BF Obsessed w my past

[banister61]

When I was young I had lost of different boyfriends and experiences. In college—I had some wild times—like a couple one night stands, a ménage and I cheated once. This was about 10-12 years ago. Up until about a year ago, I had some friends that weren’t so good—kind of loose in there relations with others—like sex, drugs and alcohol. But I was never really a big part of that scene[

 

Anyway—as far as my “coupling” experiences were—I never thought that what I was doing was bad (except that I cheated once and broke my own heart for the pain I caused another). Actually—that experience about 10 years ago prompted me to make changes in my own like personally. And so—I did—I became the person that I wanted to be—fully committed, monogamous and never strayed. I wanted to align my moral convictions with reality. I took care of that years ago

 

But I never thought I was “as good as I could be” in other areas—like career and finances.

 

 

About a year a go—I let the people go who were not good influences in my life and I focused on my career. And I have met someone who is similar to me in my convictions

 

The problem is that he is dealing with a lot about his ideals and sex. It started with his need to get control over his libido—he’s much younger then me and feels like masturbation was a coping mechanism for stress in his life—and he felt a lot of stress—would masturbate maybe 2-3 times in a row in his room and then feel immensely guilty . So he’s decided to not do it for a month and see if he can control it. It’s been 4 days and he’s been fighting with me. He got on my case about my finances and then he started trying to trap me about my past. I don’t know—its like he’s paranoid and looking to catch me in details of my past to prove that I am morally bad. He says he’s hung up on sexual purity for some reason and my experience is intimidating. The truth is I have done some things that wish hadn’t happened. I was lost when I was longer—very lost. And I’m ashamed to say that I was also raped at 12. I’m worried about these hang ups. He said he was not the type of guy to ask me how many people I’ve slept with—but I feel it is coming down to that. Like he’s obsessed with the past. He wants to know if I was promiscuous—but I feel—maybe when I was 17—22—yeah—I was, for my standards. I was so insecure and lost. But I also think I set very high expectations. he wants to think i am pure.

 

I just don’t know what to do. I had some rocky relationships and it embarrasses me that I dated some losers. i feel like I’m being judged. i feel ashamed.

[ehead]

People become obsessed over past relationships for many reasons, but I think there is some commonality. Usually these people have a strong need to feel special and unique, and they see your sexual past as threatening in this regard. They feel the need to secure some special place in your life, and they connect this with sex somehow. It's as if sex is sort of a barometer for how close the relationship is. If you have had similiar relationships with others in the past, they begin to feel like there is nothing unique or special about their relationship with you, and they feel like they are simply one in a string of such relationships.

 

Often these people are idealistic and perfectionist, a touch obsessive, and absolutist. They are seekers, looking for something to believe in (a soulmate ?). Your past relationships sort of fill them with this existential angst, doubt and fear. They have a hard time reconciling your sexual past with their ideals of romantic love.

 

I think our societies highly promulgated ideas about the purity of romantic love has a lot to do with this. From our religious intitutions to our entertainment, we are bombarded by stories of pure and innocent love. Think Romeo and Juliet.

-----

My advice to you is this.

 

Don't tell him a damn thing beyond the roughest of details. Tell him it is none of his business. There is no reason for him to need some sort of sexual checklist from you. Whatever you do DO NOT tell him any salacious details. He will probably just get images stuck in his brain and he will fixate on them.

 

He has a right to put a high degree of importance on sexual purity, though this is less and less practical in the modern world. Tell him he needs to examine how important this is to him, and if he is willing to see you even if you are not so sexually pure. If they answer is yes, then tell him you expect him to never bring it up again (perhaps you could forgive the rare slip).

 

I hate to suggest lying, but in so far as you are positive you can get away with it, I wouldn't exclude the possibility of telling him little white lies.

 

Tell him he is the best lover you have ever had.

 

BTW, this is his problem, not yours. If religion is what drives this obsession with sexual purity for him, remind him that Jesus was a great forgiver.

[littlekitty]

Yuk!! Situations like this are the worst. Many of us, myself included, have maybe done a few things we shouldn't have, or regret, when we were younger. IMO it's all part of the learning process of life. I too used to feel some shame and embarrassment at some of my earlier life choices. Over time I've come to accept that those mistakes and the lessons I learnt made me who I am today.

