Girls! Is it normal to be jealous if SHE stays out late?

[ric_12]

This is not too much but.... it's driving me nuts. I'm 41 yrs and I've been living with this beautiful woman for the past 3 years, truly in love and so is she. So what's the problem you say?

 

Every couple of weeks she has supper with her girlfriend and later that evening she heads out with her to a nightclub. Sometimes she even tells me little stories about what happened during her outting, fun stuff. (The other flirting stuff I'll never know hehe). This going out is pretty regular. I don't believe anything wrong is happening either, but I simply get a little jealous inside. She usually looks gorgeous on those days too. Lately I have had less and less outtings with her and many of those end short of 3AM, whereas she would come home at closing time. On my side, when I go out with her, her dressing style is more laidback. Why???? This is part of what attracted me to her in the first place (not only that of course!), has she forgotten about me.

 

I've brought up the subject and tried to play my feelings down to not look obsessive, but she definitely knows that it drives me crazy inside. Am I jealous of other men flirting with her, No! In fact I find it flattering because she choose me over them.

 

So my questions are...

- Is it normal to feel jealous when she stays out late?

- How would you feel in this situation?

 

And if you have any advise on me getting out of this puddle of bi-weekly jealously, but I'd first like to know if I'm normal to feel this way.

 

Ric

99.5% happy.

[carmaenforcer]

Sorry I know this question was for the GIRLS! but I have to put in my 2 cents in hope that it might help.

 

It is normal to feel like you do and there is something wrong with it. It's ok to trust but at what point does trust end and stupidity begin?

If this is what you both established as acceptable behavior then you are stuck and have no choice but to ride it out to whatever it's end will be.

 

When the mother of my Son and I were dating I was 19 and she was 17, her mom was late 30's-40ish and super-super HOT. I would come over at night to hang out at her house and I would see her Mom get dressed to go out with the girls. She'd dress in tiny mini skirts, stripper pumps and cleavage blouses and she was packing Double D's, so she obviously she was dressed to draw attention. I asked my girl friend at the time if her Dad didn't mind her Mom going out like that, she told me no my Dad trusts her. Later I find out that they were divorced because she was cheating on him while he stayed home taking care of the kids.

I'm not saying that this is what is or will go on with your relationship but, just be prepared either way.

 

My most recent ex before my Wife started hanging out late with some guy friend that she met at a car meet for her car club. I was more secure then so didn't bat and eye over it, but still asked my GF of 10 years to please chill with the long nights and coming home after 3am stuff. She didn't listen until I started doing the same with a young girl coworker of mine. Once the tables were turned she begged me to stop and I didn't. Long story short, I left her and am currently happily married with a woman that considers my feelings.

 

Only you know what works for you, but be honest with yourself and don't take stuff you don't want to take just because you are trying to be cool.

[ric_12]

I mentioned GIRLs simply to find out the views from the other side of the table. Your 2 cents are more than welcome, for sure!!!

 

You bring up a concern that hit home.

 

This example you mention of dressing up and going out, and later be it weeks, months or even years turning into divorce. Wow! This was exactly how I lost my ex so it touches me deeply and fear a reoccurance in the infant stage. That's the protective side coming out.

Funny though, our relationship is strong outside this issue (rather my issue). Yes it's probably my issue of being insecure coming from being hurt before. duh!

 

So what do I do about it?

 

Talk to her:

First, I did have a discussion with her about this. She knew something was troubling me and asked me to share it. I warned her that I was going to show her what was inside troubling me, I didn't want her to take anything I was going to say as attacks or pressure. She was to

be looking in and trying to understand me. Needless to say it was a difficult discussion. She simply said after dealing with the points I brought up that it was up to me to resolve it. She was probably right, though I still felt disappointed because I needed her help on this.

 

So I've though about it over the weekend and came to realize that I've lost that independance I had before meeting her. My love for her grew so strong that it pushed me out of MY world and it has become OUR world. Wow! What a WRONG way to take. Being true to yourself first makes you shine and sharing that with someone in your life is the recipe that I had discovered that worked but had forgotten about. She discovered me this way, now I'm oddly dependantish (...hehe). Rather this problem grew on me slowly without noticing, just like how routines set in relationships.

 

So, where do I go from here.

 

Things I could do...

-

Find yourself again and build from there

.

Find back the things that once defined you. Don't be afraid to go out to clubs yourself either. Not to cause problems but simply to balance life, make things fair to myself.

 

-

Take her out unexpectedly

. Creating excitment is always fun. This will bring up what I find is missing, time spent together.

