Decision Update....

[Touche]

Just curious but you said he wants to leave for you and you're not sure that's a good think or not. What do you mean by that? Do you mean that he should just want to leave on his own and not because of you? You're right. Because the first time after he leaves (IF he leaves) and you have a fight or he doesn't like your behavior, he will regret his decision. He really needs to leave whether or not you're in the picture. Do you see that? I think you do and that's why you asked that question (about whether it's a good thing or not that he's leaving for you.)

 

Another thing I want to say. You are frustrated with posting here because you don't exactly like some of what people are saying. You say that we don't know EVERYTHING...we don't know YOU. That's very true. But we know enough of what you have said to see where this is going.

 

Some of us understand and are a little older than you. We understand that very often there IS a pattern to human behavior. A predictable pattern - regardless of who the players are. Yes, it's true.

 

And although I"ve never been with a MM, I've been in your shoes, when I was younger as far as not being able to let go of a man who was often abusive. I gave him chance after chance. Made excuse after excuse. They sounded very much like what you say. I often said to myself that I shouldn't leave since I provoked him, was mean to him sometimes, etc. etc.

 

In my opinion, what this man is doing to you IS a form of emotional abuse. And you are following the pattern of what a victim of abuse acts, says and does.

 

Don't mean to be harsh but as others have said, you are not seeing it. I certainly didn't see it when I was in it...only until I was on the other side. Everyone tried to tell me but I wouldn't listen. I sounded so much like YOU!

 

So really, I don't have to know you or know him or know more about this situation. I stand by everything I've said. You said you won't tolerate what I said, but I pray for you that you can step outside of this and take to heart what people are telling you. They're NOT wrong!

 

And I would bet every penny that I have that my "script" for you in 3 months is going to be mighty, mighty close. If you stay on this rollercoaster and don't jump off now, you'll see.

 

If you REALLY want this guy (and for the life of me I can't imagine why!) the only hope you have of getting him is to go NC with him until AFTER he's divorced. And I'd date others. Scary but it will be the BEST thing for you. Tell him to not call you until after he's free. Bet you won't do it though.

 

I PRAY you don't waste more time with him. I wasted NINE YEARS of my life from my 20's into my early 30's with the man I spoke of. Believe me, I regret it. I can NEVER have those years back. Wish now that I had listened and not told everybody, you don't REALLY know how it is, you don't know our situation, you're not there (sound familiar?)

 

I really wish you strength and wisdom to free yourself from this madness and to REALLY begin your life for the first time ever.

[Lishy]

I think it's a good idea to wait!

 

If you dont go crazy on him again you will deserve him and then you will just have to wait until just after christmas 2012 when he sorts out his finances! Or maybe he will make you wait until he has his first grandchild! I am glad you have such heart to hearts with his wife, thats a nice thing for you to do!

 

Happy waiting! You sound like the perfect match!

[lizad]

Being in an affair can def. have you do things you probably wouldnt normally do........its such an emotional rollercoaster.........

has anyone seen the movie "match point"...........

if not, you really should. After I saw it, I have to tell you it def. made me open my eyes..........

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Touche, actually DW meant that she won't be tolerating him making another deadline. She wasn't saying that she doesn't tolerate your prediction.

[whichwayisup]

Do I have like the most screwed up OW/MM story in LS history or what?

 

Yeah, I'm starting to see that I really do have the most screwed up OW/MM story... I guess if you're going to screw up something you might as well be the best at it

 

DW, keep your sense of humour. I'm glad you can do that!

Hey, it's a toss up between you and Mandy & the dentist!

[Touche]

Touche, actually DW meant that she won't be tolerating him making another deadline. She wasn't saying that she doesn't tolerate your prediction.

 

Oh shoot! Is that what she meant? I guess I misunderstood. Thanks, KHLF, for clearing that up.

