Being *rejected* can be so funny!

[hotgurl]

Sorry for what? For being the way I am? Look, she had a choice - reject me and move on without further comment or reject me and CONTINUE to *attack* me. The first choice, to me, is the *grownup* thing to do.

 

Sorry for whatever you did to person A to piss them off in the first place. Most people to go around calling other people names without reason. Something must have happened to make her think you were and a$$ and feel slighted or angry enough to yell at you and laughing at her just escalated the sitaution. your smart enough to know that laughing at someone who is angry would make thier anger worse.

 

 

 

That is sad indeed. I would never wish such a thing on anyone... not even the bastard who wanted to beat me up. Not even my mother who emotionally abused me. Not even my *real* dad who abandoned me and never made any effort at having a relationship with me. Not even my *adoptive* dad who chose his work and his hobbies over me - might as well have never been there in the first place.

 

I may not actually want to see them in such a predicament as the kid you were telling us about but, damn, it sure is tempting...

 

 

you obviously have a lot of anger towards you family and society in genral maybe that is something you should explore in depth.

 

 

 

 

I have always believed in *50-50* however most other people IME do not wish to meet me halfway. They will say that since I am the one who is *different* I have to make ALL the effort.

 

Talk about *contempt*...

 

you don't meet people 1/2 way at least not here not of what I have seen of you on this board. you attack acuse and deflect. You act superior and then when people call you out on behavior you turn it back on them or make a sweeping statement about society or how society is mistreating you.

 

imo you might be better served in therapy than on a board arguing with people.

[Lil Honey]

I was under the impression that SF "laughed" AFTER the woman yelled at him. *shrugging* Just trying to keep it straight. But, that's probably neither here nor there.

 

If a member here gets so pissed at another that they "can't see straight," they would be best served to take a couple days off. I do that often when people say the most ridiculous things, especially lately. I just don't have the patience for nonsense.

 

I have found that this site isn't always good for me. It's easier to see both sides of the fence when I'm not here all the time. When I sit back and just read, each person has their own attitudes - both good and bad - and I think that they don't even realize it sometimes.

 

We don't even know each other, I would think getting so emotional over another member really isn't the healthiest thing.

[SmoochieFace]

your smart enough to know that laughing at someone who is angry would make thier anger worse.

 

That may apply to someone who is a neurotypical but not to someone with AS... and this doesn't have anything to do with being *smart*... not in an *intellectual* sense. You are talking about being *smart* in a *social* sense - and those with AS are deficient in that.

 

Of course, it's much easier to just tell someone to apologise and not go into more detail about *why* he should apologise... another hallmark of those who have little to no understanding about AS.

 

 

you obviously have a lot of anger towards you family and society in genral maybe that is something you should explore in depth.

 

I would like to do that but being ignored doesn't seem to help.

 

 

you don't meet people 1/2 way at least not here not of what I have seen of you on this board. you attack acuse and deflect. You act superior and then when people call you out on behavior you turn it back on them or make a sweeping statement about society or how society is mistreating you.

 

That is my experience in real life - most people will say that since they are *normal* they do not have to meet me halfway. That is wrong.

 

As far as *being superior*... sorry, don't agree. I do not believe in anyone being *superior* over anyone else, I do not believe in any hierarchies, and I do not believe in competition - instead I believe in cooperation. Unfortunately, that belief isn't *popular* as we live in a highly competitive society and that is a major cause of all our woes.

 

Basically, your blood is as red as mine, therefore I am not superior to you and you are not superior to me.

 

 

imo you might be better served in therapy than on a board arguing with people.

 

Thanks for your help.

[blind_otter]

Sorry for what? For being the way I am? Look, she had a choice - reject me and move on without further comment or reject me and CONTINUE to *attack* me. The first choice, to me, is the *grownup* thing to do.

 

Everyone, including you I hope you admit, does not always respond the way that they should.

 

I believe that people should not have to apologise for how they are. OTOH, people also have a CHOICE whether to engage the person or not. If you make a conscious decision to engage the person, knowing all about their *faults* and how they may affect you, then the responsibility rests squarely on your shoulders.

