When is breaking NC ok? (A guide)

[alphamale]

Why 1,2 or 3 months?

 

Can you clarify why this length of time is necessary.

because then you have the upper hand and don't come off as needy and desperate....

[CaliGuy]

Cali, couple points. yes everyone is different. Look NC LC either one is not going to kill you. If people want to drag out their healing with the hopes that they may get a second chance, that's Not going to kill them.

 

I never said "wait around pining for them" did I? I said focus on yourself, heal up, live life and have a good time. If they decide to contact you then you are in control and can decide if you want to give it another go or not.

 

The point is control is handed to you. They might have changed as well, they might not have.

 

And I think its clear that for you, if she "said" the right things to you, that you'd be up for another go around with her. At least that's the message you send. So there is fine line between coping and second chance forums. And its seems clear to me that you want and desire a relationship with your ex "after" you've done your healing. If not please correct me. So total NC may not be for you.

 

For me, no. But I know the series of events that has to happen for my ex to change. I couldn't take her back as she is now, that is for sure. But I haven't stopped living my life. I'm still having a great time, enjoying life, hanging out with friends and delving into hobbies. My life is going on without her.

 

But I am 100% clear in my message for one reason and one reason only. And that is that there is a proven 100% tested method for getting through to the other side and healing a damaged ego at the hands of an abusive ex. And that is total NC.

 

Are you insinuating every Ex was abusive?! Like I said, it takes two to make a relationship and usually (not always) when a breakup occurs both carry some fault.

 

I realize that this is scary to many people and many are not ready for that because again its SO SCARY and final. And many still have hope.

 

True, the thought is final but in reality, nothing is ever final. There have been plenty of instances where a dumper has said "Never contact me again" and lo and behold, they are the ones initiating contact.

 

But that isn't going to stop me from pounding on the message that the surest fastest way to healing is 100% NC. Its not for everybody no. But for those who have accepted with finality that its OVER and life goes on and there are going to be new loves among the many many people in their future, well my message is certainly for THEM.

 

I don't believe my message deviates from this as line #1 clearly states that.

[CaliGuy]

because then you have the upper hand and don't come off as needy and desperate....

 

You don't think waiting 1-3 months also says "I tried dating other people, but since that didn't work out I'm back to you."

 

To me, that's what it says if you wait that long.

 

A week or two, sure.

 

Three months? What would be the point of contacting them at all, then?

[alphamale]

You don't think waiting 1-3 months also says "I tried dating other people, but since that didn't work out I'm back to you."

no it doesn't say that at all....waiting 2 months says you're off doing your own thing. and anyways when you do call her back after 2 months you just say "well, it took me 2 months to decide whether or not I wanted to talk with you...."

 

A week or two, sure.

let me get this straigt CG....so you've been in NC with your ex for, lets say, 4 months.....then out of blue she calls you and you call her back within a week??? screw that.... even if you want her back you should make her sweat for 6 or 8 weeks.

 

Three months? What would be the point of contacting them at all, then?

well....during that 3 months you could gloat about having the upper hand and that she broke NC first and you did not call her back. Its a good ego boost and a fantastic feeling...

[In Sync]

Ah but you missed the point. It's not OK for you to initiate contact. They have to be the ones initiating contact.

 

Then whatever you decide to do, you are the one in control. And ideally, that's how you want it to be.

 

Ah but Caliguy you keep missing the point, it doesn't matter if you physically initiate contact for it to be breaking NC, even if the ex initiates it, the moment you CHOOSE to respond by maintaining communication that's breaking NC. Especially if you continue communication and it causes you grief and upsets you. How you choose to respond is your choice. My point tat I keep asking is (and I'll phrase it another way) what for? After you healed recovered, whatever term you want to use...after you crossed that threshold why would one need to continue any communication even if they were the one to initiate it.

[Art_Critic]

Three months? What would be the point of contacting them at all, then?

 

Exactly.. you will have been healed and moved on and there will be no need to contact an ex..

 

Cali.. you seem to have the need to come up with rules so you can feel good about contacting your ex..

 

Just stick to NC and there is no more need to create more rules..

[bendit]

I never said "wait around pining for them" did I? I said focus on yourself, heal up, live life and have a good time. If they decide to contact you then you are in control and can decide if you want to give it another go or not.

 

 

Cali why did you put that in quotes implying I said this about you? I never used those words. Not even close. And to put them in quotes is misleading the readers.

 

Anyway there is only ONE reason to accept contact from you ex and that is you want a relationship with them, be it friends lovers whatever. That's the only reason to accept contact from them. For those that want that, go ahead and accept contact. And good luck with your healing.

