sil from hell

[tlschultz]

technically she's not really a sil. I'm only "dating" her big brother. We've been dating for 8 yrs. but I think that doesn't warrant any respect when it comes to his family. My boyfriend comes from a large family of 8 kids. He is in the middle and the one sister I do not care for is the baby. Go figure! I have the same complaints most have when it comes to in-laws. It's not always easy, but his family and mine are completely different! They are very nice people, but I have never really felt apart of his family. They have always been very introverted and don't seem to let outsiders in. We dated for 6 yrs. before they included me in their x-mas gift exchange. And when they did finally include me they did not include my son in the childrens exchange. I guess I could go on and on, but the fact of the matter is I can deal with feeling the seperation and the differences in our families. What I can't deal with is the youngest sister! She's never made any real attempt to try and get to know me. I guess she just decided she didn't like me. But when you hear a 30 yr. old woman say things like - " I get along much better with men than I do woman" only shows her maturity level! Of course all woman say that when their teenagers! She is snotty, condasending (?), dis-respectful and to put it bluntly, a real B%&^CH! It has been rather dis-appointing but I have to admit the real problem is that my boyfriend refuses to see it! Or to stick up for me! I know that I probably shouldn't complain to him, but when I do it's usually because I'm defending myself! He is oh so quick to point out when I do something he doesn't approve of and I'm tired of it. It's kind of sad because I know the real issue is between myself and him, but it's only making matters worse between the sister and I. It's hard for me to not resent her! So much that when he informed me the other day that "he and his family were a package deal", I almost told him, that the "deal" wasn't looking so good anymore. I can understand where he is coming from, but shouldn't it work both ways? Aren't him and I a package deal as well?

 

I love this man very much, but after 8 yrs. I have decided I am not willing to take her crap anymore. I did it in the past out of respect for him, but if I don't get that same respect back than I would be a fool to allow someone to treat me that way! Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks.

[whats wrong with me]

If the sisters name is Krystal ....run do not walk to the closest exit.

 

Really is there a way you could exclude his family some? Not all holidays have to be spent there!

[tlschultz]

We usually split holidays and that helps, but the problem is we purchased a home 1 1/2 yrs. ago. I sold mine and he sold his (only 1 mile away) to lil sis! Her and her husband (whom I get along great with and is proably part of the problem) stop in whenever they want! No phone call, no warning. My boyfriend is not ok with this but would dare not ever say only to me. He would consider me to be rude if I was to not drop whatever I was doing and visit. Never mind how rude it might be to drop in on someone and expect them to not be in the middle of something. When we first moved she was working evenings and her husband was coming by every night. Usually in the middle of us helping my 8th gr. son with homework and trying to cook dinner. When I finally asked if he could call first, my boyfriend was upset at me! My point was we would love to have him over for dinner, but could we just plan for it. They have no children so they don't understand what it's like to not be living the single life. I was very nice, but apparently that's not enough. I guess I have no right to set my boundaries. One characteristic his family lacks to an abnormal level! They view everything as confrontation. To the degree that most family functions are like going to a work function where theres that uncomfortable politeness.

[whats wrong with me]

you have every right to set boundries its your home. Look tell the B off your H will get over it and maybe his family will too with time.

 

At least if you cause a crazy scene you wont be bothered by them anymore.

 

And dont go to anymore "family" functions (at least not his familys) You married him not his family

[tlschultz]

Telling her off is exactly what is going to end up happening if he does not get a backbone and start sticking up for me and for himself for that matter. I would like to avoid that if at all possible, in an attempt to "be the bigger person"...BUT you do have a very good point and I'm sure they'll all get over it. If not, I will have atleast set my boundries. You've given me something good to think about! thanks!

[lindya]

They have always been very introverted and don't seem to let outsiders in. We dated for 6 yrs. before they included me in their x-mas gift exchange. And when they did finally include me they did not include my son in the childrens exchange.

 

That's rough on your son. If Iwere you, I'd very nicely explain to them that my son had felt a bit left out of things last year, and I was anxious to make him more included next Christmas. Would they maybe think about including him in the gift exchange?

 

I know it's a bit crap to have to ask, but the exclusion thing could just be down to genuine thoughtlessness on their part.

 

when you hear a 30 yr. old woman say things like - " I get along much better with men than I do woman" only shows her maturity level!

 

I know the type. I think women like that often dislike/despise other women because they project their own less than attractive traits onto the rest of their gender.

 

Of course all woman say that when their teenagers! She is snotty, condasending (?), dis-respectful and to put it bluntly, a real B%&^CH! It has been rather dis-appointing but I have to admit the real problem is that my boyfriend refuses to see it! Or to stick up for me!

 

He should stick up for you, but I get a little nagging feeling that you're not really going to feel that you have your bf's loyalty until he starts to actively dislike his own sister. I wonder what her perception of this situation is?

 

I love this man very much, but after 8 yrs. I have decided I am not willing to take her crap anymore. I did it in the past out of respect for him, but if I don't get that same respect back than I would be a fool to allow someone to treat me that way! Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks.

 

What is she doing, specifically, that is leaving you feeling like this? Is she specifically targetting you with her bitchiness, or is that just generally the way she is? I guess what I'm trying to figure out is whether you feel she needs to change her whole personality, or whether she just needs to change the way she deals with you. Obviously the latter would be easier to address.

[whats wrong with me]

I dont think he should "dislike" his sister...but dang he married you! Unless he's sleeping w/ his sister he needs to get off his high horse and defend you.......Afterall YOU ARE HIS WIFE AND HIS FAMILY NOW!!!!!