 

the only way to know "all about their *faults*" is to be intimately involved with someone. As a general rule, we usually have emotional/mental shortcuts for people who are only acquaintences.

 

Well, I didn't *choose* to be afflicted with AS. But afflicted I am and yet... where is the empathy for me and others like me? Yeah, there are a couple of people here who actually *DO* understand but where is that broad empathy?

 

I dunno... see, this gets me to thinking, once again, that *other people* who have problems deserve empathy but, for some reason, I don't deserve it. And THAT is a double standard that I fail to understand.

 

You may be intimately familiar with AS. BUT, generally, most people don't even know what it is. You mention "autism spectrum disorder" and they think of Rain Man.

 

I have always believed in *50-50* however most other people IME do not wish to meet me halfway. They will say that since I am the one who is *different* I have to make ALL the effort.

 

I don't know if you have a therapist who is helping to coach you with life skills, but part of having a disorder that is not well known and not physically obvious is understanding that life isn't fair. It's not fair to have to go the extra mile. Unfortunately that is what anyone with special needs has to do. You help to educate those that you associate with regularly.

[hotgurl]

I was under the impression that SF "laughed" AFTER the woman yelled at him. *shrugging* Just trying to keep it straight. But, that's probably neither here nor there.

 

If a member here gets so pissed at another that they "can't see straight," they would be best served to take a couple days off. I do that often when people say the most ridiculous things, especially lately. I just don't have the patience for nonsense.

 

I have found that this site isn't always good for me. It's easier to see both sides of the fence when I'm not here all the time. When I sit back and just read, each person has their own attitudes - both good and bad - and I think that they don't even realize it sometimes.

 

We don't even know each other, I would think getting so emotional over another member really isn't the healthiest thing.

 

ok I was picturing the situation as happening like this.

 

it's in rl and sf and person a are having a conflict person A has percieved some sort of slight insult whatever and has become angry with SF so angry in fact the person A starts to yell at SF and SF starts laughing at person A making person A madder and escalated the conflict.

 

I didn't know it happened on this board.

[SmoochieFace]

ok I was picturing the situation as happening like this.

 

it's in rl and sf and person a are having a conflict person A has percieved some sort of slight insult whatever and has become angry with SF so angry in fact the person A starts to yell at SF and SF starts laughing at person A making person A madder and escalated the conflict.

 

I didn't know it happened on this board.

 

You could have *ASKED ME* instead of assuming.

[hotgurl]

That may apply to someone who is a neurotypical but not to someone with AS... and this doesn't have anything to do with being *smart*... not in an *intellectual* sense. You are talking about being *smart* in a *social* sense - and those with AS are deficient in that.

 

Of course, it's much easier to just tell someone to apologise and not go into more detail about *why* he should apologise... another hallmark of those who have little to no understanding about AS.

 

ok I'll give you that since I don't know much about AS. But one would think correct me if I am wrong that a person with AS can learn from experince and you have had past experinces where laughing has esculated a already heated situation.

 

 

I would like to do that but being ignored doesn't seem to help.

 

I didn't mean to be ignored but to have therapy to help you deal with your anger. It is no fun to live life angry it is aterrible burden that will eat away at you and rob you of your joy. I know what it is like to have been throught terrible things and been let down by the people who should love you but at sme point you need to heal and let it go.

 

 

 

That is my experience in real life - most people will say that since they are *normal* they do not have to meet me halfway. That is wrong.

 

As far as *being superior*... sorry, don't agree. I do not believe in anyone being *superior* over anyone else, I do not believe in any hierarchies, and I do not believe in competition - instead I believe in cooperation. Unfortunately, that belief isn't *popular* as we live in a highly competitive society and that is a major cause of all our woes.

 

Basically, your blood is as red as mine, therefore I am not superior to you and you are not superior to me.

 

Thanks for your help.

 

Maybe it is your AS that makes you sound superior in your posts but BO said it better than I did and she is spot on. Maybe you should work with a therapist to help coach you in social skills. Yeah it sucks and yeah you might have to work harder but you might be happier and feel less isolated.

