My wife's best "friend"

[omgplzhlp]

I just found out a few months ago that my wife was cheating on me. With some guy she met over the internet. They would sneak out together and go to bars and parties together a lot. this went on for months behind my back. After I found out, we had a huge fight and we seperated, she moved out.

 

It's been a few months. I haven't filed for divorce because I keep hoping she will realize she loves me and come back and fix our family. We have two wonderful young children being hurt by this. She has told me many times that she is on the verge of divorce to "cut me free" or because she "doesn't deserve me".

 

The problem is she keeps seeing this guy she cheated on me with. Let's call him "Eric". She has assured me they are just friends now but they still talk all the time. Like 5 times a day, every single day, without fail. And he did a lot of free carpentry for her to get her new condo all set up when she moved out on me. She says they are just friends and she "just hasn't been able to give up the friendship for some reason". She tells me that she knows how much it hurts me but she still just can't give up him as a friend. Two times now I have found receipts in her car for sex toys and other items including condoms and lube. I jumped to the wrong conclusion and assumed she was boinking him. She actually just bought them for a friend. Well that's what she says anyway. I also looked on her new digital camera and there's only pictures of him on it, she's been taking pictures of him with his shirt off posing. I jumped to the wrong conclusion again, turns out they were just for a job interview for a bouncer position.

 

It hurts her that I keep jumping to the wrong conclusion about everything but geez I'm just so really upset and I don't know what to do. Please please please give me some feedback and advice. This is twisting me all up inside.

 

Is there any chance she might still be cheating??

[Mz. Pixie]

She hasn't stopped cheating sweetie.

 

Don't be naive. No one buys sex toys for a friend- twice.

 

Make it short and simple for her. She stops seeing this guy- period and agrees to go to marriage counseling or you file for divorce. See an atty to get your legal rights before you confront her.

 

Cheaters all say the same kinds of things. It's like a unwritten script. Read enough posts here and you'll see that.

[Curmudgeon]

Buying for a "friend" and job application, huh? Please tell me that you really don't believe this. How could you? She's already proven to be a liarf and unreliable. Why put off the inevitable? Worse yet, why continue to lie to yourself?

[LawGirl]

Is there any chance she might still be cheating??

 

Unfortunately - yes there is a good chance.

 

And... if she isn't she is keeping her options open by continuing to communicate with this guy.

[Sassy]

It is obvious that she is sleeping with someone noone buys sex toys and lube for a friend on a continious basis . Buying for a friend do not buy . Agree with Mz.Pixie ask her to go to counseling if she wants to work things out. She is right she doesn't deserve you to continue to have this guy still in her life still after she hurt you. It is obvious she can't get him out of her life because she doesn't want to. Find you someone that is deserving of your love . Hugs to you

[omgplzhlp]

We tried counseling. For about 2 months at my request. She wanted to stop going, she said she felt "ganged up on". But I don't see it, the therapist seemed perfectly objective to me. And it was really expinsive. We have lots of money trouble now that she bought a condo, our bills went up by a lot now that we are paying two mortgages.

 

She said the sex toys were for birthday presents for two different friends. could be true?

 

She admitted she had a lying problem before but she said she hasn't lied to me since we sperated.

[Ladyjane14]

It doesn't matter if she bought the sex toys for a friend or not. It doesn't matter why she was taking pictures of the OM.

 

That sad fact is....she's NOT working on the marriage. Is her behavior in anyway indicative of a woman who's NOT cheating? The OM continues on as an interloper interfering in the marriage, does he not? And he's able to do so....because SHE put him there.

 

Watch her actions, and not her words. Cheaters lie. Their words can't be trusted. But if you watch their actions, you'll see the truth.

 

WORDS + ACTIONS = THE TRUTH

WORDS - ACTIONS = BULLSH*T

[omgplzhlp]

Well there *are* some positive actions going on. But that's what's confusing.

 

We don't fight as much anymore now that left. She has been pretty reasonable letting me see my kids half the time and she still gives me money to help pay the bills, I couldn't pay them without her help. And she still claims to love me. Would she still say that if she was cheating on me?

