Trust/Lying and moving on

[stratt28]

My live-in girlfriend and I have been together for nearly two years now and we have had some bumps along the way, even though I love her very very much. It all started when I found out that she was still emailing an ex-lover. She at first denied it and then admitted it. I wouldn't have had a problem with it if she didnt lie to me about it...AND if it didnt happen again. Next, she tells me she wont do that kind of thing again (she had mentioned to him about going to see him and didnt ever mention it to me...). Like a dirty rat, I put some monitoring software on the computer and discovered that she's emailing her ex-fiance! She had told me what an ass he is and how she hates him...well, 5 emails later she said she was curious how he was....she didnt mention getting together with him but did send him some old pictures of a relative of his. I confronted her and she apologized (again, after having first denied it) and said she wouldnt do it again. By this point I'm starting to worry about us. However, I always give people the benefit of the doubt, especially when they are my partner. Moving along, we ended up having a threesome with my best friend. We had both talked about doing this for along time. I was fine with it after she said she was cool with it. Well, the next several weeks that followed she ended up having a bunch of phone calls from him and she even made some to him!!! She ended up telling me because she said she felt guilty. They talked about getting together alone without me, which really hurt me alot. I didnt talk to him for months. I just recently started to a little bit. I'm cool with the htreesome, but not the ##### that she did behind my back. Last but not least, she ends up emailing (from her work) another old lover because they both work in the same field (medical). I asked her about it and she denied it (I knew her password). then she said she had but that it was no big deal. Now she's gone and changed her password and doesnt seem to trust me but I feel like it was her fault - I just caught her doing it. Her initial response was that if I had never known about it then it never would have been an issue. I DON'T SUBSCRIBE TO THAT PHILOSOPHY!!! I want an open relationship with my lover, especially when things like threesomes happen! So, now I still struggle trying to trust her. There's been other lies, like finances, etc. She's gone onto a personal site to look for her first bisexual experience and I saw an add that looked like her and confronted her about it - at first she denied it then said I was nosey. It was her ad!!! She put a couple of personal ad's out there when I was in England because she said it allowed her to move around the sites better - yeah, right. What does everyone think I should do? I don't want to waste my time, but can she do better? Should I be patient? Am I a fool? And also, how many people would be suspicious of their partner not wanting you to know their E-mail password? She literally kicked me out of her office once because she said her password was on her desk and didnt want me to see it after what happened before. I don't want to spend the rest of my life worrying if I'm being lied to or not!!!

 

Lost in NH,

 

J

[midori]

Dear J,

 

Why on earth do you think you have the right to your partner's passwords?

 

Why on earth do you want to continue a relationship with someone who repeatedly lies to you in a remarkably adolescent way?

 

I must say that the relationship you've described doesn't sound promising. There is no trust between you. And perhaps that's justifiable, given each of your sneaky tendencies.

 

I can sympathize. I can relate to where you're coming from -- uneasy suspicions, not feeling like you're getting honest answers -- why wouldn' t you resort to invading your gf's privacy? If I were as technically savvy as you are when I was trying to figure out what was really going on with my ex, I might have tried to get into his aol account. Through my own lack of know-how I was kept on the high road ... and I'm glad.

 

You've taken actions that demonstrate you have no confidence in your gf, and however right you are in feeling that, you've demonstrated to her that you are equally untrustworthy. Everyone needs privacy, you've violated hers in the same way that a parent who suspects his kid is up to no good goes through the kid's room. Except that you're not her parent!! You don't set rules which she is obliged to obey because you said so. That's even true for basic relational assumptions like fidelity -- it's agreed upon by both partners, not imposed by one. The fundamental requirement for a healthy relationship is trust. If you don't trust your partner, you must tell her. If you don't find her reassurances to be convincing or adequate, you must tell her that. If she loves you she will take to heart the fact that you are uneasy -- even if your uneasiness is completely unwarranted.

 

Now it sounds like you did try to have some discussions with your gf before resorting to sneakiness. And it sounds like she blew off your worries and wasn't willing to acknowledge that you were unhappy about the situation. So it sounds to me like she's not inclined to take your feelings into consideration. This is backed up by the info you gleaned through your spying. Why, then, would you want to continue with this silly, immature girl?

