Decision Update....

[genegri]

sounds like both you and your mm just enjoy the drama. oh well. go for it then.

[DepressedWaiting]

No I do not like drama nor does he. We have already been over this in another thread.

 

Let's get it very clear. His terms are that he refuses to mvoe forward until I chnage ways ways towards him and refuses to dicuss any timrframes until he is certain I've changed my ways.

 

My terms are that no problem, I will change my ways because yes I have been driving him crzy. He has LESS than 3 months to file. He has the whole month of april to take it easy with me... if after that entire monht of peace he doesn't start seraching and hiring a divorce attonry in the month of May and doesn't file before June is over... then we are through.

 

That is what we ended it on... simple as that.

 

If he starts saying he hasn't had enough time... then the h*ll with him. He can take it or leave it. I am through with this BS.

[RecordProducer]

His terms are that he refuses to mvoe forward until I chnage ways ways towards him and refuses to dicuss any timrframes until he is certain I've changed my ways.

In his 45-year old book, this means: NEVER. He is not so dumb to think that you will change over night. He just wants you to change, period.

 

He has the whole month of april to take it easy with me... if after that entire month of peace he doesn't start seraching and hiring a divorce attonry in the month of May and doesn't file before June is over... then we are through.

A "whole month"? You can jump on your left leg for a whole month just to get what you want. Try to be nice for a year.

 

And try to think with HIS head, not yours. You might figure him out better. The due time should not be June, but... yesterday! You can't realize that until he sees that you're gone and maintain no contact for a few months, he won't do anything.

 

If you want him divorced next year, dump him today!

[OzGirl]

Oh GOD can I relate to this.... getting psycho, being told he needs time to see if I'm worthy of him....

 

These are delay tactics.

 

Firstly, your psycho behaviour has just been you out of control crazy. Ask yourself - why? Did he put you in a position to be? Of course he did. So what if you've said and done things like an obsessed lover.... that's exactly what he's been reaping the benefits from for a while, hasn't he? That you're obsessed with him - and BOY doesn't he know it. He probably thinks if he asked you to roll on your back and bark like a dog, and THEN he'll divorce his W, you'd do it before he even finished his sentence.

 

Ask yourself - WHY is he putting a condition on this? He either wants to be with you or he doesn't.

 

The delaying tactic is doing NOTHING but proving his control over you.

 

Throw HIM on his back. YOU tell him that you're NOT INTERESTED in him because he CLEARLY has no obsession to be with you. And, STICK TO IT.

 

He'll be SO sure you can't stick to that. Prove him wrong. Make him fret.

 

Men like to be the cat in this game (remember when you first met him? I bet he was, right?). How the chase has turned for you.

 

I could exchange psycho obsessed behaviour stories, and give you a LIST of "if you" promises to leave the W, and the countless threats I made to end it that I didn't follow through with - either I got too weak, or he coerced me back.

 

From psycho to psychic - let me tell you now. The future is nothing but a lot of pain and tears. You can't go around it. Just go through it with dignity, with control by being the one who instigates it, and let the time that you're over it be as soon as possible. It could take 12 months, so get it over and done with.

 

We'll all be here for you when your world falls apart, and you'll be here to help other people when their world falls apart and you're wiser for the experience you've had and know that the only good thing to really come out of this is to be a fall-catcher, not a fall guy for a guy who doesn't really love you.

[Lishy]

DW you sound about 12 years old! Grow up and realise that he aint leaving no-one (except you, and he will blame YOU for that)

 

You have anger issues and he is riling you up and accusing you of being nuts! Apart from the fact that he is a lying cheating asswipe, he is manipulating you and you are too blind to see it! Your personality is aggressive or you would not be able to react in that manner and he is bringing out the worst in you!

 

Ask yourself this ...... Why do you want him?

[erika2610]

DW you sound about 12 years old! Grow up and realise that he aint leaving no-one (except you, and he will blame YOU for that)

 

You have anger issues and he is riling you up and accusing you of being nuts! Apart from the fact that he is a lying cheating asswipe, he is manipulating you and you are too blind to see it! Your personality is aggressive or you would not be able to react in that manner and he is bringing out the worst in you!

 

Ask yourself this ...... Why do you want him?

 

I don't think she sounds like she's 12. I think she sounds like she's just in a very bad situation, and she's not ready to take the blinders off yet..

