Inconsiderate..... losing my cool.

[a4a]

Well last thread was about the H refusing to sell the house. That was just a shockwave before the eruption!

 

I have determined that he is just inconsiderate and selfish. Bottom line, nothing else, no childhood drama......just a selfish ass.

 

I have asked him to help me (notice not told to do, but to help) switch out our headboard in our MB for at least 8 weeks. Is it done?..........NOOOOOOO!

 

If I do this myself it would mean possible floor or wall damage if I drop it/ them while moving them. Both are quite heavy one is wrought iron.

 

I have nicely asked, mentioned it...... wtf is his problem? He claims he does not have time to do so...... well sat around for an hour last night watching the tube. It would only take a 1/2 hour to do this task with me max!

 

This is typical behavior now. Claims no time.......or forgot about such matters.

 

Getting fed up with this crap. I do nice things for him probably too often.

 

Is this a lack of respect or just plain inconsideration on his part?

[Art_Critic]

Maybe it is time for a come to jesus meeting.

 

You women are so famous for the "Talk".. why not sit him down and have one ?

[Touche]

I don't know if it's lack of respect or inconsideration. Could be it's just not on his mind. I'd stop doing so many things for him. I really would. Maybe that's immature but that's what I'd do. He may notice and it will make him think. But then again, he may NOT notice.

 

Hey, I know. Why don't you call your ex over to help you? Ha! Ha! Tell him you're thinking of doing that. Bet he'll hop to it then!

[bab]

Or tell him you are gonna pay someone to do it.

[a4a]

Maybe it is time for a come to jesus meeting.

 

You women are so famous for the "Talk".. why not sit him down and have one ?

 

 

Holy Shyt Art my lips are going to fall off if I talk any more to him. I try the discussion approach..........NADA, then the I know it is not probably important to you but it is to me approach........NADA, then I finally reach this point.

 

My great fear is that he is going to push me to the point where I say.......

F- you. He is getting close. I have told him this as well.

 

I am highly aggitated thus:

I did finally blow up over horse manure last night: One of his best friends neighbors asked for some, it is an hour drive to get there. Said to my H : "if I am not home just unload it by the garden"........ WTF!? Kiss my ass! My H considered this and told him he could unload it. I went on a 15 minute rampage about how it is my horse shyt and not one piece of it will go to this person because of their inconsideration..... this is not a friend of ours! No offer of cash ect...... H defended the guy.... I put my foot down and claimed my horse shyt! It will not go unless I approve. My horses, my hay and feed = my shyt! !! That is how pissed I am. It is not leveling off at all, I am so angry I am claiming my horse shyt!

 

And no this is not PM (F_ING) S..... it is a clear case of a full blown PATH......

Pissed At The Husband, and for good reason.

[quankanne]

I dunno ... you're obviously in a less than satisfactory relationship with this guy, based on the posts you've shared with us, so maybe it's time to cut your losses. You'd definitely be less frustrated about things because he wouldn't be around to irritate you.

 

just a thought ...

[a4a]

I don't know if it's lack of respect or inconsideration. Could be it's just not on his mind. I'd stop doing so many things for him. I really would. Maybe that's immature but that's what I'd do. He may notice and it will make him think. But then again, he may NOT notice.

 

Hey, I know. Why don't you call your ex over to help you? Ha! Ha! Tell him you're thinking of doing that. Bet he'll hop to it then!

 

Touche,

 

I am going to do that! Also have the X help me hold the foals so I can get their hooves cleaned up, and help me out with some new photos for the website. I think I will. We are on good terms and I have never been ignored by the X like I am now. I think I will offer a nice lunch out in exchange for the help. I wonder what my H will say when the X pulls up in the drive on Sat morn....... hummmm. I will be sure to make the call to the X tonight in front of my H. We often have to speak about business at least once every two weeks so not unusual to talk right in front of him, nothing to hide..... and my H likes the idea of me having extra money coming in so cannot protest it.

 

Great idea...... most helpful!

