I am going to have a break down over this...Someone make it stop..

[too unreal]

your chair analogy is hauntingly accurate.

 

The other thing is his possesiveness....i cant go anywhere but he can.

 

I have decided to become a nun. May as well, besides, at least it takes care of what to wear and I am almost assured a seat in heaven, right?!!

[whats wrong with me]

The other thing is his possesiveness....i cant go anywhere but he can.

 

after reading that I see things in a new light

 

 

Now I suggest you leave....NOW......

[whats wrong with me]

if you are in a situation like mine run run run before your married and before you have kids! if you put up contact info I will scare the crap out of you but will never post it here again

[too unreal]

Now I suggest you leave....NOW......

 

Whoa! Why do you say that??!!

[too unreal]

if you put up contact info I will scare the crap out of you but will never post it here again

 

I dont understand?

[whats wrong with me]

your story sounds like the beginning of my relationship and it is BAD. I gotta couple questions...how old are you 2 ? does you family and him get along? have you spoke w/ any of his exes? does he go with you to family functions?

[too unreal]

I only have an aunt, and she doesnt live in our state, plus she is a crazy woman from hell and thats it for family. His family is nice, and accepting. I havent spoke to exes because none of them live around here. I am 25 and he is 33. When I mean possesive, he just doesnt want me going anywhere, and as far as friends are concerned, I have one, but she cant get out much (lots of kids) and he doesnt like her anyway. He is just protective, I think.

 

How was your relationship to begin with??

[whats wrong with me]

like yours...in the beginning god I would like to tell you so much but cant

[nicki]

Yeah, I thought maybe he sounded abusive, too. Does he try to control you in other ways, too? Like money, time with family, friends, etc? Does he discount your ideas/thoughts? Watch out if you answer yes.

 

Does he want sex when you don't? Or has it been that long since you DIDN'T want it?

 

My ex was abusive and didn't want sex either. I don't know if it was a control thing, or what. Now that I'm divorced, I can have it anytime I want. I sure wouldn't want to go back to begging anyone. It can really destroy your self-esteem.

 

What if you just back off on the sex thing for a few weeks? Don't make an issue of it, don't ask him for it. Flirt your pretty little a** off with other guys.

 

Then you will find out: does he only want you when you don't want him?

 

If that's the case, then he has some big problems. Run away from him. He could be abusive, or a commitment phobic.

 

Take a step back and ask yourself if this guy is for you. If he has a medical problem, then he should be talking about it. If he's not talking, you've got an intimacy issue, at the very least.

 

I'd understand if he wasn't interested in sex because of something temporary, but when it becomes a pattern, something is wrong. He should care about how you feel about this issue. And want to do something about it.

[nicki]

Sorry, "Too Unreal," I reread your post. Seems like you have already tried the backing off thing, to no avail.

 

Also, I realized that you didn't say if his sex drive has dropped off, or has always been low. He may just have a lower sex drive than you. Once a week is common for a lot of couples once they are out of the "honeymoon" stage. But it might not be enough for you, and that's okay, too.

 

Personally, once a week if it was absolutely stellar, would be fine for me. I had a boyfriend like that, and it was great, once I knew that's just the way he was. I had been a once a day girl myself, and it took some getting used to. But, ahhh, quality over quantity, right?

 

Just wanted to add that possibility to the many possibilities you are wondering about.

[tigger]

LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE!

 

Though you might not see it all as possessive now....he's possessive. And abusive! Both physically and mentally! I tell you this from experience! He might not be physically hurting you yet - but do him wrong in the wrong way and you'll see it.

 

If you aren't tied down....and you have the ability to leave, leave. I'm not just talking move out, I'm talking leave the city/town/state you are in and start over. Because if you just leave, he'll get you back. If you just leave you are going to start a vicious cycle of hell. My cycle lasted 13 years.

 

I started out a 20 year old 100 pound cutie myself, 13 years later far overweight, depressed, with no confidence at all. You still have beauty and youth...use it to your ability and LEAVE. I beg you, I plead - get out before you are 33 with no self confidence!!!!! You will find someone awesome - I promise. I promise all of you out there is bad vicious relationships - not every man will treat you so badly!!!!!

[whats wrong with me]

thanks nikki and tigger for telling her the things I cant!!!!

[Becoming]

I'm 45. I have been married forever to a man very much like your bf. If I were 25 again knowing what I know now, I'd have divorced and moved on while I still had time to find someone to settle down with and have the children I wanted.

