I love my man, but he is a cheater, how can I end the heartache?

[soitgoes]

I need some motivational advice.

I met my boyfriend when I was 20, he 21. It's almost 7 years later now. We love each other but I cannot trust him. He has cheated on me and lied about it multiple times. After all we've been through I still feel he can't admit to it. Saying that when something happened we were "broken up" (when I knew we weren't) or that I was overreacting or that it was that I wasn't paying enough attention to him. Ultimately blaming me for his lying. I have been faithful during our entire relationship, even the broken up times.

I am afraid of losing him. I have grown so close to his family, and them, me. Our time together is amazing and I am afraid I cannot find someone I love as much.

In august of 2004 I found out he had interests in yet another woman. He had lied about where he was and the way he was treating me was a sure sign. I ended it and told him that I could never go through it again. I moved to the city, got my dream job I had been searching for for years and tried to move on. In november around my birthday I let him back into my life. By december he had told me everything I wanted to hear and convinced me that he would never hurt me again, never lie to me again.

It has been over a year of everything being great and me thinking he had really changed, until a few weekends ago. I was at his house and while he was out of the room a woman called his cell, then the house. I answered saying I was his girlfriend and handed him the phone. He first said it was a work friend, then later told the truth that it was a friend from the bar. Saying that she likes him but he hasn't done anything. While arguing he fought me out of the house claiming that he has friends that are girls and I have to deal with it. I was hurt and couldn't believe the pattern was forming again.

We talked on the phone and I said I thought we should meet and talk about all that was going on. I was depressed, couldn't stop crying, thinking. He said he didn't care and didn't want to deal with my bs anymore (which is a pattern- him being mean after he's caught). I said then I guess it's over and haven't talked to him since.

My problem now is that I am afraid of him contacting me in a few weeks with more empty promises. I am afraid of believing him again because of how strong my love is. He has admitted before that his is a prick, but he will be a great husband. I feel that he knows he want's a future with me but in the present he wants to have fun with whoever can ask the new questions and have this new interest in him. I am afraid that if I take him back again and we get married someday I will constantly be looking over my shoulder. Some day finding susie homemaker from down the street's number on the caller id. What if we have children at that point? What if I end up never feeling truly loved? I feel like he wants me in his life, but only if he can find out that there isn't anyone better first.

I am just searching for anyone who has gone through this and has any advice. I know that I should have no contact and move on, but it is really difficult when you love someone so strongly. We have been together for so long that we have all the same friends. I also feel like such a failure that I have let myself be a victim again.

Please someone give me some advice.

[tikigods]

I am going to be blunt and say that I don't believe that someone that loves someone else would cheat on them, lie about it AND do it many times. I think its safe to say you love him and he may be content with you ...till he cheats again

 

Honestly if he lies and has done this many times I don't see why you are even bothering tring to trust him, seeing as with his history he will only break it once again.

 

I say its time to become a stronger person, let this guy out of your life, do you really want to spend the rest of your life being lied to and manipulated? Love isn't enough, and it sounds more like you are to scared to leave him more then you want to be with him.

 

You will find someone you love and even more so, cause love is based on trust (which you don't have) I say no conatct, and get this ass out of your life and find happiness with yourself

[soitgoes]

thanks for the reply.

I have to say I felt a sting reading what you had to say.

It is true.

I have been listening to my heart instead of my head.

I am afraid of moving on and not finding someone I love as much.

Have you been through this personally?

I do feel that if I had the time to find someone with whom I never had to question the love or trust I could break the cycle. I have never had the time because, like an idiot, I keep believing the he has changed. I want to feel content and not like a failure. I just want to be happy.

I condensed my story completely- there is so much more in it that I didn't want to subject people to read.

I feel like I have so many wonderful and individual qualities to share with someone- I feel scared that if I find someone in the future I won't love them as much.

Maybe this can change over time. Thats why I signed on and posted. I just needed some encourgement.

[No Stress Lady]

thanks for the reply.

I have to say I felt a sting reading what you had to say.

It is true.

I have been listening to my heart instead of my head.

I am afraid of moving on and not finding someone I love as much.

Have you been through this personally?

I do feel that if I had the time to find someone with whom I never had to question the love or trust I could break the cycle. I have never had the time because, like an idiot, I keep believing the he has changed. I want to feel content and not like a failure. I just want to be happy.

