Decision Update....

[DepressedWaiting]

For those who know or are following my story with my MM... (he was supposed to give me his decision on St.Patrick's day, he let me know earlier) he says that if I stay calm and no longer flip out and go completely psycho that he will file for divorce within 3 months. He says he really wants to take the next month to see if we can even get along anymore with no turmoil and no fighting and wants PROOF that I am capable of changing and that we are compatible because after all the INSANITY that has happened between us the past 6 months... he's a little freaked out still and needs a little time to mend the damage.

 

He will then hire an attorney (sometime in the month of May) and file for divorce (in June) to start the divorce proccess but that if I continue my behavior towards him and do not change that he wants nothing to do with me. He says that he will not tolerate this kind of abuse anymore.

 

I don't think anybody here knows how psycho this situation made me act like. I've done things that I NEVER could have imagined myself doing. Calling him like a psycho 100 times in a row (because I slipped into panic mode during fights with him) on the phone (happened more than once, he even got kicked out of his business meeting because of this once and had a panic attacks), constantly threatening to tell his wife everything, insulting him, interrogating him... e.t.c...e.t.c...

 

So as you can see I was the psycho mistress b*tch from h*ll

 

But not anymore, things have changed since the past almost two weeks. I'm not allowing him to have sex with me at all UNTIL he has filed for divorce. I haven't had sex with him at all for at least an entire month now.

 

He just left my house a while ago...

 

But if he fails me and delays this deadline even ONCE I will have NO problems kicking him to the curb.

 

In the meantime I am no longer allowing myself to be consumed or bed ridden with pain from this situation, I am actively pusuing my new busines so all is ok. I'm NOT wasting my life away as before. No way.

 

So let's see if he really will file for divorce before the month of June is over...

whatever happens... happens... I'll be ok no matter what. PLEASE don't bash me, this is how I NEED to handle this situation with this 3 month timeframe... it's not realistic for me to walk way yet... I really need to deal with this my way.

 

Do I have like the most screwed up OW/MM story in LS history or what?

[Touche]

What happened to this?

 

"if he delays the deadline or surpasses it then I will have 100% proof that he is SCUM and I will walk away. That's all I need and I can't wait."

 

That was for the St. Patrick's Day deadline. You are now saying that he let you know earlier. I don't get it...am I the only one? He let you know earlier that he's delaying it and that's ok?

 

And didn't he already have a lawyer from before?

 

SO confused!

[destination_unknown]

thouche, st. paddys day was the deadline for deciding the deadline :-)

 

DW, i personally think you would be saving yourself alot of heartache if you got yourself out of this situation and got yourself some councelling. No matter how the MM was acting, what went down at the warehouse, the voicemails and the phonecalls is very serious. Do you not see that this relationship is completely unhealthy? I guess like you said you have to do it your way, so do what you gotta do, i hope it turns out how you want, but from the sounds of it, this relationship is completely out of control irrational and unhealthy and will only give you more turmoil and torture. I am very sorry that somebody your age is going through something like this, when you havent even had a healthy relationship with a man to compare this to.

[Touche]

Thanks for clearing that up for me Destination Unknown! What a tangled web! A deadline for deciding the deadline..I get it.

 

Why does he have to wait for June to file? I don't get it. I'd never allow that. I mean it takes awhile anyway. It's not like you file and then are divorced the next day.

 

He has to want to do this independently of YOUR behavior and he doesn't. That does not bode well for you. He's too wishy-washy a real wuss to wait to see how you "behave."

 

Wow, I continue to wonder why in the hell you even WANT this loser? Weird.

[cal gal]

The new deadline is buying him more time to string her along...typical of the situation!

 

HEEEELLLLOOOOOO DW, he WILL continue to give you new timelines that benfit his situation.

 

Face the fact honey, he will string you along as long as you allow him to.

[destination_unknown]

DW, do you think, even if he divorces his wife and you live with him, that he will ever respect you after what went down?

 

I dont think anyone will be able to get through to you, but its just that people dont want to see you get even more hurt and humiliated that you already have been.

 

Do you want to be constantly walking on eggshells?