 

However, I did ask her to come back a couple weeks ago and she's never said she wants to. Because she "feels insecure". She "needs time to work on issues". Do you think that can be overcome?

[Ladyjane14]

She "needs time to work on issues". Do you think that can be overcome?

 

What "issue" is she working on? She's not going to counseling with you. And she's still in contact with the OM.

 

Just because she's not fighting with you, she's giving you money, and allowing you to see your children, doesn't mean that she's committed to working on the marriage. Chances are pretty good that you could receive all that in settlement anyhow if she were to push you into court. She certainly would have to have some pretty fabulous grounds to keep you away from the children anyway.

 

Nope. She's placating you in an effort to keep you percolating along nicely on the backburner. Don't be fooled.

 

If she's noncompliant in NC with her affair partner....then she's not doing what it takes to stay married...in essence, she's still active in at least the emotional aspects of the affair.

 

Reading suggestions:

Not Just Friends by Glass

Surviving An Affair by Harley.

[omgplzhlp]

Her issues are no sense of self worth and depression. We each currently go to individual counseling. At least she says she does. I suspect that because one day she told *me* she thought I wasn't going to my appointments. I went to every single one so I don't know whrere she even would have gotten that idea unless she wasn't skipping appointments herself.

[Ladyjane14]

Honestly, based on what you've written here...I still think she's blowing sunshine up your skirt.

 

She bought a townhouse. Why would she have done that if she was intending to eventually return to the marriage?

 

She's still, at the minimum, emotionally involved with her affair partner. She has not stopped contact with the OM in an effort to prioritize her relationship with her husband.

 

Her issues of self-esteem and depression aside, there's very little to "work on" within the marriage when there's an active affair in place. In order for there to be any hope of reconciliation....the affair MUST end.

 

The books I suggested to you will be helpful in providing you with some insight into the dynamics of infidelity. They will also be informative in helping you counteract it.

[omgplzhlp]

I picked up a copy and started reading that book "Not Just Friends" at lunch. It's really good, dead on from what I read so far.

 

I'm convinced now that Eric MUST GO NOW or there is no hope for the marriage.

 

Who agrees or disagrees? Is it ultimatum time? How should I do it?

[omgplzhlp]

Or, is the fact that she already hansn't stopped communicating with this guy despite my requests sufficient grounds to just skip the ultimatum and go straight to a divorce lawyer?

[Mz. Pixie]

I picked up a copy and started reading that book "Not Just Friends" at lunch. It's really good, dead on from what I read so far.

 

I'm convinced now that Eric MUST GO NOW or there is no hope for the marriage.

 

Who agrees or disagrees? Is it ultimatum time? How should I do it?

 

That's what we're telling you. Have you been to marriage builders?? They have great information there as well.

 

Love Must be Tough is another great book by James Dobson that you might want to read.

 

Don't threaten divorce- unless you really want it.

[bkz]

Boy I tell ya bud I feel for what your going through and ive been in a bit of denial about my w's "freindship" and other things/problems she has but you do really need to look at the evidance and what your wifes excusses are for them, I meen not only is she continuing to lie to you but she not even good at it. Hope things get better for you, hang in there!!!

[debb66]

My advice? Your wife has to get rid of "Eric"...not you. It's not going to hit home in that empty head of his to hear it from you. It's just a challenge to him..he knows he has your wife in his life whenever he pleases..she's got her own place, sees him whenever she wants, is buying sex toys for their fun..he knows she won't go for telling him to leave. He will use you going after him as an excuse to test her "love" for him..trust me..been there, done that.

 

I am divorcing after my husband's infidelities..notice there's an 's'. I also bought into the story that he was doing odd stuff for a 'friend'...