[DepressedWaiting]

Yes, that's what I meant. I meant I won't tolerate him delaying any deadlines... not what you said. I hear everything you guys are saying... I just need the next 3 months to chill out and see what happens and then I will be ok ending it. Believe me I WILL.

 

I just need to do this my way. I know exactly what I need to do

I just need to get to that point beofre walking away is realistic for me. IN the meantime, I'm NOT wasting my life! I am pursing my new business everyday which is EXACTLY what I would be doing if I weren't invovled in this situation.

 

Also.. if by some MIRACLE he did file for divorce... I plan on ending all contact then completely once he files for divorce until the divorce as been finalized. I kow filing for divorce can be done in a month... that process happens quickly... the part that takes long is finalizing it.

 

I've read interesting articles on divorce such as:

http://www.divorceinfo.com/howlong.htm

 

I didn't even know or realize that MOST divorces do not end up in court like mos people think. On average most divorces take maybe 6 months or less to finalize unless there is a custody battle involved e.t.c. My MM cannot have kids (he shoots blanks)... so he cannot breed

 

But if it does go to court... I read from an attorney that this is when divorces can take over a year to finalize because here in Florida the court are dealing with so many cases it takes them forever to even get to your case. So once he filed for divorce... that's when the real test comes. I will be ending all contat then IF that happens.

 

I just need the next 3 months to see if he really files for divorce... IF not... it WILL be permanently over.

 

I know I haven't handled the situation right and that he's treating me like crap having me on the side for so long... but in return I have giving him h*ll... constant relentless h*ll to the point where he physically shakes telling me that he REFUSES to take my abuse anymore. So it goes both ways. BUT... it's HAS improved... literally overnight. As crazy as it sounds... I just snapped out of it. I'm also NOT having any sex with him whatsoever anymore... it's actually been over an entire month now that I think about it.

 

I don't know... maybe I'd have better luck at trying lesbianism

 

EDIT: Ignore any typos... sorry I'm really tired.

[erika2610]

Yes, that's what I meant. I meant I won't tolerate him delaying any deadlines... not what you said. I hear everything you guys are saying... I just need the next 3 months to chill out and see what happens and then I will be ok ending it. Believe me I WILL.

 

I just need to do this my way. I know exactly what I need to do

I just need to get to that point beofre walking away is realistic for me. IN the meantime, I'm NOT wasting my life! I am pursing my new business everyday which is EXACTLY what I would be doing if I weren't invovled in this situation.

 

Also.. if by some MIRACLE he did file for divorce... I plan on ending all contact then completely once he files for divorce until the divorce as been finalized. I kow filing for divorce can be done in a month... that process happens quickly... the part that takes long is finalizing it.

 

I've read interesting articles on divorce such as:

http://www.divorceinfo.com/howlong.htm

 

I didn't even know or realize that MOST divorces do not end up in court like mos people think. On average most divorces take maybe 6 months or less to finalize unless there is a custody battle involved e.t.c. My MM cannot have kids (he shoots blanks)... so he cannot breed

 

But if it does go to court... I read from an attorney that this is when divorces can take over a year to finalize because here in Florida the court are dealing with so many cases it takes them forever to even get to your case. So once he filed for divorce... that's when the real test comes. I will be ending all contat then IF that happens.

 

I just need the next 3 months to see if he really files for divorce... IF not... it WILL be permanently over.

 

I know I haven't handled the situation right and that he's treating me like crap having me on the side for so long... but in return I have giving him h*ll... constant relentless h*ll to the point where he physically shakes telling me that he REFUSES to take my abuse anymore. So it goes both ways. BUT... it's HAS improved... literally overnight. As crazy as it sounds... I just snapped out of it. I'm also NOT having any sex with him whatsoever anymore... it's actually been over an entire month now that I think about it.

 

I don't know... maybe I'd have better luck at trying lesbianism

 

EDIT: Ignore any typos... sorry I'm really tired.