 

But most here in the coping section are in PAIN and to put up a post telling them that contact is ok under certain conditions, is quite possibly sending a counterproductive message to folks who are hurting. I think fear is what holds us back from letting go. I don't think its "running" at all to say I am moving on and letting go of the past. That's courageous in my book.

 

And please. When it comes to LC that you find acceptable, please leave No Foolin, who is scarcely a proponent of it, out of it.

 

regards

[Ariadne]

If they decide to contact you then you are in control and can decide if you want to give it another go or not. The point is control is handed to you.

 

Well, I don't agree with you here.

 

A healthy relationship shouldn't be about control but partnership.

 

A simple mutual agreement is enough.

 

Ariadne

[CaliGuy]

Ah but Caliguy you keep missing the point, it doesn't matter if you physically initiate contact for it to be breaking NC, even if the ex initiates it, the moment you CHOOSE to respond by maintaining communication that's breaking NC. Especially if you continue communication and it causes you grief and upsets you. How you choose to respond is your choice. My point tat I keep asking is (and I'll phrase it another way) what for? After you healed recovered, whatever term you want to use...after you crossed that threshold why would one need to continue any communication even if they were the one to initiate it.

 

I surmise from your response that you feel that being "recovered" in your eyes means you would never go back to the ex, even if they changed?

 

You and Bendit feel once a relationship is over, it's done. I don't know that I agree with that thought process. People can and do change.

[CaliGuy]

Exactly.. you will have been healed and moved on and there will be no need to contact an ex..

 

Cali.. you seem to have the need to come up with rules so you can feel good about contacting your ex..

 

Just stick to NC and there is no more need to create more rules..

 

Actually what promoted this post had nothing to do with my ex at all.

 

Bendit, I might have misquoted the original post of No Foolin, so I'll have to go back and find which post it was where that was said. Granted, his information is good but not the 'end all' of NC/LC. There ARE exceptions to every rule. And part of COPING is dealing with Exs, so I think the thread is appriate here. But thanks for the insight.

[hurtbeyondwords]

holy bashing batman! Cali guy I appreciated the post. You cant please everyone

[climbergirl]

no it doesn't say that at all....waiting 2 months says you're off doing your own thing. and anyways when you do call her back after 2 months you just say "well, it took me 2 months to decide whether or not I wanted to talk with you...."

 

 

let me get this straigt CG....so you've been in NC with your ex for, lets say, 4 months.....then out of blue she calls you and you call her back within a week??? screw that.... even if you want her back you should make her sweat for 6 or 8 weeks.

 

 

well....during that 3 months you could gloat about having the upper hand and that she broke NC first and you did not call her back. Its a good ego boost and a fantastic feeling...

 

Under that premise don't even attempt to try to get him/her back..........it's doomed already if started with vindictiveness.

[RecordProducer]

If you answer the phone (even if you know who's calling), you're accepting to break NC, because you want to see what they want. Calling them after a day or two means you ALSO initiate contact, plus it gives you enough time to sweat with predictions about what she or he might want from you.

 

Perhaps they just wanted to ask you about the name of that lovely restaurant (probably cuz they want to bring their new partner there) or to ask you if they can throw away your CDs or they should mail them to you.

 

Exes can be very inconsiderate when it comes to contacting the dumpee. They might find the stupidest reasons to call you just so they can feel how much you're hurting, ie. see how much you love them - which boosts their ego.

 

In order to stop them from calling you for unimportant things and actually be in control, I suggest you write them a short email letting them know that whatever they have to say, they can write in an email IF IT'S IMPORTANT. By doing that, you're not letting them play with your heart. Don't give them any explanations such as "you know how hard it is for me to talk to you..." as it only feeds their ego and makes them think that they still rule the game. I wouldn't give them any hints about how disturbing their calls is, but rather that they are a part of the past and there is no need for communication.

 

If they have anything to say, they can type it too. If they have a question, they can type it too and you can type the answer if you choose to do so. If they still insist to talk on the phone or in person, it might be a chance for you to reconcile so if that's what you want, I'd accept it.

 

But if you don't want to reconcile, I wouldn't accept any communication form unless it's a matter of life and death.

[CaliGuy]

holy bashing batman! Cali guy I appreciated the post. You cant please everyone

 

I realize we all have strong opinions so I am not offended in any way, nor do I feel like I need to justify my own

 

I just wanted to give a different perspective. Some people look at NC like religion. I just don't think that everything is black and white all the time.

[riobikini]

Examples of establishing my own brand of 'NC' from my own cache of stupid experiences.

