Jen Posted September 15, 2001 Share Posted September 15, 2001 There is a guy that I have wanted to go out with for the last couple of months. We have an incredible amount of chemistry together, however, he revealed that he JUST started seeing someone about 1.5 hours away from where we live for the last couple of months. He knows how I feel about him (that I'm completely attracted) but I did e-mail him being honest in that I didn't want to get too involved knowing his thoughts might be elsewhere. I didn't want to play games with this guy because I do like him and want to get to know him better without the physical intimacy coming first...so I also said that it would be best to hold off on that as well...(Plus the fact that I feel guilty since he IS seeing someone else and I've been in her shoes.) Was that too straightforward??? It isn't that I don't want to hang out with him, it is just that I don't want to end up having a physical relationship right off the bat. I hope I hadn't scared him off. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted September 16, 2001 Share Posted September 16, 2001 I think you were quite presumptuous. You actually emailed this guy and told him you didn't want to go to bed with him so quickly...and he hasn't even made a move on you??? He's got a girlfriend to boot!!! If you didn't want to play games with this guy, you should have just NOT PlAYED GAMES!!! You didn't have to go into a lot of hyprothetical crap that hasn't even happened yet. Not only were you way too straightforward but you were way out of line on this one. A person who would write an email like this, in my opinion, is not old enough to be sleeping with other people anyway. How old are you??? When you're dealing with situations, deal with what's at hand...not what you're imagining in your head. I also think you should communicate stuff like this in person and not in email. By the way, I don't think you and I should EVER go to bed...you're not my type. Just thought I should get that out in the open in advance so you don't get any ideas. Link to post Share on other sites
Jen Posted September 16, 2001 Share Posted September 16, 2001 Actually I was not being presumptuous because everytime I was with him he WOULD try to go as far physically with me as he could. Of course, I would remove his hand or say something and he'd respect that distance. It is funny because when we had a chance meeting, he DID introduce me to her and at the time, he qualified her as "Just Friends," but when we finally got together by ourselves (a couple of weeks later), while I was explaining my situation about seeing another guy, he revealed that they had in fact just started dating. We went out a couple of times and each time, he's tried to be more physically intimate. I did set the limits and even asked him if he felt guilty (in person!) while knowing he was seeing her. (she lives 1.5 hours away) Basically I told him I didn't want the fact if we got physical to cloud his judgment on dating either of us. But I also empathized with his ambivalence towards relationships. However, I do not want to allow him to have his cake and eat it too... But I agree that I probably shouldn't have sent what I did on e-mail. Thanks. Jen Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted September 16, 2001 Share Posted September 16, 2001 In the light of this new information, just don't worry about it. You need to take all this very slowly and think clearly. Link to post Share on other sites
BeenThere Posted September 17, 2001 Share Posted September 17, 2001 I think you are handling things just fine. At least you are taking the time to think things through clearly before doing something you might regret later. You also mentioned his "ambivalence towards relationships" which is something that you should take careful note of IF this other woman is someone he is involved in an EXCLUSIVE relationship with by mutual agreement. Without integrity and honesty, guys...AND GALS...who lack these virtues don't make very good friends, let alone partners! I would also like to point out that you made mention of "explaining my situation about seeing another guy." Does this mean you are also involved with someone who isn't aware you are stepping out? The key is to define the lines of a relationship in regards to what is comfortable and acceptable for you. (and this will vary greatly from person to person). For instance, I personally have no trouble dating more than one man at a time, nor am I offended if a man I am seeing spends time with other women as long as BOTH of us are honest about our intentions. I further drawl the line when it comes to having sex with men who I am not involved in an *exclusive*, committed relationship with. I reserve that part of intimacy for someone I am in love with, not infactuated with. Although there had been one or two early exceptions to my "rules" I was completely aware of where the relationship stood and didn't expect things to change just because of the encounter. The key is to know where your boundries are, and to communicate them openly to anyone who you find yourself becoming envolved with. This way, no one feels "fooled" or betrayed later on. And let them know exactly what *you* expect from a relationship (as you did) so there are no questions about what *your* intentions are. You're doing just fine. Don't second guess your intuitiveness. Caution is always best. Go slow and keep your wits about you, and never feel guilty about being straight forward. Honesty is a great strength...people just aren't use to it! Actually I was not being presumptuous because everytime I was with him he WOULD try to go as far physically with me as he could. Of course, I would remove his hand or say something and he'd respect that distance. It is funny because when we had a chance meeting, he DID introduce me to her and at the time, he qualified her as "Just Friends," but when we finally got together by ourselves (a couple of weeks later), while I was explaining my situation about seeing another guy, he revealed that they had in fact just started dating. We went out a couple of times and each time, he's tried to be more physically intimate. I did set the limits and even asked him if he felt guilty (in person!) while knowing he was seeing her. (she lives 1.5 hours away) Basically I told him I didn't want the fact if we got physical to cloud his judgment on dating either of us. But I also empathized with his ambivalence towards relationships. However, I do not want to allow him to have his cake and eat it too... But I agree that I probably shouldn't have sent what I did on e-mail. Thanks. Jen Link to post Share on other sites
Jen Posted September 19, 2001 Share Posted September 19, 2001 BeenThere, Thanks for your insight...I wonder if you'll see this reply because it is soooo far down the string... I would also like to point out that you made mention of "explaining my situation about seeing another guy." Does this mean you are also involved with someone who isn't aware you are stepping out? When I was explaining my situation to S, I was very honest and said that I wasn't serious. I decided after spending some time with S that the relationship with D wasn't evolving, so I broke things off. I also informed S of this. But he still is involved with L and so I told him straight off the bat that I basically would not fool around with him while he was seeing someone else. I don't mind dating multiple people as well, but I am definitely not going to get involved physically. I totally agree with the rest of what you said...thank you very much for another point of view. Link to post Share on other sites
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