All The Ways You Keep The Pain

[fraidycat]

I read a post that I know is a common theme in ended relationships. That is "getting my ex back". Yes, sometimes relationships end for the wrong reasons and BOTH parties are interested in mending that break but more often than not it's one sided. The one ex partner says we can be friends, the other ex partner says yes let's be friends but means, yes keep me in your life I'll show you why you need me back. If your in a situation where your ex has moved on and is in a new relationship, or they are out dating, or they've made it clear they want nothing beyond friendship- don't keep false hope alive. You're a great person, maybe you made some mistakes- that's human and hopefully you've learned from them but hanging onto an ex by means of friendship or any other excuse when we really just want back what we had is a torturous act of self induced pain. It's not easy to be rejected by someone we gave our hearts too but when it's appropiate we need to close that chapter of our life, not keep it open by fooling ourselves. We heal and grow when we're honest with ourselves and about ourselves and the relationships we keep with others. You will move on and you will find someone out there who makes you come alive and reach for more but not until you shut the door of the past so there is room to open one of the future.In the movies all sorts of crazy but fantasy things happen..exes realize their wrong and show up outside your window with chocolates and make you posters or write you songs, he/she realizes how much you love them and are touched into realizing they want you back too, All the hindrances you fantasized in your mind disappear(i.e b/c of this factor or this happening we didn't have a fair shot and the like! ) and that relationship becomes fully restored! In reality however that's very far and few between things end up going that way. Breaking up is hard to do and hurts enough in itself without us hurting ourselves more by trying to hang onto what isn't really there or we no longer have in our grasp.

[hurtbeyondwords]

That is very true and also very insightful. Thank you Fraidycat:)

[riobikini]

Great Post, FC!

 

And a little something on that 'Closure' issue:

 

We humans have this natural trait for being curious.

 

We seek to know the reason for the end to a relationship that was important to us, -and once we think we finally have the reason pinned down, we try to understand it

 

If we find we are just not ready to accept the 'reason', itself, nor the obvious explanation- we, sometimes, resort to purposely self-misdirected fantastical attempts to rationalize it.

 

We dissect the relationship, and from a very biased position, we glean out all the chunks of 'good stuff' and focus all our hopes of saving the relationship on the stack of more positive aspects we have carefully laid aside.

 

They become our 'treasure', -but, more often than not- become the reason for our prolonged pain and suffering, as well as serving as the 'blinders' that keep us from focusing on the other pile of 'stuff' -the 'negative stuff- we left lying there after our dissection, which is actually critically needed to give us a more balanced concept of the true value of what the relationship truly was/is.

 

The stack of more 'negative' stuff contains the explanation of the reason for the failed relationship.

 

It is, to put it mildly, painful to sift through.

 

Most of us do not really wish to face that particular stack of negative stuff, even though our truest answers lie in it, as well as our very first step to healing: acceptance.

 

Acceptance of the facts.

 

Acceptance of the reality and true status of the relationship, both past and present- comes directly from from the negative pile, -but, since we tend to avoid its truths like the plague, we begin to live a series of lies fed to us by the 'treasure' we salvaged.

 

The 'treasure' is all the happy memories, sweet words, all the "I love you's" -everything that we enjoyed about the relationship; noticeably, and certainly none of the 'bad'.

 

When an ex says "I no longer love you", the rose-colored glasses we are looking through cause us to simply point to the 'love' from the past that's lying in the 'treasure pile', and declare that it is not possible, due to the evidence we are looking at.

 

So we not only choose to live in the past, but we may also become a source of frustration to the ex by not hearing what they are saying, and which is one more reason many of them wish to avoid contact, but -due to your obvious delusional thinking and uwillingness to accept the finality of their answer- are still compelled to know that you are 'OK' and that you have accepted the end to the relationship.

 

(Now, use caution and intelligence with that last statement, because, we all know that most of them will be just checking on you to mess with your head; know the difference between a person who is truly checking out of a common, decent dose of human concern over a person they once loved, or whether the checking is done to drag things out. This is also why you need 'break-up Buddies' who are able to think rationally about the situation and can help keep you directed.)

 

If you're operating solo, without the help of a break-up buddy, or refuse any advice, this small bit of curiousness on the behalf of the ex may only serve to propel you deeper into the false belief that he/she still cares.

 

So you cling harder, and dig in even deeper, based on the empty belief that things are going to turn around, -someday.

 

Remaining in this mode, refusing to face the truth, can keep you hostage indefinitely.

 

Not truly dealing with the reality of the negative issues which directly have impacted or caused the demise of the relationship can keep you from complete closure for months, even years, -even though you may wind up in future relationships somewhere down the road.

 

You may harbor the remains of the past relationship deep down in a sort of emotional 'dungeon of horrors' keeping it alive and, perhaps, revisiting it from time to time, mentally.

 

You may not realize it's continued effect on your present happiness and the whole quality of your present life, -but it is certainly there.

 

Even though years may pass between you and the end of such a relationship, it is possible to gain closure at any time.

 

Closure does not necessarily require the presence of the other party, due to the specific fact that it is emotional closure you are seeking, not physical contact.

 

I will admit that hearing an "I'm sorry" or something similar uttered sincerely, may contribute to the ease of burying, once and for all, the relationship for some -but I also know that, on the other hand, for many more, it can be salt to the wound, and I feel, can be done without, in most cases.

 

I hope this bit of salve helps someone.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[fraidycat]

Great Post Rio! Im sure it will girl!

[jerbear]

Great post, FC & Rio

 

After reading yours and experiencing it today.

 

Her friends say one thing, she says another, I voiced another. I did call the woman's support network that I am considering ending the friendship.

 

I've put a post on another thread if your interested.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t84505/

[riobikini]

ty. (Smile)

 

One more note:

 

Important: The well-noted and bantered-about 'process' of recovery is, in fact, all about 'acceptance', i.e. accepting the reason that its over, accepting that love that will no longer be nutured, accepting your 'single' status again (and all that entails), etc.

 

'Acceptance' is not only the first step in beginning recovery, -it is the ever-present, deepening, primary, and ongoing influence during all other phases of recovery.

 

We could just about say that 'recovery' is just progressing to many levels until we reach a complete acceptance of all things concerning the break-up.

 

-Rio