Decision Update....

[erika2610]

Whichwayisup, it's not WHO he wants... it's his money. This I can guarantee you 100%.

 

It's his money, no doubt on this one.

 

Ugh.. you guys already have such a crap history, that I don't see you having any better of a future. Muster up some self respect, and just leave. As Walking Away said, you will NOT regret it.. why would you let somebody treat you like this?

[No Stress Lady]

Ugh.. you guys already have such a crap history, that I don't see you having any better of a future. Muster up some self respect, and just leave. As Walking Away said, you will NOT regret it.. why would you let somebody treat you like this?

 

Couldn't agree more Erica

 

And, as WWIU said, this is a sick relationship which is self-feeding - I don't really know why DW bothers posting on an advice forum, she's not prepared to take on board anything anyone says - the whole situation sounds like something from a really trashy magazine - why would anyone want to live like this? Pretty tragic in my opinion. What a waste of DW's life and everyone else's time.................

[Walking away]

You know, and I thought MY life was bad.....

[whichwayisup]

Couldn't agree more Erica

 

And, as WWIU said, this is a sick relationship which is self-feeding - I don't really know why DW bothers posting on an advice forum, she's not prepared to take on board anything anyone says - the whole situation sounds like something from a really trashy magazine - why would anyone want to live like this? Pretty tragic in my opinion. What a waste of DW's life and everyone else's time.................

 

It isn't a waste of time. We're helping her in some way, and she is venting here. It's not cool to slam someone's life. Whether you like it or not, it's her life!

 

It's so easy to sit and judge, say I would do THIS if I were in that situation, etc., problem is, most DON'T know for sure, unless it's happening to you. Feelings change, different mindsets take over, making simple choices get harder when you're not thinking clearly or allowing emotions to take over.

 

I don't look at my post replying as a waste of time, in some way DW is getting help from all of us.

[No Stress Lady]

It isn't a waste of time. We're helping her in some way, and she is venting here. It's not cool to slam someone's life. Whether you like it or not, it's her life!

 

It's so easy to sit and judge, say I would do THIS if I were in that situation, etc., problem is, most DON'T know for sure, unless it's happening to you. Feelings change, different mindsets take over, making simple choices get harder when you're not thinking clearly or allowing emotions to take over.

 

I don't look at my post replying as a waste of time, in some way DW is getting help from all of us.

 

I don't think seeking and giving advice is a waste of anyone's time. I accept I should have phrased that differently with hindsight.

 

And yes, it's DW's life but if she wants to vent on an advice forum she has to expect all kinds of responses. From the fluffy posts to the harsh ones.

[DepressedWaiting]

Like I've said... but nobody is listening... it's NOT like this anymore. I have snapped out of it. We are enjoying each others time together and are making progress and doing major damage repair.

 

Did I go crazy and act out of control? Yes, because the situation just made me nuts from all the PAIN. Constant pain which I couldn't seem to escape. It was horrible. I'm no longer allowing some man to have so much power over me.

 

I'm NOT going to allow him to have me on the side anymore. I'm NOT having sex with him anymore either. I am giving him LESS than 3 months to file for divorce, if he doesn't do so... OR he delays it I will be ENDING this.

 

Yes, a lot of chaos has happened but it is NOTHING that cannot be repaired. If it weren't for this situation I get along with him VERY well with no problems at all. It's this bullsh*t situation which got the best of me and I'm no longer going to allow it. He's got less than 3 months... whatever happens... happens.

 

Either I'm worth the risk to him and he wants me and is willing to do what it takes... or I'm not. If he really wants to stay with his wife in that case the H*LL with him!!!!!!!! Yuck!!!!!!!!!

[OldEurope]

....I have NEVER ever done that to anybody before in my entire life and never will again. I actually spit in his face.

 

I mean I am a complete nightmare to him, of course he's scared and a little wary of me now. He wants to be sure that we are even compatible anymore after all this h*ll before he makes the biggest move of his life.

 

He says nothing in his entire life has caused him so much pain and grief as I have to him. Why on earth would ANY man want to divorce and come to this if they think this is how it's always going to be.

.

 

Ummmm....Not to be to state the obvious, but you are answering your own questions here. He hasn't divorced his wife and married you because you seem to give little reason as to why he would WANT to marry you.

[erika2610]

I say that to him all the time. If his marriage is so horrible then he would end it regardless of whether I exist or not.

