I don't know !

[renee_1977]

This is my first time posting here but I have lurked for a while. Sorry for the long post! My husband of 6 years moved out recently. I basically asked him to go, as I am not sure what how I feel and am looking for support and don't know where else to turn.

 

We met when I was 20 and he was 28. I had a three y/o son at the time and my H was what I thought I needed - he was educated and "seemed" responsible and I really wanted to settle down and do what was best for my son. I had made bad decisions to that point and wanted so much to provide a nuclear family for him. My H seemed like a good choice at the time. I know now I am co-dependant - he had issues, but I thought I could "fix" them by loving him enough. He had some redeeming qualities and as I said, at the time I really wanted to provide the best possible life for my son and that was what drove me despite all of the "warning" signs along the way.

 

We rushed into a marriage that I spent all my time planning, although throughout I could "feel" something was not quite right. I suspected he was cheating with a co-worker. I remember getting ready to walk down the aisle, flowers in hand, looking at the alter and thinking to myself that this was what I wanted, here I was, I was going through this and would deal with the consequences later. I remember wondering if he was thinking about her during our honeymoon. I was a wreck - the wedding was over and our life was starting at what was supposed to be the happiest time of our lives and I "knew" he was cheating. I constantly checked everything I could to find out the truth. I confronted him, pleaded for the truth, we went to counseling, and all the while he denied it, saying I was crazy and was simply trying to control every aspect of his life. He even insisted we send her a Christmas card b/c "they were friends and there was no reason for me to feel threatened". About 9 months into our marriage I discovered the truth with undeniable evidence. I confronted him and threw him out. I felt like our whole marriage was a lie.

 

My family is deeply religious and insisted I try counseling. I have issues with my father (my H is just like him, but that is another topic) and he made me feel guilty for considering divorce w/o "giving it a real chance". So we went to Christian counselor. This guy was very nice but basically said I made the vows and it was un-Christianlike to not forgive him and move on. During this time I found out I was pregnant. At that point I let him move back in. About a month later, I lost the baby. I was devastated and inside I blamed my H for the loss.

 

From that point on, the focus for us was on having a baby and moving on with our lives. It's funny how when you seemingly can't have something, it makes you want it more. I felt like I had forgiven him. He had accepted all of my ultimatums including getting a new job, so I knew he no longer had contact with the OW. About a year later, we conceived a baby girl. That was a high point in our relationship. He also adopted my son, so we felt like a whole family.

 

Things were running smoothly until two years ago. I thought we were okay. It is hard for me to write about this and I am expecting to be bashed for this, but a couple within our close circle of friends was divorcing - suddenly. She left him after 15 years for a much younger man. She was really made out to be a monster and her stbxh was great at being the victim. What struck me about him was how everyone knew how much he loved his wife. He idolized her. I was never made to feel like my husband loved me. Anyway, I was comforting our friend and it spiraled into an emotional affair that got physical one time and lasted about 3 months.

 

During this time, I questioned how this could have happened over and over. I became introspective and learned a lot about who I am and how I had gotten to this point in my life. I realized I had never felt loved from my husband and that I was a perpetual disappointment to him. I also realized why I chose him. He was constantly criticizing me and was rarely affectionate. Somewhere deep inside, I had felt all along that this was what I deserved. I realized this all was very wrong and kept pushing my H away as well as the OM. It was a constant state of flux that I would never want to be in again.

 

I stopped talking to the OM and came clean to my H the day after our five-year anniversary. I was wrought with guilt and coming clean was the only way I saw for us to move forward with a foundation of trust. We immediately enrolled in marital counseling.

 

Through all of the counseling and the introspection I began to build self-confidence and know I am well on my way to healing - myself. I received a super promotion that required a move and my H and I really tried to start a new life together. He started his own business and seems very happy with it. I am the breadwinner and I think he and I both had/have issues with that because I am the one shouldering the majority of the financial responsibility while he tries to make a go of it.

 

My job is going great, but inside I am preparing and realizing I don't want to be married anymore. We fight constantly and he remains fairly critical and extremely insecure - understandable after what happened, but my life is an open book and he knows nothing is going on. I don't think our relationship is or ever has been healthy. I would even go so far as to say it was built on lies, but only when I am angry. Anyway, he moved out the other day. He is really hurting and I am too, even though there is a sense of relief to him being gone.

 

I am sad for our children. They are beautiful and don't deserve this. I am scared for our future. I am lucky I am financially stable, but the prospect of single motherhood is scary. I really feel like they will be better off if we stick to being good parents, even if we were horrible at being husband and wife. My H still thinks we will get back together. I have agreed to counseling but mainly because I want to ease him into the idea of divorce and to focus on being good parents to our children. I don't intend to be spiteful and want them to have as much stability through all of this as possible and am very committed to a joint custody arrangement.

 

I guess I am venting more than anything else. Writing about all of this is therapeutic.:-) I don't have any close friends nearby in this strange city, so I guess I could use some words of encouragement. Thanks to anyone who read this far and may offer some insight!