Wishing for a child

[witchbreed]

I am together with my boyfriend since last november, I am 39 and he is 40 - we both are young for our age. I have three kids (12, 9 and 5) from my former boyfriend (we were together from 83 till 97) who live with me and he has a son (11) who lives with his former wife (they divorced when his son was a year old). Up till meeting my boyfriend, I was damn sure that I wouldnt want any more kids, just didnt do a tubeligation because of the danger of a premature change of life (I am one of these weird woman who actually enjoy the menstrual cycle).

 

But since Paul and me are together I really wish for a child of ours. Paul is not saying an absolute no, but he is scared, that we are kind of old (we would be 60 when that kid is adult) and he doesnt want to tie me down - I mean in the first year, while nursing one is kind of tied down and I guess there is this hidden fear, that like his marriage, our relationsship might not be able to handle this intense first years. I try to tell him, that first I would not mind being tied down for a while, that my oldest daughter is in an age - and she is a very responsible girl - that she can help out with baby-sitting, and giving us quality together, its not like having only one child.

 

The problem is the following. I have an IUD and I start having difficulties with it. I know this is a purely psychological problem, I just hate the thought of this device inside me, preventing my hearts wish. So I would like to get rid of the IUD and leave contraception up to him. But here is another problem, I really really cant stand rubbers and I know, I will try to get him to have sex with me, without rubbers. And I have the feeling, that there is my feelings about wanting a a child which have to be taken into consideration, but there is his view too. It wouldnt be good to force him and on the other hand I feel, that I have a right to fight for my wishes too. Question for males here: Would you feel blackmailed if your gf wanted a kid and were not willing to provide contraception herself anymore, leaving it up to you?

 

Btw there is no issue about STD between us, we are both checked and healthy and faithful to each other, so we do not need to practise safer sex luckily.

 

Paul is good with kids, my kids love him dearly - but he has been very hurt by his ex, who is overpossive of their son. He calls him weekly, but has up to now, never had him for a vacation, his ex coming up with excuses every time and we had to threathen her with court action to be able to see his son for a couple days this fall break. Whats making this harder is that we live in southern Germany and his ex lives near London. Paul sometimes feels jealous, when he sees the relationsship between my kids and their dad, they spend every other weekend with him in Switzerland and four weeks of vacation. My ex-bf and me were able to split as friends and still get along.

 

Any advice would be dearly appreciated.

[Tony T]

I really don't know what kind of advice you're looking for. You want a kid and you know his feelings. You know what you have to do to have a child.

 

Now, if you're looking for an opinion, I think there are enough children here. You did your duty and at your age your children are still quite small.

 

Do yourself a major favor and devote your energies to the proper raising of the children that are alive now. They need all of you at this point. Having a newborn will require a great deal of time that you really need to help properly raise the children you have.

 

If your relationship is so shakey you feel you need a child to bind it together, forget it. That doesn't work.

 

If you want something to raise and love that won't be very much trouble, get one or two puppies or kittens.

 

Devote yourself to the children you already have. They need every bit of time and love you can give.

 

If it wasn't an opinion you were looking for, please accept my apologies for giving you mine.

[clia]

I agree with Tony, but I also have one more thing to say. This statement worries me...

I try to tell him, that first I would not mind being tied down for a while, that my oldest daughter is in an age - and she is a very responsible girl - that she can help out with baby-sitting, and giving us quality together, its not like having only one child.

[witchbreed]

His feelings are torn between wanting and being scared. Its not to bind us together, I know that doesnt work - I split from the father of my kids.

 

Guess partly its the last chance, I am getting on in age, partly its because I love my bf so much, that I would love to carry his child.

 

I mostly wanted to know, from a male point of view, if its OK to say: I want a child and you dont, so contraception from now on is your responsability.

 

I would never split over the issue, dont get me wrong, I do want that child, but I can live without another one and will not hold that against my bf, I guess already having three, that is OK. Might be different if I didnt yet have kids.

