salmagundi Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 wow, who would've thought I'd be back here talking about her... Anyway, some of you will remember my thread from december/january about my long, torturous, ambiguous breakup and near reconciliation that didnt quite go. well...two months ago we talked and we agreed we were just driving each crazy with our mutual incapacity to either get back together or put a definitive end to things. She said she needed to stop pursuing me (even though she broke up with me...yeesh), that it was doing her head in (HER head?) and that we should just let it go. And maybe be friends. But only if we didnt drink in each others company and if she didnt have me over at her place because who KNOWS what would happen. Great. I say "fine, thats cool" and walk away and we talk only intermittently. One of her friends lets on that a few weeks of my totally feigned indifference has thrown, because she thinks I'm moving on. I was sure trying. But finally we talk and admit that we miss each others company and maybe we can just hang out and do something fun and not talk about the past for once and just enjoy each others company. So we go on a day long snowshoing trip. It was great fun. We hung out as though we were still together. She had so much fun that...she invited me over for dinner that night (uh-oh). Dont worry, we dont do the deed, but we do make out and we talk about how a kind of FWB relationship might work. Kindof as a way of working out the sexual tension between us so we can keep hanging out together otherwise. Seems eminently mature. We agree that we have one relationship in her bedroom (which later spills into every other room in her place) and another in the outside world; where we are just "des amis". Ok, great... we've compartmentalized our relationship. THis works. Really well, actually. We have sex. Everybody thinks "wow, salmagundi adn Virginie have become friends again, isnt that great?" We talk about our previous relationship. We're extremely frank about why it didnt work out. I tell her all the great things I learned from it. She seems pleased. She's learned things too. Great. She starts calling me all her pet names again ("mon beau prince, mon ange, mon petit homme" (not sure how I feel about that last one, but its endearing anyway...)) But whereas originally she wanted to be sure that us having sex wouldn't lead to me feeling ambiguous...lately its her thats acting more ambiguous. Like, for instance: -We're talking about relationships and the need for space in relationships (we were both a little clingy at times...me esp. towards the end, I admit it.) I said, "yeah it was an important lesson I'm glad I learned...I mean, I know its too late for us but...you know....i've learned to be more independent for the next girl I meet" and she says "its not too late..." but then quickly changes the subject. -Shes started getting more physical with me in front of her friends. We both agreed to keep our shenanigans a secret because our mutual friends think we are both idiots for the way we have handled our breakup and she doesnt want to take s*** from them. But now they suspect and she seems not to care too much anymore. - She tells me how she's thinking of me all the time. "Oh yeah, like what?" I say. "Stuff..." she says kinda slyly. Oh... But lately shes been getting even more "friendly" since I've been hanging out/befriending another girl that she knows as well who I have to admit I'm attracted to but dont want to pursue beyond friendship because...well...because I'm still sleeping with my exc and shes freshly broken up too. But in the future who knows, esp if me a Virginie really are just FWB that cant go on forever if I want a real relationship. But I know it really bothers her that we hang out anyway. Last friday at a show I was at that both of them were at as well (we have a small inbred milieu where everybody does the same things on weekends) where I was talking to the other girl (and obviously getting along) she came up behind me and hugged me real close in an obvious gesture meant to establish her "territory". Shes done this before (Caliguy...she scared of the french girl this way). I know shes jealous, I know she thinks I'm starting to move on. I know she broke up with me because I got too easy, not enough of a challenge but now its different. She knows I can pursue other people, and that other girls will pursue me. Shes gone away for a week to visit her family. I'm trying to think what to do. I'm afraid I'm gonna start wanting more that FWB from her. I'm wondering if she does too. i dont know if our present f*ckbuddy relationship could lead to more. I dont know whether I should be trying to get the "relationship" back or if this renewed ardour of hers has more to do with not wanting to lose me than with wanting to keep me. One of my friends suggested that the fact that we are stilll doing this post breakup dance after all this time must count for something. After all, she's a beautiful woman who has to beat other men off her with a stick. Why is she still hanging around the ex? (jeez, why am I for that matter...?) your comments, advice on how best to proceed etc? salmagundi Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 Hey salma. I'm curious - what do you want? Mean to say, if she were to stop being ambiguous and say outright, let's make it official again, would you jump at the chance? I get the sense from your email that you would - or think you would - but if you sit down to think about the prospect of being in a real relationship with her again, how do you feel about it? Sounds like you're in limbo. You're keeping yourself away from other women (except to tease her) but your relationship with her is nebulous and unclear. Is FWB helping to work out the stuff you wanted to work out? Because if anything, you sound even more confused. I know it'd be great if she'd just make a decision already, but I get the idea that she's not great at that, so waiting for her to make up her mind isn't getting you anywhere. Even if she does agree to try again, she doesn't sound like she'd be 100% committed to making it work. She likes the chase. Do you really want to have to keep finding ways to prod her into chasing you, even when you're supposed to be in a real, exclusive relationship? I mean, I'm sure you could do it, you could figure out how to keep her on her toes if you wanted to - but it sounds really exhausting to me. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 Sal, love and respect yourself first or no one else will. Figure out what you want and then just do it. Make her fish or cut bait. FWB leads to broken hearts in my opinion. She's wishy-washy and may always be. She's so much like my ex in that respect. I wish I had pulled back like you did though. Instead I pushed harder and finally pushed her away. But that's ok because it was meant to be. If you're not happy in the relationship, would you be happier outside of it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author salmagundi Posted March 21, 2006 Author Share Posted March 21, 2006 Hey guys, thanks for the responses. I actually just wrote a really long reply that went nowhere so I scrapped it. I'm gonna think about this some more and get back to you. Yeah, what the hell do I want? I dunno. Lemme think.... salmagundi Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 Sal...this reminds me of an old story that I heard growing up...short story: Man wants a drink really bad, but is trying to quit (wife says so)...man finds himself walking pass the old familiar bar...man goes inside...can't help himself. Second man...same thing.... Third man....listens to his wife. Sal, listen to your gut, -it's saying 'No!' to this...it's only your addiction to her that's saying 'Yes!'. The question is not whether or not its love -the question is- is it love that can last? You answered that before. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
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