Do you guys have any other relationship tips that I could work with?

 

* I'll startworking on this today and over the next days and weeks.

[RecordProducer]

It's absolutely human and natural to be jealous, just like it is normal to NOT be jealous. In your case, you're rather possessive, but that's alos normal.

 

Her behavior tells me that she is secure in your relationship, which means you're doing a good job of showing her love and affection (you sound very much in love). That's the best way to keep her by your side. If you neglect her, she might turn to other guys, but you sound loving and sweet.

 

Ultimately, you can't prevent her from finding another guy. If she doesn't love you and wants another man, she will find a way to dump you or cheat on you. Her heart has to be free in order that she falls in love or even sleeps with someone else. Affairs and breeak-ups for a third party happen because the existing relationship is non-satisfying for one of the partners.

 

If you're sure in her love then you should be sure in her faithfulness. If however she loves you, but cheats on you, it's her loss. What I am saying is: you don't want your partner to be faithful to you because they never go out so they never have the opportunity. Opportunities will arise here and there. You want them to be faithful because they love being with you and choose to be only with you no matter who comes along.

[Walk]

You said she only goes out every other week? I was a little unclear on the amount in your post.

 

If it's twice a month, then I think you're being overly jealous about this. If it's twice a week, then her actions are excessive. But I think you meant twice a month....?

 

I think it would help if you were to take her out somewhere special and treat her to a fun evening. Something different and unexpected. It can't hurt either way. Just put a few minutes of thought into what she would like, and how to make it enjoyable for her. Try to put some fun back into your relationship.

 

Does your gf know about your past history? Did she feel the circumstances were in anyway the same? Did you make the correlation to her at all? She does have an obligation to attempt to put your mind at ease as much as possible. Without sacrificing herself in the process.

[Kenyth]

I'm sorry, but at his stage in life, clubbing is a little immature. I'm assuming you have children? Clubbing is a young singles scene. Always has been, and always will be. There's a cutover at some point when you move into the married, child rearing, home making stage of your life. Occasional bar outings are quite acceptable, as are nights out with the boys/girls, but all nighters at the meat market are a little irresponsible, not to mention inconsiderate.

[carmaenforcer]

You say you've been living with this woman for 3 years.

You're 41 but how old is she?

Close to your age?

Has she ever been married before?

Is that something you think she might want?

 

The reason I ask these questions is because some women resort to intimidation and strong arm tactics to get what they want some times. She might be trying to work on your insecurities to scare a proposal out of you.

 

I'm with Kenyth on this one as well. The club scene is mostly for young people or older people that can't get over the meat market thrill.

 

This is a reason why I didn't look for a woman closer to my age around this are that I live. Most women I know over thirty that are single are either single for a reason, no one would marry them for some "good" reason, they are divorced and bitter or in full single-again mode (this is bad), either way you look at it, they are usually damaged goods and a bunch of head aches will come with trying to have a normal, mutually respectful, monogamous relationship with them.

 

The possibility that you two are in two different places in life is strong. That's why I asked the questions I asked. A woman that has been there done that, and or is pushing forties might have a different idea of what she wants and needs out of a relationship than a girl that has never been married, had kids with another guy or been toughened up by life in general and become selfish and jaded. Some older women are lost causes and are good for no one but themselves.

 

This is just a generalization and may not apply to all.

[ric_12]

I'm 41 and she's 33.

 

The outtings are roughly every 2 to 3 weeks. A supper with her girlfriend and then out to an "Upscale" club. This, if you want to call it a routine, has been there from the beginning, in fact I met her this way. And her being out there, flirting with that thin line that only some cross bugs me inside, but just a bit less today and I'll explain why in a minute . Do I have faith in her... without a problem, I trust and believe she truly loves me too. The basis of our relationship was and still is respect and liberty, in the sense that she chooses to be with me and I with her. No one is "stuck". That being said, let me move on to my first attempt to change things... yup I started already.

 

You will be amazed at what effect this had.

 

I mentioned that I was going to attempt to readjust a few things on my side, being my independance and working on us, sparkling our relationship. Not that it was in distress but more for myself to get this jealousy bug out of my system.

 

Monday morning I sat down in front of my PC and started digging for ideas, for sudden change, excitment, a different approach.

 

So this is what I came up with...

