What's your thoughts on this?

[KittenMoon]

This just occured to me:

 

The vast majority of the people on this site seem to discount second chances and, granted, they are preciously rare.

 

But I was thinking about this:

 

In reality, if you put your hope in a second chance, you will never be able to move on. But by that same token, if you close your heart entirely to the chance of forgivness and reconcilliation, doesn't this in fact destroy any possibility of it happening sometime down the road?

 

I'm just wondering where y'all think the balance might be for those relationships that just fizzle out, or those where something serious has occured but where forgiveness MIGHT be possible.

 

I suppose this is more philosophical than anything, but what's your opinion?

[qnmc]

I see your point. But if you are the person holding out hope, you are waiting on someone else to make a decision. This is something they and they alone can only come to. I'd rather not put my life on hold while this person makes up their mind. In my mind, then, logic would dictate that you try to move on as best you can. If they come back, they come back, and by then it's up to you - if you've moved on that point, so be it.

 

I came across an interesting quote a while back:

 

[FONT=Helv][sIZE=2]"[/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Courier][sIZE=2]The prisoner of hope is sustained and encouraged by his hope, even as he is confined by it.[/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Helv][sIZE=2]"[FONT=Helv][sIZE=2]

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[KittenMoon]

Good point.

 

I am merely considering the concept of moving on while "keeping the door cracked" in order to facilitate a reconciliation IF that person were to ever make a decision to return.

 

I told my ex "You take whatever feelings you still have for me and you keep them safe inside you somewhere."

 

I consider it like packing away all the pictures and mementos instead of throwing them out or burning them so at least someday you can look back on them with some happiness.

 

I think too much.

[KittenMoon]

Good point.

 

I am merely considering the concept of moving on while "keeping the door cracked" in order to facilitate a reconciliation IF that person were to ever make a decision to return.

 

I told my ex "You take whatever feelings you still have for me and you keep them safe inside you somewhere."

 

I consider it like packing away all the pictures and mementos instead of throwing them out or burning them so at least someday you can look back on them with some happiness.

 

I think too much. People are probably starting to realize that.

[the_alchemyst]

Sometimes I think that there is no balance when it comes to things like these. You either move on or you stay in hope of a reconciliation. Sometimes I really feel like it's either or, with no in between.

 

I'm sure it depends on the person and the circumstances: To use your analogy, I think that if they want to move on, then it's best to shut the door and change the knob.

 

Personally, I still hope oh, so goddamned much for us to get back together. Maybe I'm naive, but I truly feel he will always be the only one for me. In fact, it might sound bizarre, but I don't even want to think of being with anyone else in any way. No, I just want him.

 

So, I'm just parading around like a clown, trying to look okay. I even say to myself that "I'm going to move on," but then someone laughs in the back of my head.

 

I'm going to wait for him. I'm going to leave my heart in the field of love that he created--the one that is only for him. I will leave it there so that when he returns, he will find it there.

 

Maybe I will go back for it, too.

[KittenMoon]

I think you kinda hit it- that was really touching. I have the same feelings- I can see myself with other people, but I can't see myself ever loving like that again. I feel like our love was a victim of poor timing. I'm still holding hope that we'll reconcile someday in the future, but I'm trying to take that hope and my love, wrap it up, put it in a box and hide it in a closet in my mind somewhere, just like I did with all our pictures and his gifts. Put it away before it breaks entirely, but put it away nonetheless. I asked him to do the same. Maybe it will be the spark that someday reignites the fire, maybe it will become a fond memory and nothing else.

[jerbear]

I came across an interesting quote a while back:

 

The prisoner of hope is sustained and encouraged by his hope, even as he is confined by it.

 

My most recent split made me realize, she collected men either consciously or unconsciously. Her words and actions don't coincide. She sustained some hope in me but when I regained control; she lost me.

 

Hope is something that has to be lost. I do believe in 2nd chances but not when it is based on hope that one will get back together.

[kitten chick]

I think the ones that fizzle out are more difficult to find second chances in. It's more difficult to rekindle feelings that aren't there than to learn how to forgive. Everyone thinks that they'll never love again after their first love but they usually do.

