When is breaking NC ok? (A guide)

[CaliGuy]

You all know how big I am on NO CONTACT. But I also believe there are times when it's ok to break it.

 

WHEN NOT TO BREAK NC:

1. If you have decided that you want to move on and never be with your ex again then under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you break NC.

 

2. If you can't handle talking to the EX, you should not until you can.

 

WHEN IT'S OK TO BREAK NC:

You should NEVER INITIATE contact when you are under NC. Period. Let them break it and then follow the next steps to decide if you should talk to them. It's important to remember if you do decide to call them back, don't rush right away to speak to them. Take a day or two to clear your mind. Nothing they have to say can not wait a bit.

 

1. If you have moved on completely and feel that you can talk to them, then do so. Don't hash out the past or open old wounds.

 

2. If the ex says they made a mistake and want you back (and you do too) then control has now been handed back to you. It's up to you decide if you want to venture down the road of reconcilliation or not.

 

3. If you need closure to move on. Do talk about the past and get the answers you seek, then stick to NC and never break it again.

 

These are just some basic rules that I have been thinking about. The bottom line is if you want to move on then really you should never break NC. If you want the ex back, then breaking NC is only acceptable when they initiate it. If you break it, then chances are they will think you're still pining after them. And frankly a second chance will never work unless you've become a stronger, confident and more self-assured person.

 

Every situation is unique and you have to use your better judgement when it comes to talking to the ex. Use the time you have during NC to work on rebuilding your confidence and self-esteem. Again, hang out with friends, go to the gym, dive into new and exciting hobbies. LIVE LIFE! Because by doing so you become happy and healthy, and that's a very attractive trait to any member of the opposite sex.

 

Insecurity, aloofness, lack of self-esteem and confidence, all these things are a turn off not only to the oppposite sex, but to friends and co-workers. Those issues must be addressed in order for you to have healthy relationships. Understanding boundaries as well.

 

So yes, while I am a big proponent of NC, read again No Foolin's guide. It doesn't mean you never talk to your Ex again.

 

It means you do it under your terms, when you are ready.

 

Never be down, upset, angry or crying.

 

Never let them see you sweat. They aren't worth the pain when they don't love you.

[Pyro]

I believe that you covered everything. Nice job Caliguy.

[bendit]

You keep referring to No Foolin's guide. Here's a challenge. Show me where it says in that guide that contact is ok to have under certain circumstances.

 

Btw, this a great topic for SECOND CHANCES but not such a good one for coping. When you've been damaged by an EX's behavior, renewed Contact just hurts PERIOD. For those who want to try this with limited contact, admit that you want a second chance, and head on over to the second chances forum where you should get plenty of support for wanting to drag out the misery. Again if you can tell me where No Foolin says contact is acceptable, please post the excerpt.

 

Limited Contact, which is Actually what you are proponent of, is an acceptable option for those wanting a second chance. On this we can agree. No Contact, which after all has the word NO right in it, is for people who truly know its over and want to cope with the hurt in the surest fastest way. Being honest with oneself and which forum you belong in, is all part of the introspection we must do.

 

regards

[cal gal]

In many circumstances that you have shown over the past few months, I am not quite so sure that no contact even works for you Cali Guy.

 

While I respect your philosophy on this topic, I have often wondered if it allows a person to express and explore their true feelings about the situation at hand.

 

In some circumstances No Contact is ideal... however we all deal with our own mental processes in a manner that will help us to cope reasonably well. Some folks will need to interact and have info in order to move forward...

 

Believe me, after being married for 20 years and having hubby cheat (again) - I would have loved to do the no contact thingy.... not possible if you have children and property together.

 

Even though I am forced to interact with him, NEVER for a moment have I wondered if I would go back.

 

It didn't take no contact, it just took making up my mind that he was an

a**h*** to me the whole time we were married and I never saw it. Yes, he covered it all up with gifts etc.

 

Mind over matter - that's the way I see it (not no contact).

[CaliGuy]

You keep referring to No Foolin's guide. Here's a challenge. Show me where it says in that guide that contact is ok to have under certain circumstances.

 

If you bump into them, what are you going to do, run away? You have to at some point in your life be ready to deal with them should you run into them. Running away is akin to saying "I can never deal with my problems." I think NC is great when you are healing, but can be taken to such an extreme that you are merely running from the problem, from deeper issues.

 

Btw, this a great topic for SECOND CHANCES but not such a good one for coping. When you've been damaged by an EX's behavior, renewed Contact just hurts PERIOD. For those who want to try this with limited contact, admit that you want a second chance, and head on over to the second chances forum where you should get plenty of support for wanting to drag out the misery. Again if you can tell me where No Foolin says contact is acceptable, please post the excerpt.