[tlschultz]

Lindya, in answer to your question about my son, it does hurt his feelings. But not because of the exclusion of the gift x-change, but the lack of support from my boyfriend. He adores him and they are the best of buds. Which is the same reason it hurts my feelings. It's his family and I feel it should have been his place to make the suggestion.

 

As for my contempt for his sister, I know I sound harsh, but you couldn't be more wrong about me wanting him to dis-like his own sister. I can understand thinking that and he probably does too unfortunately, but I have done nothing by try and it does me no good. If she was just a bitch I could deal with that, but it's only towards me. Normally I am a pretty forward person, but my boyfriend and his family avoid ANY sort of confrontation. If I was to re-act to a comment she might say. I would get the lecture of how rude I was when we got home. So, I've learned to stuff it when it comes to his family. For example on Christmas Eve we always invite the sister and her husband to come have dinner with my family. If they don't go out of town than they are alone on this night. In lieu of the gift-xchange his family hasI always make sure they have a gift under the tree at our house. I would feel bad if my family was opening gifts and they had nothing. Instead of a thank-you I usually get comments like "you don't have to buy us things so we'll like you". I have great sense of humor and can take alot of teasing, but when it's coming from someone who has hardly no sense of humor it's hard for me to take it as humor but instead a "dig" passed off as a joke because the person isn't big enough to just get it out on the table. Whew! long sentence! Anyway, I'm not cheap and usually drop a couple hundred dollars on an extra gift so they don't feel left out. Every year they come, we alway have a gift and every year they have never brought so much as a bottle of wine or even a X-mas card!

 

Another example: When we invite them to dinner they bring this set of friends I can't stand. I do all of the cooking and am never asked if I/we mind. And for along time I didn't until the obnoxious girlfriend whom is more crude than most men told me she "didn't give a s*** what I thought" when I asked her if she could stop open mouth burping I hated it. This was the one time I did put my foot down and asked her to not bring her friend to my home anymore. My boyfriend was so mad at me. I put alot of thought in to how I asked her and was very polite about it. The only respone I heard from her was "I don't give a s***". My only thought was if she doesn't give a s*** than why am I beating myself up trying to figure the best way to tell her this without offending her. But I did care and ended up sending her a really nice card the next day. I never got a thank-you for the card and she has not been back to our house since.

 

You have made me think about what my own actions have been to create the situation and I agree with you that I can't expect my boyfriend to hate his own sister and I probably have made him feel like that. And I have to admit it's not only the way she treats me, I really don't like her. She acts like a spoled rotten little teenager, but I don't see much hope considering she's 30yrs. old. I should have recognized a long time ago and because of that I complain more than I should. And I should handle things the way I normally do and if my byfrnd has a problem with that than he'll get over it. I get it off my chest, I set my boundries with her and he doesn't have to hear me complain anymore.

 

i also agree with "whats wrong with me" As well as my own things I've done to escalate the problem, getting absolutely NO support has not helped. Although I understand how hard it is to hear someone complain about your family members, a person should be able to recognize when their family members are wrong! Doesn't mean you don't love them anymore, just means you have your eyes open not closed.

 

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

[lindya]

For example on Christmas Eve we always invite the sister and her husband to come have dinner with my family. If they don't go out of town than they are alone on this night. In lieu of the gift-xchange his family hasI always make sure they have a gift under the tree at our house. I would feel bad if my family was opening gifts and they had nothing. Instead of a thank-you I usually get comments like "you don't have to buy us things so we'll like you". I have great sense of humor and can take alot of teasing, but when it's coming from someone who has hardly no sense of humor it's hard for me to take it as humor but instead a "dig" passed off as a joke because the person isn't big enough to just get it out on the table.

 

What a snotty bitch.

 

Another example: When we invite them to dinner they bring this set of friends I can't stand. I do all of the cooking

 

Excellent. Next time they visit I recommend you treat them to some soup des bodily fluids. Don't stint on the piss in your sil's helping...as for the obnoxious burper...

 

the obnoxious girlfriend whom is more crude than most men told me she "didn't give a s*** what I thought"

 

That's given me an idea for the chocolate mousse dessert.

 

when I asked her if she could stop open mouth burping I hated it. This was the one time I did put my foot down and asked her to not bring her friend to my home anymore. My boyfriend was so mad at me.

 

You totally have my sympathies. Most of my exes have had pretty decent friends, but every now and again you encounter a real horror. I think that having to spend time with people you really can't stand is one of the grimmest

aspects of being in a relationship.

 

 

You have made me think about what my own actions have been to create the situation and I agree with you that I can't expect my boyfriend to hate his own sister and I probably have made him feel like that. And I have to admit it's not only the way she treats me, I really don't like her.

 

It's a horrible feeling to have when you just can't stand a person. I don't get it very often, but every so often I'll meet someone who just sets the hairs on my neck standing on end...and I'm absolutely no good at faking friendliness towards them.

 

Although I understand how hard it is to hear someone complain about your family members, a person should be able to recognize when their family members are wrong! Doesn't mean you don't love them anymore, just means you have your eyes open not closed.

 

Agreed. I wonder how you can get the support you need from him. It's so difficult to advise without knowing all the dynamics....and, of course, how solid your relationship is. It sounds, though, as if it's time to sit down and have a "Houston we have a problem. How are we going to work it out?" chat with the bf....carefully setting the scene so that it's as relaxed an environment as possible, and aiming for discussion rather than debate.

 

Often these tensions only tend to get aired during arguments or following incidents that have heightened them....and, of course, at such times it's far harder to reach any resolution.