 

He only wants to divorce if you behave in a particular way for him?

 

Has he apologised to you in anyway for what happened?

 

Do you really think that this can ever be a healthy relationship where you respect each other after the scenes at the warehouse / hospital / his meetings?

 

Do you think that either of you can forget those things?

 

Think carefully if this is what you really want, because there is going to be more pain.

 

Even if he divorces his wife in the three months, will that make your insecurities go away, will that change the way you view yourself, will that erase those scenes from your and his memory, will you just start over and live happily ever after? There is so much anger, resentment, bad memories etc with this relationship.

[erika2610]

I just don't think a relationship that has such anger, bitterness and hostility is a very healthy one. As hard as it may be, I think that this whole thing just needs to come to an end. It will only get worse..

[whichwayisup]

For those who know or are following my story with my MM... (he was supposed to give me his decision on St.Patrick's day, he let me know earlier) he says that if I stay calm and no longer flip out and go completely psycho that he will file for divorce within 3 months. He says he really wants to take the next month to see if we can even get along anymore with no turmoil and no fighting and wants PROOF that I am capable of changing and that we are compatible because after all the INSANITY that has happened between us the past 6 months... he's a little freaked out still and needs a little time to mend the damage.

 

He will then hire an attorney (sometime in the month of May) and file for divorce (in June) to start the divorce proccess but that if I continue my behavior towards him and do not change that he wants nothing to do with me. He says that he will not tolerate this kind of abuse anymore.

 

I don't think anybody here knows how psycho this situation made me act like. I've done things that I NEVER could have imagined myself doing. Calling him like a psycho 100 times in a row (because I slipped into panic mode during fights with him) on the phone (happened more than once, he even got kicked out of his business meeting because of this once and had a panic attacks), constantly threatening to tell his wife everything, insulting him, interrogating him... e.t.c...e.t.c...

 

So as you can see I was the psycho mistress b*tch from h*ll

 

But not anymore, things have changed since the past almost two weeks. I'm not allowing him to have sex with me at all UNTIL he has filed for divorce. I haven't had sex with him at all for at least an entire month now.

 

He just left my house a while ago...

 

But if he fails me and delays this deadline even ONCE I will have NO problems kicking him to the curb.

 

In the meantime I am no longer allowing myself to be consumed or bed ridden with pain from this situation, I am actively pusuing my new busines so all is ok. I'm NOT wasting my life away as before. No way.

 

So let's see if he really will file for divorce before the month of June is over...

whatever happens... happens... I'll be ok no matter what. PLEASE don't bash me, this is how I NEED to handle this situation with this 3 month timeframe... it's not realistic for me to walk way yet... I really need to deal with this my way.

 

Do I have like the most screwed up OW/MM story in LS history or what?

Obviously you need to see this play out as it will. I won't change your mind and tell you to walk away now because it seems like he is setting it all up to be YOUR fault if things don't work out. He is not going to take ANY of the blame if you two don't end up together, he'll blame you. I hope you see that DW.

 

People who love eachother, do NOT give threats like he gave to you. "If you act this way, then we'll see if I can be with you, but if you act out or cause ME any discomfort or embarressment, it's over and I stay with my wife."

 

DW, keep busy and live life. Completely forget about him. I mean it! Make NO effort to see or talk to him. Let him do ALL the leg work, and you just do what you want to do, work and have fun.

 

Whatever is going to happen WILL happen, neither of you really know wtf is around the corner.

[No Stress Lady]

For those who know or are following my story with my MM... (he was supposed to give me his decision on St.Patrick's day, he let me know earlier) he says that if I stay calm and no longer flip out and go completely psycho that he will file for divorce within 3 months. He says he really wants to take the next month to see if we can even get along anymore with no turmoil and no fighting and wants PROOF that I am capable of changing and that we are compatible because after all the INSANITY that has happened between us the past 6 months... he's a little freaked out still and needs a little time to mend the damage.

 

He will then hire an attorney (sometime in the month of May) and file for divorce (in June) to start the divorce proccess but that if I continue my behavior towards him and do not change that he wants nothing to do with me. He says that he will not tolerate this kind of abuse anymore.