 

He says that is incorrect and that I am wrong. He says people stay in uncomfortable marriages their whole lives sometimes and that people do it all the time. He says he is unhappy in his marriage but doesn't know whether he would divorce or not if I did not exist but that this should not concern me. He says he has a lot of problems with his wife and is not comfortable in his marriage.

 

He then tells me it is absurd for me to think this way because I DO exist and that I am worth it to him and that he will go through with it.

 

He's not wanting me to"behave"... he just wants to see if we can even get along anymore. Just think about this... we could not get through a single conversation or a single visit without constant fighting and it turning into complete chaos. Everytime I would talk to him or he would come over it would turn into a 3 HOUR fight! Every single time... and I'm not exaggerating. Then I would also constantly go psycho on him, call him 100 times in a row, get him kicked out of meetings, slapped him once... I even spit in his face once. I have NEVER ever done that to anybody before in my entire life and never will again. I actually spit in his face.

 

I mean I am a complete nightmare to him, of course he's scared and a little wary of me now. He wants to be sure that we are even compatible anymore after all this h*ll before he makes the biggest move of his life.

 

He says nothing in his entire life has caused him so much pain and grief as I have to him. Why on earth would ANY man want to divorce and come to this if they think this is how it's always going to be.

.

 

So you spat in his face and he's told you nothing's ever brought him so much pain and grief? Sounds like a great relationship Again.. why do you do this to yourself? To me, it just doesn't sound like it's worth it.

[erika2610]

It isn't a waste of time. We're helping her in some way, and she is venting here. It's not cool to slam someone's life. Whether you like it or not, it's her life!

 

It's so easy to sit and judge, say I would do THIS if I were in that situation, etc., problem is, most DON'T know for sure, unless it's happening to you. Feelings change, different mindsets take over, making simple choices get harder when you're not thinking clearly or allowing emotions to take over.

 

I don't look at my post replying as a waste of time, in some way DW is getting help from all of us.

 

Alright.. nobody's judging. Some of us here just don't understand why somebody would put themselves through what she's put herself through. She deserves better. I think I can see where NoStressLady is coming from.. DW jumps on the defense and starts getting mad when somebody posts something she doesn't want to hear. That's frustrating. When you post over and over to a certain person, giving them the best advice you can, and you don't feel as if they are taking anything away from it. Nobody's 'slamming' her life.. just trying to get a better understanding, and make her realize she deserves better at the same time.

[DepressedWaiting]

I am hearing what you guys are saying and I'm not disagreeing with it. I just need the next 3 months to myself and sort things out in my own way on my own terms.

 

Believe me, this WILL be coming to an end VERY soon because I'm not going to put msyelf through this h*ll and constant pain anymore.

 

Yes, I am giving him VERY little reason to divorce these past several months. But the way I see it, he had PLENTY of time to divorce BEFORE it EVER escalated to this level.

 

I tell him this all the time. I tell him if he didn't divorce back then what would suddenly make him divorce now. His response is that he see's this has gone on way way way too long and that he needs to take action because this cannot continue on any longer and that he's not the type of man to have two women in his life and tobe doing this. Oh really, he's not? Hmmmmm...

[erika2610]

I am hearing what you guys are saying and I'm not disagreeing with it. I just need the next 3 months to myself and sort things out in my own way on my own terms.

 

Believe me, this WILL be coming to an end VERY soon because I'm not going to put msyelf through this h*ll and constant pain anymore.

 

Yes, I am giving him VERY little reason to divorce these past several months. But the way I see it, he had PLENTY of time to divorce BEFORE it EVER escalated to this level.

 

I tell him this all the time. I tell him if he didn't divorce back then what would suddenly make him divorce now. His response is that he see's this has gone on way way way too long and that he needs to take action because this cannot continue on any longer and that he's not the type of man to have two women in his life and tobe doing this. Oh really, he's not? Hmmmmm...

 

Duh yea.. he obviously is the type to have 2 women at the same time in his life. I dunno. I mean you're going to do what you want to do.. obviously, but I think you should think about leaving. Think about all he's put you through. With so much history between you 2, I don't know if things can ever really be normal between you guys.. there's already so much bitterness & hostility there. Are you behaving 'well enough' for him so far?

[DepressedWaiting]

Yes, for the past two weeks we have not gotten into any fights and I have backed off. Frankly, he is a bit shocked and surprised because we could never get through a single conversation or visit before without MAJOR chaos. I'm not talking just a little arguing here and there... I'm talking a full out battle which would last days beyond. He said he was giving up on me and ever getting along... now it's improving and he has hope.

