Training Your Spouse

[a4a]

Is "training" your spouse ethical? (they are not totally aware)

 

Conditioning them to give the proper response, one that you desire?

 

Examples would be: to show more affection, be more sexual when you desire, help more around the house, improve financial status. ect......

 

Have you done this with them being unaware or aware of it?

Did it work?

[JadeStar]

Too my knowledge I have never done this. If someone else has though, I would like some tips!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jade

[Touche]

Of course it's ethical! You can call it "training" but all it is, is telling or showing someone how you want to be treated. We ALL do it to some degree or another. Friends do it with friends to a degree. Parents do it with children. So why not spouses with spouses?

 

Do you show or tell your lover/spouse what you like/don't like and want sexually? I guess you can call that "training" too. Is it unethical? Hell no!

 

Yes, I've done it and yes, it works.

[Touche]

Too my knowledge I have never done this. If someone else has though, I would like some tips!

 

I'll bet anything you've already done it without realizing it. If your spouse has done something you like or want more of, have you praised him? That's positive reinforcement...a form of "training" if you will. Have you "punished" him for bad behavior? There again, a form of training. So I'd venture to say you've already been training him without being aware of it.

[JadeStar]

Of course it's ethical! You can call it "training" but all it is, is telling or showing someone how you want to be treated. We ALL do it to some degree or another. Friends do it with friends to a degree. Parents do it with children. So why not spouses with spouses?

 

Do you show or tell your lover/spouse what you like/don't like and want sexually? I guess you can call that "training" too. Is it unethical? Hell no!

 

Yes, I've done it and yes, it works.

 

 

 

Wonder what I'm doing wrong then? I have told my spouse and shown him what I would like/want/need etc. I try my best to communicate to him the best way I know how. I don't see alot of results though.

 

 

 

 

 

Jade

[justagirliegirl]

But how is it done?

[Touche]

Wonder what I'm doing wrong then? I have told my spouse and shown him what I would like/want/need etc. I try my best to communicate to him the best way I know how. I don't see alot of results though.

 

Probably because you are whining, nagging or yelling. They don't respond to that. You have to have a firm and controlled voice and you have to leave NO room for doubts that you expect whatever it is that you want. You must use do this sparingly or it will lose its effect. Only do it with things that are really important to you.

 

Also, at the same time stop doing something for him that you normally do. He will eventually get the message. Be just a tad less nice. He WILL get the message. It takes some longer than others.

 

So think about it. You say you've tried your best to communicate and it's not getting through. HOW are you communicating. Are you doing it in a controlled and firm way? Or in a naggy, complaining way? What do you say? The words you choose are important too. If you can give an example perhaps those of us who believe in "training" can give you pointers and critique your technique.

[Touche]

But how is it done?

 

With finesse.

[JadeStar]

Wonder what I'm doing wrong then? I have told my spouse and shown him what I would like/want/need etc. I try my best to communicate to him the best way I know how. I don't see alot of results though.

 

Probably because you are whining, nagging or yelling. They don't respond to that. You have to have a firm and controlled voice and you have to leave NO room for doubts that you expect whatever it is that you want. You must use do this sparingly or it will lose its effect. Only do it with things that are really important to you.

 

Also, at the same time stop doing something for him that you normally do. He will eventually get the message. Be just a tad less nice. He WILL get the message. It takes some longer than others.

 

So think about it. You say you've tried your best to communicate and it's not getting through. HOW are you communicating. Are you doing it in a controlled and firm way? Or in a naggy, complaining way? What do you say? The words you choose are important too. If you can give an example perhaps those of us who believe in "training" can give you pointers and critique your technique.

 

 

 

Thats probably it right there. Even though my niceness and firmness may come across to him as nagging or whining, its possible thats the way he perceives it. I have also stopped some things I have done before because I was getting no where with my behavior or actions, it didn't change a thing. I don't think he got the message, but like you said maybe it takes longer for some, and consitancy is the key.

 

 

 

Jade

[a4a]

 

 

 

Thats probably it right there. Even though my niceness and firmness may come across to him as nagging or whining, its possible thats the way he perceives it. I have also stopped some things I have done before because I was getting no where with my behavior or actions, it didn't change a thing. I don't think he got the message, but like you said maybe it takes longer for some, and consitancy is the key.

 

 

 

Jade

 

Stop and regroup. Back off for a bit. You need to find the trigger points. Once you find the trigger point and the reward point you focus on those.

It took a bit for me to get over the fact that it was up to me to actually fix things, get over my anger that I would have to be the one to take the first step...... not because H did not care, just clueless on how to go about it. Nor did I give up my expectations on how I would like to be treated.

 

I had serious thoughts that this was manipulation, but realized it is communication. It is working in my R. Although I did tell/admit to H that we are learning about what we "both" need out of our R. He thinks this is for his benefit as well as mine....... as it is in the long run. But right now I am reaping the major rewards from my efforts.

[Touche]

 

Stop and regroup. Back off for a bit. You need to find the trigger points. Once you find the trigger point and the reward point you focus on those.

