Per Society...why is Marriage next?

[PlentyLV007]

I'm going crazy here! I'm venting mostly. I'm a young 26 year old woman. I'm dating, I'm single and I love it! I work with 5 women...of course older than me that have the traditional theory that Marriage is a must.

 

In my opinion Marriage does not justify anything...

The women here at work try to explain to me that, I'll change my mind, I just have a front...I'm protecting myself from getting hurt!

 

Most marriages now adays are more than likely to end up in divorce. Divorce is taken more as a break up and as if it were normal. It's not.

Why is it that most people feel when you get to a point in life when you love someone 5-6 years down the road think that getting married is the next move? Why? Marriage doesn't promise anything? What's the big deal? I feel that most people have this Security thing and think that Marriage will keep their partner or gives them more comfort? When you love someone so much....why is their that feeling of "marraige"? Why can't a partnership be build and defined w/ out it?

[bab]

I feel that most people have this Security thing and think that Marriage will keep their partner or gives them more comfort? When you love someone so much....why is their that feeling of "marraige"? Why can't a partnership be build and defined w/ out it?

 

You can build a partnership with anyone regardless of marriage, but without the actual marriage, the partnership has it's limitations. First of all, socially people will accept that a husband and wife have a special committment to share each other's life goals, and it's more likely to be respected than the bf/gf relationship. Possibly even more important is the legal partnership. You husband would become your next of kin, legal family. Assuming you build a partnership with this man, then wouldn't he know you better than anyone. If some critical decision had to be made for you, wouldn't you want him to be the one to do it?

 

To me, it's a way to make our partnership that we really already have offical.

[PlentyLV007]

Why would a marriage be respected more than a gf/bf relationship? Why can't it just be respected? Legal partnership? In who's eyes? After 7 year relationship it's already a "common law marriage".

[catgirl1927]

In my opinion, those people who nag and nag at you to get married are doing so because misery loves company. Or, because they view single women as a threat, because if they had the opportunities you have they'd be ho-ing around like crazy. OR because they define themselves by who they spread their legs for so you need to as well. Bottom line is, they very likely don't have healthy reasons to nag you to get married. It sucks, but you have to ignore.

[PlentyLV007]

In my opinion, those people who nag and nag at you to get married are doing so because misery loves company. Or, because they view single women as a threat, because if they had the opportunities you have they'd be ho-ing around like crazy. OR because they define themselves by who they spread their legs for so you need to as well. Bottom line is, they very likely don't have healthy reasons to nag you to get married. It sucks, but you have to ignore.

 

Seriously it's annoying! I get this like every other week! "buy why do u think this way?" "you have to get married" "nobody is going to want a woman who doesn't want to get married". It drives me nuts! Funny thing is that these women are either going through seperation, have had divorces (more than 2) and have had cheating husbands.....! I don't get it....it's like join the club!!!

No thanks! I'm not saying that if I get married that would happen...I'm just saying...I don't want to get married because I don't believe tha marriage would justify my love and relationship with my partner.

[magda]

If my husband and I didn't want children we might not have bothered with marriage. But since we do, I think marriage is important. It makes us family and yes, gives us security. Some people do take their vows seriously.

[catgirl1927]

If my husband and I didn't want children we might not have bothered with marriage. But since we do, I think marriage is important. It makes us family and yes, gives us security. Some people do take their vows seriously.

 

Oh, it's not about that. I think MOST people take their vows seriously. But that doesn't mean that a 26 year old girl should be panicking and on a constant desperate man-hunt because she's not married yet.

[PlentyLV007]

If my husband and I didn't want children we might not have bothered with marriage. But since we do, I think marriage is important. It makes us family and yes, gives us security. Some people do take their vows seriously.

 

Why IF? If you didn't get married? Would you still be with him, would you still concider him your family, your heart, your love? Marriage makes you family? A paper makes you family? A ceromony makes you family?

I thought family is build with trust, love and loyalty with your partner....

 

SECURITY??! .... Security of what?

[bab]

Why would a marriage be respected more than a gf/bf relationship? Why can't it just be respected? Legal partnership? In who's eyes? After 7 year relationship it's already a "common law marriage".

 

 

I'm not saying that a gf/bf relationship CAN'T be respected. There are certainly cases in people in gf/bf relationships are more committed then in a marriage. But, in general society does respect marriage more. For instance my fiance couldn't take sick time when I had surgery because I'm not his wife.

