KittenMoon Posted March 20, 2006 Share Posted March 20, 2006 It's had been about a month since my ex broke up with me (actually forced me to break up with him) and things were not getting better so I finally called him and asked him to come over to talk. I know, I know, NC is supposed to be the way to go, but I have been dealing with severe anxiety and sadness for too long and I needed to get some clarity on some things that were said and to say some things I didn't get a chance to. He agreed without a fight, but I know he really didn't want to come over. He came over the morning after I spoke to him. He hated coming over, he said he was not ready to see me, which is true because he didn't even want to look at me. So I talked to him for about an hour- didn't ask him questions, didn't back him into a corner about anything, never just spoke to him about some stuff. Apologized for a few things. I've never asked him to come back, just to think hard about things. The main crux of our problems had been diminished communication. This stemmed a lot from the fact that he wanted to marry me for years, I didn't want to get married, and I think he finally started to lose feelings because he thought I was unwilling to change. He said "you were unwilling to change." "Well", I said, "So were you." But I've realized since the break up that I really do want to get married and settle with someone someday, just not now. He's the one I want, but it wasn't working, mainly because we had never seriously dated anyone else. But I told him this, and I know it had an impact on him. But he let me know he's "not coming back". I know he's made a decision, and he'll keep it out of stubborness if nothing else. But at the same time, during the break up, he expressed the fact that there was still a chance for us in the future. I told him yesterday that I needed to know, absolutely, whether that was said out of guilt or if he really meant it. He said he absolutely meant it, but it couldn't possibly happened for a long time. So now I know there's a chance, and now I have to stop believing that in order to move on. If it's meant to happen, it will happen, but I can't count on it. It's out of my hands at this point. I know he still cares and I think he's having a hard time dealing with that. But I'm so angry and so jealous that he's having a much easier time with this. He was like "you need to get over this". Does he really expect me to get over a six and a half year relationship in a month?! But I know he's resorting to anger and apathy to avoid other feelings. I know he's compartmentalizing and not letting himself feel. He's completely stopped hanging out or communicating with our mutual friends, who we saw 2-3 times a week for years, and is only hanging with some new friends he barely knows. In short, he's doing whatever he can to avoid reminders of me, so I know he still cares. But I can't do that. I gotta do this the hard way. I'd like so much to be able to bury it like he can. I keep telling myself I'll eventually get over this. I miss him more than anything, but I feel a little more closure now. The pain is a different sort of pain than it was before. I keep telling myself there were plenty of time recently when I almost broke up with him, but I just wasn't ready for this I guess. But can you ever be? I miss him so much. He's part of nearly ever happy memory in my life. I know this is not the end, there was enough mutual respect and affection that I know some day we'll be friends again at least, but it hurts so much. Right now I feel like I'll never get over him and part of me probably never will. But everthing just keeps on going, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted March 20, 2006 Author Share Posted March 20, 2006 Crud- I put this in the wrong forum! Link to post Share on other sites
tikigods Posted March 20, 2006 Share Posted March 20, 2006 best thing to do is just keep going day by day you can do it! Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted March 20, 2006 Share Posted March 20, 2006 Live your own life. Fill your own life with many fun things and friends. Don't focus on if he is going to change his mind or not because the longer you fret over that, the less chance it will happen. Good luck KM! Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted March 20, 2006 Author Share Posted March 20, 2006 That's what I keep telling myself. I gave him a lot to think about. He now knows that if he wants to give it a second chance, he can, and with the intention of getting the commitment he wants. I know that he knows that, and that makes it easier on me, because I know now I can go out and live my life, and he can live his, and if its meant to be then we'll have both gotten to live our seperate lives before settling, which is what we've said in the past was a distinct, and in fact unavoidable, situation. I know in my heart this has gotta happen, but I'd have never been able to move on if I didn't let him know this has already changed me. I've always believed in a certain concept of fate and destiny and connection. So I gotta put my faith in that now, that things (whether it includes him or not) will work out. So thusly I move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 I've always believed in a certain concept of fate and destiny and connection. So I gotta put my faith in that now, that things (whether it includes him or not) will work out. So thusly I move forward. All things will work out over time. Either with your ex or more likely, someone else. Too often we fret over love lost instead of looking forward to the next chapter in our lives. All living in the past does is keep regret around and doesn't let us focus on our future. What's done is done. We can't change the past, only learn from it to prevent the same mistakes in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted March 21, 2006 Author Share Posted March 21, 2006 So miserable- last