 

My H is a great guy, which is what makes not being wanted sexually so devastating. When I was 25 I was 5'8", 120# and still not wanted by my husband. I started gaining weight, I think, to ward off unwanted advances by other men. It didn't seem to matter to my H, so why not eat what I wanted, I figured.

 

I know the cycle you're in--things will be good for awhile (mine's two weeks) then nothing. He seems to mean well, but lacks follow-through. Teases you throughout the day, then doesn't initiate sex and pushes you away if you do.

 

The problem is not with you. It's with him, and honest to God, he'll make you nuts. (I've been practically certifiable.) You're already wondering what in the world is wrong with you. And the answer is NOTHING.

 

If you buy no other book this year, get a copy of How to Live with a Passive-Agressive Man by Scott Wentzel (I think that's his name). It is right on the money and will help you understand what you're doing to foster his problems with dependency. Yes, dependency. Read the book, and you'll understand.

 

He wants to cuddle up to you, you say. You, however, are so starved for physical intimacy you want sex and want it now! Do you feel like he's sometimes holding onto you like a drowning man would cling to pieces of a sinking ship? You and WWWM both say something I know, too--objectification--like you're simply an object of no more worth to him than a chair (an object of comfort, interestingly enough).

 

Do you also feel like your needs are always subordinate to his? Who subordinates them? And how are you complicit in this set-up?

 

For years I have been like a dog waiting under the table for any scraps of affection that might fall my way. The times when I am happiest are when I go off on my own to merrily chase whatever I want, when I refuse to place myself in that position anymore. I went back to school, raised two incredible human beings, have a wonderful career, am developing a larger social network of people in order to have a support system in place for when I am finally ready to walk away. I think it's the only way I'm going to keep my self-esteem.

 

My H has placed me in the mother role of taking care of him, which is why the cuddles don't feel good--they're often not nice, comfortable cuddles such as a man gives a woman, but more like security-blanket cuddles (perfect analogy!) or those like a little boy wants from Mama.

 

But I have acted like his mother in many ways instead of as an equal adult partner. I have also been like the person in the commercial where two people are playing tennis with one running around doing all the playing while the other person just stands there holding their racket.

 

These men's behavior doesn't qualify as "abuse" per se, but the end result is similar--you're left with no confidence of your ability to attract goodness into your life. You spend so much time working and working and working on the relationship that you have no time or energy to devote to other relationships like friends.

 

Maybe all the guys hitting on you is the universe's way of telling you something. You're not married. You may be in a committed relationship, but a committed relationship is something that works for BOTH people, and he's not working for you, plain and simple.

 

You KNOW this deep inside. So the question is, ladies, what's keeping us from leaving? In my case, it's children, not wanting to lose my dream house (which I will), fear of being alone for the rest of my life, not wanting to lose my best friend, and some slim hope that things really will change even though I'm pretty sure they won't.

 

The question becomes, for me, whether I can accept my reality with this man or not.

[nicki]

Can you accept your reality with this man?

 

I have plenty of friends who have gotten divorced in their forties. They date like crazy and have so much fun. Several have gotten re-married and are very happy. They know what it takes to be an equal partner. (I bet you know what it takes!) They also enjoy being step-parents.

 

Please know that you can always chose to leave and be happy. For me, it was better to be alone than married and lonely. You know what I mean? And I didn't end up alone, even though I was okay with the idea.

 

I'm getting that book, by the way. Sounds interesting. Does it give tips on how to spot a passive aggressive guy?

[kypepeo]

Bottomline, I don’t think you should ever be with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself. Your sexuality is a big and important part of you. He shouldn’t make you feel ashamed of wanting sex. You shouldn’t feel like a slut for wanting him to satisfy your needs. You are obviously not going to settle for the ‘4 times a month’ deal so leave him seeing as he’s obviously not motivated to change. You deserve someone who caters to all of you so go out there and get him!!

[too unreal]

Please, I urge all of you to read my other topic in the "Sexual & Reproductive Health and Practices" forum, under "my body is a vessel??.."

 

it was a little graphic for this post so I posted it over there, but I especially want "whats wrong with me" to read because when it happened, after I thought about it, I remember what she told me......

 

Thanks

[Guest]

 

I know the cycle you're in--things will be good for awhile (mine's two weeks) then nothing. He seems to mean well, but lacks follow-through. Teases you throughout the day, then doesn't initiate sex and pushes you away if you do.