 

I'm not sure about all the laws of common law marriage, but I'm not sure that all the states recognize it. I am sure that you have to be actually acting like you are married, not just in a relationship.

[bab]

Oh, it's not about that. I think MOST people take their vows seriously. But that doesn't mean that a 26 year old girl should be panicking and on a constant desperate man-hunt because she's not married yet.

 

 

Absolutely. I'm pointing out the benefits of marriage for a relationship. I don't believe that marriage should be a goal for anybody. If and when a woman happens upon the right man, then she can think about it. She definitely shouldn't let people put her down because she's not on a man-hunt. Sorry if I gave that impression.

[catgirl1927]

SECURITY??! .... Security of what?

 

Some people think that women have more security as far as money goes if they are married. Like it affords them some imaginary rights or something.

[magda]

Why IF? If you didn't get married? Would you still be with him, would you still concider him your family, your heart, your love? Marriage makes you family? A paper makes you family? A ceromony makes you family?

I thought family is build with trust, love and loyalty with your partner....

 

SECURITY??! .... Security of what?

First, I'm not harrassing you for not being married, and I expect the same courtesy.

 

Yes, actually the ceremony solidified us as family, in my opinion. It's the symbolism of the act. Sure, you can be family without being married, but that's not the way we wanted to do it. I'm sure tradition plays a major role in why I feel this way.

 

I do not think 26-year old women should be on desperate man-hunts nor did I say as much.

[michelangelo]

It is less complicated for them to have a married set of parents.

 

Also, even if you think common law applies after 7 years, you may be wrong about that. It depends on where you live.

 

medical decisions, inheritance, retirement plans, health plans, home ownership, credit. These are factors in marriage versus just living together.

 

Yeah, love should enter into the decision to be with someone far more than a piece of paper. But once you do decide to commit to someone, a lot of real world and practical decisionmaking has to occur.

 

And people figured out a long time ago that you can consolidate a lot of that decisionmaking into a marriage contract.

[catgirl1927]

No one here said she should be man-hunting. Those women at her office said it.

 

I don't think there is ANYTHING wrong with marriage. I just think that so many young women think it's going to magically fix their lives. It won't. Also, I think she should concentrate on her career, having fun and making good friends. The right man will come along when he comes along.

 

I told my BF I was fine with not being married as long as I was married before I was pregnant. I want to be married when I have a family, because I feel better about it that way.

[PlentyLV007]

I'm not taking this in any negative way. I don't feel I'm being harrassed at all...the women at my job is another story....I hate the feeling of having to explian my feelings and beliefs, especially to women that are seperated, going through divorce, have been married more than twice and so on....I mean even a young woman that is 3 years younger than me has her life set! She's been dating a guy her parent's hooked her up with and she has to be married in 2 years. With First child on the way. I mean....I guess a lot does have to do with tradition. My family and my mom totally believes in marriage.

I just don't believe that a piece of paper will define my relationship with my partner and BTW....I would call him my husband after a very long time (8-10yrs ) of being committed.

[bab]

I just don't believe that a piece of paper will define my relationship with my partner and BTW....I would call him my husband after a very long time (8-10yrs ) of being committed.

 

If you would call him your husband, why not get married?

[blind_otter]

I've been married and I don't really want to again. I'll live with someone for the rest of my life but I'm not jumping through all those hoops again.

[PlentyLV007]

If you would call him your husband, why not get married?

Don't c the point....and it's not that I don't want to c it...I just don't know what difference it would make. BTW...I don't want kids. I like kids but, not to have for my own.

 

I know ...I know...I'm too young and what do I know...but, I've always known that I don't want to have any...

[michelangelo]

Before you decide your comfort level about common law marriages, please review a place such as this website:

 

http://www.unmarried.org/common.html

[bab]

Don't c the point....and it's not that I don't want to c it...I just don't know what difference it would make. BTW...I don't want kids. I like kids but, not to have for my own.

 

I know ...I know...I'm too young and what do I know...but, I've always known that I don't want to have any...

 

I'm not saying anything about what you should think regarding kids. It's a huge individual decision (as is marriage). I'm only a year older than you, so I'm not going to tell you you are too young to know anything. If you're to young to know, then I'm to young to give advice!

 

It just seems odd to me that you would be willing to call someone your husband but be oppossed to them actually being your husband.

 

It wouldn't bother you that the two of you would be legally limited in your partnership?

