whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2006 Share Posted March 18, 2006 I still think she needs to come clean with her husband. This lying and sneaking around is going to stress her out, and the 'worry' and 'wondering' if and when the MM's wife is going to call. Just also be aware, if she is adament about finding the truth of your situation with her husband, she could hire a PI, install a keylogger on his computer... yes he has to live with her if you can call it that..... they don't sleep in the same room he spends most of the time with his kids or in the basement when he is home and the only reason he is still there is for his kids...... about a month ago they got into a huge fight and he about moved out so who knows this may do it he may call me monday and say that he has moved out.. Don't believe word for word what he says. Why on earth would he be trying to fix his marriage, and NOT be sleeping in the same bed? He may tell you he's only there for the kids sake, or he's hiding in the basement away from her...You can only go on what he tells you - Just remember, he is lying to his wife, like you are to your husband, so it's more like 'what she doesn't know won't hurt her..." He is not going to admit if he still has sex with her and tell you so. Just like I'm sure you don't tell him any intimate details about your marriage and things you do alone with your husband... Link to post Share on other sites
Author kpin124 Posted March 18, 2006 Author Share Posted March 18, 2006 allright yes i feel bad about all of this............. i wish i would have never got myself into this mess but for now i am trying to keep my family together and i am trying to not hurt my husband and by me not telling him is the best way i know at this point...... i will not just go and tell him everything i am not ready to throw myself under the bus yet........ honestly i want to see what next week brings and if i hear anymore from mm or his w........ No i don't plan on ditching my h and son and running off into the sunset with mm i could and would never do that.......... basically it was just a fact that there marriage is bad anyway and depending on how crazy she gets over this it may just finally be enough and he will leave....... as far as knowing sexual details about mm and his w yes actually he has told me stuff just as i have told him things....... so i actually do believe him when he says he has his own bedroom and spends alot of time in the basement..... Link to post Share on other sites
CeeJayXX Posted March 18, 2006 Share Posted March 18, 2006 Of course you arent going to get rid of your H and your son.....But something you didnt touch on is that you have someone in your life that you arent ready to part with yet....MM........ As an OW (I will stand alone with my conversation), I was good at getting myself involved in the situation (not proud) but it is really hard to walk away from......as I also see many others struggle with on these boards. There is a friendship and an intimate relationship that is going to dissolve so quickly that was created by two people. At the drop of a hat, this "other life" that takes away from our everyday troubles or stresses will be gone. We fight to keep it going because we are human with feelings and dont want to lose the fantasy life we are living behind the curtain. Its not easy to just say "Yep, I feel guilty, gotta say good bye now but thanks for everything ...it was fun."... Its just not that cut and dry. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2006 Share Posted March 18, 2006 Okay, I understand what you're saying. I guess I don't understand your way of thinking, that's all. I'm not trying to make you feel bad on purpose. Because if you take a step backwards, plain and simple, you're having TWO relationships right now. One you're married to, the other you're not. You're hurting your husband, he's just not aware of it yet. It's your life, you are going to do what you're going to do. But, what if your MM does leave his wife? Have you thought about that? What does it mean for the two of you? How long do you intend on being with him. (Just playing devils advocate abit, to keep you thinking...Is it worth all this drama? Are you prepared to lose your life as you know it, your house, your comfort level, security, your husband and marriage? Not saying that WILL happen, but it could, in time. I just want you to think hard about what it is that is wrong with your own marriage and why you can't break it off with this MM. Why aren't you spending that special time with your own husband, loving and desiring him.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author kpin124 Posted March 18, 2006 Author Share Posted March 18, 2006 Of course you arent going to get rid of your H and your son.....But something you didnt touch on is that you have someone in your life that you arent ready to part with yet....MM........ As an OW (I will stand alone with my conversation), I was good at getting myself involved in the situation (not proud) but it is really hard to walk away from......as I also see many others struggle with on these boards. There is a friendship and an intimate relationship that is going to dissolve so quickly that was created by two people. At the drop of a hat, this "other life" that takes away from our everyday troubles or stresses will be gone. We fight to keep it going because we are human with feelings and dont want to lose the fantasy life we are living behind the curtain. Its not easy to just say "Yep, I feel guilty, gotta say good bye now but thanks for everything ...it was fun."