 

The problem is not with you. It's with him, and honest to God, he'll make you nuts. (I've been practically certifiable.) You're already wondering what in the world is wrong with you. And the answer is NOTHING.

 

_____________________________________________________________

 

i have this problem in my realationship!! he will sit there and tease me and we will play around, but then NOTHING. its making me go crazy. i may also mention that i am 8 months pregnant... do you think that has anything to do with it? it never stopped him before though...... i dont know what is going on .

 

i asked him about it and he siad there was nothing wrong with me and that he loved me and he substitutes sex with hugs and cuddling. this doesnt bother me cuz we have gotten way more close emotionally when we used to just be physical. do yall think i should just wait til after the baby and everything when things are normal again after all the stress goes to decide whether to leave him or not??

 

i just dont know if i beleive all the "hoopla" about how stress and other factors can affect a mans sex drive but then again i dont wanna sound like im sayin all men are pigs and all they want is sex. i mean he used to wanna do it all the time. whats the point in teasing me and then not doing anything? ive never known (not to be gross) his member becoming hard , we are in the bed together, its nightime, we are watchin tv, and he doesnt do anything. WHAT IS IT AND WHY IS HE SO SHY TO TALK TO ME ABOUT THE PROBLEM??

[Becoming]

Guest--I've read that some men have this mother hang-up that their pregnant women trigger. He may be afraid he'll hurt the baby. There are lots of possible reasons. Have you talked to him about this? Has it just been since you've been pregnant? Or was it going on before, too? If you really are getting emotionally closer, why would you be wanting to leave, especially with a baby, which is a time when you need all the help you can get and then some.

 

And as I recall, nicki, the book How to Live with a Passive Aggressive Man doesn't include a chapter on spotting such a creature, but, trust me, you will see the signs after reading this book.

 

Can I accept my reality? Honestly, yes and no. Some days the yes wins, some days the no does. During those times when I feel like I'm beating my head against a wall with this guy, I've learned to turn and walk away and focus on my own life without him. And somehow, that helps far more than continuing to try.

 

In a sense, I'm divorced already without the dating, so I've come to appreciate what sex, money, and help with the children I do get from him. I just don't have time for his nonsense anymore, which I can spot a mile away now.

 

He, in turn, has learned that his old tricks don't work anymore, which meant he tried harder at his passive aggressive games, only to have me laugh at them (because it really was funny!). Then he was left alone and confused, so he did nothing. I, in the meantime, looked at apartments for him. That's when it finally dawned on him that I meant business about this nonsense stopping or I was leaving.

 

It's better now. How much? Who knows? It just comes down now to the question you asked, which is a question for me about me, not one focused on him. And that's what seems to make the difference.

 

We can't change another human being; we can only change ourselves. So I am changing me and how I respond, and I see that that's left room for him to change--or not. As I continue to change, he either will or will not, but I'm not sweating it now so much. If he doesn't, I'll continue to change right out of his life. That will be sad but bearable.

[Guest]

Guest--I've read that some men have this mother hang-up that their pregnant women trigger. He may be afraid he'll hurt the baby. There are lots of possible reasons. Have you talked to him about this? Has it just been since you've been pregnant? Or was it going on before, too? If you really are getting emotionally closer, why would you be wanting to leave, especially with a baby, which is a time when you need all the help you can get and then some.

 

 

Come to think of it, it has been since I was pregnant. But it hasn't been like this my whole pregnancy so that's why I'm like hmm ok... I have talked to him about it. I have asked him if its becuase he has lost physical attraction to me and he reassured me he hasnt but that he's just tired becuase of work and school. But this has also never stopped him before. So i have no idea what is going on. Its true that i shouldnt be getting upset like this, but when things get back to normal(as much as they can with a baby around) and things dont change, i guess thats when i should worry. Us being emotionally closer is great and i know i have no reason to complain, but its just weird. like its not the normal him you know what i mean? Also i guess because im pregnant, i want sex all the time so i guess its just aggravating to me. but anyway, thanks for the help! guess i just need to calm my hormones and take a cold shower hee hee

[IH8Women]

Well i will just let both of you know not all guys are like that, i will gladly have sex with either of ya, and not just one time, i can cuddle and make love with you however many times a day you want it, that is if you could keep up... im kinda jk because it would most likely never happen, but really, sounds like you girls either have alot of cheating going on, or these guys you are dating are fags, i dont know very many str8 guys that dont like sex... i love it, but i hate the way most girls are tho... wont stop me from havin sex