[RecordProducer]

I don't think she sounds like she's 12.

I think she does! And that's actually a compliment, because I relate her anger issues to the immaturity of her age (she is only 26!!!) and inability to take charge of herself and her life. She lets this older MM control her, make her feel bad, and put her in a position where she thinks she can change anything if she spits enough curses and raises her voice loud enough for him to hear it.

 

It's exactly because she is young and naive why she can't see her situation from above and realize that he is manipulating her. She believes in his smiles and kisses and erections, rather than his deeds. Being immature is not bad - it's actually the other side of the medal that represents the cheerful child in you, which can be very attractive.

[veronese]

My guess is he's terrified of what you may do next. Phoning him over 100 times in a day is verging on lunacy DW. I know you keep saying that it was the situation that caused you to crack up, but even so, you cracked up big time hun!

 

Lots of us have been through equally, if not more unpleasant episodes in our relationships with spouses and lovers, but not many of us have flipped out in such a spectacular manner as you have. If you react like this when you're his OW, what the hell would you do if you were his wife of many years and he dumped you?

 

He could well be frantically organising a house move, to a place far far away from you. Compared to you his wife must seem positively dreamy!

 

Sorry to be so harsh DW but after making the 'St Patrick's day deadline' declaration just recently only to now have, just a few days later, apparently forgotten all about it suggests you're fooling only yourself here.

 

His wife and family won't be going away if you two do ever get together so how will you cope then? Will you freak out if he has to meet with his wife for legitimate reasons and gets delayed on his way back? Will you interrogate him, scream at him, spit at him or slap him if you feel insecure about his devotion to you?

 

If you think what you've gone through in this relationship up until now is hard wait and see what being married to him will be like! Marriage isn't a bed of roses and with your history yours would come with excess baggage.

 

No doubt you'll assume I don't understand you or your situation well enough to visualise an accurate picture of it, but having read all your posts on the subject I can assure you I'm getting a pretty good idea!

 

You don't have to convince any of us of what you two have together; this is about you and him, not us. Seems it's him who needs some convincing and I don't see you being able to do that, regardless of how calm, cool and collected you may have become of late.

 

The truth is I'm baffled as to why this guy would enjoy your company, rowing and raging for hours on end like you do. Doesn't sound much fun to me but then maybe our idea of fun differs?

 

Good luck DW, you're going to need it.

 

Veronese x

[erika2610]

My guess is he's terrified of what you may do next. Phoning him over 100 times in a day is verging on lunacy DW. I know you keep saying that it was the situation that caused you to crack up, but even so, you cracked up big time hun!

 

Lots of us have been through equally, if not more unpleasant episodes in our relationships with spouses and lovers, but not many of us have flipped out in such a spectacular manner as you have. If you react like this when you're his OW, what the hell would you do if you were his wife of many years and he dumped you?

 

He could well be frantically organising a house move, to a place far far away from you. Compared to you his wife must seem positively dreamy!

 

Sorry to be so harsh DW but after making the 'St Patrick's day deadline' declaration just recently only to now have, just a few days later, apparently forgotten all about it suggests you're fooling only yourself here.

 

His wife and family won't be going away if you two do ever get together so how will you cope then? Will you freak out if he has to meet with his wife for legitimate reasons and gets delayed on his way back? Will you interrogate him, scream at him, spit at him or slap him if you feel insecure about his devotion to you?

 

If you think what you've gone through in this relationship up until now is hard wait and see what being married to him will be like! Marriage isn't a bed of roses and with your history yours would come with excess baggage.

 

No doubt you'll assume I don't understand you or your situation well enough to visualise an accurate picture of it, but having read all your posts on the subject I can assure you I'm getting a pretty good idea!

 

You don't have to convince any of us of what you two have together; this is about you and him, not us. Seems it's him who needs some convincing and I don't see you being able to do that, regardless of how calm, cool and collected you may have become of late.

 

The truth is I'm baffled as to why this guy would enjoy your company, rowing and raging for hours on end like you do. Doesn't sound much fun to me but then maybe our idea of fun differs?

 

Good luck DW, you're going to need it.

 

Veronese x

 

Good post Veronese And as far as when she's married to him, I think she's stated she doesn't want to get married..

[Touche]

This is NOT correct and I'm not going to argue about it. NO, it is NOT my personality. NO, this is NOT the way I would deal with it if he ever got me angry.