 

Listen, if "Eric" is still around, you won't have much of a marriage. Until she gets rid of him, you might as well forget it. She's having her cake and eating it too. Very unfair, selfish and sickening out of an adult. I dealt with it more than once and I'm done. You might be able to save your marriage, but you can't do it alone. She has to be 100% or it's never going to work. After my husband's first affair, we went to counseling..he played the sorry husband as I played the wife that HAD to figure out what "I" was doing wrong so he could be pleased and happier. BUT...he still saw the OW..slept with her, kept the relationship up while putting on the face of sorrow for me. Makes me literally want to vomit thinking of the time and effort I put in to only have him cheat again.

 

If she isn't ready to work on the marriage NOW..then I suggest looking at legal alternatives. I'd let her know also you aren't buying into the 'friend' sex toys or bouncer position pictures anymore, either. The sooner she sees you are serious and you have put your foot down, you will feel some control here..I know that feeling and remember it well. She holds the cards, it feels like right now...but she's cheating in order to hold them. Remember that...

 

Good luck!

[omgplzhlp]

Even if she were only talking to him. Each time she does that it is a betrayal isn't it? That's how I feel anyway. She knows how I feel about him. We've been having huge arguments about him for 5 months. Each time she talks to him she might as well be screaming "F*** Y**!" in my face. Feels the same. And I know he hates me, so I can't even imagine the damage he is doing to our efforts to reconcile.

[debb66]

Exactly..even if she's talking to him, she's taking away from the effort she could be putting into your marriage. I feel for you....believe me, I do. I know right where you're sitting at. You want to believe so much that it's going to change, but until this man is gone..and she has to be the one to see it and tell him...there's not much change going to happen. See, with my stbx, he would talk to the other woman and she might have given him some flack..or didn't do exactly all he wanted at that time..then "I" became the one he wanted..he was sorry..he wanted to make amends. Then, if "I" became demanding of our relationship to work or needing counseling, then she became the one he wanted. It was a vicious cycle that I will never repeat again. He had his cake and was eating it too. And, 2 women that allowed it to happen.

 

You might save your marriage and if that's what you want, I sure hope you get it. But, I wouldn't make myself available to her unless she is doing the same for you. It's unfair and not right. She'll have to live with herself..my stbx is claiming he is almost suicidal due to our impending divorce, but he brought all this on himself.

 

Remember, cheating is not forced..it's a choice. Sending out a cyberhug to you and hope you find some peace soon.

 

Deb

[omgplzhlp]

You're right. It is absolutely time to take a stand. Going to be painful. I'm not sure if I should give her one chance to cut it off now, or if it's just already too late. Maybe for the sake of the kids, I'll give one last chance.

 

Thank you for everything.

 

And regarding your x and the threats of suicide. You're right to not feel guilty. He's almost certainly just being a drama queen. You might suggest therapy and meds though and leave it at that.

[debb66]

Meds and therapy have already been suggested to him..a long time ago..lol..and according to him, he needs nothing. Says I am the one with the problem..ha. I won't take him back, so naturally I have the problem. I no longer listen to that. I used to feel so guilty thinking that I am hurting our daughter by divorcing her father. But, I had to think that I cannot let her see this stuff..I'm unhappy with him, I was trying so hard to be the great wife..it was a horrible thing to have to be the only one trying. Too many bad memories of him with his women too.

 

Just remember - if you take your stand and she still doesn't come home, she's left the family on her own. You are still the good man and father you've always been. I forgot all that when things ended and fell into depression for a good many weeks. I looked at it like I was nothing alone. I was so wrong. I would rather be alone than to wonder where my husband's at..what he's thinking. I deserve better than that and so do you. Just don't allow yourself to be in the middle..please don't let yourself come down to her level - by that, I mean questioning everything. Just because she's become this way, you and your kids should not be miserable over her unhappiness. Sure, it will take some time...even if you give her the ultimatum and she doesn't come back...and even if she does, it will take time to repair your heart. The hurt won't go away overnight, but at least by standing your ground you are refusing to allow her to abuse your heart..and you will be away from her mixed signals, which can only make you feel worse.

 

Your feelings are what's important now..your kids need a stable person in their lives and it will help you heal to think of being there for them. Just keep being the person you are and keep your head..you can't take care of anyone else until you take care of yourself.

 

Take care,

Deb