When is breaking NC ok? (A guide)

[TravelLight]

I find it humerous when people get upset on here because others don't share the same opinion as them. Part of being mature is being able to accept other peoples opinions without the name calling or insults.

 

Was that a riddle?

 

Who's insulting who?

[Pyro]

Was that a riddle?

 

Who's insulting who?

 

I was not referring to any paticular person or thread, but the immature insulting is common on LS.

[SmoochieFace]

Was that a riddle?

 

Who's insulting who?

 

Yeah, I'm curious too. I glanced back throught his thread and didn't see anything *questionable* here. What gives, R?

[CaliGuy]

...

 

Sometimes the dumper IS a cold and callous bytch... I've had a couple of those. You can't assume that they will always have any *warm fuzzies* for you after they have screwed you over. But even MORE importantly, for me at least, I don't CARE whether they have any of those *fuzzies*.

 

You leave me, you screw me over, you're OUT! Case closed.

 

Oh I agree. Hey, if they dumped you to date someone else, odds are they aren't pining around wondering what you are doing.

 

Hey, NC/LC, as long as we figure out what works best for us and stick to it, that's all that matters.

[SmoochieFace]

Sure. But how do you just cut off? Was it proactive or did it just happen?

 

It just happened.

 

I don't know how else to explain this. *sigh*

 

Some of us just have a different way of dealing with things such as breakups and NC is the way to go. It works for me therefore it must be *right* for me.

[TravelLight]

...

 

Sometimes the dumper IS a cold and callous bytch... I've had a couple of those. You can't assume that they will always have any *warm fuzzies* for you after they have screwed you over. But even MORE importantly, for me at least, I don't CARE whether they have any of those *fuzzies*.

 

You leave me, you screw me over, you're OUT! Case closed.

 

Maybe I'm not so concerned about how they're feeling.

 

Maybe I'm concerned about how I invested so much time in a relationship and didn't see that coming.

 

I think sometimes you do need something back of the ex.

[TravelLight]

It just happened.

 

I don't know how else to explain this. *sigh*

 

Some of us just have a different way of dealing with things such as breakups and NC is the way to go. It works for me therefore it must be *right* for me.

 

You're one hard bunny. Are those GM carrotts?

[SmoochieFace]

Oh I agree. Hey, if they dumped you to date someone else, odds are they aren't pining around wondering what you are doing.

 

Exactamente!

 

And I sure as shyt ain't pining around wondering what the hell they are doing either! See how good and uncomplicated that is?

[Pyro]

Yeah, I'm curious too. I glanced back throught his thread and didn't see anything *questionable* here. What gives, R?

 

I refuse to single someone out, but I am sure that you have seen it before on here SF. Person A shares there view on something and person B comes in and says that person A is wrong and that they (meaning person B) says that they are correct, with many names and insults thrown in the mix. Care to pass the popcorn down here CG?

[SmoochieFace]

Maybe I'm not so concerned about how they're feeling.

 

Maybe I'm concerned about how I invested so much time in a relationship and didn't see that coming.

 

I think sometimes you do need something back of the ex.

 

I don't need a damn thing from ANY X EXCEPT for her to leave me the hell alone.

[SmoochieFace]

I refuse to single someone out, but I am sure that you have seen it before on here SF. Person A shares there view on something and person B comes in and says that person A is wrong and that they (meaning person B) says that they are correct, with many names and insults thrown in the mix. Care to pass the popcorn down here CG?

 

This thread is doing quite fine without the pot stirring. Don't stir up the pot please. Thank you.

[Pyro]

This thread is doing quite fine without the pot stirring. Don't stir up the pot please. Thank you.

 

Agreed. Like I said, I wasn't referring to a paticular thread or person.

[SmoochieFace]

You're one hard bunny. Are those GM carrotts?

 

...

 

The word is *resilient*, amigo. Resilient.

 

Ya gotta be tough in order to make it... especially when it comes to women.

[kitten chick]

NC is not about bitterness. It's about giving yourself time to heal. Every time you talk to your ex it tears open a healing wound. I personally have been able to be friends with childhood exs but not ex's from adult relationships. They're completely different types of relationships and I've also had enough time away from the old ones to be more indifferent. All of them hold a place in my heart whether they treated me well or treated me poorly, I'll never stop caring about them. Some people aren't capable of this. they have no feelings. Some people just don't care. Many times our ex's won't give us closure so we do have to find it ourselves. You can't expect your ex to give you anything or you will most likely be sorely disappointed.

