crazy affair

[the one]

i have been married for 4 years and in an affair for 3 years. When i met my mistress, it was suppose to be a fling but she blew me a away with love. All the attension and respect that i lacked in my marriage was doubled by her. We connect in an extraordinary level. My wife found out about this and kicked me out. I know this sounds crazy but i love these two woman. I sometime think that what i feel for my wife is pity because i am all she got. I still feel responsible for her. Initially she wanted nothing to do with me. Now she is showing signs of wanting me back. In as much as i would want to do the right thing by going back to her, i wouldnt want to trow away a life with my soul mate ( my mistress )

[Ladyjane14]

In as much as i would want to do the right thing by going back to her, i wouldnt want to trow away a life with my soul mate ( my mistress )

 

There's just no nice way to say this, so I'll just say it....

You are an adulterer. What that means in real-life terms is that currently you are not a worthwhile marriage partner.

 

As things stand today, any involvement with you is a WASTE of your wife's God-given time. A relationship with you prevents her from making a REAL connection with someone else. It precludes the possibility that she might one day find a man who TRULY loves her for who she is, and who will enter into a loving partnership that she may depend upon her whole life long.

 

You didn't even last a year before you flaked out on her. What makes you think you'd do better if you went back?

 

You expressed a desire not to "throw away" your own life. But unless you were to figure out what it is that made cheating okay for you, and unless you were to repair that mindset....you'd just be throwing away your wife's good years too. We can't stay young forever. And it REALLY sucks to realize that you've wasted your youth on someone who didn't deserve your investment.

 

If this is the best you can do, and that's all you've got on the ball as a 'husband'.....my advice to you is to let your wife go. She deserves a chance at happiness that you can't give her.

[dgiirl]

obviously, you are not happy in your marriage and you think your relationship is better with your mistress. And by the sounds of it, the only reason you would go back to the marriage is because you feel pity for your wife. What a horrible arrogant condsecending attitude for you to have of ANYone, let alone your own wife. Leave your wife alone. You dont love her and even tho she's hurting right now, she will get over your sorry ass and find someone who truely does love her and deserve her. Do you have any intention of breaking up with your mistress if you went back to the marriage? If not, then you dont have a marriage. Your wife deserves so much more than what you are offering her.

[tikigods]

I agree with the two above me. You don't love your wife and its time that you allow her to go find someone that isn't a flake and won't cheat on her and otherwise isn't there just to help boost someones ego.

[debb66]

Saw this and had to post..I am currently in a divorce after 16 years of marriage to the most selfish man on the planet. He also felt he had to come back home he stated after the 2nd affair due to pity for me and our daughter....too late. I told him to take his sorry butt and go to the other woman..called her, told her she could have him. She ran for the hills the next day...has nothing to do with him.

 

Believe me, it's different when the wonderful, flattering, mind blowing sexual partner called 'the other woman' finds out...she realizes that the wife is an actual breathing human being. And, if these idiot other women were smart enough, they would open their eyes wide and say "Gee...I'm with a man that cheats on his wife..our affair is hidden...I'm only getting a part of him...how stupid am I???"

 

If these luscious creatures had to do their lover's dirty underwear, raise kids with them, worry about bills, basically - REAL LIFE - they wouldn't seem so great in the attention department..the sexual department, either. You'll find sex isn't that great when reality comes crashing in.

 

I just find this appalling that the wife is kept in the dark...if marriages are so bad..then get out. OR, better yet...bring that wonderful lover/confidant over to the house for supper..explain together to the wife about how great this woman is...let them meet...then let the wife talk of what she's missing in a marriage...bring her side to the mix. 10 times out of 10, she's missing a hell of a lot too. Let the 2 women compare notes on what they are both missing from the relationships...but the only one that would count would be the wife..for the other woman is just dirt on someone's shoe...the marriage is the foremost thing of importance.

 

It seems to me that if a person can put strength, effort, lust, 'love', drive, betrayal, power, lying, bonding..and anything else that might come to mind that goes into affairs...if all that can be done..no wonder the marriage is one of "pity". The wife is receiving nothing in the way of support, love, desire, communication...women need to feel loved, needed and wanted. I can see why she can't feel this stuff and has lacked in her part of the marriage...all her marital needs are being given away to another woman that is considered a slut in my book, as well as many others I would imagine.

 

Let that woman go and find a man that will truly love her....treat her like a wife should be..she deserves that. Passion might look great outside the marriage...and it should..there's no responsibilty or real life to it. Run to the soul mate....let her wait it out until things aren't great with her and she ends up getting cheated on. Too many spouses take cheating very personal, when they really need to step back and see that their cheating spouse is the one with the problem. It's easy to say you aren't getting the right kind of attention and blame your wife - that kind of takes the light off of what you're doing. It's better to blame her than to admit that you are breaking the marriage vows you took before God...you are to blame - not your wife. YOU opened a door with an outsider that never should have been opened. YOU allowed her into your marriage..she never could have known your marriage was not good to you unless you told her. My guess is that tons of things have been embellished to make the drama more to her taste so she can perform her pleasing ways.