 

Plus I think sometime you also isolate yourself by labeling yourself as different. I am different in that I deal with a lot most people don't I wake up in pain everyday it sucks I can't do everythign I want but I talk to people and go to groups to help myself to cope.

[hotgurl]

You could have *ASKED ME* instead of assuming.

 

Yeah you know what they say about assuming!

[SmoochieFace]

Everyone, including you I hope you admit, does not always respond the way that they should.

 

True, but we should all strive to do our best.

 

 

You may be intimately familiar with AS. BUT, generally, most people don't even know what it is. You mention "autism spectrum disorder" and they think of Rain Man.

 

Perhaps my reason for being here is to *educate* others about it... but I am finding that most people don't give a damn. They figure..."hell, MY life is oh so fantastic so why should I give a *beep* about all those *broken* people? As long as I have my friends, my job, and my hangout places I am A-OK and to hell with everyone else!"

 

Wow... I would give up my left arm to see what would happen to all those *cool* people if they were to have all of that snatched away from them and then be forced to live like me. That would be a Bunny-Treat extraordinaire... seeing how long they would cope with being in my shoes.

 

 

I don't know if you have a therapist who is helping to coach you with life skills, but part of having a disorder that is not well known and not physically obvious is understanding that life isn't fair. It's not fair to have to go the extra mile. Unfortunately that is what anyone with special needs has to do. You help to educate those that you associate with regularly.

 

Oh, I know it isn't *fair*. But that doesn't make it *right* AND it also shouldn't be used as an excuse to not call for change.

 

Then again... I've noticed that being passive and accepting is much easier than to actually do the work needed to make the world a better place. That would involve *responsibility* and we ALL know that most people are scared to death of THAT, right?

 

Again, as far as educating people... I would be delighted to do so but people also need to want to be educated. I can't embark on that if there are no takers.

[blind_otter]

My father once wisely told me that there are a million ways to say one thing. One way could make a man want to kill you, the other way could make the man want to hug you.

 

The trick is figuring out which way to say what you need to say to get what you want/need.

[SmoochieFace]

My father once wisely told me that there are a million ways to say one thing. One way could make a man want to kill you, the other way could make the man want to hug you.

 

The trick is figuring out which way to say what you need to say to get what you want/need.

 

So why are people so loath to tell me what the *good* ways are? Why do they just expect me to know it?

[blind_otter]

They don't expect you to know it. But part of growing up means learning how to do this for yourself.

[SmoochieFace]

They don't expect you to know it. But part of growing up means learning how to do this for yourself.

 

Those with AS have difficulty with learning how to do that for themselves. That's when they need help... and it isn't unreasonable to ask for that.

 

Ignoring someone or disparaging someone or *making fun* of someone who is disabled in this way isn't right, is it not? Would you (speaking rhetorically - not literally) *make fun* of someone who was a cripple? Or blind? Or deaf? Or deformed?

[blind_otter]

Well if you can't deal with their disability, it's better to remove yourself from the situation rather than risk further harm. I know I cannot handle certain kinds of things, so I avoid them. In time, as I can, I deal with the things I avoid. But taking a kamikaze approach and insisting that everyone deal with their baggage according to some idea in your head of what is appropriate isn't doing anyone any good.

 

And yes, you have difficulty learning to do this for yourself, but I know for a fact that there are a lot of behavioral resources out there to help AS people learn how to learn.

 

As with learning disabilities, you can learn certain things and then with help and coaching learn to fill in the blanks that your disability has created.

[Lil Honey]

I don't know if you have a therapist who is helping to coach you with life skills, but part of having a disorder that is not well known and not physically obvious is understanding that life isn't fair.

As far as I have read, AS isn't widely understood or recognized, so therapists who even have knowledge about it are far and few between.

 

Plus I think sometime you also isolate yourself by labeling yourself as different.

I think this is true. There are things that SF has expressed and I have felt the same way. SF, I could be wrong, but could it be that the feeling might be more pronounced for you? Of course, you might not be able to answer that, because you don't know how it is for an NT. All I can say is that those feelings are have different intensities for me at different times. I'm not diminishing your frustration. Just trying to get an understanding.