[TravelLight]

NC is not about bitterness. It's about giving yourself time to heal. Every time you talk to your ex it tears open a healing wound. I personally have been able to be friends with childhood exs but not ex's from adult relationships. They're completely different types of relationships and I've also had enough time away from the old ones to be more indifferent. All of them hold a place in my heart whether they treated me well or treated me poorly, I'll never stop caring about them. Some people aren't capable of this. they have no feelings. Some people just don't care. Many times our ex's won't give us closure so we do have to find it ourselves. You can't expect your ex to give you anything or you will most likely be sorely disappointed.

 

You are right of course. NC = No Choice. Sadly.

[bendit]

Cali, I've seen your complete story over on the nice guy forum. its still there for posterity. And if you go reread that, you'll discover that you have rewritten your history with the ex and put her way way way way up there on the pedestal of yours. Anyway there is a stage of grief called denial and a stage called bargaining. Some people bounce around between the two.

 

regards

 

 

My ex did not treat me badly, she just didn't fall in love with me. I'm a firm believer in that you can't control who you love. You just do or you don't. And I do believe it takes two to tango in the game of love, so you can not lay the fault completely at the feet of your ex and completely absolve yourself of any responsibility.

 

[CaliGuy]

Cali, I've seen your complete story over on the nice guy forum. its still there for posterity. And if you go reread that, you'll discover that you have rewritten your history with the ex and put her way way way way up there on the pedestal of yours. Anyway there is a stage of grief called denial and a stage called bargaining. Some people bounce around between the two.

 

regards

 

She was inconsiderate, yes. In many ways. I let her take things too far before I put my foot down.

 

Over the course of the relationship, I think when things were going well she treated me well. When she got tired of my clinging to her and not being a man, she started to do things to push me away. I guess it took a slap in the face for me to wake up.

 

She is not on a pedestal anymore.

And I'm not twidling my thumbs waiting for her to come back, either

[chocolate_boy]

I think that CG meant that if you have been in NC with your ex and out of the blue they decide to break NC with you, you should take a few days to think about whether or not you want to talk to them. That sounds right.

 

Why bother though?

 

You know reading this thread just made me realise, I've been in NC now for nearly 5 months! We broke up over 6 months ago, and she's tried to contact me a few times via sms, but I've ignored them all... thing is I had even stopped counting days etc. Barely does she cross my mind anymore, and I feel great again.

 

I do sort of miss a relationship in some ways, but I've used the free time I have to really throw myself into work, currently I'm doing upto 14 hour days, and have worked 7 days a week for last 3 weeks, bit tiring but improving my career amazingly well.. so have no time for a girl at the moment.

 

But keep with NC, there's no point in breaking it and setting yourself back.

[No Foolin]

Wow….I leave the planet for awhile (had some business on Bespin to attend to) and we are debating a very simple concept. No contact = not speaking to the person again. Now following that frame of reference, if you run into him/her (it happens), you give a quick what’s up, superficial blah blah and roll out (15 to 30 seconds of your time). If you're totally hardcore, you just Ninja your way out of the situation by avoiding them, sure they may see you and think what a freak, but your a*s isn’t speaking to them, so who cares.

 

No Foolin

[riobikini]

(Smile)

 

Wondering when you'd show up, NF.

 

Glad you did.

 

-Rio

[CaliGuy]

Wow….I leave the planet for awhile (had some business on Bespin to attend to) and we are debating a very simple concept. No contact = not speaking to the person again. Now following that frame of reference, if you run into him/her (it happens), you give a quick what’s up, superficial blah blah and roll out (15 to 30 seconds of your time). If you're totally hardcore, you just Ninja your way out of the situation by avoiding them, sure they may see you and think what a freak, but your a*s isn’t speaking to them, so who cares.

 

No Foolin

 

NF, good to see you.

 

Didn't want to start a huge debate, but I do believe you need to strengthen yourself and get over your ex as soon as possible because chances are, you will bump into them. In my case, I'll probably bump into her - and she isn't going to see me sweat.