 

I don't think anybody here knows how psycho this situation made me act like. I've done things that I NEVER could have imagined myself doing. Calling him like a psycho 100 times in a row (because I slipped into panic mode during fights with him) on the phone (happened more than once, he even got kicked out of his business meeting because of this once and had a panic attacks), constantly threatening to tell his wife everything, insulting him, interrogating him... e.t.c...e.t.c...

 

So as you can see I was the psycho mistress b*tch from h*ll

 

But not anymore, things have changed since the past almost two weeks. I'm not allowing him to have sex with me at all UNTIL he has filed for divorce. I haven't had sex with him at all for at least an entire month now.

 

He just left my house a while ago...

 

But if he fails me and delays this deadline even ONCE I will have NO problems kicking him to the curb.

 

In the meantime I am no longer allowing myself to be consumed or bed ridden with pain from this situation, I am actively pusuing my new busines so all is ok. I'm NOT wasting my life away as before. No way.

 

So let's see if he really will file for divorce before the month of June is over...

whatever happens... happens... I'll be ok no matter what. PLEASE don't bash me, this is how I NEED to handle this situation with this 3 month timeframe... it's not realistic for me to walk way yet... I really need to deal with this my way.

 

Do I have like the most screwed up OW/MM story in LS history or what?

 

 

Yes you do.

 

I cannot believe you are so STUPID as to put yourself through even more of this BS.

 

More delaying tactics - WHEN are you going to come to your senses?

 

This guy is feeding you a diet of solid BS and you're asking for more? He is playing you for the biggest fool ever. Manipulating you, controlling you, stealing the best years of your life and F*****G with your mind.

 

Go ahead, waste your life...................you only get one.

[DepressedWaiting]

Again, I am NOT wasting my life. I am moving forward.

 

No, no, no... you guys are miss understanding.

 

Whichwayisup, he's NOT telling me that if I don't act a certain way that pleases him that it's over and he's staying with his wife. NO. What he's asking me is to STOP flipping out and going balistic. To STOP flipping out and calling him over and over again 50 times in a row nonstop when he says that he's in a meeting with clients and cannot talk at the moment. I just slip into complete panic mode and go psycho calling him nonstop... he answers and says he cannot talk and he will call me back later.. but I'd be so distrought I couldn't wait and would keep calling relentlessly like a mad man. He also wants to to STOP interroagting the heck out of him... I do this for HOURS when he's here at my house (NO matter WHAT he says I say he's laying and full of it) and he tries to run away from me cupping his ears with his hands and then I entrap him in my hosue and refuse to let him out UNTIL he answers my damned questions. We could NEVER NEVER get through even a single conversation or a single visit without it turning into complete chaos. Every visit he would leave shaking and completely distrought.

 

THIS is what he wants to have STOPPED. He's not saying that I must act a certain way... what he's asking for is VERY reasonable. STOP going completely balistic in other words

 

What normal sane man would want to be with somebody who behaves like that. I've snapped out of it... I really have. I'm not doing this anymore and things have improved.

 

I don't even care if he ends up blaming me again if he delays the deadline... I don't even care anymore. I really really really don't. If he delays the deadline for ANY reason I will then be FINE ending it.

 

Let me just see what happens during these 3 months, I really need to do it this way and end this my way. I know myself better than anyone, I know how I need to deal with this and finally come to a conslusion.

 

But in the meantime I am NOT wasting my life... I'm really focused on my new business.

 

I have been a complete NUT towards him, I do KNOW that what he's saying is very reasonale. Things HAVE improved and I'm no longer going to lose control like that and embarrass myself and be a total nut because of him. It's not worth it and accomplishes nothing.

[Walking away]

Forgive me, but I must say something....

 

There is nothing wrong with stepping back and reclaiming some dignity. Certainly, you cannot be happy with the way you have reacted in the past. Take control and grasp some dignity now while you can.

 

Until you take some control back for yourself, you will continue to spin out of control and go "ballistic." Let him go and let yourself heal. The best thing you can do is step back with dignity and self respect.