 

I created in photoshop a 6 x 8 picture which contained several small square pictures, all attached with a "+" in between them. Each picture told a story, the first one, a romantic table setting, 2nd) a beautiful plate setting, 3rd) dessert, choooocolate and 4th) of course 2 wine glasses with a bottle.... all beautiful pictures of which I researched over an hour and a half to get!!! Just below these images I had this one picture... preceeded by a "=", this picture is of such a romantic couple with her lying on her back, him leaning at her side both smiling with pleasure of each others company. At the very top I wrote, Come and join me in an evening of serenity and romance...

At the bottom I wrote Do you accept Cherie...

 

I sent it to her by email at her office. Within minutes I got a reply and minutes again a phone call with her so incredibly pleased and surprised. She told me she proudly showed all her girlfriends at work as to what a great guy she had and they said it was so original.

 

Well... we went out that same night. And guess what!!! I have never seen her so beautiful.

She really placed even more attention as to how she was dressed and looked than I had ever seen. She wore a beautiful red top and black pants with a hint of sequins, her top revealed her nicely tanned shoulders, eyes that sparkled with love and a smile that made me glitter to no end.

I could not have asked for more.

 

So how do I feel about this....duh!!! GREAT!!!

 

What have I learned by this experience....

If you work on your relationship, one that is still strong, it's just like adding a beautiful new log to a good warm fireplace. Obviously if your relationship is in trouble there is a lot of work to do, no doubt, but to maintain one could be so easy when you're in love.

 

Step TWO.....

ME ME

What about me! I have to readjust myself to actually find myself again. Yup. This, in my view, seems to be the right approach in dealing with her staying out late. Get my independance back. I'll comment on that a bit later when I've got a strong plan and have it put it into action. There are quite a few ways to go about this too, it just has to be the right way and one that cannot hurt her.... Want an a example of a bad idea how about this; Immediately Go out to a club myself and come in late. Woooow that would be undescribable as to how things could turn out.

 

Ric 99.95% happy

[carmaenforcer]

Good job man I'm glad she reacted in a way that made you happy and helped you see her excitement toward going out with you. Dressing nice for you, good stuff.

Yeah, it sucks that she is still going out to the same club that you met her at.

I feel you on the other guys hitting on her or her flirting thing, the worst thing you can do is show that you're bothered by it though. It's that, "you don't tell me what to do" thing, they end up doing it even more.

I would say, go to that same club on a different night or to another well know meat market place and just hang at the bar and talk to the girls there.

Go out all dressed to empress and smelling good.

DON'T DO THAT THOUGH!!!

Because unfortunately there is no way you can play the players game as good as a woman can.

 

Just be careful and don't invest too much expecting anything in return and just enjoy the good times while they last, that's all we can do. If she's a good woman, not shady and just hanging there to get her ego inflated then there is nothing wrong with her chilling with her girlfriend. Either way there is nothing you can do about it directly. Hopefully someday she grows out of that and becomes more the type of woman that you need in your life.

[Kenyth]

I misunderstood. I thought you were a married couple, possibly with children. Living together changes things a little. You don't have a lot of say so about stuff like that unless you're committed. That being said, you two probably need to decide on the next step in your relationship, getting married.

[Lil Honey]

Ric_12:

 

As I read the through the first few threads, I was thinking along these lines:

Her behavior tells me that she is secure in your relationship,

I disagree. I think that, since she is dressing up/differently when she goes out without her man, she is doing it to get attention from other men. Why else would she do it?

 

I'm glad to know that she dressed up for you and the two of you went out together. Although I don't believe in being attached at the hip in a relationship, I serioulsy think a couple should do things together. Personally, I don't understand the need to go out without the other partner. How could a person have a good time knowing that the person they love isn't there?

 

I hope that you tell your wife just how beautiful you think she is. It seems something that us women crave. We want to feel valued. We might hear it for a while, but then it stopped. We start feeling not valued. So don't stop telling her.

[ric_12]

We are not married but are living together as of a few weeks now.

We also have children, 3 girls, she has two (7 & 11) and I one (13). We are pretty mature as regarding to responsiblities and even within our relationship. We talk and don't let little snags run for long. I respect her liberty after all, isn't it liberty that keeps us feeling young. Couples that are always together, doing everything together can be dangerous from my past learning experience. As soon as one starts to do something on thier own the other starts to feel threatened. Change in that situation scares many. I've seen this happen quite a bit with friends at the office to later find out that they have split up. So I encourage her in doing things on her own.

 

What I would really like is for her to be in the same position as I'm in (reverse the role). Just to test if she would turn up some feelings similar to mine. It's called curiosity, not revenge. DON'T WORRY I'm not planning on doing that just yet. Although it will be a step taken later on. For now I will be focusing on us. You are so right about having the good feeling of someone valuing you. It makes you smile naturally, doesn't it!!

