Pushed away

[Emma]

I have just moved states to be with my boyfriend, and now that i live with him he seems to not apreciate me as much anymore. I find he wont kiss me as often and doesnt say he loves me much anymore. Also he wont help out at all around our place. Im exhausted from doing everything and exhausted from not getting any answers of what he is thinking.

 

I thought maybe i should move back home to be with family and friends but am not sure. He says he doesnt want me to go but i dont know how much longer i can take all this.

 

Any suggestions??

 

Thanks :-)

[midori]

Hi Emma,

 

When one is in a confusing situation like yours, where mixed signals are being sent by an uncooperative/uncommunicative partner, don't discount what you know instinctively to be true. It sounds to me like you know your bf is pushing you away, keeping you out of his inner world and keeping his distance from you generally. Don't relinquish that knowledge just because he says it isn't so. You're an intelligent person with a brain, eyes and ears. You know what's going on. And you know it's not making you happy.

 

I suggest that you take a bit of time to distill your thoughts about the situation. Writing often helps. Talking to other people can too. What is he doing/not doing that you resent? What things will need to change if you are going to stay and be happy? Figure out exactly where you stand, and then stand your ground. Tell your bf, in a non-hostile and unaggressive way, that you've got some problems with the current situation. Explain yourself in clear terms and tell him that as much as you want to stay here with him, you know that unless the problem areas are addressed and remedied, you won't be able to stay because you won't be happy.

 

Give him some time -- a month if you can afford to -- and tell him that if things haven't changed substantially by then that you will be leaving. Make it very plain that you're happy to discuss things with him whenever he likes, as many times as are needed. Then let him digest the news and figure out what he wants to do.

 

I was in very similar circumstances last summer. I joined my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years in the country he was working in. We were supposed to be having an open, on-going dialogue about what we each wanted, needed and were prepared to give to our relationship in the long run. We never discussed anything until the very end of the summer, when he knew he was going to have to make up his mind about whether or not he wanted a future together (even then he couldn't bring himself to do it; I basically had to break up with myself on his behalf). But a month into my stay, when it was clear that there wasn't going to be a dialogue because he wasn't willing to talk (he'd always say, "I just don't have anything to say right now. When I do, I'll tell you."), I'd considered just leaving right then, since he wasn't even trying. I didn't. I stayed, thinking that he just needed more time, thinking that he was a smart guy who would speak when he was ready. Well, it didn't work out that way.

 

Trust your instinct. If you know that you are fully engaged with your heart and thinking clearly about what is going on then chances are pretty good that your instincts will be correct. Don't let him fool you.