... Its just not that cut and dry. I think this right here pretty much sums it up..... i am not ready to let him go we have had a relationship for almost 3 years now and i just can't imagine not having him in my life...... mm makes me feel special, i feel like someone wants me and when i am with him it is like time stands still nothing else matters i forget about all the other things in my life (except my son we are always talking about our kids) and i am just free..... i got married very young didn't think anyone else would ever want me and he has proven me wrong! i think that what is wrong with my marriage is lack of communication and my h is very childish and i hate it i am always thinking he needs to grow up..... my h is a great man does everything for me and that is why i don't want to tell him i never thought i would find myself in this situation i just didn't think it would be me....... but thats just it everyone i know would never think i would be able to do something like this and alot of people will be hurt and i am prepared to lie my way thru it to save face................................. Link to post Share on other sites
CeeJayXX Posted March 18, 2006 Share Posted March 18, 2006 I feel the same as you..... I dont mean to sound like the devil whispering in your ear on how to handle the situation but I know you want to save both of your relationships. I have been with MM for 3 years as well.....thats a lot of memories to walk away from and never get back again. I have a wonderful man whom I just adore....as like you, I can't imagine life without him either. He takes me to this incredible little place we have created (fantasy world, of course) and we talk for hours. Its like I've known him my whole life. We can finish each others sentences.. Its amazing. I wont walk away without a fight. (A fight being between MM and I trying to work out our differences. If he just says good bye I cant do this.......then i will painfully walk the other way but I will be the voice of very pathetic reasoning before he turns away because I dont want to lose everything I worked for in this relation for the past three years.) Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2006 Share Posted March 18, 2006 I commend your honesty here. So the MM is filling in needs that your husband can't meet. You need both of these men in your life to keep you happy. It IS your life now, your words scream it. You have no intention of leaving your husband, OR fixing the marriage, going to counselling - Nor are you going to end it with your MM. Many people are going to be hurt, sooner or later, and you're going to have to stand up and face that music someday. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kpin124 Posted March 18, 2006 Author Share Posted March 18, 2006 ceejayxxx - that is exactly where i am coming from we were friends first for about a year before either of us even gave the slightest hint that we were interested in each other and i think that is what makes him special to me... he respects me he tried and tried to get me to meet him for 6 months or better and i always had some excuse and then finally i just decided to do it go and meet him and i am so glad i did. i know that it can bring me and the ones i love a world of hurt but i just can't walk away not yet..... i have never been one to give up on something that i want and right now i want him in my life even if it is just as a friend.... i don't have to have sex with him it is awsome when it happens but i don't need that but i do need his friendship! ---- i understand that many people are going to be hurt by this at some time and i am aware of that but at this point i am not ready to share this secret.... my son is 5 and i don't want this to shadow his life so as long as i can keep it a secret i plan to do it... do i want to tell my husband yes there are days when i just want to blurt it out tell him and get it over with...... but i don't....... i don't because i do love my h dearly and i know that him knowing will do more harm then him not knowing i know how devestated he will be and it makes me sick to think that i hold that much power over so many peoples lives that i love and right now i just can't baer to destroy everything that i have..... when that day comes i will face the music i will stand up and dance i will do what ever i have to to save the relationship with my h and son....... Link to post Share on other sites
CeeJayXX Posted March 18, 2006 Share Posted March 18, 2006 You described my life to a T..... My MM and I are close friends and the physical part is few and far between but I can live with that if I know I have his close friendship daily. I too, would not want to hurt family. Everyone knows we are close friends and everyone is fine with that. They just dont know the other side of it. Good Luck with everything! Link to post Share on other sites
Blind Illusion Posted March 18, 2006 Share Posted March 18, 2006 You described my life to a T..... My MM and I are close friends and the physical part is few and far between but I can live with that if I know I have his close friendship daily. Yes, yes, and yes. I can so identy here. "They" say that love is a friendship that has caught on fire. I think that is so true. For me anyhow, it's all about the friendship first & foremost. Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted March 18, 2006 Share Posted March 18, 2006 I agree. That is why it is so hard for me right now. He had become my best friend. And I have lost my best friend. Link to post Share on other sites