 

This makes me sick to see - a marriage out of pity...this is sickness. I feel for that woman and I don't even know her. Sorry...just my .02. When you've been thru what you're putting your wife thru, you learn the tricks of the trade..you learn real quick what a real man is...and what a real man isn't. I'm divorcing a man that isn't due to adultery. He can live happily ever after looking for his soul mate for all I care. I get phone calls, emails, visits begging me back..he's sorry..he made a mistake..whatever. Get over yourself and move on...I'm on the hunt for a real man. Your wife should be too.

[orpheus]

i have been married for 4 years and in an affair for 3 years. When i met my mistress, it was suppose to be a fling but she blew me a away with love. All the attension and respect that i lacked in my marriage was doubled by her. We connect in an extraordinary level. My wife found out about this and kicked me out. I know this sounds crazy but i love these two woman. I sometime think that what i feel for my wife is pity because i am all she got. I still feel responsible for her. Initially she wanted nothing to do with me. Now she is showing signs of wanting me back. In as much as i would want to do the right thing by going back to her, i wouldnt want to trow away a life with my soul mate ( my mistress )

 

Not sure what would be the best word to describe this but arrogant comes to mind. I am not sure why you feel that your wife “needs” you and that you are all she has got. Show her this post and see how long it takes her to find someone else.

 

I am not sure how you can post what you did and end it by saying something like “doing the right thing”. Hey I recognize that stuff like affairs happen. They are not good nor is there any justification. But to have one for three quarters of your marriage pretty much negates any comment about doing the right thing.

 

I am not sure what you came here looking for my friend. I take it from your post that you didn’t purposely tell your wife about your affair. I hope if you think about your predicament for a half a second you will see that telling your wife exactly how you feel would be a good start and let her make her own decision.

[whichwayisup]

i have been married for 4 years and in an affair for 3 years. When i met my mistress, it was suppose to be a fling but she blew me a away with love. All the attension and respect that i lacked in my marriage was doubled by her. We connect in an extraordinary level. My wife found out about this and kicked me out. I know this sounds crazy but i love these two woman. I sometime think that what i feel for my wife is pity because i am all she got. I still feel responsible for her. Initially she wanted nothing to do with me. Now she is showing signs of wanting me back. In as much as i would want to do the right thing by going back to her, i wouldnt want to trow away a life with my soul mate ( my mistress )

 

You're making a FOOL of your wife. End the marriage and go be with your "soul mate." End of story. Infact, it seems you probably married the wrong woman by the sounds of what you've said.

 

I hate to tell you this, but being in an affair for 3 years out of the 4 years marriage kinda tells you something, doesn't it??? Don't pity your wife, that is very cruel of you. The best thing you can do for HER, is let her go find a man who will love, respect and honour her the way she deserves.

[the one]

My apologies to all that was offended by my post. I thought the idea of this forum was to share and be helped. I didn’t intend to sound arrogant. The message just came out the wrong way. As a matter of fact I am not an arrogant person. Some people's responses were rather hash but I deserve it. My wife is a wonderful woman. We just weren’t meant for each other. You guys might have a billion hash words for my actions but some times in life you don’t have control over who you fall in love with. Life is short and I have leant to hang on to anything that brings happiness because we just never know how long it will last. Let he/she who has not sin cast the first stone.

[JayKay]

I am just curious as to why you stayed with your wife for so long?

 

Do you think the marriage lacked respect and love because your were emotionally absent most of the time?

[Ladyjane14]

Life is short and I have leant to hang on to anything that brings happiness because we just never know how long it will last.

 

When your happiness relies on other people....you might as well spit in the wind. Other people can't make you happy....not in the long run anyway. That kind of "happiness" is fleeting. It's borne of Infatuation.

 

Now, there's a certain amount of Contentment which can be derived from a truly loving relationship where each partner is giving as much as they are receiving. When we're content in our lives, it makes it easier to select "happiness" as a choice. But even then, the "happiness that you feel comes from within.

 

"The happiness that you feel from within" stems mostly from good self-esteem. It's all about being proud of who you are...and how you treat people. It comes from fulfilling your own self-imposed expectations.

 

In order to do that, you have to operate from within the parameters of your own value system. Because when you dishonor it....you can't look at 'the man in the mirror' and have any pride in him.

 

If a monogamous marital relationship is NOT important to your personal value system.....then why marry at all? ....particularly if your spouse does incorporate traditional marriage into HER personal beliefs? And having escaped the marital relationship, which apparently didn't hold any value to you anyway....why contemplate returning to it?

 

The bottom line in ALL of the above posts is that you do your wife NO FAVOR by reconciling with her unless you are certain you have something positive to offer her in a relationship. If you're still hung up on your "mistress" or singularly in pursuit of self gratification, you are actively harming your wife. Eventually, THAT comes home to roost and brings loss of self-esteem to YOU, because you'll feel like 'a bad person' for going around hurting people.