 

It's not under second chances because breaking NC is not exclusive to a second chance. It's more or less dealing with when it's OK to talk to an ex. Therefore, it should be in coping.

 

Limited Contact, which is Actually what you are proponent of, is an acceptable option for those wanting a second chance. On this we can agree. No Contact, which after all has the word NO right in it, is for people who truly know its over and want to cope with the hurt in the surest fastest way. Being honest with oneself and which forum you belong in, is all part of the introspection we must do.

 

I addressed that as the very first line in when you should NEVER break NC. I am a proponet of NC if you are through with an EX.

 

I am a proponent of LC when you may want to reconcile in the future. But again, you should never be the one to break the ice.

 

Cheers.

[alphamale]

WHEN IT'S OK TO BREAK NC:

You should NEVER INITIATE contact when you are under NC. Period. Let them break it and then follow the next steps to decide if you should talk to them. It's important to remember if you do decide to call them back, don't rush right away to speak to them. Take a day or two to clear your mind.

A "day or two"???? WTF....try a month or two or three....

[Art_Critic]

A "day or two" ???? WTF....try a month or two or three....

 

Your right Alpha.. a day or two is just simply not calling the person.. a month or 2 or 3 is NC.

[Pyro]

I think that CG meant that if you have been in NC with your ex and out of the blue they decide to break NC with you, you should take a few days to think about whether or not you want to talk to them. That sounds right.

[bendit]

What No Foolin's guide Actually says is that it is never ever advisable to have contact with the ex when you are in coping mode. I read it many times, and that's what it says. He has a contingency statement in there for when you Accidentally run into the ex. Again he advocates smiling and moving on quickly before you can even converse. Is that a break of NC? Yes technically. But its not a break of the NC Mindset that fosters true healing.

 

100% NC is a conscious proactive Mindset that propels you to do everything in your power to never have contact with an ex again. Now, many on coping aren't at that point yet. They want to have pipelines and avenues from the ex to them, because they still secretly desire another go around. So they accept contact from the ex in the hopes that they might get a shot at a second chance. But I imagine No Foolin would say those folks belong on the second chances forum, and not in coping. Imo, to say that No Foolin believes its "okay" to break NC under certain circumstances is a misrepresentation of what his post says.

 

regards

[alphamale]

I think that CG meant that if you have been in NC with your ex and out of the blue they decide to break NC with you, you should take a few days to think about whether or not you want to talk to them. That sounds right.

no I disagree with your understanding. it specifically states to wait a day or two to clear your head and then contact them.

[Pyro]

no I disagree with your understanding. it specifically states to wait a day or two to clear your head and then contact them.

 

Did you read the sentence right before that statement? The sentence says to let them break NC and then decide whether or not you want to talk to them.

[In Sync]

If you bump into them, what are you going to do, run away? You have to at some point in your life be ready to deal with them should you run into them. Running away is akin to saying "I can never deal with my problems." I think NC is great when you are healing, but can be taken to such an extreme that you are merely running from the problem, from deeper issues.

 

 

 

It's not under second chances because breaking NC is not exclusive to a second chance. It's more or less dealing with when it's OK to talk to an ex. Therefore, it should be in coping.

 

 

 

I addressed that as the very first line in when you should NEVER break NC. I am a proponet of NC if you are through with an EX.

 

I am a proponent of LC when you may want to reconcile in the future. But again, you should never be the one to break the ice.

 

Cheers.

 

How about substitution here:

 

A recovering alcoholic asks "When is drinking ok?"

 

This is the most absurd thinking on this LC vs NC. It's foolish. This LC is almost equivalent to saying, I am unable as a human being to exist in this world without this other person who broke it off from me. I am mentally unable to go on as a separate individual. So just when I have healed I am choosing to go back to repick an old scab. It's almost comically masochistic...'do you imagine your ex is sitting around wondering 'when is it ok to contact you' .No. Your ex has moved on is probably dating or free doing whatever is they want to do without you. So the question is a reflection of how little you have going on in your life. Why would you even need to look back and wonder when breaking NC is ok, if you got your own S**T together? If you see your ex, how about this concept...keep walking. Not running, walking in the light of your own glow!

[alphamale]

Did you read the sentence right before that statement? The sentence says to let them break NC and then decide whether or not you want to talk to them.

 

no, you are wrong RIDDLER, below is the text:

 

It's important to remember if you do decide to call them back, don't rush right away to speak to them. Take a day or two to clear your mind.

....if you decide to call them back

....dont' rush righ away to speak to them

....take a day or two

[Pyro]

Quick to assume who is right and who is wrong aren't you?