 

I don't think you would regret it. Having loving self respect for oneself is never wrong, in my humble opinion.

[DepressedWaiting]

Yeah, I'm starting to see that I really do have the most screwed up OW/MM story... I guess if you're going to screw up something you might as well be the best at it

 

Yikes

 

Again, things HAVE improved! And the relationsip IS mending. Doing major damage repair. He says that when he has 5 mintues of peace... nothing in this world makes him feel better than I do. I just LOVE being with him. I just HAVE to give him ONE chance to prove me wrong without constant chaos.

 

Walking Away: Sorry you were posting at the same time I was. That is exactly what I'm doing. I am stepping back and trying to reclaim my dignity. I KNOW I'm not crazy and that this isn't me. I am 100% certain. I just flipped and couldn't handle the situaton. But things are improving greatly... I just really need to take these 3 months before I walk.

[Touche]

In three months this is what I predict your script will be:

 

I'm 100% sure he will leave. He just needs more time to make SURE that this relationship will work. I mean just a few months ago I gave him HELL and went ballistic and was NUTS. I know that's not who I really am but he needs more time to be sure that that is not who I am.

 

Everything has been great the last three months and he just wants to make sure that the next three months he's asked for will be the same. He figures that if we can go 6 mos. with no problems, we can make it.

 

Also, he has lots of financial matters to attend to and only just filed for divorce so he will need the next three months to get his affairs in order. BUT if he misses that deadline, he's history and I can hold my head up high and walk away. Unless he begs me for another deadline. I'll have to make him PROVE to me that he won't miss the next deadline.

 

I've been so horrible to him, it's the least I can do.

[No Stress Lady]

Next deadline should be April Fool's Day

[scarletletter]

I don't get it. If he's so unhappy in his marriage, then why would he have to wait 3 months to see how you are going to behave? So if you act up then he will stay with his wife and if you are a good girl he will divorce her? That is absolutely insane. If he is going to leave, then he will leave regardless of how you behave. Very bazaar behavior.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

DW,

All these good people here are giving you honest advice and showing you the way that things are really happening. Yet you absolutely fail to see it!! You are even making excuses for him! When WALKINGAWAY told you to step back and take a good look at your life, you retorted that you've already done so. If you have really stepped back and looked, you wouldn't be talking this way!! You wouldn't want to get together with your MM!!

I think you are a smart girl. But you are in very deep denial right now. How can you even look your MM in the eye - let alone having him in your bed - is beyond me. I'll bet that you've completely forgotten what he's done to you. (But you will insist that you DO REMEBER.... Yeah, right!)

All I can say is this: only you can make yourself happy. Until you know how to take control of your lilfe, you will continue to ride this roller coaster.

 

This message is well intended. I do not mean to insult you, and I apologize for my harsh words. Please take care of yourself. Please, LOVE YOURSELF.

[Touche]

Scarlett, that was exactly my point as well but you articulated it better than I did. It's a very legitimate point.

 

No Stress Lady, that was funny! April Fools Day, huh? More like Dooms Day!

[DepressedWaiting]

NOWAY NOWAY NOWAY... the prediction somebody made here is incorrect. I will NOT be tolerating that.

 

I say that all the time... he would leave regardless of my behavior... but he's wanting to leave for me.

 

Not sure if that's a good thing or not.

[zarathustra]

Good one Scarlet. DW, what are you a child to him? If you are well behaved for another 3 months he will reward you with divorcing his wife? Yeah, that's real mature. How about this? Why don't you tell him to separate from his wife and get a place of his own and see if he can handle life on his own first before he jumps head first into another relationship with you. When the divorce is final, then you'll consider him a free man who you can see. I wish I had done that with my xMM... would've saved me a whole world of heartache.

[DepressedWaiting]

He doesn't want me to be a "good girl" he wants me to stop flipping out constantly and going balistic. That is reasonable.

 

He's says he is unhappy and that him and his wife do have a lot of problems. He's comfortable because of finanical reasons. Comfortabe but unhappy... drowns himself in work. He works CONSTANTLY ike you wouldn't believe. His wife also admitted they hadn't had sex in MONTHS and he's just a companion to her. His wife told me this.

