New girlfriend is pissin me off

[Mostly Nice Guy]

Sorry for the length of this, but I think background is important. My girlfriend is 22, I'm 33. She has always dated older men. She has always been loved by all her male figures in her life, such as stepfather, father, brother etc. She has had some boyfriends in the past that have cheated. She is marriage minded. She says the most important value in a man to her is honesty and faithfulness. She is very pretty but is somewhat self conscious about her body.

 

We have been going out for one month (we knew each other for about a year though about 3 years ago, but didn't go out). She returns all calls promptly. She calls me as much as I call her. She tells her father about me and says how nice I am. Her mother likes me and says how nice I am. I just treat her good, pay attention to her, tell her how attracted I am to her, gave her flowers and baked her a cake on her birthday. She has orgasms when we have sex. She now feels very comfortable around me. Enough to walk around in her PJ's, not worry about what or how she eats in front of me, etc. We have spent almost every other day with each other except for a week when she was out of town visiting her father, but she did call me everyday.

 

Then she pissed me off a little. First, she is a little self centered. Now she feels so comfortable that she just becomes somewhat adversarial in our conversations. Minor example: In the beginning she was like "I like sharing everything", Now its like "get your own fries because I don't want you eating mine" and "hurry!" and stuff like that. At which time I showed her I can't be pushed around and when I get firm or snotty back, it seems to make things worse. Then she'll ask me why I'm being moody. But I'm not going to let her walk all over me either. I already know that 100% nice guys don't get the girl. From the women I've talked to, they like nice guys with an edge. When this first happened I tried the communication approach but it seems she is not a good receiver or communicator and it turns adversarial. Finally, on a night I thought we were going to be together, she says she is going out with her friend. Finally, my sex drive is higher than once per week.

 

Question is: What is the best way to handle this. Bludgeon her with kindness and continue to be nice...perhaps this is what she really craves? Or start becoming colder (which is what I am doing and I don't want to have a relationship that way) which makes some women want you more, i.e not return her calls right away, cancel a date, start making her wonder? She already says she wants to see me exclusively, but I don't like the way she is behaving. Yes, she is young and maybe I can wait it out and she will mature some more. But 90% of the time we have alot of laughs and enjoy each other. And most of the time the tension is on the phone, then when I see her, she acts nicer. But I feel that this is way too early to be dealing with this bull****. Anyone want to help? Thanks!

[A guy falling in love]

Sorry for the length of this, but I think background is important. My girlfriend is 22, I'm 33. She has always dated older men. She has always been loved by all her male figures in her life, such as stepfather, father, brother etc. She has had some boyfriends in the past that have cheated. She is marriage minded. She says the most important value in a man to her is honesty and faithfulness. She is very pretty but is somewhat self conscious about her body. We have been going out for one month (we knew each other for about a year though about 3 years ago, but didn't go out). She returns all calls promptly. She calls me as much as I call her. She tells her father about me and says how nice I am. Her mother likes me and says how nice I am. I just treat her good, pay attention to her, tell her how attracted I am to her, gave her flowers and baked her a cake on her birthday. She has orgasms when we have sex. She now feels very comfortable around me. Enough to walk around in her PJ's, not worry about what or how she eats in front of me, etc. We have spent almost every other day with each other except for a week when she was out of town visiting her father, but she did call me everyday. Then she pissed me off a little. First, she is a little self centered. Now she feels so comfortable that she just becomes somewhat adversarial in our conversations. Minor example: In the beginning she was like "I like sharing everything", Now its like "get your own fries because I don't want you eating mine" and "hurry!" and stuff like that. At which time I showed her I can't be pushed around and when I get firm or snotty back, it seems to make things worse. Then she'll ask me why I'm being moody. But I'm not going to let her walk all over me either. I already know that 100% nice guys don't get the girl. From the women I've talked to, they like nice guys with an edge. When this first happened I tried the communication approach but it seems she is not a good receiver or communicator and it turns adversarial. Finally, on a night I thought we were going to be together, she says she is going out with her friend. Finally, my sex drive is higher than once per week. Question is: What is the best way to handle this. Bludgeon her with kindness and continue to be nice...perhaps this is what she really craves? Or start becoming colder (which is what I am doing and I don't want to have a relationship that way) which makes some women want you more, i.e not return her calls right away, cancel a date, start making her wonder? She already says she wants to see me exclusively, but I don't like the way she is behaving. Yes, she is young and maybe I can wait it out and she will mature some more. But 90% of the time we have alot of laughs and enjoy each other. And most of the time the tension is on the phone, then when I see her, she acts nicer. But I feel that this is way too early to be dealing with this bull****. Anyone want to help? Thanks!

[midori]

From what you said she sounds a little spoiled, quite insecure, and also immature. Maybe those things are OK with you ... but it sounds like they're not.

 

Sharing french fries is such a little thing, sounds like she's lacking in basic generosity. From your description you're dating a girl who is accustomed to being indulged by her male relatives, someone who is used to asserting herself with the people she cares about, putting her needs/wishes over theirs. So while her aggressiveness & selfishness don't necessarily mean she doesn't care about you, they are probably so ingrained in her that it would take a lot of work to get her to see that there are other, more harmonious ways of interacting with loved ones. Is she up for that kind of work? Are you?

