When is breaking NC ok? (A guide)

[CaliGuy]

I'll admit that it's tough to keep NC but I think breaking contact is pointless because if you do, it's possible that you still have not moved on because if you have then would there even be a point to break contact?

 

Again, I never feel it's OK for the dumpee to intiate contact. I believe that if the EX initiates it then you can pick and choose to respond (if at all).

 

I mean come on, if you don't speak to someone for a very long time and they did break your heart and mess with your head what makes you think that talking to them now is going to solve anything.

 

Like I said, you don't have to talk to them at all. If they come to you, hat in hand wanting to reconcile and you might be considering it, then choose your path wisely.

 

I personally believe if you can never again handle talking to that person, you haven't gotten over them. At some point you have to be able to recognize and face your fears. NC until you are over them is ideal. But some of us will end up seeing the ex again. What are we do to, run away every single time?

 

To me that's borderline being a coward. I personally know I'll be completely healed when I see her again and don't care.

 

Thinking about it delays your healing and at the same time, holds you back from meeting someone else who possibly might be the one for you.

 

I'd say that pining over them delays your healing. You can't always force them out of your mind all the time. I do think the healthy way to think of an ex, when you do (and you will) is to remember the negative qualities they had and why you're better off without them. If you can control your throughts to that degree, getting over them will be an easier process.

 

Why give up an opportunity to start something new and exciting with someone else for the ex which you probably have baggage with and it probably is harder for things to get started again if they ever do. Once you stop thinking about it and stop looking for someone, it always seems to be the case for me that is that you finally do meet someone that catches your attention.

 

I don't think a fulfilling relationship with someone new is possbile until one is completely over their ex. Again, another reason to be able to face the ex. If you can do that and not care, you've gotten over them. Often times it's when we've gotten over an ex that they somehow weasel back into our lives. At that point, you have control again. You can walk away if you choose (which most of us should) or if you both have changed and really want to make it work, lay down the ground rules and go for it. Just be wary of repeat mistakes and red flags.

 

I think there are many of us that are holding back in case the ex does come around but really the chances are so slim.

 

If you read my guide in the "second chances" forum, you'll see that most of the advice really is how to get over them, not how to plot and scheme to get them back. Healing starts with you.

 

And yes I did hold back, way too long and the day I let it all go and said I'm sick of all of this things just magically happened. It's weird I know and maybe I'm just lucky but i'm glad that i'm done pining after my ex. It's just so drainging to deal with. But you guys do what you feel you need to do, from my own experience as of late, breaking NC could be the worst thing you do. Stop, breath and let go cause you're never going to move on if you keep thinking about wanting to talk to your ex or waiting for them to talk to you.

 

Agreed.

 

Most second chances fail, IMHO, because we never truly let go and got over them and worked on self-improvement, boundaries, heeding red flags and maintaining healthy levels of self confidence and self-esteem.

 

Second chances not withstanding, all those qualities are necessary for any sustained relationship. For one to thrive. When you have them, a second chance is possible but better yet, you're at a much better place to succeed with someone new.

 

The best of both worlds, in my opinion.

[bendit]

Something you do over and over is equate NC with "running away" and being in fear of the EX. That only by "practicing" having contact again you will be able to face her without cowering when the time comes when you "inevitably" will run into them. There are many problems with this way of seeing NC.

 

First, NC is not about being in fear of your ex. Its simply about the SUREST FASTEST WAY TO GET OVER THEM. Nothing more; nothing less. If you do happen to run into them, and cali you are the only one really believing (hoping?) this is inevitable, you will be in a far stronger position to be over them in NC, than you would be "practicing" LC. Nc is about getting to the point of indifference to them, FAR FASTER than you will if you practice LC.

 

Second Cali, even if you happen to be in the same place as your ex, there is no inevitability to running into them or talking to them, UNLESS YOU DESIRE TO. And that's what this is really all about in the end. Why else would you "prepare" to run into your ex by practicing LC when given the chance?

You don't have to talk to anyone.

 

It's perfectly fine to want to continue to have a relationship with the ex. But lets be honest about why we need a "guide" to breaking NC. There is only one reason to be accepting calls and emails from the ex. Its because you are still accepting of a relationship with this person. And, like others, I also ask WHY?

 

Now, you talk about courage. To think that practicing LC takes courage is laughable. In fact its the easy way out. Is NC more difficult or is LC more difficult? Ask anyone who has tried both. Of course NC is the more difficult path, taking much more resolve, more COURAGE. It requires letting go of the past and facing current fears of the vast unknown, head on.

 

Now, I ask who is more COURAGOUS? Those that take the hard hard road of getting through the pain in the surest quickest way, or those that take the easier road, accepting contact when it comes, and delaying healing to some point unknown?

 

 

regards

[CaliGuy]

Something you do over and over is equate NC with "running away" and being in fear of the EX. That only by "practicing" having contact again you will be able to face her without cowering when the time comes when you "inevitably" will run into them. There are many problems with this way of seeing NC.

 

First, NC is not about being in fear of your ex. Its simply about the SUREST FASTEST WAY TO GET OVER THEM. Nothing more; nothing less. If you do happen to run into them, and cali you are the only one really believing (hoping?) this is inevitable, you will be in a far stronger position to be over them in NC, than you would be "practicing" LC. Nc is about getting to the point of indifference to them, FAR FASTER than you will if you practice LC.

 

Second Cali, even if you happen to be in the same place as your ex, there is no inevitability to running into them or talking to them, UNLESS YOU DESIRE TO. And that's what this is really all about in the end. Why else would you "prepare" to run into your ex by practicing LC when given the chance?

You don't have to talk to anyone.

 

It's perfectly fine to want to continue to have a relationship with the ex. But lets be honest about why we need a "guide" to breaking NC. There is only one reason to be accepting calls and emails from the ex. Its because you are still accepting of a relationship with this person. And, like others, I also ask WHY?

 

Bendit, just because a relationship ends it does not mean you will never have to talk to them again. Some people have kids, share a bank account or a house, pets a car, etc.

 

In a perfect world, we'd be able to implement NC to the ninth degree and never have to speak to them again. But sometimes, that's just not reality.

 

Now, you talk about courage. To think that practicing LC takes courage is laughable. In fact its the easy way out. Is NC more difficult or is LC more difficult? Ask anyone who has tried both. Of course NC is the more difficult path, taking much more resolve, more COURAGE. It requires letting go of the past and facing current fears of the vast unknown, head on.

 

I agree letting to is essential. I also believe if you run into your ex and high tail it out of there is akin to cowardice. I also agree keep it short, simple and to the point and don't give out info. But running away? Come on. We're adults.

 

Now, I ask who is more COURAGOUS? Those that take the hard hard road of getting through the pain in the surest quickest way, or those that take the easier road, accepting contact when it comes, and delaying healing to some point unknown?

 

It takes more courage to face your ex than it does to ignore them.

 

Think about it.