night I took all the sentimental gifts and all my pictures of him, or us, or from our trips together and put them in a box and put that box in a closet I hardly ever go in. I cried so hard the entire time, to see all the pictures of him smiling at me with deep love. I packed away the candles he made me, the first gift he ever gave me. I packed away the beautiful silver necklace he made me years ago in jewelry class, something I loved more than anything. I packed away the artisan necklace he got me in Vermont on Christmas, and the matching earrings he got the next year. I packed away my journal from my freshman year of college that was just pages of memories about us. I packed away the things he wrote me and the pictures he drew me. I packed away the blank journal on which he painted the cover and inside cover and wrote me a beautiful passage about how our paths in life converged. I know there's nothing I can do to get him back at this point, and that we shouldn't get back together, not now anyways. But I'm tired and sad and I shake all the time and I can't eat and I dream about him at night. I'm prone to anxiety, and it's like I'm on week six of a nervous breakdown. I feel like I screwed us up royally, and like I ruined a unique person by being with them. He used to seem so special and unique when I met him, totally unlike other people and not caring at all that he wasn't, and now he seems driven by all the shallow, meaningless things normal people are. I'm in a stage of blaming myself for everything. At the same time, I know he's a total fool if he thinks he can find anyone in this world better than me. I'm pretty, very intelligent, intensely caring and loyal, and I can do everything from watching action movies to decorating a house to beating anyone on James Bond trivia between rounds of Nintendo games while cooking a 5 course meal for 10 and talking about current events and the arts. I even dig porn and beer. I personally think that even though I am not perfect, I am the perfect girlfriend. Good luck to him ever finding anyone else like me. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 Damn. I'll marry you, KM The pain eventually goes away, just give it some time. Do spend time with friends, go to the gym, invest in hobbies and keep your life rich and full with things you love. If you do, you can't help but be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted March 21, 2006 Author Share Posted March 21, 2006 It's been a little easier the past couple days knowing he still values the time and emotions we had for so long enough that he thinks we could have another chance someday. I would feel very disrespected if he was just writing us off entirely, because no tangible problem tanked the relationship. But I keep telling myself "he's gone forever." I don't know how else to deal with it. I just wish upon him all the pain I'm feeling. I hope he thinks of me whenever he goes anywhere we've been, like I've been doing. I hate the fact he's seen me so upset- he seems to actually fear extreme emotions. When I called him over this past weekend, I asked him if he had read the letters I sent. He said "part of them". I asked him to read them all, because they related closely to what I needed to say to him, and I asked why he hadn't done so. He said "it's too painful and I get angry". I said "you need to face the pain" and he SNAPPED back "no I don't!". I don't understand how he thinks he'll get over me if he can't face the pain of this. I'm hitting it head on I suppose, trying to burn through it as fast as possible, but I guess that's just my way. I practiced some slightly meaningful eye contact with a kinda cute guy at this seminar luncheon I went to today- baby steps. I'm OBVIOUSLY not hunting, just practicing, I'm terrible at flirting so I figure if I start with tiny meaningless stuff now, I'll be able to actually make some contact when I'm ready. The situation feels numb right now- scarily, that's the only relief I ever get lately. Link to post Share on other sites
destination_unknown Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 Hey km, you are having it rough right now ive been following your posts, hugs. i know how bloomin frustrating they can be when you KNOW they are denying all the mushy stuff that they feel, but they have to deal with it as best as they can too. i have a feeling that its affecting him alot more than hes showing - thats why he isnt seeing your mutual friends. maybe its a guy thing, but alot of the time i think they go through a numb period where they totally go on with day-to-day stuff pretending they dont feel anything, but whatever he feels WILL come up to the surface either piece by piece as and when hes able to deal with it emotionally or all at once someday when hes just not expecting it. even though it seems unfair that he *seems* to be unaffected, its not in reality about what is fair or just, its just about people surviving whatever way they can. (really though i do think there should be a court of love!) glad your feeling a little better that you got some stuff cleared up with him, but do take CG's advice and concentrate on getting YOU up and running with optimism for your own happiness, with or without him. six years is along time, but you got alot longer than that to live so might as well try to make it as happy as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted March 21, 2006 Author Share Posted March 21, 2006 I hope it comes back to him. THATS exactly what he needs- above all his problems he has very little empathy. He refuses to acknowledge what others feel when he hurts them. He focuses on other people's problems (he's a protector type) so he doesn't have to deal with his own. I wish him so much pain, but only because I feel like that's the only way he'll ever end up growing as a person. Is that weird? Link to post Share on other sites
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