 

It doesn't sound like unyielding kindness is going to work for you since a) you're clearly already resentful and b) you've started to pair the concept with words like "bludgeon" which is not at all kind or gentle. Kindness with this girl might not be the best route anyway, not if you want to get her to change her tune. She sounds like she'd walk all over kindness.

 

I don't know but it doesn't sound like you've got the makings of a happy, lasting relationship. You've started becoming colder and you don't like that (neither would I). How much further will things need to deteriorate before you've had enough?

 

People don't change overnight -- if they change at all. The demise of her relationship with you might serve as a wake-up call to this girl. She sounds like she's got a lot of growing up to do. Maybe she'll get an inkling that she can't expect her boyfriend to be happy treating her like a spoiled little sister -- the role she seems to be most comfortable in. I wouldn't count on that notion taking hold and creating real change in her for years though. Do you really want to wait around for that to happen (if it ever does)?

But I feel that this is way too early to be dealing with this bull****.

I agree 100%.

[Laurynn]

Hi there...

 

First of all, I think a lot of the problem in your situation is the age difference.....well, not even so much the age difference, but the fact that she's still quite immature. I think you're both on different wavelengths....intellectually, emotionally, relationship-wise, life experience-wise, etc.

 

For a lot of people, it takes more than 22 yrs of life to learn that the world just doesn't revolve around you. If she's always been treated so well by the male figures in her life (and she should be, of course), I sense that maybe she's just been extremely spoiled....and now that the 'novelty' of your relationship is beginning to wear off, and her true colors are emerging, you're going to see that she's a young, spoiled, demanding, selfish little princess-wannabe.

 

A lot of it could have to do with the fact that she hasn't had many experiences with relationships in the past....and she just doesn't KNOW how to behave within a relationship. These are things that a person learns as they get older, with more and more experience with people/being in relationships.

 

And you're right....if you find that after such a short time (one month) that she's already acting like a cow, chances are, things aren't going to get better. She may have been sweet and nice and giving in the very beginning, but now you're seeing the 'real deal'......and these traits of hers are deeply engrained, from birth, from the way she was raised. These things aren't going to change overnight, if at all.

 

At this age, despite what she might say, she's no where ready for a serious relationship, or one where marriage is the long term goal. At 22, she's still finding her way in life.....she's still going to be largely influenced by friends......she's not mature enough (and I don't mean this rudely) to know what she wants...she's still learning.

 

You'd be much better off finding a woman who's more your age.....who knows who she is.....who has some experience with relationships....who knows that the world doesn't revolve around her.

 

L

[Mostly Nice Guy]

OK. Lets assume that is true and I realize that, yet I want to give it a chance (perhaps for some of my own selfish reasons as well. Further, we do have good times 95% of the time when we are together). What is the best approach? I'm really trying to get a feel for what makes women do what they do.

 

From what you said she sounds a little spoiled, quite insecure, and also immature. Maybe those things are OK with you ... but it sounds like they're not. Sharing french fries is such a little thing, sounds like she's lacking in basic generosity. From your description you're dating a girl who is accustomed to being indulged by her male relatives, someone who is used to asserting herself with the people she cares about, putting her needs/wishes over theirs. So while her aggressiveness & selfishness don't necessarily mean she doesn't care about you, they are probably so ingrained in her that it would take a lot of work to get her to see that there are other, more harmonious ways of interacting with loved ones. Is she up for that kind of work? Are you? It doesn't sound like unyielding kindness is going to work for you since a) you're clearly already resentful and b) you've started to pair the concept with words like "bludgeon" which is not at all kind or gentle. Kindness with this girl might not be the best route anyway, not if you want to get her to change her tune. She sounds like she'd walk all over kindness.

 

I don't know but it doesn't sound like you've got the makings of a happy, lasting relationship. You've started becoming colder and you don't like that (neither would I). How much further will things need to deteriorate before you've had enough?

 

People don't change overnight -- if they change at all. The demise of her relationship with you might serve as a wake-up call to this girl. She sounds like she's got a lot of growing up to do. Maybe she'll get an inkling that she can't expect her boyfriend to be happy treating her like a spoiled little sister -- the role she seems to be most comfortable in. I wouldn't count on that notion taking hold and creating real change in her for years though. Do you really want to wait around for that to happen (if it ever does)?

 

I agree 100%.

[midori]

OK. Lets assume that is true and I realize that, yet I want to give it a chance (perhaps for some of my own selfish reasons as well. Further, we do have good times 95% of the time when we are together). What is the best approach? I'm really trying to get a feel for what makes women do what they do.

Well I'm not sure now exactly what you're asking. I got the impression that you didn't like how she is behaving -- and if you do assume what I wrote earlier to be true, then her behavior is not going to change. If she is a spoiled, insecure, immature girl, the only way she feels accepted and loved by people, specifically men perhaps, is when they indulge her and allow her to behave like a spoiled brat. At this point she probably can't handle someone who challenges that.

 

So if your selfish reasons (sex? can't imagine what else would make it worthwhile) encourage you to stay, brace yourself for a demanding, spoiled girlfriend who is convinced that the world revolves around her needs and who believes that anyone who fails to follow through for her as she expects is not treating her well. Do what she wants, be what she expects you to be -- adoring, indulgent, whatever.

 

That's not what intelligent, confident, women want, and it's probably not going to get you a real and lasting love (how could you ever respect this silly girl?). But if you're determined to make a go of it, buy her some flowers, paste a smile on your face and bow down to the towering altar of her fragile ego.