I condensed my story completely- there is so much more in it that I didn't want to subject people to read.

I feel like I have so many wonderful and individual qualities to share with someone- I feel scared that if I find someone in the future I won't love them as much.

Maybe this can change over time. Thats why I signed on and posted. I just needed some encourgement.

 

Tikigods is right - he doesn't love you.

 

You WILL find the right guy - the longer you spend with this jerk the more time you waste and the worse you're going to feel.

 

You know you deserve better - don't let this man walk all over your heart and get you down - he is not worth it.

 

You've wasted too long already.

 

Get rid of him and focus on yourself.

 

Make time to spend with your friends, make time for yourself and your family.

 

Tell yourself that you are special and don't try to rush into a relationship with the next guy you meet. Learn to love yourself as a single girl, learn to love the freedom of being a free agent and being free of all the negative feelings that this guy is causing in you.

 

Stop wasting your precious time and energy on him.

 

Breaking up is hard but in time, when you've met the man that's right for you - and you WILL meet him!!!! - you'll look back and be so pleased that you cut this worthless cheater out of your life - and you'll wish you'd done it sooner. Don't hesitate - the sooner you're free the sooner you can start living the life you deserve.

 

Good luck and keep posting.........

[beriwhit123]

I am going through the same thing. Everyone tells me if you want him and he comes back go get counseling. He believes it is ok to do this to you and it is not. Either counseling will fix it or make him and you realize you both do not belong together. Good luck.

[soitgoes]

Okay. This is so hard to deal with but if anyone has seen my post and is going through the same thing you should check this out.

Borderline Personality Disorder.

I believe my x definately has this.

I have been checking out a site-

http://www.bpdcentral.com

It has really helped.

Realizing my bf has this disorder is hard but being around others with the same problems is helpful.

If you have a cronic cheater (and he also controls you) and are scared you should look into it.

It is a serious illness. It is still hard to cope but it will answer questions.

[No Stress Lady]

Okay. This is so hard to deal with but if anyone has seen my post and is going through the same thing you should check this out.

Borderline Personality Disorder.

I believe my x definately has this.

I have been checking out a site-

www.bpdcentral.com

It has really helped.

Realizing my bf has this disorder is hard but being around others with the same problems is helpful.

If you have a cronic cheater (and he also controls you) and are scared you should look into it.

It is a serious illness. It is still hard to cope but it will answer questions.

 

Has your (ex) boyfriend been professionally diagnosed with this disorder?

[soitgoes]

Good question.

No.

I haven't talked to him in a couple weeks.

A light bulb just went off in my head reading all these symptoms.

I guess it just validated it for me that if we were to every try it again we would both have to see a therapist and really figure out what is going on here.

Believe me I don't want him to have this disorder.

It almost dooms that his pattern will never end- causing more and more pain for him, me, and anyone he is ever with.

Your right, I cannot diagnose him.

At this point I am trying to figure everything out and I do have a strong feeling that he may have this disorder.

[pricillia]

Dear so it goes,

 

I know what listening to your heart is like as I like many was with a married man that was not there for me when I needed him on many occasions, I really think that he is a coward! I went back for more as for allot of women we use our hearts instead of our heads. To have a physical or emotional connection is human need but we all deserve trust and sincerity in a relationship. It does not seem like the man in your life is ready to be with you and only you, and don't just think that you have allot to offer KNOW IT. Keep him at arms length and know that there is someone else out there that you may love not like you love this current but in a better more mature way...may take time but I do not think that this one is the one for you.

[bigbrowneyes]

Hey Soitgoes,

 

I wanted to let you know that I've lived your situation first hand. Not only is it emotionally painful, it changes who you are as an individual. I spent 6 years with a man who cheated several times. I tell you that the pain you are experiencing now is nothing compared to what you will feel for the remainder of your life if you choose to go back with this man. You deserve someone who loves you and doesn't make his wrong choices your mistake. My x and I went through lots of counseling and let me share with you that he was charming and said all the right things. In the mean time, he was doing everything I feared he was doing. Don't waste your life looking over your shoulder and wondering. Live your life with someone by your side who respects your relationship and loves you heart and soul. It hurts...that is certain...but you will heal. Learn who you are again and live life well. And when God brings you the man you're supposed to share your life with, you'll be glad you didn't settle for the man you left behind.