 

Apparently we don't agree on this. Why don't we ask CG instead on what he meant by the statement?

[CaliGuy]

How about substitution here:

 

A recovering alcoholic asks "When is drinking ok?"

 

This is the most absurd thinking on this LC vs NC. It's foolish. This LC is almost equivalent to saying, I am unable as a human being to exist in this world without this other person who broke it off from me. I am mentally unable to go on as a separate individual. So just when I have healed I am choosing to go back to repick an old scab. It's almost comically masochistic...'do you imagine your ex is sitting around wondering 'when is it ok to contact you' .No. Your ex has moved on is probably dating or free doing whatever is they want to do without you. So the question is a reflection of how little you have going on in your life. Why would you even need to look back and wonder when breaking NC is ok, if you got your own S**T together? If you see your ex, how about this concept...keep walking. Not running, walking in the light of your own glow!

 

I knew when writing this that you and Bendit would be adamantly opposed to this. It's OK. I know you both are hard core NC because it's working for you.

 

But not everyone is like you.

 

Some of us can handle LC. Some of us weren't attractive to the ex because we have our own issues. I don't hold my ex completely responsible for the breakup. I contributed to it as well. The old adage 'it takes two to tango' works here.

 

I also don't believe running from your problems is the best way to solve them. In every instance where I have said NC is a good thing, I've also added that working on improving yourself in every facet you can is essential.

 

Simply saying "keep walking" is the same as saying "close your eyes to your problems." It's like saying "It's all the ex's fault, I have no fault whatever..."

 

Don't get me wrong, it's good to love who you are. It's essential really. But at the same time, if you can't face your fears (not give into them, but face them) then really, how have you improved at all?

 

There have been many people here who have stated they bumped into their ex and it didn't phase them. Those are people who have really taken a good hard look at themselves, worked on their confidence and self-esteem and decided they didn't need the ex after all.

 

To me, that's the ultimate recovery.

 

This short guide wasn't intended to say "Yeah, go ahead and break contact if you are pining after your ex." On the contrary, it's clearly designed to show you when breaking NC is OK.

 

And as I stated, it's never OK to be the one to initiate contact. If the ex initiates it and wants you back, control is now placed in your lap. If you have improved as a person you may not even want them back. If they are the same person you left, with no more wisdom and insight, then I agree, move on.

 

I only believe in full NC when you have decided you never want them back. But don't do it out of spite. Do it because you need the time to heal completely and rebuild your confidence and self-esteem.

[hurtbeyondwords]

no, you are wrong RIDDLER, below is the text:

 

It's important to remember if you do decide to call them back, don't rush right away to speak to them. Take a day or two to clear your mind.

....if you decide to call them back

....dont' rush righ away to speak to them

....take a day or two

 

frankly I do not see the issue. for some people NC is madatory, for some LC is ok. If you are going to be LC then waiting a few days to think about calling them back is a good idea.

 

Bottom line... Not everyone has to keep NC.

[CaliGuy]

no I disagree with your understanding. it specifically states to wait a day or two to clear your head and then contact them.

 

If that is what you want.

 

You must have missed the part where I clearly said:

 

WHEN NOT TO BREAK NC:

1. If you have decided that you want to move on and never be with your ex again then under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you break NC.

 

The statement you are referring to is only valid IF you want to talk to them.

[Art_Critic]

Did you read the sentence right before that statement? The sentence says to let them break NC and then decide whether or not you want to talk to them.

 

If your in NC then it is a moot point.. the decision to contact is made for you.. NC

[alphamale]

If that is what you want.

 

You must have missed the part where I clearly said:

 

WHEN NOT TO BREAK NC:

1. If you have decided that you want to move on and never be with your ex again then under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you break NC.

 

The statement you are referring to is only valid IF you want to talk to them.

see...but what you and RIDDLER missed is that even if you DO want to hook back up with the ex and she contacts you then you should wait 1 or 2 or 3 months to call her back. That is my point.

[CaliGuy]

see...but what you and RIDDLER missed is that even if you DO want to hook back up with the ex and she contacts you then you should wait 1 or 2 or 3 months to call her back. That is my point.

 

Why 1,2 or 3 months?

 

Can you clarify why this length of time is necessary.

[whichwayisup]

see...but what you and RIDDLER missed is that even if you DO want to hook back up with the ex and she contacts you then you should wait 1 or 2 or 3 months to call her back. That is my point.

That's TOO long though. Chances are, they are going to move on after that much time, then if you're playing the NC game BECAUSE you want that other person to wait it out longer, you lose out at the end.