 

You'll be ending all contact with him if he files for divorce? Maybe I'm just too tired or stupid, I dunno.. but why? And WHY in the world do you keep putting yourself through this? Don't you have any self respect?

[Ladylay]

From your old thread re deadline

P.S- I can honestly without a doubt say that I will be able to let go when that date rolls around and no action has taken place. 100% absolutely positive.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't think anybody here knows how psycho this situation made me act like. I've done things that I NEVER could have imagined myself doing. Calling him like a psycho 100 times in a row (because I slipped into panic mode during fights with him) on the phone (happened more than once, he even got kicked out of his business meeting because of this once and had a panic attacks), constantly threatening to tell his wife everything, insulting him, interrogating him... e.t.c...e.t.c...

 

So as you can see I was the psycho mistress b*tch from h*ll

 

You sound like a nightmare:D

To be honest, I cant understand why he would want to be with you.

 

Your behaviour will not change overnight, as hard as you try, You are not going to suddenley become "sweetness & light"

This situation [hell] you are living through, has not changed.

He still goes home to his wife.

How can you now handle that?

Sorry if this sounds harsh.

[OldEurope]

I don't get this at all. Why don't you just stop seeing him altogether, and then if he absolutely cannot live without you, in three months, two months, one month...he will come for you, divorce papers in hand.

 

The BEST improved comportment you could demonstrate to him at this point is cool, calm self respect. That is, "MM, I have been up and down this road with you spinning into a brick wall with every promise of a visit to a divorce lawyer from you. It got to the point two months ago where I had something of a break down--and one that completely humiliated me in front of your W. Therefore, I want a complete break. You know who I am, and how much I love you. But I am afraid that the only time I can see or hear from you next, is when you are totally free to do so. All or nothing at this point".

 

THAT, my dear, would be the "behavior" he most needs to see. He won't respect you unless you respect yourself.

 

True love does not go on probation.

 

 

Best,

 

OE

 

 

"To say 'I Love You', one must first know how to say the 'I'"--Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

[erika2610]

Yes, that's what I meant. I meant I won't tolerate him delaying any deadlines... not what you said. I hear everything you guys are saying... I just need the next 3 months to chill out and see what happens and then I will be ok ending it. Believe me I WILL.

 

I just need to do this my way. I know exactly what I need to do

I just need to get to that point beofre walking away is realistic for me. IN the meantime, I'm NOT wasting my life! I am pursing my new business everyday which is EXACTLY what I would be doing if I weren't invovled in this situation.

 

Also.. if by some MIRACLE he did file for divorce... I plan on ending all contact then completely once he files for divorce until the divorce as been finalized. I kow filing for divorce can be done in a month... that process happens quickly... the part that takes long is finalizing it.

 

I've read interesting articles on divorce such as:

http://www.divorceinfo.com/howlong.htm

 

I didn't even know or realize that MOST divorces do not end up in court like mos people think. On average most divorces take maybe 6 months or less to finalize unless there is a custody battle involved e.t.c. My MM cannot have kids (he shoots blanks)... so he cannot breed

 

But if it does go to court... I read from an attorney that this is when divorces can take over a year to finalize because here in Florida the court are dealing with so many cases it takes them forever to even get to your case. So once he filed for divorce... that's when the real test comes. I will be ending all contat then IF that happens.

 

I just need the next 3 months to see if he really files for divorce... IF not... it WILL be permanently over.

 

I know I haven't handled the situation right and that he's treating me like crap having me on the side for so long... but in return I have giving him h*ll... constant relentless h*ll to the point where he physically shakes telling me that he REFUSES to take my abuse anymore. So it goes both ways. BUT... it's HAS improved... literally overnight. As crazy as it sounds... I just snapped out of it. I'm also NOT having any sex with him whatsoever anymore... it's actually been over an entire month now that I think about it.

 

I don't know... maybe I'd have better luck at trying lesbianism

 

EDIT: Ignore any typos... sorry I'm really tired.