 

He has anxiety disorder and he cannot deal with pressure and stress and he says he NEEDS my support and not me fighting against him all the time. That after all the h*ll and chaos he is very worried if we are even compatible anymore. Now he says he is getting hope and if this continues things will be changing soon. Guess we'll see about that.

 

I am giving him one month... the month of April... if after this one month he does not start searching and hiring a divorce attorney in the month of May and start preparing to file for divorce a.s.a.p. before the month of June is over I will be ending it right then.

 

This gives him less than 3 months to hire an attorney and also file for divorce. I think that is PLENTY of time.

[newbby]

i dont know hun. it seems to me that he has the perfect back out clause lined up. all he has to do is wait for your inevitable flip out....

[DepressedWaiting]

True, but if he chooses to do that in that case no problem, he can blame it on me all he wants. That will just prove who he really is and how screwed up he is. No matter what, I will not be apart of this anymore after June.

 

He has been asking and asking and asking... even begged for me to please change my ways towards him because I am impossible to deal with and no man whould even want to be within 100 feet of me by the way that I am towards him. So fine, I will give him what he is asking. NEVER have before... let's see if it really does make the difference that he says it will.

 

I say it won't... he says it WILL. So fine, I'll do it his way for once.

 

He says he was about to make the biggest move of his life and lose half of everything he has for me and for what he says? All I do is insult him, fight with him, harrass him, interrogate him, even slapped him once and call him a liar constantly no matter what he says.

 

So I guess all this has made him think we are not compatible... I wonder why.

 

He claims that he WOULD have filed for divorce by now if that warehouse indicdence had not happened. I went and told his wife he was hiding assets up north. He flipped out, I flipped out... all h*ll broke lose. Sick.

 

BUT, not anymore... I am giving him what he is asking for... let's see if he's bluffing.

[erika2610]

True, but if he chooses to do that in that case no problem, he can blame it on me all he wants. That will just prove who he really is and how screwed up he is. No matter what, I will not be apart of this anymore after June.

 

He has been asking and asking and asking... even begged for me to please change my ways towards him because I am impossible to deal with and no man whould even want to be within 100 feet of me by the way that I am towards him. So fine, I will give him what he is asking. NEVER have before... let's see if it really does make the difference that he says it will.

 

I say it won't... he says it WILL. So fine, I'll do it his way for once.

 

He says he was about to make the biggest move of his life and lose half of everything he has for me and for what he says? All I do is insult him, fight with him, harrass him, interrogate him, even slapped him once and call him a liar constantly no matter what he says.

 

So I guess all this has made him think we are not compatible... I wonder why.

 

He claims that he WOULD have filed for divorce by now if that warehouse indicdence had not happened. I went and told his wife he was hiding assets up north. He flipped out, I flipped out... all h*ll broke lose. Sick.

 

BUT, not anymore... I am giving him what he is asking for... let's see if he's bluffing.

 

You 2 don't sound very compatible at all. I'm sorry, but how either of you think this is ever going to work out in the long run is completely beyond me..

[DepressedWaiting]

We are compatible, it's this situation and how he's having me on the side I cannot handle it amd is making me crazy. But that doesn't mean that I have to flip out and re-act in that way.

 

If it weren't for this situation I could get along with him just fine. It has only been like this the past year... that's when the turmoil started and that has him wigged out.

[erika2610]

We are compatible, it's this situation and how he's having me on the side I cannot handle it amd is making me crazy. But that doesn't mean that I have to flip out and re-act in that way.

 

If it weren't for this situation I could get along with him just fine. It has only been like this the past year... that's when the turmoil started and that has him wigged out.

 

Ya know, I flipped out on my MM too. But never did I spit in his face or let him tell me nothing's ever brought him so much pain and grief. Eventually, - you will flip out again. You can't just change your personality over night like that. Have you sat back and thought about everything you've been through? Have you thought about how unhealthy it is?

[DepressedWaiting]

I will post updates. No, that is NOT my personality. It's not. I have been pushed to my emotional limit... way beyond it. I KNOW myself, the way I have been is strictly because of the situation.

 

I might not know anything at all but this I do know. This is not an issue whatsoever... I actually just haven't cared... so I went into distruction mode with him. I fiqured who cares... look at what he's doing... I'll give him h*ll.

 

The level pf pain has made me do extreme things out of the norm.

 

It's NOT my personality.

