wife cheating

[jj]

hi. I don't know where to begin. I have an idea that my wife is cheating, or thinking about cheating on me. It started 6 yrs ago. I accidently saw two letters to a man telling him about what a wonderful time they had, and how she wanted him,then went into details. I told her I saw the letters and she said she was writing a book and that the man was fiction. A few days later, I came across more letters to this man. In the letter she mentioned he was in her erobics class. When I asked her several times, her response was yes, he was in her class but nothing went on. I tried to ask her about her feelings and the thing she regretted was me finding the letters. I tried to communicate to her that not only the letters hurt but also lying hurt even more. The last 6 yrs seemed to go fine and I forgave her, but now I have a suspection, only a suspection that something is going on. She hasn't made love to me in over 6-7 months for the exception of two times, real quick like she wanted to get over it, but has started several different things like topless sunbathing at the back of the house, turning her hair from reddish to blonde highlights, shaved her privates,as she said it was uneven and needed to restart. All these things she has made a point of saying it was for her. Whenever I try to kiss, or touch her, I get no.I feel as I lost her, as I am good just for cutting the lawn, fixing things. I also feel rejected as when I ask to make love, or begin to love her, she turns away. She says nothing is happening but I not sure and she won't talk about it. I have 3 kids that helped make my decision that I want this relationship to work as so does she. This is after 16 yrs of marrage .What should I do?

[midori]

Wow. I'm sorry. You're right, it doesn't sound good. The things you've mentioned (changing her hair color, shaving her bikini area) could certainly point to a sexual relationship with someone -- and since that someone isn't you, it may well be someone else.

 

She won't talk about it though? She denies that anything is going on, despite her changed appearance & behavior, despite her unwillingness to make love? That is INCREDIBLY unfair to you.

 

You can't make someone talk to you if they're determined not to. What you can do is start taking steps to protect yourself. Probably talking to a lawyer would be a good idea at this stage. Which is not to say that you should be filing for divorce right away but you ought to prepare yourself for what might lie ahead. Would you want custody of the kids? How are your assets distributed between the two of you? Given your wife's behavior and utter lack of concern or cooperation I think you'd be quite foolish to just hope and trust for the best. She's already shown that she doesn't have your best interests at heart.

 

The other thing you might do is find someone to talk to about this. A counselor would be a very good idea, someone to help you distill your thoughts and feelings and keep a healthy perspective. It's so hard to love someone who is callously hurting you, it's very difficult to do what is necessary -- to even know what is necessary.

 

I'm sorry for your troubles. I hope you can find a good solution.

[BeenThere]

Midori's advice was excellent. May I briefly add, that in order to keep custody of your children and avoid paying child support and alimony...you have to take steps to *prove* she is committing adultary.

 

Hire a private detective. Find out whats going on. Then when you've gotten your evidence...go to your lawyer and file for that divorce (if thats what you want). But whatever you do, protect your assetts...and most importantly, your children.

hi. I don't know where to begin. I have an idea that my wife is cheating, or thinking about cheating on me. It started 6 yrs ago. I accidently saw two letters to a man telling him about what a wonderful time they had, and how she wanted him,then went into details. I told her I saw the letters and she said she was writing a book and that the man was fiction. A few days later, I came across more letters to this man. In the letter she mentioned he was in her erobics class. When I asked her several times, her response was yes, he was in her class but nothing went on. I tried to ask her about her feelings and the thing she regretted was me finding the letters. I tried to communicate to her that not only the letters hurt but also lying hurt even more. The last 6 yrs seemed to go fine and I forgave her, but now I have a suspection, only a suspection that something is going on. She hasn't made love to me in over 6-7 months for the exception of two times, real quick like she wanted to get over it, but has started several different things like topless sunbathing at the back of the house, turning her hair from reddish to blonde highlights, shaved her privates,as she said it was uneven and needed to restart. All these things she has made a point of saying it was for her. Whenever I try to kiss, or touch her, I get no.I feel as I lost her, as I am good just for cutting the lawn, fixing things. I also feel rejected as when I ask to make love, or begin to love her, she turns away. She says nothing is happening but I not sure and she won't talk about it. I have 3 kids that helped make my decision that I want this relationship to work as so does she. This is after 16 yrs of marrage .What should I do?

[Kindra_Lore]

I have been there too. I was the wife though. I did not cheat. However, when I realized I did not love my husband anymore, I acted just as you discribed yours acting. I didn't say anything for awhile...until I was sure that it was over and that I was strong enough to move on by myself. Unfortunately, I have to say that even though you have had a 16 yr. relationship with this person, you may need to face the fact that it is over and move on. Believe me, it doesn't seem like it now, but it will be the best thing for you. You deserve to be with someone who loves and appreciates you. Good luck.

hi. I don't know where to begin. I have an idea that my wife is cheating, or thinking about cheating on me. It started 6 yrs ago. I accidently saw two letters to a man telling him about what a wonderful time they had, and how she wanted him,then went into details. I told her I saw the letters and she said she was writing a book and that the man was fiction. A few days later, I came across more letters to this man. In the letter she mentioned he was in her erobics class. When I asked her several times, her response was yes, he was in her class but nothing went on. I tried to ask her about her feelings and the thing she regretted was me finding the letters. I tried to communicate to her that not only the letters hurt but also lying hurt even more. The last 6 yrs seemed to go fine and I forgave her, but now I have a suspection, only a suspection that something is going on. She hasn't made love to me in over 6-7 months for the exception of two times, real quick like she wanted to get over it, but has started several different things like topless sunbathing at the back of the house, turning her hair from reddish to blonde highlights, shaved her privates,as she said it was uneven and needed to restart. All these things she has made a point of saying it was for her. Whenever I try to kiss, or touch her, I get no.I feel as I lost her, as I am good just for cutting the lawn, fixing things. I also feel rejected as when I ask to make love, or begin to love her, she turns away. She says nothing is happening but I not sure and she won't talk about it. I have 3 kids that helped make my decision that I want this relationship to work as so does she. This is after 16 yrs of marrage .What should I do?