[carmaenforcer]

Yeah ric_12, I'm not ashamed to admit that us guys need to feel wanted and special too.

Remember when I asked you if she had been married before, had kids with another person, her age, etc? Well, I asked those things because I believe that women of a certain age with a certain background will tend to act a certain way. The whole, this is my life, no man is going to tell me what to do, it's all about me, who care about you, attitute.

Nothing is a lost cause are patient and attentive enough. Don't give up, stand up for what you want, pay close attention to what is "really" going on around you and pick your battles carefuly.

Like kenyth and I have said, if you are not married or even talking about it then there is nothing you can say about her still acting like a "single" person.

I don't know if it's a sign that it's time to take the next "big" step but her action could be her way of telling you I want something more from you or I'm going to go back to that same watering hole I found you and keep fishing.

 

Don't jump the gun and propose though if you don't think it's the right time for you or her and know that just because you don't think it's the right time for you don't mean she doesn't want it.

 

Oh man, good luck.

[ric_12]

LOL !!! You have me all cramped up with that post.

 

Marriage is out of the question for us... at least not until we're 20 years older from now. We actually committed to each other this winter while vacationing in Riviera Maya, Mexico. I asked her to marry me... but we both know it will be only many years down the road before we do the formal thing. For me marriage is a done deal, a been there done that experience... almost a never again issue. For her, she wouldn't mind but it's not a big deal, she says it's the commitment to each other that counts. That same day over in Mexico we went out and chose a beautiful set of rings and really committed our love to each other.

 

So my lady is actually not shy to say that she's with someone, even while out in the so called "meat market". I've even asked her jokingly about that and she told me that even the gentlemen she meets respect her. She tells them straight out, I'm married, a conversation is all they are going to get. We both know that men will question that with... well why are you here then. She tells them, I'm here to have a good time with my girlfriend. She told me that she would never accept a phone number....WELL I HOPE SO!! is what I tell her. LOL

 

Ric

[RecordProducer]

I disagree. I think that, since she is dressing up/differently when she goes out without her man, she is doing it to get attention from other men. Why else would she do it?

 

Hmm, that's an interesting viewpoint also. However I believe that if she needs more of his attention, she would try to be super-pretty for him. She feels comfortable with him and doesn't need to seduce him MORE.

 

She definitely likes other men's attention, but there is nothing wrong with that. It might be low self-esteem, but it's not her fault and it doesn't necessarily mean that she is prone to cheationg whatsoever.

[ric_12]

This is interesting....

 

Her self-esteem. I rate it very confident. That's not the problem.

 

Does she need the attention or does it simply happen due to circumstances. I really think it's the latter.

 

She goes out just like she would go to a movie, for the sake of going out with her friend. I don't think she goes for the attention. Of course it must be flattering getting the attention, no doubt. I'm not shy to say that I get approached also, it's flattering.

 

I think you may have hit the nail dead on. She probably feels comfortable with me and over looks the need to seduce for more. The conversation I had with her Sunday might have triggered a reminder for her.

 

I have to admit that this week so far has had an impact. She makes a point to be more attractive after returning home from work. Placing aside the laz-around clothes and dressing sportier, and even slightly sexier all while remaining within the comfort zone of getting out of her office clothes. I'm definitely appreciating it and I'm letting her know how sexy she looks.

[RecordProducer]

Well that's good.

 

Another thing to think about: is her girlfriend attractive? Perhaps there's a dose of competition between them. Maybe it's totally not about the guys approaching her. Maybe she subconsciously wants to show her GF (or herself) that she is more attractive than her. If this girl is good-looking, it might also be the reason why she is not taking YOU with them when they go out.

 

Finally, she might be hot for her friend too?

[carmaenforcer]

That's a good point RecordProducer about her friend being attractive and the competition that may come from that. Who gets the most looks.

[ric_12]

Wow... that's another good point!

 

YES!!! her girlfriend is beautiful, in fact I would place her in the "top model" category . Stunning beyond belief but she doesn't have that "look at me I'm gorgeous" attitude, she gets attention naturally, guys just go crazy for her. Her boyfriend is really jealous, way way past what I've described already. So both of those girls are in the same kind of situation.

 

So maybe my girl feels she has to be just as stunning when she's out with her. Are they "bi"... her friend could be tempted by it but hasn't had the experience yet, my girl has a bit of trouble with it and that wouldn't happen just yet. We've talked about adventuresome sex quite a bit in the past but that's a whole new topic, hehe!!