 

It is this SITUATION causing me to react this way. HE would be the one doing the majority of the yelling, he would get furious because I would not accept his "lies" and wouldn't accept anything he told me. This would make him FURIOUS. I then retaliated out of pure hurt and pain and it would escalate.

 

NO, I would NEVER react this way no matter what or how angry or upset I would become if he were single... it is this situation. I know EXACTLY what I'm talking about in regards to this issue.

 

Yes, it IS the situation that has brought this out in me because every single second I am with him I am thinking that no matter what I do he is going to screw me over either way. I am consumed with so much pain I could not even enjoy his company anymore. PAIN took over and made me go balistic. Think what you want but for the first time you guys are VERY wrong.

 

It is NOT my personality, it is the SITUAION that made me react the way I did. I KNOW myself, I would have no problem admitting otherwise. But I KNOW myself, I have not been msyelf due to this SITUATION.

 

When somone is experiencing the intense EXTREME level of pain... pain I was so DESPERATE to get rid of but couldn't... they do stupid crazy thigns out of the norm. Of course it's the situation. This is NOT who I am and I'm not arguing about it. It's silly.

 

I am not going to react that way anymore. It is childish and does not accomplish anything. There is no need for me to be like that.

 

I understand that you don't want to argue. Neither do I. So print this out and keep it with you at all times. See if I and others are wrong and saying what we have. As I've said, that kind of behavior doesn't just manifest itself over a SITUATION. Nor does it just suddenly disappear. You have NO idea, since you haven't had a normal relationship, what OTHER situations crop up in a relationship. Those other situations can be equally as frustrating, albeit in a different way. You'll see. I know you ABSOLUTELY think you know yourself and will NEVER act this way in OTHER situations. But I can say with absolute confidence that you WILL.

 

Like I said, print this out and keep it with you. You'll see.

 

And for the record, I agree with those who said that you need to lay down the law and step away NOW, not wait for after he files for divorce (if he even does it.) YOU'RE not in control in this relationship. You never really were. He is. Why don't you FINALLY take REAL control...because right now it's a fake, perception of control. HE'S holding all the cards...not you. Why can't you see that? People are trying to show you that.

 

Please don't be one of those sad cases who comes back on here after a time, and says "I should have listened to you guys. I could have saved myself months of heartache."

[RecordProducer]

NO, this is NOT the way I would deal with it if he ever got me angry...

 

...It is this SITUATION causing me to react this way...

 

...NO, I would NEVER react this way no matter what or how angry or upset I would become if he were single... it is this situation.

Experience taught me NOT to believe in "woulds" and "wouldn'ts"; I only believe in "dids" and "didn'ts."

 

You THINK you WOULD not react like this no matter how angry you'd get, but you don't know for sure. You haven't managed to control yourself yet. You think it's the situation, but many people keep their self-control even when they fight. And, man, you sound like such a stubborn person!

 

Today it's his divorce, tomorrow it'd be other lies and problems - THIS IS HOW HE IS THINKING!!!! You can't persuade him in one month that "what's in the window is not in the store."

[Sami_D]

omg... DW... I've been away from the boards for a while and I come back and find... you're back in this position. Why?

 

And he's STILL behaving like a pig.

 

"I won't make a move to get divorced until you start behaving"

 

Nice. (also, twisted and doesn't make any logical sense)

 

Who would want a relationship that even HINTED of that kind of dynamic?

 

He knows you, and he knows what will work to keep you hanging on. That's how it is.

 

IF you think you can go NC if he files... why not go NC now and get him to prove he can actually do it?

 

You need to get some control here. And believe me, I'm speaking from a ton of experience, and knowledge about how powerless you feel (despite your words).

 

Also, I was thinking. I know I've missed a big chunk of your story, so... what has happened with his wife..? Last I heard she was phoning the police. Have they reconciled? Is she happy? Or has she given him (coincidentally) three months to whip his ass into shape or she boots him out..?

[whichwayisup]

doesn't make any logical sense

 

Nothing about her situation is logical. She does however, feel the need to let this play out one last time. Atleast I hope after this, SOME sort of decision will be made, either good or bad.

[zarathustra]

From this angle, the prognosis doesn't look good. But I think that with folks like you WWIU, there'll be plenty of people around to help her pick up the pieces should the decision yield not so positive results.