 

Obviously your bf isn't using his usual 'stress relief' method, so is probably more up tight than usual! That might be why he is picking more now. However, if he's dead set on getting these answers, he'll likely keep pressing you for them. It's really up to you to decide if you fess up and tell him the truth and see if he can see you for the person you are? Or you can lie, although that is highly likely to play on your mind.

 

In my case, my SO's ex gf and mother of child happened to be someone I went to school with, and who is now best friends with a girl I was bf with through 15-19. I knew when I worked this out, that as soon as she found out who I was, she'd ensure he heard every little mistake I'd ever made. I was concerned about this, but we spoke about it. I didn't go into detail, just explained that I hadn't always been an angel or the person that I was now. That I had left the area (I no longer live locally to these people) because I had wanted to escape the past. In a small town where everyone knows everyone, it just isn't possible. He on the otherhand, used to work as a stripper and that he moved for the same reasons. (Doesn't now! But still looks gorgeous! ) We sat down and agreed that we both had a past (doesn't everyone) and that what was important was how we treated each other in our relationship, and in the future going forward. That the past was the past, and that because we wanted to be together, we were happy to leave it in the past, and only look towards our future together.

 

She threw all her crap she could anyway. And he just ignored it. He knows me. He knows who I am today, and what I am about today. That is the person he fell in love with. Not the person I was.

[ehead]

Well littlekitty, these kind of feelings defy logic a lot of times.

It doesn't bother some people at all, and others it literally gnaws away at.

 

It helps if both people have a past though. Your boyfriend probably could handle it so adeptly because he has likely had a rather spicy past himself.

 

My guess is, if this guy seems that obsessed with it, he falls into the category of guy that is not going to handle the truth very well. It would probably just torture him.

 

If she really cares about this guy (and I'm reading him right), she should tell him as little as possible, and then tell him in no uncertain terms that he is going to have to deal with his issues, and then let it go. Beyond the issue of safe sex, there is no reason for him to know numbers or details. If he is already having sex with you, then even that doesn't matter.

[littlekitty]

I absolutely agree with you! If it wasn't for his past, no doubt it would have been a much harder subject to settle!!

 

I wasn't advocating that she do what I did. Rather explaining that you can deal with it in many different ways, and explaining how I did it.

 

I also wanted the OP to understand that many of us have these feelings of shame or embarressment at things we may have done a long time ago.

 

I agree that it sounds like this guy has puritan ideals for his gf and likely won't deal with the truth.

 

I'm not sure I advocate lying, as I've seen people on here who it a) Came back and bit in the arse or b) Suffer huge guilt at lying.

 

I would definately advocate telling him to mind his own business and that he has to accept you for you. It's who you are now that is important, and he has to accept that.

[ehead]

Yeah, I agree with you about the guilt thing. There is no reason to have the slightest guilt. The past is the past.

 

I think it is more common for women to feel guilt than men btw, who rarely feel as guilty about their past. It's a societal thing no doubt.

 

---

 

The flip side of this is he may get that "itch" later on. It's happened before. It happened to me with my first girlfriend ... and it happened again with another girl, but this time the roles were reversed. She had that hunger for "experience" (which is much overrated in my book), and ended up marrying a short bald fella, hee hee.

[banister61]

both of you have offered some really great insight. in my bones i feel that i cannot lie. but i chose not to disclose anymore.

 

it's just not right and i believe such delving is unhealthy.

 

i think making someone feel special--showing him that he is not just part of the string of past relationships--may be the best I can do and setting up boundaries may be the healthiest for both of us.

 

the truth is--he is fantastically special to me and his judgments make me feel like I'm just another person. it's a cycle.

 

his last girlfriend--and first real relationship--left in him shambles. he feels like he was replaced very quickly. it angers him that "girls can just move on and have sex when they feel like it." i think that is true--but i also know that that is not right for me. i don't want empty relationships.

 

what i can't figure out is this: is he upset because he's really just worried about his own "thoughts and desires" hence the need to control his libido. maybe he doesn't want me to be like him? he says no. maybe he just doesn't want to feel like he is replaceable. he seem angry still over his ex--b/c when they broke up she moved on--perhaps even before they were completely severed.