[PlentyLV007]

It doesn't bother me...I just don't c the reason to get married. By calling my partner husband...I feel through time it's earned...

Marriage is not something that bother's me...I just don't believe it's for me.

[Walk]

PlentyLV,

 

Just wondering, and no offense intended... but why are you opposed to marriage? If it's only a piece of paper and ceremony, then why the big push to remain legally free even if you do find the right person?

 

I ask because for the longest time I had been opposed to marriage, said it wasn't for me, and that it didn't mean anything anyway. My argument was that it was just a piece of paper, divorce is rampant, it doesn't solve anything, or prove anything..

 

But I was actually more scared of the legally binding commitment. I was raised to believe that once your married, that's it. It's forever. And you don't have that power to leave if you start to feel that you are being mistreated in anyway. And the other person doesn't have the fear that they could lose you, because you're legally "theirs". That's what I feared. The control aspect of it, the loss of personal freedom and power. Not the actual institution of marriage. Any benefits gained from marriage were so small compared to the loss of indiviual freedom that it was not something I ever wanted to get into.

 

This probably isn't how you feel about it, but it helped me to understand all the aspects of why I oppose it. Solidified in my mind what I am looking for in a relationship, by knowing what I fear in being married. I look for someone I can trust without fail.

 

I'm sorry, I just realized I'm being like those women at your work... saying you have to "justify" why you don't want to. I'm not really saying that. I was just suggesting that sometimes there are deeper reasons behind something we oppose then what we initially believe it is. And sometimes that helps us see what we do and don't want in our lives a little more clearly.

[catgirl1927]

I think there is a distinct difference between not believing in marriage and not wanting to get married right now. I thought the original deal was, the women at her office were nagging at her to catch herself a man so she could be a complete person. and quick, because the clock is ticking.

 

The truth is, marriage is like everything else in life: it has the meaning that you attribute to it. If you think that it means that you are bound forever, then it does. If you think it's just a way to get half his paycheck, then it is. If you think it's a way to bind yourself in a formal, socially recognizable contract for the sake of stability for your children, then that's what it is. Hell, for some people, it's proof of love, my mother used to say my father might have girlfriends but he doesn't love them enough to marry them so it didn't matter. It's very personal.

[PlentyLV007]

PlentyLV,

 

Just wondering, and no offense intended... but why are you opposed to marriage? If it's only a piece of paper and ceremony, then why the big push to remain legally free even if you do find the right person?

 

I'm not opposed, I just honestly don't see the cause to it.

 

 

I'm sorry, I just realized I'm being like those women at your work... saying you have to "justify" why you don't want to. I'm not really saying that. I was just suggesting that sometimes there are deeper reasons behind something we oppose then what we initially believe it is. And sometimes that helps us see what we do and don't want in our lives a little more clearly.

 

I'm not scared and as my co workers say.."I'm putting up a barrier"...um No!

I don't understand how being married can then make you decide that it's time for him to give you money, or that is when two families should unite, or you get his last name, or honestly....I feel it's something that society has built up and I know the lord up above is all for it but, if someone loves me, they will love me, and everything that connects to me, will share everything with me not try to change me but change himself to become a better person for himself and us as a couple. I just don't see how marriage makes everything better? Wasn't it better before? why can't I be honored w/ out vows? Loved w/ out vows? I'm honestly not scared of getting hurt or loosing or anything because I've loved and I would love again and again. Marriage no. Love doesn't come with a contract.

[Pink_Tulip]

Plenty- I can see your point. I have been married ten years, and we were together for 5 years before that. We got married b/c he had great health insurance and I had a new job that didn't offer any. After marriage, I didn't change my last name until a few years later when I was nine months pregnant with my first child, and it hit me, he would have a different last name than me. That just didn't sit right with me, so I took my H name. I like that we all have the same name.

 

I enjoy the tax breaks. And there is a public perception that b/c you are married, you have a 'stronger' commitment than just bf/gf, and thats kinda nice too. So I guess I have come around. Now, I have always said I would NEVER get married again, assuming this one didn't last. But I am also old enough to know that you never truely know how you are gonna feel about a situation until you are in it, lol.

 

Maybe you could tell all these silly women that its not marriage you are against, its jumping in to it that you have an issue with. And then turn it around on them, saying YOU don't believe in divorce or audultery, and if never getting married means you get to live a life without those things, you will die a happy person.