WHAT TO DO

[diva714]

Three and a half years ago i met a wonderful man. We got married and have just cellbrated our 2nd anniversary. i thought I had found the best man in the whole world. well to make a long story short he pays all the bills, has a very good job and makes a lot of money. let me also mentioned that i do work as well. so he does pay bills and gives me half of his money. the problem is that he has a drug problem and he takes what he has left over and does drugs and is gone for the whole weekend and showes back up on sunday all remorseful and depreesed. and broke. he swears that he will get help but as soon as it appears to be forgotten about he turns around and does it again. i really dont have any other problems with this man except this, what can i do?

[Tony T]

You can tell him if he doesn't get help by Friday at 5 p.m., that is...if he doesn't seek medical and psychological intervention immediately, he can forget about coming home until he does. See an attorney and take the legal steps you have to in order to back up your threat.

 

Even though he makes lots of money and gives you lots, all this will come to a grinding halt when his heart stops or he becomes otherwise physically impaired by the effects of the drugs he takes.

 

If you are with him when he has drugs on his person or in the car and he is arrested, you will be arrested and jailed as well until you prove you are not a particpant in his drug activity.

 

For links to sites about drug addiction, go to the home page of this site, left click on links, and then left click on "addiction and recovery."

 

It seems it would also be nice for you if you had a husband who is not out doing drugs all weekend.

 

Good luck to you. This is an extremely serious problem which you must address immediately.

[witchbreed]

Addiction is a hard thing to overcome and most people need professional help. The partners of addicts too. It seems like you already are or are on the best way to become a co-dependent and being a co-dependent, you kind of strengthen the addiction.

 

Please go to a support group for partners of addicts and try to get your husband into a support group for addicts. The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to get out and the harder it will be to save your relationsship. I am sure you love your husband, but you really dont help him by putting up with his behaviour. You both need help and please do not cover for him, it only makes it easier for him to go on the way he is now. He needs help and love but covering up is no help.

 

Loving sometimes means too, that one has to stand up and say NO. Maybe he does need to know, that he is destroying you and your relationsship with his addiction and that, if he does not go for help, he will loose or destroy you. And I am sure, that he does love you, but he needs to overcome his addiction and you need to overcome your overindulgance to really enjoy and appreciate each other and life.

 

Keep us posted and I wish you and your husband all the best. Btw there is a good chance of overcoming addiction if one really wants it and is accepting help. I was a drug addict from age 17 till 21 and I am clean since 1982, I love my life and my kids (aged 12, 9 and 5).

[diva714]

I just want to say thank you for your help tony and witchbreed.

You can tell him if he doesn't get help by Friday at 5 p.m., that is...if he doesn't seek medical and psychological intervention immediately, he can forget about coming home until he does. See an attorney and take the legal steps you have to in order to back up your threat. Even though he makes lots of money and gives you lots, all this will come to a grinding halt when his heart stops or he becomes otherwise physically impaired by the effects of the drugs he takes.

 

If you are with him when he has drugs on his person or in the car and he is arrested, you will be arrested and jailed as well until you prove you are not a particpant in his drug activity.

 

For links to sites about drug addiction, go to the home page of this site, left click on links, and then left click on "addiction and recovery." It seems it would also be nice for you if you had a husband who is not out doing drugs all weekend. Good luck to you. This is an extremely serious problem which you must address immediately.

[BeenThere]

The fact that your husband manages to get up for work in the mornings and gives you enough money to cover his share of the finances does *not* mean that he's handling his addiction and everything is okay. A "good job" only means he has the ability right now to pay for the drugs without resorting to crime. If his employers discover this and he is fired, this too may change. Believe me, it WILL get a lot worse!

 

The fact that his addiction is keeping him away from home during his free time means that the quality time you need to spend together in order to hold this marriage together is also being sacrificed. Right now you are happy because he's helping with the bills. But a room mate will do that much.

 

If you love this man and want to help him, you are going to have to exercise what we call "tough love." It will be harder on you than it will ever be on him, so don't let guilt stop you from doing what needs to be done. All the talking in the world right now won't convince him to get help because he hasn't hit rock bottom. He hasn't hit rock bottom because he hasn't *lost* anything yet. Believe me, I sat in many of meeting with my ex-husband a long side of doctors and lawyers who had a more difficult time recovering from their addictions than the sterotyped "street addicts" because they had an abundance of accessabilty and means to supply their habit. My own husband had an $1000 a week coke habit, and it never effected us financially until years after his recovery when he looked back at all the things he could have had that went right up his nose. Not to mention the physical damage!

