engaged and hanging out with a buncha chicks

[LongTallSally]

Maybe I am overreacting, but I was away all last week in a different country studying with a group from school. (i was with one girl the whole time, we avoided the rest of the group because they were morons. and not many guys went anyway.)

 

While I was gone, my fiancé was out with his friends, which is nothing unusual. I am not the type of girl who thinks his life ends because he is with me. I want him to hang out with his friends, and never object to his going out. I never go with him, I think it should be his time; I don’t feel the need to follow him wherever he goes.

 

Anyway, my fiancé doesn’t have a myspace, but I do. I came across his friend’s space (one of the guys he was out with) and I find out that he was also out with a bunch of girls we don’t know too. I see his friend’s messages to some of the girls (nothing incriminating) and some back to his friend, indicating they were in fact in the same place as him.

 

So, when I ask him about it, he doesn’t even get defensive. He says “I didn’t think it was a big deal to mention it. They were just in the same place with us, it wasn’t like I was just sitting hanging around with a bunch of girls. They were just there. They’re ryan’s friends.” He also says he was talking to ryan all night, but I also found out through myspace that ryan brought a girl that he was busy canoodling with all night, not leaving a whole lot of attention for my fiancé.

 

Maybe I just think it’s weird that he isn’t defensive about it, because I would be if confronted with something like this, especially if I didn’t do anything. I would be furious that he didn’t trust me. But it was just like he had an explanation all lined up, totally calm.

 

I saw on his friend’s myspace that they are scheduled to go out with the same people on Friday night. it said it should be “ryan, jim, mike, john,( my fiancé), and beth and all her friends.”

 

I know these people are his friends (the guys) and that the girls are his friends’ friends, but I guess it strikes me as odd that he goes off on these outings with his single friends and a bunch of chicks, and thinks nothing of it. I mean, is this how it always is? And I’m just left at home thinking he’s out with the guys?

 

It even bothers him when I have group projects for school that involve working with guys in the group.

 

The next outing wasn’t mentioned to me at all. I’m leaving tomorrow morning to go to my parents’ house (after having been away, I have presents for them and stuff) and now I am wondering if he is just leaving it out because he knows I might be suspicious and make it obvious that I am uncomfortable, meaning he’ll feel obligated not to go.

 

I trust him, usually, I don’t know why this is any different. I never have any trust issues with him at all. Something just feels wrong this time. What exactly do I from this point?

[tanbark813]

Why not go hang out with him? I know you can't this time since you'll be leaving, but for future get-togethers.

[LongTallSally]

Why not go hang out with him? I know you can't this time since you'll be leaving, but for future get-togethers.

 

well, i like him to have his own time. this means i have my own time too, and since we live together, i obviously don't get too much of it! i usually reserve the nights he goes out to go out with my friends, or just to stay home and relax myself.

 

he doesn't come with to hang out with my friends either, but we don't hang out at bars tggether. we just hang out at someone's house or something. and there are strangers involved to be concerned with for him.

 

i also don't think i would have a very good time with his friends. they just aren't the type of people i would purposely hang out with.

 

not to mention, i really don't want to meet a bunch of girls either. though i didn't realize this was an option until recently, seeing as i thought it was always just the guys.

 

my question is really, am i overreacting? it's possible. i guess i am not used to feeling unsure about him, so this is new to me. it feels weird, and i'm not sure whayt exactly to do about it. plus i don't want to piss him off for no good reason. i just can't pinpoint what feels different this time.

[tanbark813]

I wouldn't say you're overreacting. It could be something or it could be nothing. Actually I think the fact that he wasn't defensive when you asked about it is a good thing. People are more likely to get defensive when they have something to hide.

 

Do you guys always hang with your own friends seperately? If so, do you know if it bothers him?

[prfrogkisser]

You seem to know in your heart what to do but you just need reassurance.If his behavior is bothering you let him know. Be honest. No man should hurt your feelings or put you through drama. If he cares about you he will understand. If this doesnt work meet the friends.Parents do this all the time when they want to see who we hang out with. Make your own conclusions on how they behave and he behaves around them. If this creates tension and he doesnt want you involved in this well thats a sign.

Another thing why are you still on my space reading that stuff if you trust him? Women have a sixth sense towards boyfriends unusual behavior go find out if its just your imagination or your fiance is having doubts about not being single anymore.