It took a bit for me to get over the fact that it was up to me to actually fix things, get over my anger that I would have to be the one to take the first step...... not because H did not care, just clueless on how to go about it. Nor did I give up my expectations on how I would like to be treated.

 

I had serious thoughts that this was manipulation, but realized it is communication. It is working in my R. Although I did tell/admit to H that we are learning about what we "both" need out of our R. He thinks this is for his benefit as well as mine....... as it is in the long run. But right now I am reaping the major rewards from my efforts.

 

Of course it's not manipulation but as you said a different kind of communication. Manipulation is defined as:

 

2. Shrewd or devious management, especially for one's own advantage.

 

Well, one can argue that it's shrewd, yes but devious? No. And as you pointed out, it's not for your OWN advantage solely but for BOTH of you. So it's absolutely not manipulation. This kind of thing, makes BOTH parties happy.

 

I believe some couples never even get to the point where they know what each needs or wants. If a couple can achieve that in the first 3 or 4 years, they have a high success rate for a happy long term marriage, in my opinion.

 

And good for you for not giving up your expectations!

[JadeStar]

Thanks for the tips, I see what you're saying.

[catgirl1927]

As long as you're OK with him training you as well. I think you both have to train each other, so you can live together. Now, if you are being manipulative, that's different, but just figuring out how to live together and make each other happy is a natural progression of a relationship. Calling it "training" may turn someone off, though.

[Touche]

Of course our spouses train us as well! DUH! That goes without saying. Think about it. And if you can come up with a better word than "training" I for one would like to hear it.

[catgirl1927]

Of course our spouses train us as well! DUH! That goes without saying. Think about it. And if you can come up with a better word than "training" I for one would like to hear it.

 

Wow. Ugly. I was just saying that someone (particularly men) might see a thread with women talking about "training" their men and assume they are being manipulative.

[a4a]

Wow. Ugly. I was just saying that someone (particularly men) might see a thread with women talking about "training" their men and assume they are being manipulative.

 

quite honestly I am so sick of the politically correct BS out there on "getting along with your spouse" crap. It is training, getting a desired response by communication and properly timed actions.

[blind_otter]

Wonder what I'm doing wrong then? I have told my spouse and shown him what I would like/want/need etc. I try my best to communicate to him the best way I know how. I don't see alot of results though.

 

Jade

 

My Mother and Father have both on separate occassions told me that it is impossible to train a man once he reaches a certain age. I believe my Father estimated that age was 40-45 yrs. old.

 

Once they reach that age they've firmly established behavioral patterns. According to my Dad (married 3 times, to my insane mother for 35+ years) -- it's true for women but to a lesser extent because they are more communicative and in touch with their own feelings.

[Touche]

Wow. Ugly. I was just saying that someone (particularly men) might see a thread with women talking about "training" their men and assume they are being manipulative.

 

So what? Let them assume what they want. It works. End of discussion.

[a4a]

My Mother and Father have both on separate occassions told me that it is impossible to train a man once he reaches a certain age. I believe my Father estimated that age was 40-45 yrs. old.

 

Once they reach that age they've firmly established behavioral patterns. According to my Dad (married 3 times, to my insane mother for 35+ years) -- it's true for women but to a lesser extent because they are more communicative and in touch with their own feelings.

 

 

nah you can teach an old dog new tricks if you have the right kinda bone!

 

[Touche]

quite honestly I am so sick of the politically correct BS out there on "getting along with your spouse" crap. It is training, getting a desired response by communication and properly timed actions.

 

Couldn't agree more. EXACTLY!

 

Do you want to be PC or have a good relationship? I guess you can't have both. Be PC and be alone.

[a4a]

So what? Let them assume what they want. It works. End of discussion.

 

You know after reading things about sexless marriages I would think if a man wanted to have more sex he may actually embrace this thread and want to know how to train his spouse to give the desired response.

[Touche]

My Mother and Father have both on separate occassions told me that it is impossible to train a man once he reaches a certain age. I believe my Father estimated that age was 40-45 yrs. old.

 

Once they reach that age they've firmly established behavioral patterns. According to my Dad (married 3 times, to my insane mother for 35+ years) -- it's true for women but to a lesser extent because they are more communicative and in touch with their own feelings.

 

Not true. I have first hand experience in "training" that age group. As long as the motivation is there, a man (or woman) of ANY age group can be trained.

[Touche]

You know after reading things about sexless marriages I would think if a man wanted to have more sex he may actually embrace this thread and want to know how to train his spouse to give the desired response.

 

So true. Why should men get mad and offended? They can learn to get what they want! This is not just about WOMEN training MEN. I think some people are confused about that. Works both ways.

[bab]

I certainly don't think it's unethical, and I've definitely done it. I try to be extremely direct though. No beating around the bush because my STBH doesn't get hints AT ALL.

 

For instance, I want him to be the kind of man to bring me flowers the day I defend. So, two weeks ago, approximately 1 month before my defense, I said,

"I want you to buy me flowers the day of my defense." We'll see how it goes.

[Kenyth]

A word of advice. The carrot works much better than the whip in the long run.