 

Perhaps my reason for being here is to *educate* others about it... but I am finding that most people don't give a damn.

I don't believe this is entirely true. There are several folks here who have spend a lot of time trying to help you. IMHO, that translates into caring. If they didn't give a damn, they wouldn't post.

 

I understand that there are others who seem to want to stir the pot, but they aren't everyone.

 

You DID say, "most" people. I would hope that half of the people care about you and half don't. Just as I think half would care about me and half wouldn't. It's just that "the squeeky wheel gets the oil" which means that those who voice their opinion forcefully are heard the most or ahead of others. It would be nice to have more people be more supportive, but I think many folks don't want to get caught in crossfire, they choose not to get involved in a heated debate.

 

Again, as far as educating people... I would be delighted to do so but people also need to want to be educated. I can't embark on that if there are no takers.

Look closely. There ARE takers.

 

My father once wisely told me that there are a million ways to say one thing. One way could make a man want to kill you, the other way could make the man want to hug you.

That's an excellent way of looking at things.

 

The trick is figuring out which way to say what you need to say to get what you want/need.

I think therein lies the problem - figuring it out.

 

They don't expect you to know it. But part of growing up means learning how to do this for yourself.

That would be an accurate statement IF the learning process for figuring it out wasn't getting interrupted. THAT is the problem - lack of processing ability.

[blind_otter]

As far as I have read, AS isn't widely understood or recognized, so therapists who even have knowledge about it are far and few between.

 

I studied under one of the better autism-spectrum researchers in the country (IMHO) -- Dr. Darragh Devine. I think he's now specifically studying self-injurious behavior in children with severe autism spectrum disoders, but there's even a center for autism study in my state, which is a southern state and a bit backward IMO.

 

In CA especially there are a lot of psych centeres specifically geared towards autism specturm disorders. There was almost a "fad" in the 1990s in the psych community regarding studing this developmental disorder.

[SmoochieFace]

I think this is true. There are things that SF has expressed and I have felt the same way. SF, I could be wrong, but could it be that the feeling might be more pronounced for you? Of course, you might not be able to answer that, because you don't know how it is for an NT. All I can say is that those feelings are have different intensities for me at different times. I'm not diminishing your frustration. Just trying to get an understanding.

 

Yes it is true. But I label myself as *different* because I really am. However, it's a label that I would love to shed.

 

Let's take just one issue: friends. How many people on here actually have friends... people that you can confide in, people you can ring up and talk about whatever, people that you can hang out with, etc.? And how many of you who do have friends take it for granted - not actually taking your friends for granted but the concept of having friends for granted?

 

See... I've never experienced that. I don't know what it's like to have friends. I don't know what it's like to be able to go to a sports bar with a group and have drinks, talk, laugh, and banter. That is simply an alien thing to me. It is something that I may never experience. It is also something that causes me great grief. And the more I attempt to learn how to acquire a *social circle* the more frustrated I get. Hell, I seek out help and I get directed to sites that are purely academic in nature... I mean, come on, people don't take classes on how to get friends and be popular, right?

 

 

I don't believe this is entirely true. There are several folks here who have spend a lot of time trying to help you. IMHO, that translates into caring. If they didn't give a damn, they wouldn't post.

 

I am also ignored by plenty of people as well. I was also accused of being an *attention-seeker* - as if wanting attention is somehow a *bad* thing. Sheesh... I thought EVERYONE wants attention... if they didn't none of us would be here... we would all be isolated from each other. Guess I was wrong. *shrugging*

 

 

You DID say, "most" people. I would hope that half of the people care about you and half don't. Just as I think half would care about me and half wouldn't. It's just that "the squeeky wheel gets the oil" which means that those who voice their opinion forcefully are heard the most or ahead of others. It would be nice to have more people be more supportive, but I think many folks don't want to get caught in crossfire, they choose not to get involved in a heated debate.

