I am in love with a cheater, how can I end it?

[soitgoes]

I need some motivational advice.

I met my boyfriend when I was 20, he 21. It's almost 7 years later now. We love each other but I cannot trust him. He has cheated on me and lied about it multiple times. After all we've been through I still feel he can't admit to it. Saying that when something happened we were "broken up" (when I knew we weren't) or that I was overreacting or that it was that I wasn't paying enough attention to him. Ultimately blaming me for his lying. I have been faithful during our entire relationship, even the broken up times.

I am afraid of losing him. I have grown so close to his family, and them, me. Our time together is amazing and I am afraid I cannot find someone I love as much.

In august of 2004 I found out he had interests in yet another woman. He had lied about where he was and the way he was treating me was a sure sign. I ended it and told him that I could never go through it again. I moved to the city, got my dream job I had been searching for for years and tried to move on. In november around my birthday I let him back into my life. By december he had told me everything I wanted to hear and convinced me that he would never hurt me again, never lie to me again.

It has been over a year of everything being great and me thinking he had really changed, until a few weekends ago. I was at his house and while he was out of the room a woman called his cell, then the house. I answered saying I was his girlfriend and handed him the phone. He first said it was a work friend, then later told the truth that it was a friend from the bar. Saying that she likes him but he hasn't done anything. While arguing he fought me out of the house claiming that he has friends that are girls and I have to deal with it. I was hurt and couldn't believe the pattern was forming again.

We talked on the phone and I said I thought we should meet and talk about all that was going on. I was depressed, couldn't stop crying, thinking. He said he didn't care and didn't want to deal with my bs anymore (which is a pattern- him being mean after he's caught). I said then I guess it's over and haven't talked to him since.

My problem now is that I am afraid of him contacting me in a few weeks with more empty promises. I am afraid of believing him again because of how strong my love is. He has admitted before that his is a prick, but he will be a great husband. I feel that he knows he want's a future with me but in the present he wants to have fun with whoever can ask the new questions and have this new interest in him. I am afraid that if I take him back again and we get married someday I will constantly be looking over my shoulder. Some day finding susie homemaker from down the street's number on the caller id. What if we have children at that point? What if I end up never feeling truly loved? I feel like he wants me in his life, but only if he can find out that there isn't anyone better first.

I am just searching for anyone who has gone through this and has any advice. I know that I should have no contact and move on, but it is really difficult when you love someone so strongly. We have been together for so long that we have all the same friends. I also feel like such a failure that I have let myself be a victim again.

Please someone give me some advice.

[lindya]

I am just searching for anyone who has gone through this and has any advice. I know that I should have no contact and move on, but it is really difficult when you love someone so strongly. We have been together for so long that we have all the same friends. I also feel like such a failure that I have let myself be a victim again.

Please someone give me some advice.

 

I've watched friends go through similar, and it's very difficult to see people you care about continually put themselves through that. Likewise, they've seen me involved in bad patterns and felt similarly frustrated.

 

What makes those last few shreds of hope (ie that he might change) so precious to you? Let's say that after 10 years of this, he suddenly met someone he decided was "the one"....and changed into all the things you hoped he'd change into - but for someone other than you. You'd have to move on with your life then. There'd be no option...so how would you go about doing it?

 

He's got into this pattern of behaviour with you. He's got away with it for so many years, that I don't see how it would be possible to remove the heavily ingrained message that ultimately you'll always let him away with it. If there's even a chance of him changing (and I'd debate strongly whether someone like that ever does change) it will almost certainly be with someone else who he's made a fresh start with. That's not a reflection on you, it's just a reflection on the type of relationship you and this guy have developed between you over the years.

 

You're not a victim. You're someone who has acclimatised herself over the years to the situation she's in, and is managing it as best as she can. People are adaptable that way....but you're reminding me here of an African bird that's managing to survive in a cold climate. You're getting by. You're surviving as best as you can in an environment that isn't really right for you...but because you don't know what else is out there, you just keep plugging on in less than ideal circumstances.

 

You're not going to really start flourishing until you remove yourself from this situation. Maybe you won't meet someone else this year or next. Perhaps you'll spend a lengthy period of time on your own discovering who you really are, beyond simply being the girl whose boyfriend always lies to her and cheats with other girls. Or who knows, you might meet Mr Right for You in a couple of months and spend the summer in a state of bliss, wondering how on earth you could have put up with second best for so long.

 

There's lots of advice here on stopping contact with someone you've been in a destructive relationship with. I hope you make, and stick with, the choice that's best for you.

[Curmudgeon]

Suck it up, deal with it, go total no contact, ride it out and constantly tell yourself that you deserve far better than someone so lacking in character and integrity.

 

If you ever want children is he the example of a father and partner you'd want them to live with and learn from?

[LoveNoLoss]

just another serial cheater that you have unfortuantly been involved with.

 

It also sounds like you have been together since you were really young. Of course that is not a reason to cheat but it may have something to do with it.

 

I went through the same thing with my ex-husband. I caught him twice but he only went on to cheat with many more women. I think a total of 7. These people have serious character flaws. There is something ingrained in them (whatever it is) that makes them able to cheat, cheat, cheat. Also, the ability to feel lack of guilt makes it possible too.

 

I too wonder if these people can change. Some people will say yes while others will say no.. it depends on who and what their experience is.

 

Are you willing to stay in a less than respectful relationship? What about STD's? Have you been tested? Trust me, don't have children with this man unless you want to end up raising them on your own. Besides, what kind of example what that be to your children?

 

When you are in the thick of things, its hard to imagine going on without him. BELIEVE ME I KNOW. If I were you, I would start no contact with this man. Tell him WHY you are going NC and stick to it. That means, no phone calls, no seeing each other, no emails, text messages... NOTHING. If you do NC right, it will be the hardest thing you ever do. Tell him you want him in therapy. Clearly, he needs professional help to become a man in this world. Don't take his empty promises anymore. He has perfected the ability to lie. They often do and especially after so many years. He has it down pat.

 

Learn to love yourself. In the end, it all comes down to us. Trust yourself and your instincts. If you both go your own ways, you will find yourself very alone. Rely on friends and family during these times. Surely, you know someone, even a co-worker you can trust to get you through these tough times.

 

I understand your fear of being alone and your fear of never loving again. I am going through both. Somedays I swear Ill be alone for the rest of my life. The good news is, I am learning who I am day by day and being on my own really isn't all that bad.

 

I don't mean to make it so cut and dry but I just want you to see the light. I think someone on here had a signature that said "its better to lose a lover than love a loser" ... and honey.. your boyfriend is a loser.