[KittenMoon]

It's a good point, kittenchick, and one i have been wondering about myself a lot.

 

I list the "why"s in my head.

 

• lack of forward momentum, and the fact i did not want to get married yet

• work stress, and the fact that he lost out on a huge opportunity to advance his career at the same time he began drifiting away

• tha idea of never having lived our own lives apart since we were together through college and beyond

• his refusal to really give himself emotionally

 

The last one is the kicker- that's the one that makes me fear any future reconcilliation IS impossible, because is he really going to change that? Everything else seemed almost circumstantial, subject to change. But I wonder what it will take to make him really understand emotional giving, or if this is something he will ever understand. I hope he does though, not just for myself, but for him, y'know?

[kitten chick]

KittenMoon, you need to start focusing on yourself and not on him. He's not your boyfriend anymore so it doesn't matter what he's like now or what he is capable of in the future. While it's good to reflect on what happened after you've started healing, now is the time to focus on yourself.

[KittenMoon]

He's not my boyfriend anymore, but he is my friend and he was the central figure in my life for over six years. I'm getting better in baby steps- but to just cut his existence out of my mind, as if he didn't exist, won't help me at all, no matter what people say. He's still a person, he still exists, I still care about him and I know he still cares about me. But the relationship stopped working and that's that. I'm not going to stop caring overnight, or over a few months, or probably over a few years.

 

I'm confronting the things that hurt me, and the things I miss, and all the memories, one by one, because that's been the only thing that's been working at all. I think of something, I become devastated, I sob and cry and beg for everthing to go back, but then after I feel better. I move on to th next thing and the cycle repeats, but I feel resolved with each thing, one by one. My grief helps me come to terms with these things.

 

People talk about it like a wound healing. I'm thinking about it in a slightly grosser way- it's a boil that I drain over and over and I know if I keep doing it, sooner or later it will stop filling up and heal.

[peegee]

I like your ideas kitten sort of what me and my ax are attempting.

We split cause she thought she wasnt in love with me very quickly she relised this was wrong but the space she found whilst we were apart she liked, we have since tallked and she said all she can see in the future is me and her together she wants to grow old with me ans wants to have my kids i feel the same as her, but i too am enjoying a bit of me time. so a second chance is on the cards. but i am keeping some distance and trying to live my own life in the meantime as i dont want to get destroyed when she turns round in a couple of months to tell me she has met someone else. i am talking to new people and planning to meet them but i cant see myself being with anyone else.

 

Kitten would love to talk to you a bit more indepth about something can you email me

 

[email protected]

 

 

 

peegee

[KittenMoon]

PeeGee- is it so private that we can't start a seperate thread? Neither of us can private message yet, and I am not comfortable exchanging emails with forum people.

 

I would be happy to talk via a seperate thread if you don't mind others weighing in.

[Guest]

Hey no worries on the email thing i find it would get a bit personal and just wanted your opininion on a specific subject as you sound through your situation you would be able to relate to it

 

peegee

[peegee]

bugger just posted under guest (mods if you see that guest reply delete)

 

 

Hey no worries on the email thing i find it would get a bit personal and just wanted your opininion on a specific subject as you sound through your situation you would be able to relate to it

 

peegee

[figgurinoutlife]

What about the power of positive thinking? If you think positive you'll get what you want? Maybe this applies to ex's too.

[KittenMoon]

I like the idea witchcraft to get back an ex, haha. I used to be into Wicca early in high school. The first and last time I tried a love spell on a guy- he turned out to be gay! Back to the drawing board...

[CaliGuy]

This just occured to me:

 

The vast majority of the people on this site seem to discount second chances and, granted, they are preciously rare.

 

But I was thinking about this:

 

In reality, if you put your hope in a second chance, you will never be able to move on. But by that same token, if you close your heart entirely to the chance of forgivness and reconcilliation, doesn't this in fact destroy any possibility of it happening sometime down the road?

