irrational person, help!!

[odyne]

i'll try to make a long story as short as possible. a while ago i met this guy online, and it turned out he lived in the same town as me. after i had talked to him for a little bit i realized he was a good friend of this guy who went to my school, so i started talking to the guy from my school more. we became pretty good friends (or so i thought) and it ended up that him and the first guy asked me to join their band. along with all this, everyone kept telling me that the guy from my school liked me as more than a friend, but he never did/said anything so i didn't really believe them. he had some problems and was in the hospital mental ward for a little bit because of anxiety. during the whole time i was friends with him, i would defend him against people who would make fun of him.

 

a little while ago he quit the band right before our first show, basically screwed us over. i didn't care that he quit, just that he didn't give us any notice. he basically didn't talk to me anymore after that, and i was sort of mad at him, but i decided to get over it. when we were still talking, i said i would try to hook him up at my school as a server-tech person. so i got over it, and talked to him, because i remembered i said i would help him and i wanted to be true to my word. so i set up the whole thing, talked to the teachers and worked it all out. enough background.

 

this past weekend he messaged me on icq, telling me i was evil. then i found out that he had gotten the first guy (his ex-friend)'s message history off icq, all the conversations between me n this guy, and had read the whole thing. he bitched me out for a few things i had said in my *private* conversation with this other guy, and basically flipped out. he mailed me twice, hateful, irrational mail, and i mailed him back once, saying that he had no right to read our private conversation, and that he had invaded my privacy. he claims that the other guy sent him the message history, therefore he had the right to read it. but the other guy (who i trust more now) said he just made it up to try to make us hate each other. so i'm confused.

 

then, the guy who was flipping out, mailed me again to tell me that i'm two-faced, and that he never liked me anyway, etc etc. way harsh stuff, after all i had ever done was try to be nice to him (not many people are). he acted in the mail like i was harassing him, told me that he was blocking me because *i* was being irrational. i really don't understand all this. i used to think this guy was nice. is this just who he really is? or is it a psychotic episode or something? i don't know what to do. i want him to stay away from me. i don't feel safe around him. but he goes to my school, and now i have to work as a server admin with him. help me!! for now i'm just going to stay away from him and hope he doesn't do anything to me. that's about it. plus, he plans to post my history with the other guy in a webpage. i really think something is wrong here. is there anything i can do?

 

ah, one more thing...i talked to a friend about this, and they think it may be because i liked his friend and not him. i don't think the friend even knows, but possibly i could have said something over 4 months in the history that tipped the other guy off and he's jealous or something, which somehow but that's just their theory.

[Excelsior]

Dear odyne,

 

I have seen your post on here for a few days, and I expected to see several replies posted. During the past month or two that I've been reading LoveTalk, you have helped and provided good solid advice for so many people. I would have thought that many people would return the favor for you, but I guess it doesn't work that way. Anyway, to wrap this up, I decided that I'd take a crack at your situation. It's obviously a tough one, but I'll do my best.

 

To start off with, you mentioned that the irrational guy was in the hospital with some mental problems. It's very possible that his problems extend well beyond the anxiety he was treated for. People with mental problems can tend to be extremely self destructive, and that sounds like what's going on. If he was already mentally unstable, and then went into a school environment where people didn't talk to him and saw him as the school lunatic, I'm sure that damaged his psyche. Then it seems like you came along, and befriended him and helped him out. I would say his immature, irrational, stupid actions in the past little while was one of two things:

 

1)- A test

 

or

 

2)- A product of a self destructive mental problem.

 

1 described: It could have been a test for him in the sense that he was not used to anyone befriending him, defending him, caring about him, being nice to him. He probably really appreciated that acceptance from someone. And then maybe he was jealous of the friendship between you and your other friend. Maybe he wanted to see how important he really was to both of you- Maybe this is all some sort of sick, pathetic test just to see how you will react to him.

 

2 described: This is sort of self-explanatory-If he's got mental problems, he's likely to destroy something good when it comes along. Rather than embracing his friendships with you and this other guy, he probably developed an intense sense of paranoia that was completely inaccurate, maybe fearing that you both just kept him around because you felt sorry for him. Finally the paranoia became too great and he snapped, and your situation is the horrible result.

 

Regardless of what caused his behavior, he alone is responsible for it, and you have to find a way to deal with it. What I'm going to suggest will probably seem extremely abhorrent to you, because I'm sure you feel really betrayed and extremely angry and confused.

 

-Don't let him win: For example, i realize you'll be doing your best to avoid him, but when you do see him, don't respond in anger or sarcasm. Return evil with good- I know that you are a very mature and good person...show that you don't have to give in to this provocation he has issued against you. You know it's unfair...You know it's not justified...You know it's irrational. Take those pieces of knowledge and respond by being just the opposite way to him. Treat him not necessarily as a friend, but as a stranger who you don't know...(that's what he has become, isn't it, by violating the trust?). Be better than him. Show that while he only has the capacity to hurt, you have the capacity to heal and to forgive. Show that while all he can do is break down, you can build up.

 

-Don't harbor the anger: Each and every one of us is shaped by so many different events and experiences, some negative, some positive. This is a significant moment in your life. While in a few weeks it may not be in the front of your mind anyway, how you deal with it now will create who you are later on. If you let the anger and the pain dwell on your mind for too long, it can leave some bad after effects. I'm NOT saying this will happen to you, it's just an example of what can happen when we as human beings hold anger in our heart-- You said you befriended him and did your best to defend him and help him. That was your initial reaction to him. The end result of your relationship with this guy at this point has been negative. Sometimes the unconscious mind makes connections between the two events: It's possible your mind might begin to associate the befriending process with the pain and betrayal at the end, and make you much less likely to try and help someone else who is a bit of an outcast in the future. Again, i'm NOT saying that will happen to you...Just trying to warn you of any danger you might perceive by holding this anger against him for an extended period...You need to let it go-

 

You're obviously a wonderful, kind, thoughtful person...don't let this guy destroy some of that desire to help and love others who aren't worth loving. Sometimes the most important relationships in our lives are those that we put so much effort into, and receive nothing in return. The values of selflessness and forgiveness can never be overestimated...

 

Well, I have rambled on long enough. I really really hope that you see this only as an attempt to help you...I don't want to discourage you...I've just seen a very giving person (through what i've seen on lovetalk)...and I had to throw out some advice. I wish you all the best odyne...take care now and let me know how things turn out.

 

With all sincerity,

 

Excelsior

[odyne]

ex,

 

thank you for your thoughtful advice. the situation has not gone further and i'm learning to turn my thoughts to other things. he didn't show up for a three day school "bonding" trip, so there were no problems with that. the teachers said he was sick but i can't help but wonder if there was something else behind his not being there. despite my anger at him, i find myself hoping he is okay. i talked to a few people about it and they were amazed by his accusations. so for now, i'm going to do my best to listen to them and not let it get to me. i feel sure now that i can treat the situation with an even mind and not let my anger get in the way. i'm over it. i'm just worried about him. well i'm off again. thank you once more for your caring insight.

 

wey vul i

 

keep the faith!

 

-odyne-