Under pressure Posted March 18, 2006 Share Posted March 18, 2006 My fiance seems to have a high anxiety level. He would say that he isn't anxious just that he sees a problem and wants to fix it. However, I'm starting to feel stressed out by him. He put a lot of pressure on me to get married sooner than I was comfortable with and keeps pressuring me to work on finding a job so we can be in the same location. For the last two weeks I've been under immense pressure at work and told him that, but he kept saying that if I didn't follow up on jobs it could be taken. Now there is some logic to that but I think waiting two days to do something is reasonable, especially when I was under no condition to have additional pressure from him. He says he just wants to work everything out so we can be together. Now I'm wondering if the rest of our life is going to be like this, him pushing, me stressing? We've talked about it and I think he does care for me and says he understands and will do better next time, but I'm wondering if he is capable of being who I need him to be. Why is it so hard for him to understand how he comes across? To me his high pressure to get things done makes me uncomfortable and I wonder if its normal. I'm at the point of wanting to just walk away from all this. His own sister has even said that he can seem pushy sometimes. Why doesn't he see it? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 18, 2006 Share Posted March 18, 2006 Now I'm wondering if the rest of our life is going to be like this, him pushing, me stressing? It's very likely. If this is how he has been all along, then this is how he is. He can promise to 'do better' until the cows come home but high-stress people don't just become calmer with a wave of a magic wand. I've had one of those people in my life. It's horrible because his stress keeps you wound up constantly. I'm very concerned that you say you're getting married sooner than you're comfortable with. I'm seeing big, flashing red lights here. You shouldn't marry until and you *want* to, not because you're being pushed into it. With all these issues, I'd suggest you push back the marriage and remain engaged for a while longer and see how you feel in another several months. Link to post Share on other sites
justagirliegirl Posted March 18, 2006 Share Posted March 18, 2006 Take it as a warning sign. If he is nagging you now before you are even married, it will only get worse afterwords. Link to post Share on other sites
SuperMonk Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 Postpone the marriage for now. How long have you known this dude? You didn't give that detail, put those details out so we can analyse your post better. Link to post Share on other sites
MusicWoman Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 i agree with everyone else... basically you have two possibilites. One is that hes just pushing because he can't wait to start a life with you and have everything to fall into place and go out and buy a white picked fence. He could just be pushing because hes so excited. Two is that hes always going to be acting like this. Personally, I would take the advice of the other people posting here and postpone the wedding to find out exactly which on it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 He put a lot of pressure on me to get married sooner than I was comfortable with This is not a sign of love to me, maybe control, but not love. Now I'm wondering if the rest of our life is going to be like this, him pushing, me stressing? If you are wondering, then that's an indication that you shouldn't get married. Getting married will definately answer the questions, but it will then be too late. Get the answers THEN get married. I think he does care for me You think? He "cares" for you? Do you know that he loves you? I'm not "picking on you" or finding fault with your choice of words, but I think your choice of words might illustrate the relationship without you realizing it. I'm wondering if he is capable of being who I need him to be. If there is ANY doubt in your mind, then WAIT to get married. Why is it so hard for him to understand how he comes across? To be fair, men are wired differently than we are. Things that seem so obvious to a woman, just aren't even there for a man and vise versa. To me his high pressure to get things done makes me uncomfortable You need to tell HIM that. His own sister has even said that he can seem pushy sometimes. Why doesn't he see it? Because he is being himself. You can make him aware of your feelings, but you can't expect to change HIM. Link to post Share on other sites
Under pressure Posted March 23, 2006 Share Posted March 23, 2006 Thanks for all your imput. It helps see things more clearly. We've been dating since last Feb and have apart since last July, doing the long distance thing. We had brief brearkup this summer when he moved. He was giving me lots of mixed messages so I broke up with him. After that I moved and started dating someone in the new city I moved to. He was a nice guy but I didn't see things turing into a life long relationship. We dated for two months or so and then had an amicable break up. My now fiance had made it clear how he felt about me so I started thinking of getting back together with him. From the moment he decided he wanted everything to work out with us he was trying to figure out ways for us to be in the same place, part of which I took as pressure to make a decision so everything else could be lined up. I started to feel secure that he was so sure of us and would do anything for me. He does love me but I think he gets carried away sometimes. When I explained to him how I felt when he seemed so pushy he seemed to understand and promised to be more aware. I know people don't change so I'm sure i'll have to call him on it again. Anyway, I would like more time to think about things and just get comfortable with the whole idea of marriage. As it turns out, now that people are finding out that I'm engaged I feel like I seem like the bad guy. I was dating the guy from work not that long ago and now I'm getting married? I'm a pretty down to earth, non dramatic, private person normally so this is not me. So I'm feeling bad about that. It looks like now our jobs are being arranged and my boss thinks I'm leaving and basically the whole world knows we're getting married and I can't postpone. I love him and we can talk about most anything. I've even told him I've been worried about everything lately and he just says that that's not good and that I have a decision to make. I can cancel the wedding but I can't postpone, too many things are lined up. To be be perfectly honest, I was engaged about 7 years ago and cancelled the wedding to a guy I had dated 5yrs and and I don't want to be known as the runaway bride. I just don't know if getting cold feet is my thing or if one day I'll just know 100%. It doesn't seem so difficult for most other people. Link to post Share on other sites
MusicWoman Posted March 23, 2006 Share Posted March 23, 2006 To be be perfectly honest, I was engaged about 7 years ago and cancelled the wedding to a guy I had dated 5yrs and and I don't want to be known as the runaway bride. I just don't know if getting cold feet is my thing or if one day I'll just know 100%. It doesn't seem so difficult for most other people. Its your life your talking about here. It seems that you are more concerned with what other people think of you then what you want to do with your life. I mean, would you get married to a guy your not sure of just so other people won't think of you as a runaway bride? Living like this isn't going to cause you much happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
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