 

If just half the people who have some sort of contact with me actually did care I would feel better about myself and feel less of an outcast. *sigh*

[Guest]

Last night i got rejected by a girl and she destroys our friendship only because i told her i was hurt and then eventually she calls me pathetic

[Guest]

Well, I didn't *choose* to be afflicted with AS. But afflicted I am and yet... where is the empathy for me and others like me? Yeah, there are a couple of people here who actually *DO* understand but where is that broad empathy?

 

And your point is? Are you saying that until the whole entire world has empathy for you, you refuse it to others? Not very grown-up a reaction, is that? Of course much of the world fails to be empathic. But do you need to act like the worst of humans? If you have such contempt for most of them, then why behave like them, pray?

 

I dunno... see, this gets me to thinking, once again, that *other people* who have problems deserve empathy but, for some reason, I don't deserve it. And THAT is a double standard that I fail to understand.

 

Um. Not sure how you could have managed to deduce that from what I said. I'm not talking about how you are treated in your whole life. I'm referring to what you said about how you treat people.

 

Again, another double standard. If *my* contempt is *bad* then the contempt of all those *other people* towards me is also *bad*, right? Why is it that one side is seemingly justified and the other is condemned? Contempt is contempt regardless of who's doing the *contempting*.

 

Again, nobody said anybody's justified in being contemptuous. Did you see me say that contempt is ok unless you're Smoochie? NO. I hope you're not being disingenuous. NOBODY SHOULD BE CONTEMPTUOUS OF ANYBODY.

 

OK? Clear enough now???

 

Yeesh.

 

Again, that should apply to EVERYONE... including those who have contempt for me.

 

And again, nowhere did I say or even imply otherwise.

 

I have always believed in *50-50* however most other people IME do not wish to meet me halfway. They will say that since I am the one who is *different* I have to make ALL the effort.

 

Someone else said that part of learning to deal with a disorder is understanding that life isn't perfect. It's not perfect for the rest of us, either. Nobody has it great, despite your impression. Everyone has troubles of some sort so you'll do far better in your life if you lose the belief that everybody's coasting along merrily except you. It isn't the case. And if you want to be a Man, then yes often you do have to make more effort. Which is much more admirable than being pouty and whiny and doing the 'why do I always have to do it mommy' routine.

 

The task of being an adult is accepting that life isn't perfect - whether you be Aspie or have anxiety disorders or are cheated on or get screwed in your job - often life sucks. It's pointless to get your panties in a twist over it all the time because it won't change. Rather, learn to accept it with grace and find enjoyment in life anyway.

[lindya]

That is my experience in real life - most people will say that since they are *normal* they do not have to meet me halfway. That is wrong.

 

Explain to us why it's wrong.

 

Each species that lives on this earth does so by dint of its ability to adapt to the environment. Is that fair, unfair or simply a fact? I say it's just a fact, and that arguing whether it's fair or unfair would be as irrelevant as arguing about whether water should be wet.

 

You have an uphill struggle communicating with people as a result of the AS. The polite and empathic response for other people is to pay attention when you explain why you have some communications difficulties. Make some effort to understand. Some people may go a step further and read up on AS in an effort to relate to you better. They certainly don't have any obligation to read up on it, however.

 

Society might make certain provisions or minor adaptations to empower you to manage more effectively within it, but it has many different needs to cater for. It's unrealistic for you to expect others to devote a disproportionate amount of their time in catering to them. Fair enough, your girlfriend will make strenuous efforts because you're a major part of her life - but the

average Loveshack reader doesn't have any duty to become an expert on Asperger's simply because you happen to use this site.

 

Some people may well wish to read about it, and that's fine. If you want to write a few educational posts about it, no doubt quite a few of us will read them - but speaking personally I'd only be interested if it's a factual account of "living with Aspergers". If it's nothing more than a whine and a rant about "NTs" and how they don't understand, then I doubt you'll find many takers.

