Last Night................

[Chump64]

The wife will wise up. She's in denial, but it won't last. It lasted about 2 months for me.

 

You are right -- you aren't putting your son first. You are putting yourself first.

[RecordProducer]

I don't want to tell her the truth in fear that she will then tell my husband...... I am trying to save my marriage here and i believe he is doing the same by telling her that we are just friends that meet online and we started texting each other..... anyway the 2 of us had a deal that we wouldn't give the other person up no reason to destroy both of our families and i am not going to rat him out to his wife..... i would never do that

The next step is her telling your husband about it! Watch out for that! You should stop communicating or it WILL destroy both marriages. Think of your children, if you have any.

[mopar crazy]

The wife will wise up. She's in denial, but it won't last. It lasted about 2 months for me.

 

You are right -- you aren't putting your son first. You are putting yourself first.

 

 

I agree! And kpin your H will find out about the A, sorry to say. I found out about my H's A but of course he denied it. I didn't want to tell the OW's H, I figured he would find out eventually and he did. He did a lot of his own PI work and he came to me about it. He had a lot of information and photo's to share. You can hide your A for only so long.

 

 

They will both find out and s*** will hit the fan.

[No Stress Lady]

ok wanted to post an update...... i just heard from my mm and i can't tell you all how releaved i am to have finally talked to him....... as for right now he says his wife is calmed down and is ok with things... she is still asking questions every now and again but the biggest thing she wanted to know was what did we talk about......he also told me that he wanted to apologize for all of this and he wanted to let me know that his wife said she was sorry as well she just didn't know what was going on and called me and felt bad about doing so and was sorry if her message sounded mean..... so for now we are laying low and not talking he said he is scared that she is going to find out something so he doesn't want to chance it right now.... so i feel alot better about all of ths..... it kind of stinks that i can't talk to mm as much as i would like to right now but i am willing to lay low for a while to save our relationship.....

 

Sorry KPIN24 but you're sooooo busted already - I'd put money on the fact that his wife has a totally different agenda running through her head than what she's telling her husband. I really don't think it's a case of you and he "laying low" - she's onto you big time and for all you know she could already have a PI on the case.................she might be acting calm but it's a ticking clock.

 

You need to stop this affair NOW because it's gone way into the danger zone.................and you are going to find yourself in a world of s*** if you continue to push your luck.

 

Are you not remotely concerned by the prospect of losing your own husband ??????? You really are playing a VERY foolish game..... :(

[kpin124]

ok i am a bit confused all of you say that the wife knows when really she doesn't know anything........ so what if she found a few txt messages on the phone bill that is all she has......... there is no email no unexplained credit card charges no late nights out all she has is some text messages.... i don't know maybe my blinders are on but i just don't really know.... i do know that i am about done with this site i just feel like all people want to do is bash on each other and that isn't what i am here for i mean i have been hold that i deserve for my husband to dump me and that i am a bad mom and i am putting mm before my child..... i am already unstable and then i get this kind of stuff and it just makes me even more unstable right now so i guess i am just going to stop posting and let what ever happens happen.......

[Chump64]

I'm sorry, I thought you were asking for advice.

 

The wife is now thoroughly suspicious. She is playing "nice" and lying low while she investigates her husband, hacks into his computer, puts hidden voice recorders in his car and workplace, taps his phones, etc. She might even be hiring a private investigator. Trust me, the "nice" phase is something to be very suspicious of / afraid about. She's trying to make him think that everything's rosy while she gathers evidence and gets her ducks in a row. Been there, done that. That modus operandi -- play nice, keep your ear to the ground, get your evidence lined up, talk to an attorney/counselor/physician/whatever, then confront -- is the standard advice given to anyone with the slightest suspicion of a cheating spouse. And that's exactly what I did, and that's probably what she is doing.

 

There you have it.

[Ladylay]

ok i am a bit confused all of you say that the wife knows when really she doesn't know anything........ so what if she found a few txt messages on the phone bill that is all she has......... there is no email no unexplained credit card charges no late nights out all she has is some text messages.... i don't know maybe my blinders are on but i just don't really know.... i do know that i am about done with this site i just feel like all people want to do is bash on each other and that isn't what i am here for i mean i have been hold that i deserve for my husband to dump me and that i am a bad mom and i am putting mm before my child..... i am already unstable and then i get this kind of stuff and it just makes me even more unstable right now so i guess i am just going to stop posting and let what ever happens happen.......

Another opinion here, maybe she does accept, the explanation.

So you have 2 choices see at as a warning and use it as a wake up call.. reavaluate your own life, have a good look at what you stand to lose.