 

But he is wanting to divorce for me. Why would he want to divorce for some nutcase. You guys really don't understand the complete chaos I caused HIM. Yes, he also did HORRIBLE unforgivable thigns to me as well. It went BOTH ways.

 

I have to leave, I'll be back in a few hours. All I can say is that... arghh... it's frustrating to post here so you guys really undersatnd and see EVERYTHING because you aren't seeing me in real life. Hard to explain.

[Walking away]

With all due respect to you DW,

 

your credibility is lost. I understand that. I lost credibility in my relationship, too. It is the seemingly neverending cycle of the affair. Yoyoing back and forth. Leaving and then not leaving. I understand. Pain if you stay and pain if you go. But, I feel the best thing for you to do is to distance yourself from this man now. If he wants you badly enough, he will find you. And, if he doesn't, you are all that much more further ahead in three months. And, in the bargain, you will have gained some clarity: something that is desperately needed.

 

Let the last leaf fall in this relationship....

 

But, of, course, the choice is yours....

[Touche]

Funny that you won't "TOLERATE" my prediction but you'll TOLERATE his treatment of you.

[destination_unknown]

DW, sweetheart, you have been in frying pan for so long you dont even feel yourself getting burned anymore.

 

I know it would be very hard for you to GET YOURSELF OUT of this situation, you are isolated in terms of friends and family, but dont you see that alot of your world depends on this man? Do you think that is right? It is wrong that your mental well being is dependent on the presence of another person in your life.

 

You do NOT NEED this. You have the potential to be ALOT HAPPIER without this man in your life. You need to understand that you can be happy without a man, and until you do you WILL NOT HAVE A HEALTHY relationship.

 

When you werent talking to MM you even wished for "any man" to hold you and make you feel ok. Dont you want to know that you can be ok with yourself for company? What do you feel inside yourself that makes you so uncomfortable being alone?

 

You DO HAVE THE STRENGTH to walk away, and you know if you find that strength, which i pray you do, you will find that it is SO MUCH MORE gratifying than some man loving you.

 

I REALLY, REALLY suggest you see a councellor, the councellor will not make you change your decision about MM, but you have been through the mill and it would be good to REFLECT on what has been going on.

 

I dont want to be harsh pet, but you are COMPLETELY BLINKERED here. Are you afraid to see what life would be like without all this drama in it, are you afraid it would be empty without him and this overwhelming situation? You CAN WALK AWAY. WALKING AWAY AND HEALING YOURSELF is imperitive if you want to have a relationship with MM or ANYONE for that matter.

[No Stress Lady]

With all due respect to you DW,

 

your credibility is lost. I understand that. I lost credibility in my relationship, too. It is the seemingly neverending cycle of the affair. Yoyoing back and forth. Leaving and then not leaving. I understand. Pain if you stay and pain if you go. But, I feel the best thing for you to do is to distance yourself from this man now. If he wants you badly enough, he will find you. And, if he doesn't, you are all that much more further ahead in three months. And, in the bargain, you will have gained some clarity: something that is desperately needed.

 

Let the last leaf fall in this relationship....

 

But, of, course, the choice is yours....

 

So true WalkingAway.

 

DW. you've issued ultimatums - and you've then failed to act on them. What does that tell him about you? That you're weak and he can carry on stringing you along.

 

What does that tell you about yourself? That you're weak and you'll carry on being strung along by him.

 

Golden rule: Never issue an ultimatum unless you're prepared to act on it.

[grateful]

I don't know - - it seems to me that you really truly want to be treated this way. That's why you get so defensive to any suggestions. This is BS, making it conditional on your behavior. I mean, who gets to decide if you've acted correctly? You? Him? It puts all the power in his hands. You were writing as if the St. Patty's day deadline put the power in your hands, but it was just one more opportunity for him to string you along and maintain the upper hand.

 

You have to decide to not be treated like dirt. The deadline can only come from you. I really hope that you decide to do that for yourself, to love yourself, to honor yourself, because this man and this relationship are not doing that for you.