THX2000 Posted March 18, 2006 Share Posted March 18, 2006 I don't want to tell her the truth in fear that she will then tell my husband...... I am trying to save my marriage here and i believe he is doing the same by telling her that we are just friends that meet online and we started texting each other..... anyway the 2 of us had a deal that we wouldn't give the other person up no reason to destroy both of our families and i am not going to rat him out to his wife..... i would never do that Why in the hell would you want to live like this? I guess the thrill of the affair isn't so great now that there is a possibility of consequences...... Link to post Share on other sites
CeeJayXX Posted March 18, 2006 Share Posted March 18, 2006 The "thrill of the affair" wasnt the prime directive in this specific thread. Ow's here aren't doing the "Ha Ha look what I have" dance, by any means. We created friendships in our life that turned into romance. Living like this is something we would rather not do but we dont want to give up the relationships we have created either. Link to post Share on other sites
Michael86 Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 ---- my son is 5 and i don't want this to shadow his life so as long as i can keep it a secret i plan to do it. If you think you can go on keeping this a secret then think again. Take it from someone who knows. My mother had an affair for many years which she tried to keep secret. I found out about it when I was 10 years old and it went on for many years after that. I can't begin to tell you how damaging it was for me and the rest of my family. I'm now 44 and I still carry the effects with me to this day. So if you really don't want this to shadow your son all his life, then you'll end this before it's too late and alot of people get hurt. Nothing good can come of this. You say you love your husband dearly. If you did, you wouldn't be doing this. Michael 1 Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 You sound to me like a cakewoman Link to post Share on other sites
Sup? Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 ceejayxxx - that is exactly where i am coming from we were friends first for about a year before either of us even gave the slightest hint that we were interested in each other and i think that is what makes him special to me... he respects me he tried and tried to get me to meet him for 6 months or better and i always had some excuse and then finally i just decided to do it go and meet him and i am so glad i did. i know that it can bring me and the ones i love a world of hurt but i just can't walk away not yet..... i have never been one to give up on something that i want and right now i want him in my life even if it is just as a friend.... i don't have to have sex with him it is awsome when it happens but i don't need that but i do need his friendship! ---- i understand that many people are going to be hurt by this at some time and i am aware of that but at this point i am not ready to share this secret.... my son is 5 and i don't want this to shadow his life so as long as i can keep it a secret i plan to do it... do i want to tell my husband yes there are days when i just want to blurt it out tell him and get it over with...... but i don't....... i don't because i do love my h dearly and i know that him knowing will do more harm then him not knowing i know how devestated he will be and it makes me sick to think that i hold that much power over so many peoples lives that i love and right now i just can't baer to destroy everything that i have..... when that day comes i will face the music i will stand up and dance i will do what ever i have to to save the relationship with my h and son....... Not ready to share secret? Apparently you were ready to BANG OM, and have orgasmic sex with him, we all assume this of course. When it does come out chances are you will lose you hubby in the process, not getting needs met is NO EXCUSE whatsoever to cause all this. One day your son WILL find out, then what kind of role model will you be to him, he'll have to live with the shame. Take it from someone who knows..... one of my parents messed around, and the kids at school knew about it and told me 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sup? Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 Oh, and I just read a Valentines post which pretty much clears up the theory of you riding OM (woman on top) and having great orgasms, boy! I wonder what hubby would be feeling about this when he finds out? It just DOES show that you DON'T CARE about your hubby. In a way I kinda hope he does dump you like he should! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 20, 2006 Share Posted March 20, 2006 We reap what we sow, eh? What goes around comes around? Having been the wife that was cheated on...I'm sorry, but I have no sympathy for you...or for him. Too bad people don't realize...until they're caught...that what they're doing is WRONG... Link to post Share on other sites
