until this other issue is behind you both. Drugs cloud judgement and some make you more paranoid and are counter productive in achieving the peace and security you both need. Be the good woman he needs and keep showing him with your actions that he has nothing to worry about, but also sit with him and talk about the problem(s) at hand. The fact that you know he has reason to be cautious but that you also need to be given the credit you've earned and that he needs to chill on the drug use, if not forever at least until you get this main problem under control.

 

I wish you the best of luck in your relationship and please know that you have people to talk to here and you are not alone. Be strong for him and for what you need as well.