 

You say you need to get to that point DW. But when is that point going to be? 10 years down the road when you wake up and realize you've wasted the last 10 or so years of your life? While you're sitting there waiting for this guy to finally decide you're behaving well enough for him, you could be focusing your energy on finding a single man who won't put you through this. LadyLay's right.. you can't just change your behavior overnight either. It sounds like you've been like this for a while ..'psycho'. That's not just going to go away..

[newbby]

I don't get this at all. Why don't you just stop seeing him altogether, and then if he absolutely cannot live without you, in three months, two months, one month...he will come for you, divorce papers in hand.

 

The BEST improved comportment you could demonstrate to him at this point is cool, calm self respect. That is, "MM, I have been up and down this road with you spinning into a brick wall with every promise of a visit to a divorce lawyer from you. It got to the point two months ago where I had something of a break down--and one that completely humiliated me in front of your W. Therefore, I want a complete break. You know who I am, and how much I love you. But I am afraid that the only time I can see or hear from you next, is when you are totally free to do so. All or nothing at this point".

 

THAT, my dear, would be the "behavior" he most needs to see. He won't respect you unless you respect yourself.

 

True love does not go on probation.

 

 

Best,

 

OE

 

 

"To say 'I Love You', one must first know how to say the 'I'"--Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

good post,

and some other excellent posts, especially by walking away.

DW,

you feel out of control frequently, because you are out of control. at least you are completely in his control. it doesnt matter how clearly and firmly you state otherwise, your actions of hanging around waiting for him show otherwise. he will lose respect for you.

take the control back of your life, do what suits you, accept nothing less than what you want. you want him to be divorced, then dont accept him in your life unless he is. this is the only language that will be heard. men, even more than women, hear actions louder than words. he probably doesnt even hear your words, he just hears hassle.

the only thing he will sit up and take notice of is you leaving him, until he is divorced.

[Touche]

You'll be ending all contact with him if he files for divorce? Maybe I'm just too tired or stupid, I dunno.. but why? And WHY in the world do you keep putting yourself through this? Don't you have any self respect?

 

I thought it was me...no, you're not alone Erika. I don't get it either. You will hang around waiting to see if he files but once he files you will get out of his life until the divorce is final? I honestly don't get that either?

 

What's your thinking on that?

[DepressedWaiting]

Because once he files he can still back out. I'm not going to be in his life then until it has been finalized.

 

Again, I'm taking the next 3 months to see what happens... no matter what... either way... whether he files or ot... I won't be in his life anymore. Period. It's really that simple.

 

Yes, my behavior towards him has changed overnight. I have never gone two weeks before without any chaos. I really did just snap out of it. No, I can't handle him going home to his wife anymore... but that doesn't mean I should flip out as before and call him a 100 times in a row (get him kicked out of meetings in front of his clients) in a complete fit or have it escalate into huge fights.

 

Of course he's freaked out by me after witnessing all this.

 

Edit: On a side note, you should have seen my cell phone bill... it was literally 103 calls in one day. Usually in the past whenever I would flip out it would be maybe 60 calls. So that day I even broke my own record!

 

Sorry, I know not funny...

[whichwayisup]

DW, actually hon, he can back out anytime. There is no guarantee either way. Right now he is in NO position to be making you any promises. He is very messed up, emotional and going through alot, as are you.

 

I do hope for the best for you, as long as you're happy. I'm just not 100% sure if what you two have is salvagable. Time will tell.

[scarletletter]

All of the advice you have been given here...and very good advice. I recommend taking some of it and moving on. It sounds like a very unhealthy relationship for you both and even if he does leave his wife for you, what then? You are still going to be the same two people who constantly worry that the other is going to freak out over anything. Why in the he*l are you ding this to yourself. I'll be damned if some man would ever tell me to wait three months to see if I chill out and then he will decide if he is going to leave his wife. I am hardly ever critical or judgemental on this post but he is really getting under my skin and I don't even know him. You need to just forget about him all together, easier said than done, but I don't know of one person here who thinks you are doing the right thing. So you have caused some turmoil in his life...who cares!!! He brought it on by deciding to have a relationship with you. MOVE ON!!! NOW!! RUN...DON'T WALK FAR, FAR AWAY FROM THIS MAN.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I just need the next 3 months to chill out and see what happens and then I will be ok ending it.