 

Do you want a girlfriend, or do you want a parolee who is on constant probation? Do you want to be with someone you trust implicitly or someone you can only trust after independently confirming that her story is true? Do you want to spend your time with your girlfriend, enjoying life together, or do you want to spend your time as a cyber-sleuth, tracking down the movements of an unstable woman?

 

I know which I'd prefer.

[Ejs82]

DAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMN man. Its like.....like you could make a TV show about it and it would be a huge hit. You sure you didnt jack this plot from TV or something? But to the advice...I personally think that it sounds like you all are WAY over-due on breaking up. I mean, yeah she had the three-some with you but maybe she did it just so she could have sex with another person besides you some how? Maybe her talking with her Ex's and CONSTANTLY, CONSTANTLY lying to you...maybe, and probably, shes tired and wants different wants and needs from SOMEONE else. I dont think it sounds like this can be worked out, too much damage done and no silver lining in the picture. So, stop wasting your time and de-stress yourself, get out of it.

 

AND on a christian note...If you were to follow a relationship with christian morals then you would not have to deal with all this and God would make sure (IF you all loved each other truly) that you make it through ANYTHING. But you dont care...I just needed to say it though. But take my advice in the first paragraph, its what's meant to be.

 

My live-in girlfriend and I have been together for nearly two years now and we have had some bumps along the way, even though I love her very very much. It all started when I found out that she was still emailing an ex-lover. She at first denied it and then admitted it. I wouldn't have had a problem with it if she didnt lie to me about it...AND if it didnt happen again. Next, she tells me she wont do that kind of thing again (she had mentioned to him about going to see him and didnt ever mention it to me...). Like a dirty rat, I put some monitoring software on the computer and discovered that she's emailing her ex-fiance! She had told me what an ass he is and how she hates him...well, 5 emails later she said she was curious how he was....she didnt mention getting together with him but did send him some old pictures of a relative of his. I confronted her and she apologized (again, after having first denied it) and said she wouldnt do it again. By this point I'm starting to worry about us. However, I always give people the benefit of the doubt, especially when they are my partner. Moving along, we ended up having a threesome with my best friend. We had both talked about doing this for along time. I was fine with it after she said she was cool with it. Well, the next several weeks that followed she ended up having a bunch of phone calls from him and she even made some to him!!! She ended up telling me because she said she felt guilty. They talked about getting together alone without me, which really hurt me alot. I didnt talk to him for months. I just recently started to a little bit. I'm cool with the htreesome, but not the ##### that she did behind my back. Last but not least, she ends up emailing (from her work) another old lover because they both work in the same field (medical). I asked her about it and she denied it (I knew her password). then she said she had but that it was no big deal. Now she's gone and changed her password and doesnt seem to trust me but I feel like it was her fault - I just caught her doing it. Her initial response was that if I had never known about it then it never would have been an issue. I DON'T SUBSCRIBE TO THAT PHILOSOPHY!!! I want an open relationship with my lover, especially when things like threesomes happen! So, now I still struggle trying to trust her. There's been other lies, like finances, etc. She's gone onto a personal site to look for her first bisexual experience and I saw an add that looked like her and confronted her about it - at first she denied it then said I was nosey. It was her ad!!! She put a couple of personal ad's out there when I was in England because she said it allowed her to move around the sites better - yeah, right. What does everyone think I should do? I don't want to waste my time, but can she do better? Should I be patient? Am I a fool? And also, how many people would be suspicious of their partner not wanting you to know their E-mail password? She literally kicked me out of her office once because she said her password was on her desk and didnt want me to see it after what happened before. I don't want to spend the rest of my life worrying if I'm being lied to or not!!! Lost in NH, J

[Laurynn]

Unreal.

 

You two don't have a relationship, it's a farce. You're sneaking around checking up on her, she's sneaking around and lying to you. She's lied on several occasions and each time you put up with it, you're being an enabler.