 

Anyway you didnt answer my real question, maybe you will later, but your opinion is appreciated anyway and food for some thoughts.

[witchbreed]

Actually, that goes without saying and I do have an aupair who looks after the kids when I am working. The thing is, she loves babies and she would like to have another sibling. I was thinking about maybe having a meal out once in a while - not leaving her to have to take care of the baby all the time. Guess I didnt explain that enough on the board, just to my bf and my daughter. I did discuss this with my kids too, because if they were against it, I guess I wouldnt dare to have another one. I dont want them to feel, that I would love them any less.

[Laurynn]

If you'd like to have the IUD removed and YOU not use any form of birth control..and leave that up to him, what are the choices? As far as I can see, the only type of (not 100% effective) contraception a man can use is a condom/rubber. You've already admitted that you hate them and that you'd try to get him NOT to use them....so where does that leave you?

 

Your best bet would be to sit down and talk to HIM...tell him that you don't want to use the IUD any more.....and how would he feel about condoms? Whatever you do, do NOT have the IUD removed and not tell him.....you don't want to bring a child into the world based on deception.

 

I dunno...I really think this is all something you should be discussing with him.....exactly what you've told us here. This is far too important of an issue to take advice from, from complete strangers on the Net, I think.

 

L

[Laurynn]

Okay, now let me get this straight. You have 3 kids already, you work full time, I assume..and you have an Au Pair (nanny) care for your kids while you're at work. So how on earth can you afford to take a year off of work (cuz a baby really deserves to have their Mom there for the first year, I think) to care for a baby if you have to work now and have a Nanny raise your kids?

 

My advice...quit your job, stay at home and raise your kids like a Mother should do..as opposed to some Nanny....focus on the children you already have.

 

L

[femaleperspective]

I really don't know what kind of advice you're looking for. You want a kid and you know his feelings. You know what you have to do to have a child.

 

Now, if you're looking for an opinion, I think there are enough children here. You did your duty and at your age your children are still quite small. Do yourself a major favor and devote your energies to the proper raising of the children that are alive now. They need all of you at this point. Having a newborn will require a great deal of time that you really need to help properly raise the children you have. If your relationship is so shakey you feel you need a child to bind it together, forget it. That doesn't work. If you want something to raise and love that won't be very much trouble, get one or two puppies or kittens. Devote yourself to the children you already have. They need every bit of time and love you can give. If it wasn't an opinion you were looking for, please accept my apologies for giving you mine.

I agree with the above!!! Being 48 now and having a 5 yearold boy with NO b/f or husband is very difficult..YOu have been blessed with 3 kids, thinking that your "time clock" is ticking very loud and this maybe what is causing your desire for another child. Also he seems unsure, your not married to this guy, and you will have FOUR kids to raise and suport if he bails.

[witchbreed]

First of all, I work part-time, two days a week - but since I have to commute a long way (150 m) I sleep one night away. So my kids are taken care of during two days and one night by the aupair. I spend a lot of time and quality time with my kids and I know a lot of "fulltime mothers" who spend less time with their kids.

 

Furthermore I will get 4 months paid motherhood vacation, with my last two kids I was allowed to take the babies up to age 1 to my office, to be able to nurse them. So its not like you think it would be.

 

Furthermore I am the better mother for being able to work outside too. Working part-time, I look forward to go away for work and I look forward to come back to my kids. With my first one I had to stop working for a year and I can tell you, I was not happy, much less stable and I tended to be like a mother hen, smothering her, which is not healthy for kids either.

 

Whats this thing about marriage anyway. Does marriage give you any more security? The father of my three kids and me were together 13 years, without marriage. I have been married once, lasted a year. My exhusband, once we were married, thought he didnt have to put in any effort anymore, he had me for sure now. I dont think I will ever want to marry anymore - in my experience it just gives a false sense of security.

 

Btw my bf and me have talked it over this weekend. As we plan to move to Wales in two years (living on the continent right now), we decided to wait till we are living in Wales and I will go off contraception then.