 

:love:"Be very careful if you make a woman cry,because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib: not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior,but from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved"

[LongTallSally]

I wouldn't say you're overreacting. It could be something or it could be nothing. Actually I think the fact that he wasn't defensive when you asked about it is a good thing. People are more likely to get defensive when they have something to hide.

 

Do you guys always hang with your own friends seperately? If so, do you know if it bothers him?

 

well, it could be good that he wasn't defensive, i just know that i would be. and i have seen him get angry when i would get mad at him for something that was a mistake, and he would get a little more than defensive, as people sometimes do when confronted with something they didn't do. it's never been anything too bad, it could be something as simple as putting away a dirty dish in the cabinet--if i said "you did this" he would say "no, i didn't, you did" and i would say "i wasn't even here to do it, i haven't been home" and he would come back with "i wasn't here either, so it also wasn't me. i'm just as sure that i didn't do it as you are that you didn't do it!"

 

so if he gets semi-emotional about something as silly as that, why the calm explanation for this?

 

yes, we do always hang out with our friends separately. it just happens that way, for the reasons i described in the second post. he never seems to mind, but he knows he has no reason to. we don't go to places where meeting people or hanging out with a bunch of guys is an even an option.

 

to tell the truth, i don't care that he was out and there were girls there; it was more his non-chalant attitude, like it was rehearsed. i just don't know why something feels so not right about this time.

[LongTallSally]

You seem to know in your heart what to do but you just need reassurance.If his behavior is bothering you let him know. Be honest. No man should hurt your feelings or put you through drama. If he cares about you he will understand. If this doesnt work meet the friends.Parents do this all the time when they want to see who we hang out with. Make your own conclusions on how they behave and he behaves around them. If this creates tension and he doesnt want you involved in this well thats a sign.

 

Another thing why are you still on my space reading that stuff if you trust him? Women have a sixth sense towards boyfriends unusual behavior go find out if its just your imagination or your fiance is having doubts about not being single anymore.

 

what is it that you're thinking i know in my heart? because i actaully don't have an answer for that. i'm not thinking anything for sure.

 

i know his friends already, and i know what he's like around them (at least when i am there.) i've been out with them before, we just haven't done that in a while, and i don't really want to anyway.

 

and about meeting the girls, i don't see any need to meet them. they're apparently not his own friends, just his friends' friends that come out with them too. i don't know if this happens all the time or not, but as far as i ever knew it was just him and the guys. and i see no reason to meet them, much less be put in the position that is "i am going to meet these girls you are out with." i don't think it should be issue, and it pisses me off that it is.

 

i'm not his parent and i don't want to act like one. not to mention that going with him to hang out with all these people wouldn't prove anything. even if he was up to something, he certainly would curtail any incriminating behavior in my presence. not saying i necessarily think that would happen, but come on. what cheating guy says "fine, you wanna see what a night is like when i hang out with my friends" and then doesn't act like he's on his best behavior?

 

and for the record, i've looked at this myspace twice. it's not a private thing, i'm not sneaking around. i've known about it long before i saw the comments that lead to me find out my fiance with out with different people than i expected. i certainly wasn't expecting to find anything unusual. so after the first time i saw something unusual, of course i looked again. i don't know anyone who wouldn't.

[LongTallSally]

so i should stop looking at his friends myspace? even though it seems to be the only way to find out anything, even accidentally?

 

i'm not snooping in his emails or aim logs or anything, but would this call for that?

 

i am asking first because i don't want to do something stupid. i am not a snooping advocate, but i do think sometimes it's necessary.

 

is this one of those times?

[LongTallSally]

we had sex tonight. it was fervent.

 

he is up to something. he hasn't screwed me like he was boss in a while.

 

i know it. he's cheating on me, or he did cheat on me.

[LongTallSally]

a lot of people are looking, but no one seems to have anything to say. i am thinking it's because this topic has been covered before?

 

would someone be willing to point me in the direction of a similar thread?

 

thanks. this is driving me crazy and i am too embarrassed to tell real, live people that i know in my everyday life. because if i'm wrong, it will make our whole relationship look bad for nothing.

[Delectable]

You seem to know in your heart what to do but you just need reassurance.If his behavior is bothering you let him know. Be honest. No man should hurt your feelings or put you through drama. If he cares about you he will understand. If this doesnt work meet the friends.Parents do this all the time when they want to see who we hang out with. Make your own conclusions on how they behave and he behaves around them. If this creates tension and he doesnt want you involved in this well thats a sign.