 

The following two emails are from two different people, both having the 'B' name (shaking my head and muttering to God about the coincidence, myself)..

 

(Smile)

 

This one was my response to a surprise email sent to me a couple of days ago from someone I ended it with a year ago, now coming to me in the wake of the more recent break-up with the presently 'disposed of' B**:

 

 

Thank you, B**, it is nice to know I am well thought of, however, I truly do not wish to hear from you.

 

It seems there have been too many 'B**' in my life this past two years, and I have vowed to stay as far from anyone with a 'B' name the rest of my life.

 

But thanks, anyway.

 

Take care.

 

-My Name

 

 

blankety-blankety-blank> wrote:

 

Hey there...

 

Just wanted to let YOU KNOW that I Think about you Often [not to mention your laughs and smiles - wondering how the girls are and if you're OK...

 

 

That is IMPORTANT TO ME!!!

 

 

 

B** on the Mtn

 

 

The End.

 

Now, the email I sent to the recent 'B**' to establish 'NC' status...I was (Smile) a little nasty, I'll admit, -but- after all, under the circumstances, I feel like I was entitled to just a bit of a jab.

 

Here it is:

 

B**, I know that, when people send emails, sometimes, they do it by choosing from a list of those stored in an address list kept in easy access on their computer.

 

We have been exchanging almost-insignificant emails for awhile, now.

 

I truly do not know why you continue to send me anything.

 

I have sent my own exchanges back to you out of courtesy, politeness, and some concern in knowing that you are doing OK.

 

But there is no need for me to know that, now, and I have no wish to resume our short acquaintance, nor continue with you in friendship.

 

I would simply find it too awkward.

 

In addition, I have begun seeing someone with whom I have mutual interests & goals, this time -and I would like our email exchanges to stop, as well as any future contact of any kind from you.

 

I'm not trying to be nasty, but, B**, -I have been needing to tell you this for weeks.

 

I have been mailing you back 'thank yous ' and meaningless replies, instead, because I guess, I have a tendency to be more gracious than I should be.

 

Your contact has been very painful for me, for reasons neither one of us needs to talk about, now.

 

Thank you for the nicer things you have done, though, -and I certainly wish you anything but my experience with you.

 

Sincerely,

-My Name

 

Now, (Smile) I do admit to one wee untruth...but it was called for, in my book: the 'wee untruth' is that I really am not seeing anyone seriously, -also, the thing about it being a 'short acquaintance'? Well, that was a little something for me, too.

 

I felt that the addition about the new 'someone' would give a 'finality' to my decision and discourage any re-tries or any further false hopes on both our part.

 

It was, in fact, the crux de gras, -because I truly meant to kill it (all hope of a relationship) off.

 

'NC' was my only real hope for protection.

 

I heard nothing back from the first email, so the results were good. I do want to point out one note about that particular B**, though: please note that this relationship ended a year ago and he is re-contacting me after all this time, proving that you should always be on your guard for unexpected contact somewhere out there.

 

The second email, from the more recent break-up, called me via cell phone the very next day, -it was the first time I had heard his voice since before Christmas.

 

I may share that conversation in more detail soon, but not now.

 

Point: it achieved results and by the end of the convo, 'NC' status was made clear and final.

 

Hope these examples of my own sorry break-up history helps someone regarding truly ending it, and establishing a specific starting point you can pin down that says back to you: "Here's where I began 'NC'.

 

So, folks, I am married to -fully and deeply committed to- 'NC', now.

 

(Smile)

 

Take Care.

 

-Rio

[Pyro]

no it doesn't say that at all....waiting 2 months says you're off doing your own thing. and anyways when you do call her back after 2 months you just say "well, it took me 2 months to decide whether or not I wanted to talk with you...."

 

 

let me get this straigt CG....so you've been in NC with your ex for, lets say, 4 months.....then out of blue she calls you and you call her back within a week??? screw that.... even if you want her back you should make her sweat for 6 or 8 weeks.

 

 

well....during that 3 months you could gloat about having the upper hand and that she broke NC first and you did not call her back. Its a good ego boost and a fantastic feeling...

 

It is pointless to wait for months before returning a call. What is the point of an ego boost? There is no need to have an ego, it just makes you a less of a person. These pointless BS games will not work in order to have a legitimate relationship.

[In Sync]

I surmise from your response that you feel that being "recovered" in your eyes means you would never go back to the ex, even if they changed?

 

You and Bendit feel once a relationship is over, it's done. I don't know that I agree with that thought process. People can and do change.