 

a4a- time to plow the back forty.

[a4a]

I dunno ... you're obviously in a less than satisfactory relationship with this guy, based on the posts you've shared with us, so maybe it's time to cut your losses. You'd definitely be less frustrated about things because he wouldn't be around to irritate you.

 

just a thought ...

 

yeppers my thought is this as well....... He will not go to MC. So what can I do but either shut up and deal with it or leave. I can do all these things I want on my own but without the obligations to him.

 

Of course he does not beat me, do drugs or excessive drinking, or cheat but I do not think that is grounds to stay married either.

 

I am so pissed I am spitting nails right now. I cannot seem to calm down. This is so weird to me. I so just feel like calling him and telling him you are a F-ing a**h*** and don't bother to come home tonight. Not mature but most satisfying at this point.

 

Maybe Moose needs to chat with him!

My H has it made with me.

[whichwayisup]

Do you have friends and family close by? If so, ask them to come over and do this chore with you. Don't discuss it with your husband, just do it. If he gets pissed off then you say to him, WELL I ASKED YOU TO HELP and you said you were too busy, so I took care of it myself because it needed to be done.

 

I'm sorry that you're in a bad mood.

[kitten chick]

Please don't beat the heck out of me for this. While I agree, he's neglecting you, I also think that your lifestyle requires a tremendous amount of work. If he's not dedicated to the same causes you are then he's not going to be driven to do the work to get to that goal.

 

I also don't think it's unreasonable to ask for an hour to unwind at the end of the day. Sometimes when high intensity people get together with low intensity people they have to accept that they will be doing more of the work. While you may be go go go from morning to night, he might need some down time. I understand your frustration, I couldn't even get my ex to help me change a lightbulb at my place and he was almost a foot and a half taller than me. While it would have been nice of him to do so since it would have taken him 10 seconds while I had to shlep out the ladder, the reality is that it was my responsibility, it was something I needed done not something he needed done. It's not particularly nice or caring but it's also not unfair.

[a4a]

Do you have friends and family close by? If so, ask them to come over and do this chore with you. Don't discuss it with your husband, just do it. If he gets pissed off then you say to him, WELL I ASKED YOU TO HELP and you said you were too busy, so I took care of it myself because it needed to be done.

 

I'm sorry that you're in a bad mood.

 

My friends all live at least an hour away. My family and I do not speak 10+ years, his family is 800+ miles away. Friends of ours are too busy with kids to make a day of helping out.

 

I really am pondering calling him and telling him to just stay over his friends house tonight. I cannot seem to cool off........ this is very out of the norm for me, usually I can joke or just throw some logic in to cool off. I am wondering if he is actually pressuring me to get me pissed?

 

I got an appt. so have to change my attitude pretty quick here.....cannot allow this crap to get in the way of my work.

[whichwayisup]

I think YOU should go out tonight on your own. Treat yourself to a real nice dinner somewhere. Call your husband and just say you need some alone time.

 

Yeah, maybe getting outside for a walk, get some air will help your mood improve. Try to keep busy and hopefully you'll feel better as the day moves along.

[a4a]

Please don't beat the heck out of me for this. While I agree, he's neglecting you, I also think that your lifestyle requires a tremendous amount of work. If he's not dedicated to the same causes you are then he's not going to be driven to do the work to get to that goal.

 

I also don't think it's unreasonable to ask for an hour to unwind at the end of the day. Sometimes when high intensity people get together with low intensity people they have to accept that they will be doing more of the work. While you may be go go go from morning to night, he might need some down time. I understand your frustration, I couldn't even get my ex to help me change a lightbulb at my place and he was almost a foot and a half taller than me. While it would have been nice of him to do so since it would have taken him 10 seconds while I had to shlep out the ladder, the reality is that it was my responsibility, it was something I needed done not something he needed done. It's not particularly nice or caring but it's also not unfair.

 

yes it does require lots of work, but he claimed he was up for it. Begged me to move in with him, then marriage.