 

 

 

....but some times in life you don’t have control over who you fall in love with.

 

This one always makes laugh.

 

It's got to be in the TOP TEN for the emotionally immature. Honestly, there ought to be 'warning lables'.

You know, that particular statement just translates to read..."I have NO self-control."

 

Anyway, my advice to you is to work on YOU. Don't get side-tracked by all the romantic entanglements in your life. Get your 'personal philosophy' together and then adhere to it. Live within it so that you live honorably. You'll find greater "happiness" when you're content with WHO YOU ARE.

 

 

p.s. It sounded to me like you felt a bit 'picked on'. I assure you, I've been reading here for awhile now, and there's no one posted on your thread with a reputation for wasting their time in "bashing".

 

At the end of the day, the inherent danger of asking strangers what they think is this.... They just might tell you!

[suzie sweet]

Quote "In as much as i would want to do the right thing by going back to her, i wouldnt want to trow away a life with my soul mate ( my mistress )"

 

 

I really found this hard to reply to you but anger got the better of me, Regarding the above quote, You have answered your own question you obviously want to be with your Soul mate/Mistress so why waste the time of decent people on the shack? You want the best of both worlds mate and sympathy from others to ease your conscience, believe me what comes around goes around and in the end you`ll end up lonely without any of them,but yet again you seem quite suited to your mistress as she is also a betrayer she knows your married i dunno maybe she too gets her excitment from destroying a marrage, so my advice leave your wife alone she deserves better. If you do leave your wife alone please do let us know how long you and your mistress lasted cos believe me IT WONT once the thrill is non existent

[TallBrownEyes]

Damn straight, guys..you ask and you get told.

 

This is almost downright awful to read. If the mistress is so great, be with her..release your wife to find someone that will label her HIS soul mate, for it sure looks like she'll never be yours as long as you are committing adultery.

 

I believe that adultery is kept way too silent these days..divorce happens way more than it should, mostly due to adultery. In some countries, you are looked at visciously for it, other countries wish to have you stoned. Why it's become so accepted over here is unreal to me. If states would start looking at the ramifications of those left behind after an affair is found out, they would quickly see the pain and hurt that follows..how a scorned spouse tries to be the spouse they are told they were NOT due to their spouse cheating on them. How can a cheating spouse find fault and blame with their spouse..they are cheating! What kind of crap is that? They need to look in the mirror to see the one at fault.

 

Morals are no longer looked at these days..it's all about what "I" need..what "I" want...I have no sympathy whatsoever for this poster. If you are willing to have a fling with a woman that doesn't seem to give a s*** that she's helping you destroy your marriage...and in my opinion has no morals either...then you 2 deserve one another. Let your wife go.

 

Do you 2 ever feel guilt? Does the OW know your wife..I mean REALLY know her? When you tell her of the 'things' you are lacking in your marriage, is she that gullible she actually believes them? And, is she that dumb she doesn't realize that you'd be saying it about her if you were with her? How odd that a woman who doesn't even know your wife willingly accepts your excuses....very odd.

 

Your wife is not dumb..she KNOWS now that she was NOT getting 100 percent of you..remember that. Therefore, she was NOT giving you 100 percent. And, the reason she wasn't getting 100 percent is because you were/are out there giving out 99 percent to a homewrecker. Do you think women are stupid? We thrive on affection, love, commitment, honesty, faithfulness...we know when it's missing. 3 long years you have given your wife the shaft..how sickening.

 

And, you have the nerve to say you are all she has? Sir, she hasn't 'had' you for quite some time. And, you know it. Wake up and smell the coffee..you are cheating...if you are all she has, that's not saying much.

[Yikes]

"....but some times in life you don’t have control over who you fall in love with."

 

Perhaps, but you DO have control about what you do about it.

 

I have been where your wife is and it ain't fun. My ex did what exactly you are doing. I don't fault her for her feelings, I fault her for what she did about them. It's been nearly three years since my wife and I split and I am STILL angry about the years of my life she stole from me while she was lying and cheating. Those years are gone and I can't get them back.

 

Listen, this isn't difficult. Either you want your wife, or you don't. Grab hold of your giblets man and be honest! You owe your wife that much.

 

Good luck.

[suzie sweet]

hi,if your wife realised she had made a HUGE mistake and you could see the true genuine change in her and she asked you back a year after you`d split what would you do avoid or give 2nd chance ?

[Yikes]

She asked for a second chance. She made all of the right promises, said all of the right things.

 

We went to counselling and I gave her a second chance. (for our kid's sake)

 

She continued her affair, but was just more careful this time. I busted her and pulled the plug... for good.

 

Oh yes, here's the best part - the guy that she was seeing was my best friend. I mean, he was SUPPOSED to be my best friend.

 

Sucks.

 

Y

[suzie sweet]

you will find it hard to trust again will ye? my husband wudnt even give me a 2nd chance think he really preffered the batchelor lifestyle at the end of the day,but what a true man you are for trying again

[Yikes]

you will find it hard to trust again will ye?

 

No one gets close.