Another thing why are you still on my space reading that stuff if you trust him? Women have a sixth sense towards boyfriends unusual behavior go find out if its just your imagination or your fiance is having doubts about not being single anymore.

 

:love:"Be very careful if you make a woman cry,because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib: not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior,but from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved"

 

People aren't responding because as you can see above you've gotten great advice but you keep trying to bump up your topic hoping someone will say something else. Maybe make you feel justified .. say something you want to hear mayber? In anycase you have received great advice...follow it or don't...as with anything in life (including the situation you are in) you have that choice.

 

I mean they told you to go with him you don't want to. They told you to let it go..you don't want to...What do you want to hear...,"Stay at home and hold onto this insecurity?"

 

Well now you have so

 

c o n g r a t u l a t i o n s

[brightskies]

Hi Sally,

 

You're right about the importance of space and allowing each other time on your own. But it sounds like your social lives are becoming almost too separate. Maybe his friends aren't necessarily your kind of people, but you might want to consider making the effort to hang out with them anyway at least now and again. Also, it would be nice to invite him out with your friends at least sometimes. Friends -- the kind of people he likes and how he interacts with them -- are a good indicator of how you and your bf might get along in the long term. It would be beneficial to get to know whom he spends time with, so in turn you get to know your bf better and vice-versa. Shared social time is as important as space. Otherwise, you drift too far apart.

 

Also, if you're uncomfortable about the situation, why not bring it up with him (calmly and not accusingly) vs. letting it fester in your head?

[LongTallSally]

People aren't responding because as you can see above you've gotten great advice but you keep trying to bump up your topic hoping someone will say something else. Maybe make you feel justified .. say something you want to hear mayber? In anycase you have received great advice...follow it or don't...as with anything in life (including the situation you are in) you have that choice.

 

I mean they told you to go with him you don't want to. They told you to let it go..you don't want to...What do you want to hear...,"Stay at home and hold onto this insecurity?"

 

Well now you have so

 

c o n g r a t u l a t i o n s

 

um, yeah...i did want to hear some other opinions. silly me.

 

 

i wasn't just looking for advice, i was looking for someone to talk about this with. i'm not waiting for something i want to hear, i am waiting for additional information, whatever that may be. if i don't think the advice is worth following, it's obviously not good advice for me. i've taken people's words and explained why something would or would not work for me and why. it helped me to better explain my situation. i have also added information and asked different questions than in my original post. it helps to pay attention.

 

i don't know why you're being rude, but i don't appreciate it. if you feel this is such a waste of time, then stop wasting your own time being antagonizing for no reason. i wasn't being rude in my last post; i asked for furthur help or to be pointed in the direction of someone else's situation that may have been posted before.

 

i obviously have enough on my mind. i don't need some stranger trying to be a bad-ass on the keyboard. my advice to you--get a life that doesn't involve belittling people who have a problem. take it or don't take it.

 

thank you, brightskies, for your opinion as well. i guess i never thought about making more effort to hang out with his friends; i hate clingy couples, i think it's pathetic. it just always seemed to make so much sense that we might as well hang out with our friends on the same nights so we would be together on the other nights.

 

this situation sucks. i really don't know what to think or do. i really don't think he would cheat on me, but as i said, there is something that just is not right about it this time. i don't know why this feeling is hanging on me.

 

oh, and i have brought it up to him. all i get is the "i didn't do anything wrong" and " i would never cheat on you" thing. which could or could not be true.

 

ugh.

[Delectable]

hey whatever you want to tell yourself and believe...believe...

 

lol

[Citizen Erased]

hey whatever you want to tell yourself and believe...believe...

 

lol

 

Wow put away the claws for a while honey, its unnecessary. The OP is asking for help, not someone to ridicule them for supposing that someone will give another opinion. Whatever is up your cooch, get over it.

 

OP, because he had sex with you in a (good?) way which is different to usual does not suggest an affair or cheating... it suggests you had sex differently... trust me, guys will have sex with you in the same way even if they have cheated. If only there was such a signal...

 

Anyway, he didnt make a big deal about going out with some chicks because it probably didn't even cross his mind. He was out with some friends of a friend. He has you and I think if something had of happened his friend would not have mentioned it on his myspace.