 

Or

 

Lay low nc.. and resume the A however you will then be back in the same position as you were before his wife found your number. You will be waiting for her to call you again.

 

Good luck

[RecordProducer]

... i do know that i am about done with this site i just feel like all people want to do is bash on each other and that isn't what i am here for i mean i have been hold that i deserve for my husband to dump me and that i am a bad mom and i am putting mm before my child..... i am already unstable and then i get this kind of stuff and it just makes me even more unstable right now so i guess i am just going to stop posting and let what ever happens happen.......

Whatever will happen will happen anyway, whether you post here or not, but you can influence the outcome with YOUR choice of behavior. If you stop seeing the MM now, nobody will get in trouble, she will only have text messages.

 

But you don't want to give up on your MM, which puts your marriage into risk. Whether you're a good wife - you tell yourself. If your husband dumps you after finding out about the affair and your child is unhappy due to your divorce - you explain it to him or her some day what kind of mother you were. There are better ways to ask for divorce if you want one. And if you don't - there are better ways of improving your marriage and being happy than cheating.

 

You basically got caught. Instead of trying to cover it up by quitting the affair, you want people on this site to tell you that everything will be ok. Maybe it will be. But you sound like you don't really care.

[Ladyjane14]

For what it's worth....I think you ignore the good advice you've had on this thread at your own hazard.

 

If the betrayed wife were to post her questions on a site similar to LS, it wouldn't take TEN MINUTES for someone like me to come along and open her eyes for her.

[whichwayisup]

I agree with LadyJane...Though it's not that you're ignoring the good advice given, I just think you're not ready to hear it yet because you're not anywhere close to even considering ending things with your MM, the frame of mind you're in is very closed minded - You can't see what could be coming around the corner in the near future...Or you don't want to.

 

You have more control over this whole situation, more than you know...I just hope someday soon you realize this and make the right decision for you, for you husband and your son. It isn't fair to anybody to live life the way you're living right now...I don't really think you're happy - You may FEEL good at times, especially when those feelings are being fed by your MM, but that doesn't last too long - And then you have to play the part of a wife at home. Tough to keep that lie going ... Sorry to sound harsh, but sometimes certain things have to be said to try to open your eyes abit more.

 

Good luck though, and I hope you still post once in a while.

[grateful]

he also told me that he wanted to apologize for all of this and he wanted to let me know that his wife said she was sorry as well she just didn't know what was going on and called me and felt bad about doing so and was sorry if her message sounded mean.

 

 

kpin - I'm sorry that you feel bashed. I think the very solid advice you've been getting in this thread are posters letting you know about all of the consequences (including ones that have happened to them) that are possible in your situation. You are not in a hidden affair anymore, you are one step closer to a discovered affair. I reposted your quote above because I would like you to reread it and see if it doesn't sting just a little bit.... the Betrayed Wife (and it bears typing out here rather than just using BW) was made to apologize for having suspicions (correct ones at that). That's just cold, in anybody's moral universe.

 

I agree with the others that she is doing her own version of the "laying low" that you say you are doing, and gathering any info she can find. Imagine if this were you and you felt so suspicious you actually called a potential OM. Then you'd just go, "oops, my bad. no harm no foul."

 

Be very very careful!

[kpin124]

allright well i have been doing alot of thinking and i feel really bad about this situation.... i just keep hearing hear voice i keep thinking how nice she was to me on the message she left and how if that would have been me there would have been now way i would not have been that nice and calm..... i am torn with the whole thing part of the time i am saying to myself that this is over no more you can't keep doing this to yourself and the other people that you love and then i have really bad days were i want to see him or hear from him and i don't want it to be over..... however i am starting to feel bad for his w and what we have been doing........ if she would have been a b*tch to me on the phone then i probably wouldn't be feeling this way but she was nothing but nice...... she had a genuine concearn and was trying to find out answers..... i have read on some other post that some people after the w finds out will lay low for a couple of months and then start back up the a and i really don't know as if i can do that.... if i go for several months with no contact i don't think i want to break that..... i guess i just really need to talk to him about it and let him know what i am thinking...... i will say this and i know that it is wrong but i would like to see him just one last time and have one last kiss to feel him touch me one last time..........

[whichwayisup]

Your concern is a good thing - But I really think it should be affecting you MORE about what you're doing to your husband, what he would think/feel and react like and your son.

 

You're thinking in the right direction, you're eyes are also open more so you CAN actually see and feel what this affair could bring when it is found out. The consquences are very high, alot of pain to go around...It is a good thing you're aware of it, and also noticing that his wife DOES exist and she is a real human being...Not someone hidden away and not really 'real.' I hope that makes sense...