 

But the inspiration for writing this thread is based on people getting along with their lives. I think to some degree complete and nc is essential for some. In other cases, not talking to them at all for fear you can't handle it is akin to running from your problems.

 

Recognizing your fears and facing them without giving in to them is how you get over them.

 

For some that want a second chance, if their ex's heart has changed, going complete NC forever would eliminate that. If that is what they want then great, stick to NC.

 

However, I do believe a second chance can work, but only once you have gotten over the ex and resigned yourself to rebuilding your confidence and self-esteem.

 

Cheers man. Hope all is well with you.

[sick of it]

fear is exactly the point. i dont want to know what shes doing. i already KNOW what shes doing. its the fact that it makes me uncomftable. i dont want to feel like that forever. i dont want that monster laying dormant in my head and come running out whenevfer shes mentioned. i want to talk to her, not to be friendly, but to not care. to know i CAN. so that i dont have to live in fear of seeing her, hearing her, hearing OF her...

theres no escaping the fact that if youre hurting a lot, then obviously this person meant a lot to you. and therefore, WILL always mean a lot to you. its sad to NEVER be able to talk to them again (sad as in unfortunate, not pathetic) due to pride, ego, self esteem, or self preservation. if you dont want to talk to them, then dont. some do.

i was incredibly hurt by my ex. i will always feel that pain. but i would like to forgive. maybe not forgive her actions, but forgive the situation. id like to have the ability to talk not necessarily the inclination to.

because the ex didnt something selfish or stupid or whatever the situation may be, there was an attraction and may always be an attraction. i agree with caliguy with there being NC forever, the chance to reconcile will never be there.

[notmakingsense]

I'm away from LS for a while.... and here I am... reading a post by Cali about when it is OK to contact. NOW I've seen it all!

 

Anyway, my perspective is this: At some point, contacting or not contacting just doesn't make a difference -- because you are finally over the old relationship -- but it is true that not contacting gets you to that point faster.

 

Also, you will intuitively know when you are there. Its the point in time that your blood pressure no longer rises when you are confronted with him/her.

 

As for me, I have run in to my ex several times now. I look in her eyes and no longer care that I'm not "the one". What a liberating experience. And it didn't take hopping in bed with someone else.

[In Sync]

I have still not understood anyone's reason or rational for "when breaking NC is ok." It's really not complicated. If you are the one hurting from your breakup, in any way shape or form...stop adding more fuel to the fire by maintaining NC. I am referring as I always had to the relationship in which one party (namely you) is not handling the breakup. Period. AND if you are recovering as a result of maintaining NC...why on earth would even consider wanting to break NC. It's not fear but common sense. What is this notion by talking your ex its proof to oneself that you are not fearful of seeing the ex again. Just by the nature of that concept that one thinks they "need to overcome this fear" to face the ex is indication you are not over them... they still exurt some power of influence in your mind...hey, after extensive period of NC isn't that a sign to yourself you don't need them psychologically? By the way, if that ex isn't knocking down any walls to resume contact, by fully acknowledging your pain and hurt, what reason on earth would you resume contact with them...

[neiu]

I'll admit that it's tough to keep NC but I think breaking contact is pointless because if you do, it's possible that you still have not moved on because if you have then would there even be a point to break contact? I mean come on, if you don't speak to someone for a very long time and they did break your heart and mess with your head what makes you think that talking to them now is going to solve anything. Thinking about it delays your healing and at the same time, holds you back from meeting someone else who possibly might be the one for you. Why give up an opportunity to start something new and exciting with someone else for the ex which you probably have baggage with and it probably is harder for things to get started again if they ever do. Once you stop thinking about it and stop looking for someone, it always seems to be the case for me that is that you finally do meet someone that catches your attention. I think there are many of us that are holding back in case the ex does come around but really the chances are so slim. And yes I did hold back, way too long and the day I let it all go and said I'm sick of all of this things just magically happened. It's weird I know and maybe I'm just lucky but i'm glad that i'm done pining after my ex. It's just so drainging to deal with. But you guys do what you feel you need to do, from my own experience as of late, breaking NC could be the worst thing you do. Stop, breath and let go cause you're never going to move on if you keep thinking about wanting to talk to your ex or waiting for them to talk to you.