 

A relationship has to have TRUST as the foundation. You two do not have trust. In a "healthy" relationship, there should be no desire/need to hack into their partner's email acct/use spying software to log their net activities. Um, hello, McFly? Do you see what's wrong with this whole situation?

 

And this thing with the threesome...well geezus, buddy..what the hell do you expect when you let your g/f get boinked by another guy?

 

Frankly, you all sound nuts.

 

L

[Laurynn]

You wrote:

 

"AND on a christian note...If you were to follow a relationship with christian morals then you would not have to deal with all this and God would make sure (IF you all loved each other truly) that you make it through ANYTHING. But you dont care...I just needed to say it though. But take my advice in the first paragraph, its what's meant to be."

 

Sorry to tell ya, but even Christians have to work at their relationships.....just because a couple are Christians, that doesn't mean that they can just sit back and God will do all the work to keep their relationship together. Even Christians have free will to do as they choose.....where'd you learn this stuff...this, and the stuff about even Jesus not being able to predict the future? Do you belong to some extremist religious sect?

 

L

[femaleperspective]

My live-in girlfriend and I have been together for nearly two years now and we have had some bumps along the way, even though I love her very very much. It all started when I found out that she was still emailing an ex-lover. She at first denied it and then admitted it. I wouldn't have had a problem with it if she didnt lie to me about it...AND if it didnt happen again. Next, she tells me she wont do that kind of thing again (she had mentioned to him about going to see him and didnt ever mention it to me...). Like a dirty rat, I put some monitoring software on the computer and discovered that she's emailing her ex-fiance! She had told me what an ass he is and how she hates him...well, 5 emails later she said she was curious how he was....she didnt mention getting together with him but did send him some old pictures of a relative of his. I confronted her and she apologized (again, after having first denied it) and said she wouldnt do it again. By this point I'm starting to worry about us. However, I always give people the benefit of the doubt, especially when they are my partner. Moving along, we ended up having a threesome with my best friend. We had both talked about doing this for along time. I was fine with it after she said she was cool with it. Well, the next several weeks that followed she ended up having a bunch of phone calls from him and she even made some to him!!! She ended up telling me because she said she felt guilty. They talked about getting together alone without me, which really hurt me alot. I didnt talk to him for months. I just recently started to a little bit. I'm cool with the htreesome, but not the ##### that she did behind my back. Last but not least, she ends up emailing (from her work) another old lover because they both work in the same field (medical). I asked her about it and she denied it (I knew her password). then she said she had but that it was no big deal. Now she's gone and changed her password and doesnt seem to trust me but I feel like it was her fault - I just caught her doing it. Her initial response was that if I had never known about it then it never would have been an issue. I DON'T SUBSCRIBE TO THAT PHILOSOPHY!!! I want an open relationship with my lover, especially when things like threesomes happen! So, now I still struggle trying to trust her. There's been other lies, like finances, etc. She's gone onto a personal site to look for her first bisexual experience and I saw an add that looked like her and confronted her about it - at first she denied it then said I was nosey. It was her ad!!! She put a couple of personal ad's out there when I was in England because she said it allowed her to move around the sites better - yeah, right. What does everyone think I should do? I don't want to waste my time, but can she do better? Should I be patient? Am I a fool? And also, how many people would be suspicious of their partner not wanting you to know their E-mail password? She literally kicked me out of her office once because she said her password was on her desk and didnt want me to see it after what happened before. I don't want to spend the rest of my life worrying if I'm being lied to or not!!! Lost in NH, J

The grasses are greener over septic tanks where this relationship is concerned..it stinks.

[Ejs82]

yes

 

You wrote: "AND on a christian note...If you were to follow a relationship with christian morals then you would not have to deal with all this and God would make sure (IF you all loved each other truly) that you make it through ANYTHING. But you dont care...I just needed to say it though. But take my advice in the first paragraph, its what's meant to be." Sorry to tell ya, but even Christians have to work at their relationships.....just because a couple are Christians, that doesn't mean that they can just sit back and God will do all the work to keep their relationship together. Even Christians have free will to do as they choose.....where'd you learn this stuff...this, and the stuff about even Jesus not being able to predict the future? Do you belong to some extremist religious sect?

 

L