[Touche]

With all due respect it IS your personality, as I see it. That is how you deal with conflict - spit, slap, yell, etc. etc.

 

You know, if you get what you want and he leaves his wife, there WILL be other problems. No one is immune to problems..issues will come up that you will not both agree on. You both have a terrible history of dealing with things. In my opinion, that just suddenly isn't going to disappear.

 

You're on your best behavior now because you want him to do what you want. But I guarantee that the minute you get what you want out of him (assuming you will) you'll be going back to your old ways when you get your way.

 

I agree that you too are bad for each other. You abuse and he takes it and takes it and then leaves. That's the pattern...and it won't just go away.

 

Print this out and see if I'm wrong. You two are NOT compatible. Just because for the last 2 weeks you haven't had a blow-out, doesn't mean you're compatible.

 

How will you handle things when he really makes you mad in the future and does/says something you don't agree with? Do you honestly think you're pattern of yelling, slapping, threatening and spitting will just disappear? That it was just this situation that brought this out in you? No.

 

Think about this.

[DepressedWaiting]

This is NOT correct and I'm not going to argue about it. NO, it is NOT my personality. NO, this is NOT the way I would deal with it if he ever got me angry.

 

It is this SITUATION causing me to react this way. HE would be the one doing the majority of the yelling, he would get furious because I would not accept his "lies" and wouldn't accept anything he told me. This would make him FURIOUS. I then retaliated out of pure hurt and pain and it would escalate.

 

NO, I would NEVER react this way no matter what or how angry or upset I would become if he were single... it is this situation. I know EXACTLY what I'm talking about in regards to this issue.

 

Yes, it IS the situation that has brought this out in me because every single second I am with him I am thinking that no matter what I do he is going to screw me over either way. I am consumed with so much pain I could not even enjoy his company anymore. PAIN took over and made me go balistic. Think what you want but for the first time you guys are VERY wrong.

 

It is NOT my personality, it is the SITUAION that made me react the way I did. I KNOW myself, I would have no problem admitting otherwise. But I KNOW myself, I have not been msyelf due to this SITUATION.

 

When somone is experiencing the intense EXTREME level of pain... pain I was so DESPERATE to get rid of but couldn't... they do stupid crazy thigns out of the norm. Of course it's the situation. This is NOT who I am and I'm not arguing about it. It's silly.

 

I am not going to react that way anymore. It is childish and does not accomplish anything. There is no need for me to be like that.

[DepressedWaiting]

Actually, you just proved my point. The same way that you think this is who I am... my MM fears the same. So I guess you now see my MM's point.

 

I KNOW it's not who I am. I guess if I don't want people to think suchs thigns of me then I shouldn't have been like that! But the PAIN and anxiety... constantly relentless pain and anxiety over this situation that would not go away... I became balistic from it. I did not handle it correctly and neither did he. HE was the cause of it... him and his bullsh*t.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

You say YOU are giving him three months (even though HE is the one that said he needed these three months to see if you have changed). But, when he leaves his wife you are going to go NC.

 

You are talking and talking and along the way, you are taking what HIS terms are and allowing yourself to believe that they are YOUR terms.

 

You have also said that when (if) he does leave his wife that you are going to go NC, that no matter what you are no longer going to be involved in this ... it seems to me as if you want him to leave, not b/c you really want him, but because you want him to not have ANYONE ... more as a way to get back at him for all the hurt and pain he has put you through?

[DepressedWaiting]

Again, very wrong. I am telling HIM 3 that he has 3 months. Not him. He didn't give me ANY timeframe whatsoever and REFUSES to even discusss a timeframe until he's sure I've chnaged my ways. I am the one putting my foot down and saying in that case he has until the end of June or it is over.

 

No, I do want him.... once he files hoeevre I do not want to be involved with him until it is finalized. Who knows if once he files he's going to start dragging thigns out or back out.

[Ladylay]

DW

Do your parents know about your situation?

If so what is there take on it?

I know your not a child, however they have also known him a long time.

I just wondered if you had someone in the real world to talk to

[StrivingtoSucceed]

For those who know or are following my story with my MM... (he was supposed to give me his decision on St.Patrick's day, he let me know earlier) he says that if I stay calm and no longer flip out and go completely psycho that he will file for divorce within 3 months.

 

This is the first paragraph of this post ... from you. How is it now that it is your terms and not his?

 

I'm not trying to upset you, but from an outsider's perspective, and from reading all your posts, you keep taking his terms and making them yours and then are very adamant that they are your terms.