I NEED YOUR RESPONSES!!!!

[James Smith 26]

I have been dating this girl for about 2 years. We have had sex a few times, but only for a few seconds, she starts crying and saying she want to wait until we are married. I am fine with this so I stop. We have not had sex in over a year. And I do not mind waiting until we are married, that is not the issue. She does enjoy me giving her oral sex about once a week or every other week, but will not and swears will never do it to me. Problem is I am very sexual. And for 2 years I have been getting nothing sexually out of the relationship. Which is no problem, I can wait. The problem is that I want to make love at least once a day or more when we are married, but I know that she is not this sexual. I forsee maybe once a week at most, maybe less. I love everything about her but her sexual or lack of urges. Do you think her sex drive will increase to the level of mine or am I hanging on and hoping. I just am not sure she will want to make love as often as I want to and I am scared that it will cause serious problem in our marriage. I know for a fact that I cannot only make love once a week (after marriage)!!! Are we doomed? I have tried to talk, but she just gets all upset. What is your opinions? Should I just end it and move on to someone whose sex drive is equal or close to mine, or do you think hers will increase by 10 fold after marriage.....I NEED HELP!!!

[T.T.]

Ihave the same problem, but I'm the woman in the relationship. My views (thought out at some length in moments of acute disappointment and through a gutting sense of rejection) follow - hopefully they'll at least give you some solidarity.

 

You can never know what in someone's history has inhibited them .I assume you've tried asking. Upbringing is everything and most people our age have totally hung up parents reared in the 50's poor things, it's a wonder anyone our age has a healthy attitude.

 

I suspect that to some people, m or f, sex doesn't feel romantic - the movies have a lot to answer for.

 

Crucially, some people, m or f, withold sex in order to exert power in the relationship , to be able to tell themselves that although the partner is passionate about them, they can take it or leave it . Obviously this is about commitment and risk. Careful they don't get a perverse kick out of frustrating you - it's a way for them to receive proof of your feelings without risking their own.And, for someone who believes in marriage, a way to test your feelings prior to the event (if he really loves me he'll wait....)

 

What i find saddest is that sex should be a giving of the self - it's very hurtful when yr partner holds back all the time, the r'ship suffers from poor bonding and the prognosis is not really very good.

 

I'd not get married without going for couple therapy NOW.This is not good for yr morale. With endless kindness and patience she may learn and gain confidence, I know it's hard to understand how someone can be unwilling to share in something so simple and loving, I'm afraid they are the ones missing out and if you love them it will be a gift to them to gently open out this area of their humanity. Also, as I know from my dear dear b/f, when they do thaw and begin to share themselves it's a very moving thing as you will know what a gift you are receiving - their trust really.

[Wondering Wanda]

I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings but some things to consider... I married a guy that was not the most "sexually charged" person I'd ever met.... I was 28, he was 33 when we married. We've been married 18 years and have probably had sex less than 20 times in all those years. Right now our marriage is on the rocks - I finally woke up and realized that this situation could not and should not continue. Unfortunately, for both of us, I am no longer interested in sex with my husband and the idea of it actually turns me off. So I would think long and hard about marrying someone who sex drive does not even come close to your own. Time always changes people and in your case, if you were to marry, you may discover more sexual compatibility but I, personally, made a mistake - thinking things would get better instead of worse. I also made a mistake thinking I could live without it in my marriage. It is not the end all be all of a marital relationship but it is and should be vital part of one....

[Jim]

Hi james,

 

I agree with Wandering Wanda, if she is not inclined to

 

want and need it now, she is not going to change. You both

 

must be compatiable in that area or you are domed to failure. Sex is essential in a relationship, i don't care what anyone says. I have been married 25 years and the

 

sex and desire on my wife's part has disappeared, but not

 

on my side. So think long and hard before marrying..

 

Listen to Wandering Wanda.

 

Jim

I have been dating this girl for about 2 years. We have had sex a few times, but only for a few seconds, she starts crying and saying she want to wait until we are married. I am fine with this so I stop. We have not had sex in over a year. And I do not mind waiting until we are married, that is not the issue. She does enjoy me giving her oral sex about once a week or every other week, but will not and swears will never do it to me. Problem is I am very sexual. And for 2 years I have been getting nothing sexually out of the relationship. Which is no problem, I can wait. The problem is that I want to make love at least once a day or more when we are married, but I know that she is not this sexual. I forsee maybe once a week at most, maybe less. I love everything about her but her sexual or lack of urges. Do you think her sex drive will increase to the level of mine or am I hanging on and hoping. I just am not sure she will want to make love as often as I want to and I am scared that it will cause serious problem in our marriage. I know for a fact that I cannot only make love once a week (after marriage)!!! Are we doomed? I have tried to talk, but she just gets all upset. What is your opinions? Should I just end it and move on to someone whose sex drive is equal or close to mine, or do you think hers will increase by 10 fold after marriage.....I NEED HELP!!!