 

I carried his ass financially for 3 months. I still am partially. He can find the

time to do what he wants. I find the time to do what he needs done like rototilling a huge ass garden so he can play in it all summer. I find the time to do his laundry, clean up after him, buy him his clothing, go to the bank for him. So fair is fair. We live in the same house....... so both of our responsibilities to take care of matters. I am getting ready to put a new roof on. Guess who will be up there doing it...... ME! But he can find the time to play with wood in the shop. Make some sort of decorative water pump thing just because he felt like trying it.

[justagirliegirl]

Is he passive aggressive or lazy.

 

I don't think it helps to keep talking to me, they just tune it out.

 

Maybe you could hire a man to help with the things around the house.

[a4a]

I think YOU should go out tonight on your own. Treat yourself to a real nice dinner somewhere. Call your husband and just say you need some alone time.

 

Yeah, maybe getting outside for a walk, get some air will help your mood improve. Try to keep busy and hopefully you'll feel better as the day moves along.

 

 

Thanks WW,

I think you are right. I cannot leave here though because I would have to find a quick sitter for the dog. I think I will tell him I need some time alone and for him to stay at his friends house tonight. Going out would be a mess as well I do not feel like dealing with creepy guys hitting on me I could take my dog and go back to my house but the X would probably be there....not good to be pissed at H and chat with X about it.

 

I am so pissed, never have been this angry that I can recall.

[a4a]

I do apologize for the rant....... I just do not want to take it out on the wrong party or on him in a nonproductive manner. Although I am starting to think that is what he wants?

[Touche]

So are you really going to call the ex to help? I'm quite sure that will be a wake-up call to H.

 

So sorry you're in this mood. I agree with Witch. You need to do something to break out of your normal routine and get out of frustration mode.

 

And I would in NO WAY prep that garden for him. Since it's HIS deal, HE should do it. Boy, do you ever spoil him! Nothing really wrong with that but when it's not adequately reciprocated, then it's too skewed. DO NOT work on that garden. Go eat some bon bons!

[Pink_Tulip]

Sorry you are going through this. I haven't heard his side, but I will say this is how my marriage issues started. My husband just got lazier and more disinterested in doing anything with me and the kids or for the house. He used work as his excuse. Saturday morning would roll around and I'd ask him nicely to please mow the lawn, he said he had to get some work done. So I'd go out and mow the lawn (very pregnant at the time) and come back to find that his important work was either downloading music on napster or gaming online. Of course his excuse was, he was working the WHOLE time, he JUST NOW got done and was on the other thing.

 

But, feeling him pull away made me chase him even harder. Mowing the lawn quickly became MY chore, as did EVERYTHING ELSE. Can you tell I am still a bit bitter? The more I did, the more he let me do. It got to the point that not only was I doing everything, but when I would ask him to spend time with me, he would just look at me like I was the dumbest person on the planet and go back to what he was doing- usually playing on the computer, aka 'work.'

 

After four years of this I was so beaten down and my self esteem was off the charts. From your posts I can tell you have a lot more awareness than I did at that time. I know you would not allow your marriage to get to that point, so they only thing I can say is, I would give anything to have those years back. One day is too long to wait to straighten this out, IMO. Hope your husband is more receptive than mine was... took a very destructive wake up call to get his attention. Good luck.

[a4a]

So are you really going to call the ex to help? I'm quite sure that will be a wake-up call to H.

 

So sorry you're in this mood. I agree with Witch. You need to do something to break out of your normal routine and get out of frustration mode.

 

And I would in NO WAY prep that garden for him. Since it's HIS deal, HE should do it. Boy, do you ever spoil him! Nothing really wrong with that but when it's not adequately reciprocated, then it's too skewed. DO NOT work on that garden. Go eat some bon bons!

 

I broke my golden rule of allowing myself to call about non emergency personal issues while he is at work. Gave him a choice to stay at his friends or for me to leave. Also told him that if this was my house I would kick his ass right out. (Which by law it is half mine but I just am not that way.)

