TOO big problem!!!!!!

[Jerk]

she is in love with me seriouly. But at the same she loves her husband. She's the kind of person that can love two persons at the same time. Unlike me, i dump my g/f for her. Sometimes i feel guilty. But then I look back, my ex g/f and I are two different kinds. She can be my good friend, but not lover. The married lady, let's call her AA, ir ordinary in other eyes. However, I treasure her a lot. Our values are similar. We notice the same details in the world which others might ignore. I feel relax with me. She's very gently and tender. My ex gf puts too much pressure on me. Even small mistakes are unacceptable for her. She's the " Type A' personality. I don't think i can be the right person her. She needs a smarter and stronger , the characteristic which I can never provide, coz I have the same sex with her. My life is in chaos.

 

- I'm not in a separating state in AA. It has been two weeks. But the most difficult thing for me is that I still see her six days a week coz we work together. I try hard to control my emotion and sex impulse but that is so difficult that I often get myself into great temper and put hard time on AA. I asked AA to ignore me when I am in a bad mood and she said she couldn't ignore me. AA and I still find each other attractive but we are trying to stop the relationship coz we don't want to end up in hating each other. We still want to be the best friend of each other. I am not very cofident in myself in controlling my emtion towards AA

 

- Thirdly, It is not possible for me to quit my job. I've a mortage to pay and my career is the only that I can say it's totally belong to me. It's hard to find another job of the same pay nowadays. AA has similar situation. But she's more lucky than me , her husband can support her living. AA wants to end our relationship coz she start to have emotional problem like depression. She has suicidal tendency. THe major cause of her problem is jealousy. She always think I've not separate with my ex g/f and I'm treating my ex too well. I'm not the kind of person that can be very clear cut in interpersonal relationship. This is the weakness me which AA finds really unaccepatble. But I don't want to change myself. The dilemma is if I can be hard on my ex, i believe my relationship with AA could last much longer . But how can i do that to hurt my ex twice? Can anybody give me advice?

 

AA attracts me in every way, her personality, her tendeerness,her voice, her simle, her laughter, her tears, her smell,her face, her ignorance, her hot temper...

 

I try to control myself. I know we'll both get hurt if we continue the situation. My ex sometimes need me to take care of her and I don't want to give hard feeling to her. I know I am a guy who can mess up my emotional life totally. What should i do now??? I should change my name to Idiot Jerk.

 

Does anyone out there can share their experiences with me??

[midori]

I see some contradictions here. You say:

she is in love with me seriouly. But at the same she loves her husband. She's the kind of person that can love two persons at the same time. Unlike me, i dump my g/f for her. Sometimes i feel guilty. But then I look back, my ex g/f and I are two different kinds. She can be my good friend, but not lover. The married lady, let's call her AA, ir ordinary in other eyes. However, I treasure her a lot. Our values are similar. We notice the same details in the world which others might ignore. I feel relax with me. She's very gently and tender.

Implying that AA is a very kind, understanding person whose love for you is nourishing and supportive. But then you say:

AA wants to end our relationship coz she start to have emotional problem like depression. She has suicidal tendency. THe major cause of her problem is jealousy. She always think I've not separate with my ex g/f and I'm treating my ex too well. I'm not the kind of person that can be very clear cut in interpersonal relationship. This is the weakness me which AA finds really unaccepatble. But I don't want to change myself. The dilemma is if I can be hard on my ex, i believe my relationship with AA could last much longer . But how can i do that to hurt my ex twice? Can anybody give me advice?

Which sounds very controlling and manipulative, not to mention hypocritical and unfair. It's OK for AA to "be in love with two men at the same time" but it's not OK for you to be decent to your ex gf (who, by the way, you dumped for the sake of AA)? Her jealousy should be setting off alarms for you. Is this really about love or is it

 

about control? She has absolutely no right to tell you how you should behave toward your ex. As long as she is still with her husband you & she are not in an exclusive relationship, so I don't see how you justify her demands. You say that your ex gf never tolerated any little mistakes, but what about this woman? It sounds like she's playing some serious mind games with you.

AA attracts me in every way, her personality, her tendeerness,her voice, her simle, her laughter, her tears, her smell,her face, her ignorance, her hot temper... I try to control myself. I know we'll both get hurt if we continue the situation. My ex sometimes need me to take care of her and I don't want to give hard feeling to her. I know I am a guy who can mess up my emotional life totally. What should i do now??? I should change my name to Idiot Jerk.

Well, you're stuck in it aren't you? Whether AA's love for you is real or just an illusion you're going to have to figure out a way to deal with your feelings for her. Because I think even you know that she's not going to leave her husband for you. You say that you can't leave your job, but you can't ignore her either. It does seem like you're going to have to do one or the other. Married co-workers are usually not the best people to fall in love with, as your story illustrates all too well.

 

As for your ex, I don't know if you told her the real reason why you broke up with her -- your (perhaps deluded) love for a married woman -- but you're not doing her any favors by keeping one foot inside her world. Don't lead your ex on by providing emotional/ other kinds of support like you did when you were her bf, it will only confuse her. You don't need to be cruel, of course, and you shouldn't. But she needs to find other sources of love and support -- her ex bf can no longer provide those things. It's the hard part of breaking up with someone and it might make you feel like a jerk but that's just the way it goes. You have to live with it.

[Jerk]

Thanks for your comments. I know AA is overly demanding on our relationship. But love is blind and I don't want her to unhappy even though this might hurt my ex. I know I'm selfish and I'm stupid. That's why i fell guilty from time to time.

 

I think i'm seeking for something which is impossible.

 

 

 

 

 

I see some contradictions here. You say:

 

Implying that AA is a very kind, understanding person whose love for you is nourishing and supportive. But then you say: Which sounds very controlling and manipulative, not to mention hypocritical and unfair. It's OK for AA to "be in love with two men at the same time" but it's not OK for you to be decent to your ex gf (who, by the way, you dumped for the sake of AA)? Her jealousy should be setting off alarms for you. Is this really about love or is it about control? She has absolutely no right to tell you how you should behave toward your ex. As long as she is still with her husband you & she are not in an exclusive relationship, so I don't see how you justify her demands. You say that your ex gf never tolerated any little mistakes, but what about this woman? It sounds like she's playing some serious mind games with you. Well, you're stuck in it aren't you? Whether AA's love for you is real or just an illusion you're going to have to figure out a way to deal with your feelings for her. Because I think even you know that she's not going to leave her husband for you. You say that you can't leave your job, but you can't ignore her either. It does seem like you're going to have to do one or the other. Married co-workers are usually not the best people to fall in love with, as your story illustrates all too well. As for your ex, I don't know if you told her the real reason why you broke up with her -- your (perhaps deluded) love for a married woman -- but you're not doing her any favors by keeping one foot inside her world. Don't lead your ex on by providing emotional/ other kinds of support like you did when you were her bf, it will only confuse her. You don't need to be cruel, of course, and you shouldn't. But she needs to find other sources of love and support -- her ex bf can no longer provide those things. It's the hard part of breaking up with someone and it might make you feel like a jerk but that's just the way it goes. You have to live with it.