[grateful]

lindya,

I absolutely would read the kinds of posts you suggest SF write. I am very curious about AS. I've googled it and read a little bit and am fascinated because it is so opposite of who I am as a person (I can tend towards codependent so that tells you how much I pay attention to "social codes"). I hope reading a bit on AS counts as meeting SF halfway. I'm definitely interested in how this affects his life.

 

 

Where I get a little lost with SF is I am confused how this particular response quoted below could be elicited with AS. If AS prevents him from understanding social interaction and therefore living outside of "social codes" why was he looking for validation about his belief that person B violated what looks an awful lot like a "social code"?

 

 

Responding to bab who said:

Sounds like Person B has issues.

 

 

 

Absolutely.

 

I think that it is crazy to reject someone and then turn right around and harangue the person you've rejected even more by launching into namecalling, etc. Dumb.

 

If someone approached me and I didn't want to associate with that person for whatever reason I would just reject that person and move on.

[Tinman]

The easiest way to *disarm* someone emotionally, IME, is to either laugh at them or just ignore them.

 

Actually, usually this is the best way to infuriate/humiliate or just generally egg someone on. This is not to say that people aren't often deserving of this treatment but it's best to be honest that the goal is not to disarm them.

 

From what I know of AS it frequently causes problems with reading the emotional states and emotional reactions of others.

 

Thus, I'm not trying to tell you what your motivations are but if I can perhaps I can help a little to explain how your motivations appear to observers.

 

You stated earlier that you're doing it because you find it fun and you seem to like getting a rise out of this person. From what you've written it appears like you enjoy the sense of superiority you get when this other person loses their cool and therefore you take steps to ensure it happens.

 

 

Whether it's your true intent or not, to observers it's the exact same thing they were trying to do to you. It sounds like you're just better at it. Like I said, some people may deserve it and they're certainly bringing it upon themselves but that doesn't make it right to respond in kind.

 

Now, in regards to AS you mentioned that people seem to have a poor grasp of the condition. Perhaps this would be prime to start a "Ask the guy with AS" thread? It seems like it would be a great first step in the fight against ignorance.

[daphne]

Smoochie,

 

My feeling is that you are passive aggressive and there's something you're not telling us. I think you pushed her buttons and you admitted as much.

[SmoochieFace]

Where I get a little lost with SF is I am confused how this particular response quoted below could be elicited with AS. If AS prevents him from understanding social interaction and therefore living outside of "social codes" why was he looking for validation about his belief that person B violated what looks an awful lot like a "social code"?

 

AS is a spectrum disorder - there are many varying degrees of it.

 

Anyway... doesn't really matter any more. I have come to the realisation that any effort on my part to understand others and even *join in* are fruitless - and I am not interested in doing things that don't produce results.

 

You guys can live and party in your world and I will remain in mine. I will just sit at home and do whatever I want since I cannot do what I want in your world anyway.

[SmoochieFace]

Actually, usually this is the best way to infuriate/humiliate or just generally egg someone on. This is not to say that people aren't often deserving of this treatment but it's best to be honest that the goal is not to disarm them.

 

The way I see it... people who attempt to *invade* my space - especially with violence - deserve nothing but contempt from me. Particularly when I am minding my own business in the first place.

 

Ever been *picked on* cuz you're *different*? Ever had some bully taunt you while you're minding your own business? The situation that resulted in the *fight* I mentioned earlier was a result of that sort of bullying.

 

I don't understand the psychology of bullying and, to be frank, I really don't care to understand. I have no interest in understanding the mindset of people who resort to violence as a means of enforcing some kind of *conformity* on those who are *different*. The only thing that mattered to me was that I dealt with the situation in the best way FOR ME and it obviously worked. After that incident I was never harrassed by that individual again.

 

Did he deserve what happened to him? In my mind, yes he did. ANYONE who attempts to cross any boundary of mine will pay - and THAT was what happened in that case.

 

I also find it interesting that MY behaviour is being grilled but the behaviour of the bully has received little if any condemnation. Why is that? Is MY behaviour being condemned because it didn't *conform* to some unwritten social more? Was I supposed to allow myself to be beaten up by that thug... is that the expected thing... the so-called *weaker* person should be beaten up because *that's the way it is*?