 

I just had a great appt. with some very nice people. Did well with it. But not any less pissed. Just more numb. H called me in the middle of the appt. but I told him I was busy. So don't know if he is staying over the friends or not. I just have reached the point where I just do not even want to look at him. I do not want to be verbally or emotionally abusive but I could probably do so at this point. I am not a mean person. But when you get pushed to a point you just explode.

 

Yes I do spoil his ass..... anything he wants including sex, massages, things, or doing things for him...... and I just realized he never even really says thank you..........He did defrost some shrimp for me last night. I am starting to think he likes it when I am angry. He treats me like gold when I get pissed almost seems to suck it up. He needs a friggin shrink.

[a4a]

So H calls to tell me that he is looking at therapist in the phone book and wants info on how to choose one. I have no clue how to choose one, do any of you or can you tell me how to do so?

 

Or should I just let him figure it out on his own?

 

And I do doubt that he would go even though he states he is tired of being the way he is. He is probably just full of shyt again.

 

Little too little, little too late......

 

Now I am going to get under the blankets and watch some TV and not do a damn thing.

[blind_otter]

He needs to establish what exactly he wants out of therapy. What issues he feels he needs work with, and what kind of framework he would be comfortable with (religious, non religious, philosophical talk therapy or more clinical stuff with exercises and worksheets).

 

Would he be more comfortable with a male or female therapist?

 

He needs to clearly know where he is now, and where he wants to be. Then call and speak with several therapists not only regarding their hourly rate, but their therapeutic style, what types of clients they fit better with, and what experience they have treating the issues that your H is interested in addressing.

 

The more you narrow the field of focus, the more likely you are to have a therapeutic experience that is effective and to the point.

[a4a]

He needs to establish what exactly he wants out of therapy. What issues he feels he needs work with, and what kind of framework he would be comfortable with (religious, non religious, philosophical talk therapy or more clinical stuff with exercises and worksheets).

 

Would he be more comfortable with a male or female therapist?

 

He needs to clearly know where he is now, and where he wants to be. Then call and speak with several therapists not only regarding their hourly rate, but their therapeutic style, what types of clients they fit better with, and what experience they have treating the issues that your H is interested in addressing.

 

The more you narrow the field of focus, the more likely you are to have a therapeutic experience that is effective and to the point.

 

thank you BO! You know he will never do that, but your advice is awesome. The only thing I could tell him is if he chooses a "religious" therapist he probably would not be happy with that.

 

There is no way in hell he will interview a therapist. He would expect me to do so for him. Which I do not think will be all that productive in this case. I think he would blame me if it did not work out for him. Or he would not be willing to or could think I made him do it. He says he wants to go. I really do not wish to get into the middle of it.

 

New project for me "rehab husband", I tell ya I don't think I am up to this.

 

I am eating chocolate and rolling my eyes..... this is not good! Step one to the "I don't give a shyt zone".

[Guest]

So when you were sitting on the couch watching TV, did you say to him 'let's go do that headboard now?'

[a4a]

No Guest I am not his Mommy or his boss. There is a project list on the frig for both of us. It is #3, I would think that mentioning it nicely at least 3 times a week with it on a project list is enough. Or should I nag him to do so?

 

Funny there is 26 items on that list with 6 circled in red sharpie......indicating those are the ones we both need to do together. Not one is finished, actually the only ones finished are the ones I have done.

[blind_otter]

No Guest I am not his Mommy or his boss. There is a project list on the frig for both of us. It is #3, I would think that mentioning it nicely at least 3 times a week with it on a project list is enough. Or should I nag him to do so?

 

Funny there is 26 items on that list with 6 circled in red sharpie......indicating those are the ones we both need to do together. Not one is finished, actually the only ones finished are the ones I have done.

 

Yep. As long as the impulse comes from you, it's not authentic at all. So there's no way it can be maintained, like if you lose weight to lose weight rather than for some more meaningful reason, like you'll die of a coronary.