ehead Posted March 16, 2006 Share Posted March 16, 2006 I know it sounds silly, but I'm somewhat irked that my girlfriend has every one of her ex's still as an IM buddy. She says she doesn't chat with them. Rather, she doesn't chat with her last ex. The ex's from long ago (and in another state) she still chats with. Honestly, I could care less about all of them except for the last one. It just kind of rubs me the wrong way. I would think you would want to delete your ex from your IM list. Do you think she still has him there out of curiosity ? Sort of spying on him ? Does she just like torturing herself ? She tried to make it sound like she just didn't care enough to delete him, but somehow that seems implausible. How could you not notice him jumping online every now and then ? It would irritate me, and I'd delete them. The other option is she likes drama and is secretly hoping he may IM her, either to gloat to him about her new boyfriend or possibly to yell at him some more. Who knows. I'm probably just looking for something to irritate me and make me jealous. I knew she would have them all as IM buddies still. I didn't even have to ask. That irritated me in itself. Link to post Share on other sites
filarena Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 You didn't mention any of the details about her relationship with her ex. Are you worried she still has feelings for him? Or was it a nasty breakup and you don't understand why she'd still have an ex on her buddy list after that? I think the mere fact that he's on the buddy list doesn't necessarily say much. If she's talking to him all the time, and seems to want him back, that's another story. And have you expressed to her that this makes you uncomfortable? If yes, and he's still there, that's a rather different story than if you haven't said anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ehead Posted March 17, 2006 Author Share Posted March 17, 2006 No no ... she isn't interested in getting back with him. And the breakup wasn't terribly nasty, it was more like an agreed upon thing. She always talks crap about her ex though, saying he was a complete ass, but I'm starting to think that is just for my benefit. She seems to linger in these unhealthy relationships, because of a derth of positive friends (other than me, according to her). The thing is, and it may be just a slight exaggeration, but I'd say she is one of those somewhat weak, emotionally needy girls, with low self-esteem, who primarily relates to guys through this sort of slight flirty shyness (and of course they give her positive feedback when she acts this way). Anyway, I actually believe her when she says she never chats with him, but it's because he never chats with her more than likely. She would probably chat with him out of boredom and loneliness if he IM'd her. She is just emotionally needy (it doesn't matter how much I give ... if she is alone she feels lonely and needy). I guess I just wish she were stronger. That is an interesting point about lonliness though. When I first started dating her she was company for me even when she was not around. She gave me so much strength. Some people have such an aversion to being alone though. Some people need lots and lots of friends, wereas I've always been the type that only needs a few close ones. I had a (male) friend once that literally couldn't be alone for 2 hours. He would start calling everyone he knew. I wish I was company for her when I wasn't around, and gave her the same sort of strength she gave me. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 I think you hit the nail on the head. Personally, I think it's too much. It doesn't need to mean anything, other than that she's the type of girl who for good or ill needs to stay connected with people -- ultimately, do you want to be with that kind of girl. How long have you been with her? I'd just tell her either that you're not prepared to go forward with a relationship with her if she's got these kinds of needs (since she doesn't seem to be ready for a relationship), or just dump her. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 She always talks crap about her ex though, saying he was a complete ass so she still talks with an ex she bad mouthed? or she still has him on her BL? Just kinda curious as to why she'd keep him on the list/talk to him if hes such an ass and stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ehead Posted March 17, 2006 Author Share Posted March 17, 2006 Me too. That is what is irksome. Her explaination of just "forgetting" to remove him seems like a stretch. So really there are two possibilities: 1) He wasn't such an ass after all. 2) He was an ass and she keeps him on her IM list anyway. Possibly because she likes drama, is addicted to unhealthy relationships, gets terribly bored or lonely, etc ... Mind you, I really don't think she is interested in starting things up with him. I just wonder about the pychological health of someone that falls into number 2 above, and even to a lesser degree if she falls into number 1 above. Probably the truth is somewhere between 1 and 2. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 So really there are two possibilities: 1) He wasn't such an ass after all. 2) He was an ass and she keeps him on her IM list anyway. Possibly because she likes drama, is addicted to unhealthy relationships, gets terribly bored or lonely, etc ... Mind you, I really don't think she is interested in starting things up with him. I just wonder about the pychological health of someone that falls into number 2 above, and even to a lesser degree if she falls into number 1 above. Probably the truth is somewhere between 1 and 2. Well yeah, problem is 1 and 2 are both signs of trouble. If he wasn't an ass, she was lying to you for no reason about it. Possibly to draw your attention away from the possibility of something happening with them, while that in and of itself doesnt suggest she wants to cheat or get with him..as you said, it does raise questions as to why she'd feel the need to lie about it. And with number 2 is that he was an ass but she still kept him around. She "forgets" to remove him, but doesnt forget to bad mouth him? Strange, also sometimes during breakups people go out of their way to remove any memory of their ex, deleting their numbers, sn's,etc. I dont know, to me I'd be wondering why he wasn't removed or atleast blocked. My advice would be to get the truth out of her, and then try to find out why she acts that way. Again she might not be the cheating type, but there are other ways to screw up a relationship Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted March 26, 2006 Share Posted March 26, 2006 Could be a number of reasons - curiosity, boost to her self-esteem, she wants to get it on with them again, she's genuinely friends etc. Given that she has *all* of them on, I'd say it's not a good sign. Personally I'd tell her to delete all of them, when she argues just say do it because I say so, show her you're dead serious. If she agrees then it's probably not a big issue, if she refuses then that's a big red flag IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
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