 

This has shaken your trust. You need to focus on why you have lost this trust. He hasnt lied or anything, so whats the real story behind this?

 

If you are going to work on this then I would suggest that perhaps the best thing would be to spend more time with him. You say you give him all the space he needs. Perhaps a lack of connection and communication is the reasons behind your distrust. Spend some time with him, hang out with his friends, he can hang out with yours. Just work on your relationship before you accuse him of cheating when you dont have any reason to believe so.

[LongTallSally]

Wow put away the claws for a while honey, its unnecessary. The OP is asking for help, not someone to ridicule them for supposing that someone will give another opinion. Whatever is up your cooch, get over it.

 

OP, because he had sex with you in a (good?) way which is different to usual does not suggest an affair or cheating... it suggests you had sex differently... trust me, guys will have sex with you in the same way even if they have cheated. If only there was such a signal...

 

Anyway, he didnt make a big deal about going out with some chicks because it probably didn't even cross his mind. He was out with some friends of a friend. He has you and I think if something had of happened his friend would not have mentioned it on his myspace.

 

This has shaken your trust. You need to focus on why you have lost this trust. He hasnt lied or anything, so whats the real story behind this?

 

If you are going to work on this then I would suggest that perhaps the best thing would be to spend more time with him. You say you give him all the space he needs. Perhaps a lack of connection and communication is the reasons behind your distrust. Spend some time with him, hang out with his friends, he can hang out with yours. Just work on your relationship before you accuse him of cheating when you dont have any reason to believe so.

 

thanks, coco.

 

we do spend a lot of time together--we live together. he rarely even goes out. it was just when he did this one time that the circumstances bug me.

 

thank you for you thoughtful response.

[brightskies]

thank you, brightskies, for your opinion as well. i guess i never thought about making more effort to hang out with his friends; i hate clingy couples, i think it's pathetic. it just always seemed to make so much sense that we might as well hang out with our friends on the same nights so we would be together on the other nights.

 

 

You're welcome. Just some questions:

 

How old are you two?

 

How long have you been together as a couple?

 

How long have you been living together?

 

How long have you been engaged?

 

When do you plan to marry?

 

 

Keep in mind, spending time your bf and either of your friends simultaneously doesn't have to get "clingy." It's just about maintaining balance between your need for personal space and sharing connections. Maybe it's trickier to do because you live together.

 

Apart from this recent situation, how has living together worked out for you two? The living together idea is a little intimidating to me, as I'm very protective of my personal space. My bf often says that he wants to spend every day with me and the idea makes me a little nervous. Not because I don't want to spend time with him, but because I also need time on my own. Sometimes, I even joke that if we were ever to marry some day, we should live across the street from each other. Then he sulks. But I do make an effort to spend time with him and his friends, because I know they're a big part of his life. A relationship can't work in a bubble. Friends are part of the package.

 

In my last relationship, I didn't really like some of my bf's friends and he didn't really like some of my friends. Those friends of his that I did like he didn't hang out with very much. So, we ended up hanging out with our own friends separately a LOT. That should've been a big warning already. It helped to drive a wedge between us, because we ended up not sharing common experiences outside of our couple time.

 

Do you dislike his friends because they seriously offend you in some way, or do you just find nothing in common with them? If it's the latter, it might still be worth the effort to try get to know them better. The bonus to being more friendly with his buddies is, they'll be more supportive of you being his gf/fiancee.

 

 

Coco has a good point:

 

This has shaken your trust. You need to focus on why you have lost this trust. He hasnt lied or anything, so whats the real story behind this?

 

If you are going to work on this then I would suggest that perhaps the best thing would be to spend more time with him. You say you give him all the space he needs. Perhaps a lack of connection and communication is the reasons behind your distrust. Spend some time with him, hang out with his friends, he can hang out with yours. Just work on your relationship before you accuse him of cheating when you dont have any reason to believe so.

 

 

The important thing to do is to communicate with your fiance. You might be surprised, he might not even realize that you've been so worked up. Like frogkisser said, be honest about it and pay attention to your instinct, especially if he's been acting different lately. Although at the same time, try to see if it's not something on your end. Have you been under a lot of stress (outside the relationship) lately? Is something else making you anxious that might be making you more analytical or sensitive?

 

I'm curious to see how things turn out for you, especially since you're engaged. And I hope that you definitely sort things out before you get married. Keep us posted.