 

 

Caliguy,

When a person ends it, and we've all been there...that person (the ex, my ex, your ex made a decision) If the breakup was mutual...of course you can maintain communication friendship or whatever you want to label it. In the case where it was not mutual and you have been "dumped" reluctantly and it's devasting to you. For those who have left shattered out of shock or a sense of betrayal, you know the stories ...that is a sign that NC is the healthiest of options for you. Especially for those of us who a struggling with the breakup. For those who can't let go....Now fast forward to your healing process weeks and months have gone by. You begin to feel better and anew..

So still I ask you the same question: Why would you want to break NC (even if the ex initiates it)? Why do you need to resume communication. It's not about facing fears, because that ex has no power over you, they are irrevlevent since during that "recovery" phase you've ideally use that period for growth. You've moved on. What can that ex bring to this new person within you?

[climbergirl]

Caliguy,

When a person ends it, and we've all been there...that person (the ex, my ex, your ex made a decision) If the breakup was mutual...of course you can maintain communication friendship or whatever you want to label it. In the case where it was not mutual and you have been "dumped" reluctantly and it's devasting to you. For those who have left shattered out of shock or a sense of betrayal, you know the stories ...that is a sign that NC is the healthiest of options for you. Especially for those of us who a struggling with the breakup. For those who can't let go....Now fast forward to your healing process weeks and months have gone by. You begin to feel better and anew..

So still I ask you the same question: Why would you want to break NC (even if the ex initiates it)? Why do you need to resume communication. It's not about facing fears, because that ex has no power over you, they are irrevlevent since during that "recovery" phase you've ideally use that period for growth. You've moved on. What can that ex bring to this new person within you?[/quote]

 

I'm not trying to speak for Caliguy, but what I got from his original post is that every 'break up' is different.

Your statement of 'period of growth' is what I'm referring to.........in an abusive (i.e.-cheating/lying/verbal/physical) relationship it would be wise to steer clear of an ex. However, in lieu of above reasons, it would be naive (and a bit narcissistic) to assume that an ex hasn't had a period of growth as well.

[Pyro]

Caliguy,

When a person ends it, and we've all been there...that person (the ex, my ex, your ex made a decision) If the breakup was mutual...of course you can maintain communication friendship or whatever you want to label it. In the case where it was not mutual and you have been "dumped" reluctantly and it's devasting to you. For those who have left shattered out of shock or a sense of betrayal, you know the stories ...that is a sign that NC is the healthiest of options for you. Especially for those of us who a struggling with the breakup. For those who can't let go....Now fast forward to your healing process weeks and months have gone by. You begin to feel better and anew..

So still I ask you the same question: Why would you want to break NC (even if the ex initiates it)? Why do you need to resume communication. It's not about facing fears, because that ex has no power over you, they are irrevlevent since during that "recovery" phase you've ideally use that period for growth. You've moved on. What can that ex bring to this new person within you?[/quote]

 

I'm not trying to speak for Caliguy, but what I got from his original post is that every 'break up' is different.

Your statement of 'period of growth' is what I'm referring to.........in an abusive (i.e.-cheating/lying/verbal/physical) relationship it would be wise to steer clear of an ex. However, in lieu of above reasons, it would be naive (and a bit narcissistic) to assume that an ex hasn't had a period of growth as well.

 

Exactly! Some people need to realize that every relationship is different. For some you are able to communicate with the ex after a while of NC and for others, like you said above, NC is not a good idea.

[alphamale]

These pointless BS games will not work in order to have a legitimate relationship.

Actually RIDDLER, the BS games do have a point, and that point is to keep the other party interested in you. All relationships must be managed on a day-to-day basis and sometimes you cannot be nice. That's life, accept it.

[Dinnj1]

All relationships must be managed on a day-to-day basis and sometimes you cannot be nice. That's life, accept it.

 

have to agree to an extent... but would also add.. .setting boundaries that shouldn't/can't be crossed. If these boundaries aren't set EARLY in the relationship, then chances are ONE of the partners will eventually take advantage of the relationship... using the 'other' up and eventually finding someone new. BECAUSE THE DUMPEE HAD NO BOUNDARIES!

 

Believe me, when you recieve a phone call after 4 months of NC from the person that buried your self asteem... chances are, they already know you will call them back right away. No different then when you "USE" to answer every one of their phonecalls OR call them back right away, always kept a 'date' with them, always were there for them... This kind of behavior ruins most relationships... So waiting 1,2, or 3 days to call em' back, would be no different then answering the phone... "Hello, I love you, miss you and dont care that you crushed me 4 months ago"

 

BTW, this is a good thread for me, because I woke up this morning, tempted to write an email... and after reading through these posts, I realized I wrote her last, she hasn't responded in two weeks therefore, I refuse to send another until I hear from her.