CeeJayXX Posted March 20, 2006 Share Posted March 20, 2006 Hmmm....don't remember once that anyone didnt know what they were doing but will figure it out when they got caught. Guest, we know what we are doing, and we know it's not correct and we know that when it all comes out we will wish we made different choices in life. At the same time we are in a relationship where we can be "us"...not a mom, or a wife or "the nag that answers the phone at the house" but we can be who we really are. As terrible as it sounds, its not easy to walk away from. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 20, 2006 Share Posted March 20, 2006 It just DOES show that you DON'T CARE about your hubby. In a way I kinda hope he does dump you like he should! Wow thats kind of harsh....... here this girl really sounds to me like she does love and care about her h its just there are some things in here relationship with him that aren't all that great and that is why she started the a.... and then here you are saying you hope here hubby dumps here like should and i just don't understand that..... they have a son and they have a marraige that they need to work on before he just dumps her...... kpin i would suggest reading the book "his needs her needs" and really trying to work on your marriage..... i know you want to continue a friendship with om but for now that might not be the best option in your situation. i think you need to let the w cool down before you try to contact or even talk to him i wouldn't want to risk it....... Link to post Share on other sites
lovernotafighter Posted March 20, 2006 Share Posted March 20, 2006 isn't this forum to support people not lay our moral bible thumping BS on the OW/OM? just checking,cause seems like there are people in this thread just posting here to jump on thread starter..(like this guest person) not very helpful if you ask me. I agree. That is why it is so hard for me right now. He had become my best friend. And I have lost my best friend. yes. what we talked about in another thread..this is why even with the lies I'm learning my MM is spinning..he really has become my dearest friend and I am certian I'm his...it's going to be like my best friend has died when it's over Link to post Share on other sites
CeeJayXX Posted March 20, 2006 Share Posted March 20, 2006 [quote=...it's going to be like my best friend has died when it's over EXACTLY!.........I hear that!.......So true! Unfortunately more true than I wish to think about. My MM is dealing with severe illness..... so our relation has settled more on the emotional affair than physical...but Im ok with that. Link to post Share on other sites
lovernotafighter Posted March 20, 2006 Share Posted March 20, 2006 EXACTLY!.........I hear that!.......So true! Unfortunately more true than I wish to think about. My MM is dealing with severe illness..... so our relation has settled more on the emotional affair than physical...but Im ok with that.i'm sorry to hear about his illness CeeJay..that must be so hard to deal with. I often think about if my affair continues and one of us gets sick..we won't even be able to visit each other and be able to support each other in anyway..it bothers me to know that I wouldn't even be able to attend his funereal or he to mine. last week he and I found a lump in my breast we are worried but if I end up in the hospital I won't even be able to receive a flower from him..these things haunt me. I wonder then it might be best for me to have our relationship die now than when it becomes all to real. btw I'm 33 and he is 34. we have time..but do we? Link to post Share on other sites
CeeJayXX Posted March 20, 2006 Share Posted March 20, 2006 Wow.........I am so sorry to hear of your news. My MM has been diagnosed with cancer as well. We wont call off our relationship because of this..... I am there for him for anything and everything. He has always been my rock and I refuse to bail on him now. Not trying to be ficicious (I Know I spelled that wrong) BUT if something to happen where you were forced NC...could flowers not be from "a co-worker" or "client" or a "regular" person you see daily? And if something were to happen to him.....could you not be the same? I am 32 and my MM is 67...... I worry about death all the time. We have talked about it and have worked out the fine details. I will mourn the loss of him alone but will be there to the end no matter what. Link to post Share on other sites
lovernotafighter Posted March 20, 2006 Share Posted March 20, 2006 Wow.........I am so sorry to hear of your news. My MM has been diagnosed with cancer as well. We wont call off our relationship because of this..... I am there for him for anything and everything. He has always been my rock and I refuse to bail on him now. Not trying to be ficicious (I Know I spelled that wrong) BUT if something to happen where you were forced NC...could flowers not be from "a co-worker" or "client" or a "regular" person you see daily? And if something were to happen to him.....could you not be the same? I am 32 and my MM is 67...... I worry about death all the time. We have talked about it and have worked out the fine details. I will mourn the loss of him alone but will be there to the end no matter what. your a good woman and friend CeeJay your MM is very fortunate to have you. me and my MM actually are co-workers.he is supervisor on another shift and we have used this angle in the past to contact each other. my H acts suspicious of my contact with him because he has seen his picture..and vis a versa his W also seen mine..they both thought the other was very attractive so that in it's self has rose suspicion. (together we are barbie and ken at work that is also becoming a thorn in our sides) so honestly us showing up any where for each other would be huge mistake...my H knows him by name and he couldn't send me a flower unless he said it was from the company..and I'd never know. your story makes me wonder if we don't make NC perhaps we better talk about this..because this is very serious issue. thank you for your incite and stay strong. Link to post Share on other sites
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