 

I was confused for a moment.

 

DW is starting to sound just like her married man!

[Seen_It_All]

That's MY question as well.

 

Why does YOUR relationship with him dictate whether he'll get a divorce or not?

 

If he's in a horrible marriage and feels it's time to end it, then he should simply END IT because that's the RIGHT thing to do. Not because you're 'behaving' or not.

 

What the he*ll is wrong with this guy?

[DepressedWaiting]

I say that to him all the time. If his marriage is so horrible then he would end it regardless of whether I exist or not.

 

He says that is incorrect and that I am wrong. He says people stay in uncomfortable marriages their whole lives sometimes and that people do it all the time. He says he is unhappy in his marriage but doesn't know whether he would divorce or not if I did not exist but that this should not concern me. He says he has a lot of problems with his wife and is not comfortable in his marriage.

 

He then tells me it is absurd for me to think this way because I DO exist and that I am worth it to him and that he will go through with it.

 

He's not wanting me to"behave"... he just wants to see if we can even get along anymore. Just think about this... we could not get through a single conversation or a single visit without constant fighting and it turning into complete chaos. Everytime I would talk to him or he would come over it would turn into a 3 HOUR fight! Every single time... and I'm not exaggerating. Then I would also constantly go psycho on him, call him 100 times in a row, get him kicked out of meetings, slapped him once... I even spit in his face once. I have NEVER ever done that to anybody before in my entire life and never will again. I actually spit in his face.

 

I mean I am a complete nightmare to him, of course he's scared and a little wary of me now. He wants to be sure that we are even compatible anymore after all this h*ll before he makes the biggest move of his life.

 

He says nothing in his entire life has caused him so much pain and grief as I have to him. Why on earth would ANY man want to divorce and come to this if they think this is how it's always going to be.

.

[Walking away]

Read what you just wrote....and then read it again...

 

Why would you want to BE that woman anymore? You have ALLOWED yourself to be this way. Do not allow that any longer. Pull pack and show some dignity. In the process you will gain back some self respect for yourself. Love yourself. Take care of YOU. And regain some control in a situation that has been spinning completely out of control.

 

I promise, you would not regret it.

[whichwayisup]

I think your MM brings out the worst you in. He has allowed you to treat him badly, and stuck around to take it. Each of you feed from eachother and for him to put ALL the blame on you, is crazy. He has had a HUGE part in why you've been reacting a certain way to him. He's made YOU feel crazy because he can't make a final decision about WHO he wants.

[DepressedWaiting]

I'm not like that anymore, I've snapped out of it. He constantly tells me that if I do not change he wants nothing to do with me because he refuses to take anymore abuse from me.

 

I told him feelings are mutual I also won't take this bullsh*t abuse anymore from HIM either of being had on the side and that I deserve more than this and that if he cannot give me that in that case the h*ll with him.

[Walking away]

I think your MM brings out the worst you in. He has allowed you to treat him badly, and stuck around to take it. Each of you feed from eachother and for him to put ALL the blame on you, is crazy. He has had a HUGE part in why you've been reacting a certain way to him. He's made YOU feel crazy because he can't make a final decision about WHO he wants.

 

I agree. Crazy making behavior. BUT, she can make the choice to remove herself from it.

[DepressedWaiting]

Whichwayisup, it's not WHO he wants... it's his money. This I can guarantee you 100%.

 

It's his money, no doubt on this one.

[Walking away]

Okay, so he is choosing money over you? Why again do you want to be with him?