[bendit]

It really depends on your goals. The ONLY reason to want to accept contact with the ex is if you still pine away for her and want to have a relationship of some kind. Can anybody think of another?

 

Giving advice to copers about how to contact your ex After the coping is complete seems misplaced no? I mean if you are through coping, why do you need acvice on how to deal with the ex? Get the point?

 

So once again, this LC advice is about wanting a second chance correct? So lets just get real clear on what this is really about. And that's why I continue to say that there is a place for counseling folks to break NC and that is in the second chance forum. Now, there may be people "hiding" out in the coping section who really truly want a second chance with Mr or Ms wonderful. I think they need to get clear on what exactly they want. Perhaps being more honest with themselves as well.

 

Why do you think the folks at Loveshack have a second chances section? The reason is to separate them out from copers because their needs are not at all in alignment. Can a coper do LC? Sure. It isn't going to kill them though it very well may set them back months in their healing. Guess what? NC won't kill you either but it is MORE difficult to do than LC as we all can attest. But its also more rewarding in the long run.

 

I believe that copers should understand that doing LC is a high risk strategy that will delay your healing if in fact the one in a million shot that successfully "going back" after months and months apart represents, does not happen. Copers should be aware of the motivations of those who are proponents of LC. Do they really just want a second chance and are they projecting those desires onto the coping forum? Copers and Second Chancers have to be clear about what they want to accomplish. If you want to initiate a strategy to rope in your ex, you will find many who will support your efforts and advise you on the use of LC, in the second chance forum on Loveshack.

 

regards

 

 

Exactly! Some people need to realize that every relationship is different. For some you are able to communicate with the ex after a while of NC and for others, like you said above, NC is not a good idea.

[In Sync]

Caliguy,

When a person ends it, and we've all been there...that person (the ex, my ex, your ex made a decision) If the breakup was mutual...of course you can maintain communication friendship or whatever you want to label it. In the case where it was not mutual and you have been "dumped" reluctantly and it's devasting to you. For those who have left shattered out of shock or a sense of betrayal, you know the stories ...that is a sign that NC is the healthiest of options for you. Especially for those of us who a struggling with the breakup. For those who can't let go....Now fast forward to your healing process weeks and months have gone by. You begin to feel better and anew..

So still I ask you the same question: Why would you want to break NC (even if the ex initiates it)? Why do you need to resume communication. It's not about facing fears, because that ex has no power over you, they are irrevlevent since during that "recovery" phase you've ideally use that period for growth. You've moved on. What can that ex bring to this new person within you?[/quote]

 

I'm not trying to speak for Caliguy, but what I got from his original post is that every 'break up' is different.

Your statement of 'period of growth' is what I'm referring to.........in an abusive (i.e.-cheating/lying/verbal/physical) relationship it would be wise to steer clear of an ex. However, in lieu of above reasons, it would be naive (and a bit narcissistic) to assume that an ex hasn't had a period of growth as well.

 

I am aware that Caliguy wasn't referring to every breakup and to the relationships where it is feasible. But it seems funny that no one has answer my basic question as to why you want to break NC? I keep reading the same line in different variations that not every relationship breakup is different. Mind you if you read my post I too make a distinction from te breakups where it's amiable from the one where it's not mutual and more emotionally charged. Still WHY would you want to break it? NC is usually done in a relationship that's the latter situation. SO what do you gain by breaking NC (Again even if it's the ex that initiates it?)

Here's where I think the original question is a bit of a crock. I am sure that when you meet your next major love of your life maintaining LC goes out the window! I mean is anyone really still interested in contacting their ex, when the person of their dreams appears in their life who inspires awesome love in you...I wanna know are you still interested in maintaining that LC with the ex that dumped and/or hurt you? Hmmmm?

[Pyro]

Actually RIDDLER, the BS games do have a point, and that point is to keep the other party interested in you. All relationships must be managed on a day-to-day basis and sometimes you cannot be nice. That's life, accept it.

 

You are correct that relationships should be taken one day at a time. It is ridiculous to believe that you have to play childish immature games to keep the other party interested. Individuals who believe that must not have much of a personality or have a heart. I try to make my relationships last. The only time that I have to be not nice to my S.O. is if I discovered that any act of infidelity occured. I guess that our versions of life is different.

[alphamale]

It is ridiculous to believe that you have to play childish immature games to keep the other party interested.

Well RIDDLER, life in general is pretty ridiculous....would not you agree?