 

I'm just wondering where y'all think the balance might be for those relationships that just fizzle out, or those where something serious has occured but where forgiveness MIGHT be possible.

 

I suppose this is more philosophical than anything, but what's your opinion?

 

The best way for a second chance to occur (and succeed) is to let go and move on completely.

 

Why? Several reasons, really.

 

1. It allows you to completely heal.

2. Once healed, you can look back at your mistakes and learn, grow and become a better person.

3. It breaks you from clinging to the other person. Clingy-ness is not attractive.

4. You rebuild your confidence and self-esteem.

5. It gives your ex time to miss you.

6. You will have rebuilt your life and become happy. A lot of the time during the course of healing we're miserable and nobody wants to be with someone who is miserable.

 

If they want a second chance with you, nothing will stop an ex from finding you. The more you try and force a second chance, the less your odds become at succeeding.

 

The added benefit of moving on, in addition to making you more appealing to the ex, is that you'll be more appealing to someone else.

 

Bottom line: Moving on/Letting go and implementing NC helps you heal, breaks you from being clingy, helps you rebuild your confidence and self-esteem and makes you more attractive to anyone.

 

Again, if your ex wants you back, neither hell or high water is going to stop them. And the only way you can do that is to LET GO and MOVE ON. Show them how much fun your life is, that you don't need them (you just wanted them) and that you're not a pathetic, whiney, loser pining around for them all day (no offense, been there myself).

 

Be the star, not the planet, and you will have a magnetic personality.

[KittenMoon]

Caliguy- that's pretty much it I guess. I keep thinking that being away from someone ruins yours chances with them forever, but maybe not?

 

I'm having a pretty decent day today. Haven't cried yet, might actually make it through the whole day. (I ALMOST did yesterday) I have this idea of "possibility". I'm not sure what this means, but it's in my head.

 

And I've been kinda thinking- did we lose ourselves in each other? Is this where this break is stemming from? He tried too hard to make me happy, but mostly screwed that up because he did the wrong things, and maybe I tried to nurture him too much while trying too hard to corral him into treating me in a certain manner.

 

We loved each other for so long, I find it hard to believe that's all gone. But maybe the people we fell in love with had just shifted from stagnation. I mean, we were having fun with each other right up until the split, so where did we stop connecting?

 

Anyways, I'll be seeing him in May at a wedding. He's seen my dress and I look GOOD. An a-line red dress: Is there any better way to say "I'm confident and far too good for you?" I can tell ya the only girl with an advantage on me will be the bride.

 

Oh, and I had another weird moment today. I actually had this daydream in my head about going on a double date with my ex- and in my head it felt fine- what?!!! Not now obviously, but I just adore him so much- maybe we'll just be cut out for friends someday...

[RecordProducer]

I think there is hope for as long as both parties are deeply in love with each other. Love is above anger, vanity, pride, or any inner standards. The problem is - it's not above all that for too long; you can't exploit somebody's love forever.

 

You never know how much someone loves you when things are broken. If they don't want to give you a second chance (regardless of whether you're asking for one or not), they either don't love you enough or you hurt them really badly and they're not willing to forgive you. There is no option number three.

[the_alchemyst]

I like the idea witchcraft to get back an ex, haha. I used to be into Wicca early in high school. The first and last time I tried a love spell on a guy- he turned out to be gay! Back to the drawing board...

 

 

*points to name* Yea . . .

[blueberry]

I think there is hope for as long as both parties are deeply in love with each other. Love is above anger, vanity, pride, or any inner standards. The problem is - it's not above all that for too long; you can't exploit somebody's love forever.

 

 

well put - and so so true. i've been on my knees asking to stay. when he said no, ive been upset but started making alternative plans - its usually at that point he comes to me and we try again.

 

we're at that point again now. im asking him to stay and hes saying its not possible. im looking at houses today - part of me hopes it will jolt him into fighting for me (again) and the other part of me hopes i can just move on this time.

 

either way - begging and pleading is not nice. every time ive done it my inner voice is saying "what the HELL are you doing? your mamma would kill you is she knew".