 

The thing is, she was 'nice' to you on the phone, her voice...She isn't going to show you any real reaction right now because that will give you control. Her handling it that way was intentional...Don't let yourself think otherwise.

[kpin124]

i don't know what to do about my husband i really do feel awful about what i have done to him..... part of me wants to tell him what has been going on and get this out in the open so we can deal with it and move on.... but then part of me is saying don't tell him it will hurt him to much.... just end the a now and hopefully both familes can be saved....

[whichwayisup]

K, you can't be afraid of how much you'll hurt him...That is part of the responsibility and accountability you have, owning that part, because of your affair. It's a sad, painful and awful consquence to pay - But it is just a fact. Ofcourse you don't want to hurt him - I really have to believe that you've lost all control over your emotions and decision making when it comes to gathering the strength to end the affair and come clean to your husband. He IS going to be hurt, there is NO way around it. But, with that being said, you can make it slightly less painful, even easier, by YOU telling him and owning up to your mistake. Allowing HIM to grieve, react and get upset - He COULD give you another chance, go to counselling together - He COULD learn to trust you again.

 

Not telling him because you're afraid is the wrong reason not to tell him. Just don't hold anything back - Tell the truth, answer ALL his questions, because not coming clean about it ALL, will hurt him once the truth is out. Go read DazednConfused's thread in the infidelity section called ,My wife made a stupid mistake. Please...I think it will help you. Even though he was the BS, he sheds SO much light on his wife, how much he loved her even though she cheated...Your husband could be 'Dazed' in a sense of not wanting to end the marriage, and he could be a man who will give you another chance to make things right again.

[sylviaguardian]

Kpin,

 

I am sorry that you are in this situation but you need to face facts as others have said. You have been busted and the likelihood of the OM's W telling your husband is high.

 

If you really don't want to leave your husband, I would think about coming clean. I am the BS and my husband and the OW made the same pacts that you and your MM did (to protect your family). Unfortunately these pacts only work in dream land. I found one non-suspicious text only. They both swore that they were friends. There were no credit bill, no other texts to view or any real evidence but I found out 95% of what they did.

 

When push came to shove my husband betrayed everything they did. The alternative was that he was walking out the door. Now, I am a nice person. I chose not to tell her husband but I think 90% of people in my shoes would.

 

The point is that prior to me finding out the truth, my husband spent months telling bare-faced lies and exposing me to siutations that were totally humilating, like confronting her. I will never forget that.

 

There is no way his wife will believe the 'just friends' story. Even if she doesn't have access to sms messages, she will see how often you contacted one another. If you were just friends he would not have kept you a secret.

 

I don't know what your choice will be. Sounds like you love your MM and perhaps would be willing to be with him? We cannot say what he feels. But if you do want to stay with your husband forget about inventing stories. Most people see through them - check the infidelity board for evidence.

[veronese]

Hi Kpin

 

I'm glad you're giving some serious thought to all this. You may feel some people are bashing you and although one or two probably are, most are only trying to help you.

 

You sound like a caring woman who would hate to hurt your family and you're obviously struggling with your conscience. This man quite clearly means a lot to you and a 3yr friendship with him appears too important for you to give up just yet.

 

You seem confident that your H, son and your MM's wife won't find out and that this affair isn't going to hurt them in any way. Even after the recent scare when your MM's wife suspected something you remain unperturbed about being discovered.

 

You objected when posters suggested putting your child first, emphatic that he always has and will be. I believe you genuinely meant that but I don't think you are being honest with yourself if you think you are putting him first at the moment. Is it really in his best interests for his mother to have such strong feelings and great affection for a man in this way? Will you be able to look him in the eye when it all comes out and his world suddenly crumbles around him? Do you think he'll understand why you decided to take such a huge gamble knowing you risked your marriage in order to do so?

 

Thinking you won't get busted kpin doesn't mean you won't get busted. Don't underestimate the magnitude of the repercussions should you be found out. You say you love both your H and son so brace yourself for the torture of witnessing their pain and suffering when they discover your betrayal and realise you are not the person they thought you were.

 

My husband had long term, flirtatious EAs with three other women. When I asked him why he hadn't ended the friendships knowing that what it would do to me, he said he didn't think I would ever find out. I asked him what he thought I would do if I did find out though, he thought I'd divorce him he said.

 

So how could he take such a risk? Didn't losing his wife and family matter enough for him to stop these friendships? Apparently not. Why not? Because he really didn’t think it would actually happen.

 

Be careful kpin, you're playing a dangerous game.

 

veronese