 

Right now, you have to decide whats more important to you; your husband's life...or your marraige and financial security. Because what you will eventually have to do, may jeapordize the latter. But whatever choice you make, remember, you are at risk of loosing everything anyway. Doing nothing will just prolong it. You can sit tight and watch him slowly kill himself and witness your marraige slowly erode...eventually to be paying all the bills anyway...or you can give him a FIRM ultimatum to get help NOW "or else." You will have to locate a 30 day clinic where he will have to "detox" with the help and support of professional councilers. You will have to attend many meetings with him as well as by yourself to learn how *not* to be an "enabler" and to aquire the skills you'll need to help him STAY recovered when he gets out. You will also have to quit using (if you are) and change the friends you associate with if they also use. Its a life-altering process. You may have to pay for his treatment unless your husbands health insurance covers it. You will have to notify his employer so that he can take the time from work that he needs. Check the employment laws in your state. I don't think he can be legally fired, and his job should not be at risk.

 

It's a long, tough road. Its as hard on the people who love the addict as it is on the user. And its not over if and when he leaves the treatment center. Once out, the REAL work begins...and for all of this you have a 99% chance that one day; be it one month down the road or 25 years, he will pick it up again.

 

Are you tough enough? Can you love him that much? I really hope so...

 

My prayers are with you. Good luck.

Three and a half years ago i met a wonderful man. We got married and have just cellbrated our 2nd anniversary. i thought I had found the best man in the whole world. well to make a long story short he pays all the bills, has a very good job and makes a lot of money. let me also mentioned that i do work as well. so he does pay bills and gives me half of his money. the problem is that he has a drug problem and he takes what he has left over and does drugs and is gone for the whole weekend and showes back up on sunday all remorseful and depreesed. and broke. he swears that he will get help but as soon as it appears to be forgotten about he turns around and does it again. i really dont have any other problems with this man except this, what can i do?

[diva714]

Thank you been there, i really apreciate your response. no i dont use and never have i just found out he was using and his family knew all along. come to find out he has been using for years way before my time. but you know what i love him enough to give that tough love and be there until the bitter or sweet end for better or for worse i am going to do what ever i have to to save my husband. i just needed to know how to start and thanks to people like you and tony and witchbreed i have a idea on where i am going so again thank you.

The fact that your husband manages to get up for work in the mornings and gives you enough money to cover his share of the finances does *not* mean that he's handling his addiction and everything is okay. A "good job" only means he has the ability right now to pay for the drugs without resorting to crime. If his employers discover this and he is fired, this too may change. Believe me, it WILL get a lot worse! The fact that his addiction is keeping him away from home during his free time means that the quality time you need to spend together in order to hold this marriage together is also being sacrificed. Right now you are happy because he's helping with the bills. But a room mate will do that much. If you love this man and want to help him, you are going to have to exercise what we call "tough love." It will be harder on you than it will ever be on him, so don't let guilt stop you from doing what needs to be done. All the talking in the world right now won't convince him to get help because he hasn't hit rock bottom. He hasn't hit rock bottom because he hasn't *lost* anything yet. Believe me, I sat in many of meeting with my ex-husband a long side of doctors and lawyers who had a more difficult time recovering from their addictions than the sterotyped "street addicts" because they had an abundance of accessabilty and means to supply their habit. My own husband had an $1000 a week coke habit, and it never effected us financially until years after his recovery when he looked back at all the things he could have had that went right up his nose. Not to mention the physical damage!

 

Right now, you have to decide whats more important to you; your husband's life...or your marraige and financial security. Because what you will eventually have to do, may jeapordize the latter. But whatever choice you make, remember, you are at risk of loosing everything anyway. Doing nothing will just prolong it. You can sit tight and watch him slowly kill himself and witness your marraige slowly erode...eventually to be paying all the bills anyway...or you can give him a FIRM ultimatum to get help NOW "or else." You will have to locate a 30 day clinic where he will have to "detox" with the help and support of professional councilers. You will have to attend many meetings with him as well as by yourself to learn how *not* to be an "enabler" and to aquire the skills you'll need to help him STAY recovered when he gets out. You will also have to quit using (if you are) and change the friends you associate with if they also use. Its a life-altering process. You may have to pay for his treatment unless your husbands health insurance covers it. You will have to notify his employer so that he can take the time from work that he needs. Check the employment laws in your state. I don't think he can be legally fired, and his job should not be at risk. It's a long, tough road. Its as hard on the people who love the addict as it is on the user. And its not over if and when he leaves the treatment center. Once out, the REAL work begins...and for all of this you have a 99% chance that one day; be it one month down the road or 25 years, he will pick it up again. Are you tough enough? Can you love him that much? I really hope so... My prayers are with you. Good luck.