 

I say if you want the person back and they call you, wait a week then call and say let's talk. No expectations, no games, no bulls***. Just talk and listen. Though, knowing me, I wouldn't wait a week. Probably a day or two. IF I was ever in that situation...

 

Sorry, that's just me and how I'd handle it.

[In Sync]

I knew when writing this that you and Bendit would be adamantly opposed to this. It's OK. I know you both are hard core NC because it's working for you.

 

But not everyone is like you.

 

Some of us can handle LC. Some of us weren't attractive to the ex because we have our own issues. I don't hold my ex completely responsible for the breakup. I contributed to it as well. The old adage 'it takes two to tango' works here.

 

I also don't believe running from your problems is the best way to solve them. In every instance where I have said NC is a good thing, I've also added that working on improving yourself in every facet you can is essential.

 

Simply saying "keep walking" is the same as saying "close your eyes to your problems." It's like saying "It's all the ex's fault, I have no fault whatever..."

 

Don't get me wrong, it's good to love who you are. It's essential really. But at the same time, if you can't face your fears (not give into them, but face them) then really, how have you improved at all?

 

There have been many people here who have stated they bumped into their ex and it didn't phase them. Those are people who have really taken a good hard look at themselves, worked on their confidence and self-esteem and decided they didn't need the ex after all.

 

To me, that's the ultimate recovery.

 

This short guide wasn't intended to say "Yeah, go ahead and break contact if you are pining after your ex." On the contrary, it's clearly designed to show you when breaking NC is OK.

 

And as I stated, it's never OK to be the one to initiate contact. If the ex initiates it and wants you back, control is now placed in your lap. If you have improved as a person you may not even want them back. If they are the same person you left, with no more wisdom and insight, then I agree, move on.

 

I only believe in full NC when you have decided you never want them back. But don't do it out of spite. Do it because you need the time to heal completely and rebuild your confidence and self-esteem.

 

 

I don't believe that walking in your own light of being and not looking back is a sign of "running away." I also don't buy that it's "facing your fears." listen for all the people who have faced their ex's and everything was peachy, that's fine. BUT there are equally, if not more, that many people who are hanging on to that LC concept, and holding themselves back. To me not letting go is fear, because fear keeps you from letting go. Fear of the unknown...I'm about growth and reinventing yourself. Also I am addressing the point of your question "when is it ok to break NC?" My question is why would you want to? Accidental run in are easy..again walk away. What do you need from the ex? Move on find new adventures new relationships...

[bendit]

Cali, couple points. yes everyone is different. Look NC LC either one is not going to kill you. If people want to drag out their healing with the hopes that they may get a second chance, that's Not going to kill them. And I think its clear that for you, if she "said" the right things to you, that you'd be up for another go around with her. At least that's the message you send. So there is fine line between coping and second chance forums. And its seems clear to me that you want and desire a relationship with your ex "after" you've done your healing. If not please correct me. So total NC may not be for you.

 

But I am 100% clear in my message for one reason and one reason only. And that is that there is a proven 100% tested method for getting through to the other side and healing a damaged ego at the hands of an abusive ex. And that is total NC. I realize that this is scary to many people and many are not ready for that because again its SO SCARY and final. And many still have hope.

 

But that isn't going to stop me from pounding on the message that the surest fastest way to healing is 100% NC. Its not for everybody no. But for those who have accepted with finality that its OVER and life goes on and there are going to be new loves among the many many people in their future, well my message is certainly for THEM.

 

regards

[CaliGuy]

I don't believe that walking in your own light of being and not looking back is a sign of "running away." I also don't buy that it's "facing your fears." listen for all the people who have faced their ex's and everything was peachy, that's fine. BUT there are equally, if not more, that many people who are hanging on to that LC concept, and holding themselves back. To me not letting go is fear, because fear keeps you from letting go. Fear of the unknown...I'm about growth and reinventing yourself. Also I am addressing the point of your question "when is it ok to break NC?" My question is why would you want to? Accidental run in are easy..again walk away. What do you need from the ex? Move on find new adventures new relationships...

 

Ah but you missed the point. It's not OK for you to initiate contact. They have to be the ones initiating contact.

 

Then whatever you decide to do, you are the one in control. And ideally, that's how you want it to be.

[Ariadne]

Running away is akin to saying "I can never deal with my problems." I think NC is great when you are healing, but can be taken to such an extreme that you are merely running from the problem, from deeper issues.

 

Exactly

 

You have to be able to understand the situation as it is.

 

Things are the way they are for a reason, maybe because the relationship you had was not one based on truth, or maybe because the person didn't feel attracted to you as you did for them.

 

So, it just didn't work out in the long run.

 

What is there to be scared of?

 

Ariadne